Trigger Warning - Mention of suicide. Sorry these recent chapters have touched on triggering subjects but currently there is a focus on Andies past and why she is how she is.
It had almost been a week since I went into the backyard with Effy. I hadn't been back out there since, and I felt confused and conflicted about it. The thing is, I really wanted to go out there and soak up the sun, but I was back at square one -- I couldn't. It sucked in many ways, the worst being that now everyone knew I'd made it outside into an enclosed space they were pressuring me to go out the front door more often than usual. I blamed this sudden heap of pressure for the reason I'd reverted back to square one, everyone started expecting so much more from me so I shyed away and disappeared back into the darkness, hypothetically and literally.
My curtains were shut, blocking out the sun and my sunflowers. I was huddled in a heap in my bed, completely still and silent just staring directly at the hidden window. My door was shut, and I could hear Albany scratching at the door wanting to enter but I had no motivation to get up and let him in. It was one of those days.
With the little motivation I could muster up, I reached out and collected my phone from my bedside table, switching it on only briefly enough to catch the time. 4:49 PM. Not once had I left my bundle of blankets today, not since eight am when I went to the bathroom to pee. I hadn't eaten, drunk anything, nor had I even used any of my devices for longer than five minutes. I had done absolutely nothing but stare at the curtains all day, I couldn't bring myself to anything else. Even taking a nap was out of the picture, it being too much effort to close my eyes and force myself into sleep, so I'd been left alone with simply my thoughts for eight hours.
Mum and Dad were due to arrive within the next hour, having finished work for the evening. They'd force me out of my safe haven to have dinner with them, although the thought of eating only made me feel sick. I just wasn't hungry.
Depression was something I'd never officially diagnosed with, it was just something that came side-by-side with anxiety. Just like how paranoia came side-by-side with social anxiety. I just had this mixture of mental illness sitting in my brain, because one seemed to always trigger another. Whilst I'd been officially suffering non-stop with social anxiety and paranoia for 10 years and anxiety for 12, depression was more inconsistent. It came in short bursts over long periods of time, and it was quite rare to happen. Dr. Luther had once told me that because of my positive outlook on life, despite my struggles the 'happy' chemicals tended to outweigh the 'not so happy' chemicals, therefore depression not being a big aspect of my life. But when the 'not so happy' chemicals took over, they took over hard. It hit me like a brick hitting a window, completely shattering me inside and out.
I hadn't cried yet, I wanted to, but it was too much effort. I felt sad, and empty and so lonely, I was so lonely. I found my thoughts constantly reminding me that I had little to no friends, no one to talk to in the times like this. Rian was there for me, but I felt like such a burden all the time, so in my sad bursts I left him alone, ignoring his text messages and his calls.
My head tilted as my phone lit up and started vibrating across the table. I tried to glance at it without moving from my laying position but I couldn't, whoever it was would understand, talking on the phone wasn't exactly my favourite thing to do. If it was important they could leave a text, and I'd check it next week when I was feeling up to it. The vibration ended with the call and I sighed, waiting for the short, sharp buzz to indicate a text coming through. But it didn't, instead my phone started violently shaking again. I had two options; lay here and listen to the irritating buzzing for however long anonymous caller kept ringing, or check who was calling and send them a text saying 'not now'.
It felt like I was climbing a mountain as I reached out for my phone, the simple task knocking the small amount of energy out of my system, so much so I nearly couldn't hold my phone without wanting to collapse.
The phone stopped buzzing as I answered the call, Rians name flashing across the screen. Usually during times like these I would ignore it, but Rian ringing twice meant it was urgent and I couldn't risk not being there for him, especially with Lily in hospital.
"Hello?" I mumbled, even talking being an extreme effort. I hadn't said a single word today, but now I'd broken that streak with a strained mutter.
"Andie are you okay?" Rian automatically asked, noticing the lack of life in my voice. When talking to my best friend I always had far too much to say, because he was the only one I talked to about every detail of my life. He was the only one who cared.
I glanced around my room before my eyes rested on my door, Albany still scratching at the wood on the opposite. "Yeah," I sighed, "one of those days. Why are you calling?"
"Just needed to talk," Rian admitted. There was shuffling as he moved around, it was relatively quiet on his end so I assumed he was at home. Lilys parents had arrived home two days ago from their Europe cruise. After finding out about their daughters condition they had immediately offered to look after Effy so that Rian had some time and space to sort everything out. "I just want to get everything off my mind for awhile, but if you're not up to it then it's fine."
I rolled from my side onto my back and stared at the ceiling, blinking as I tried to overcome the tired feeling that enveloped my body. "I'm here," I said, "more to listen than to talk. What do you want to talk about?"
Rian sighed, "anything except for now. The past, the future, the non-existent."
"The past is always nice to think about, the good parts at least," I suggested, knowing that Rian loved to reminisce, always having something happy to think about from his youth.
Without second thought he began reciting a memory that was older than the millenium. "Do you remember Mr. Cotter?" he asked, and I drilled through my mind for the name, placing it to my Fourth Grade teacher. Rian and I had only been close through out our teenage years, but we had been classmates through out elementary school, sharing a Second, Fourth and Fifth Grade teacher. I mumbled a quiet 'yes' in response to Rians question, allowing him to continue on with his anecdote.
"He used to wear those big yellow rimmed glasses that we all thought were absolutely ridiculous. And he had that stupid matching tie. Anyway today I saw a teenager wearing yellow glasses, and it reminded me of him. The small things," he sighed, "what did he used to always say again? 'People with small minds can grow, but small-minded people will shrink'. I never understood what that meant, but he used to say it frequently to Geoffrey Barnes."
I tried to remember Geoffrey, but it was a struggle, my mind not being able to search as far back as 1999.
"Andie?" Rian asked, double checking that I was alive and breathing. He chuckled at my miserable attempt of a 'yeah?' and continued speaking about our past. "Do you know who else had absolutely ridiculous glasses? Santana Mayweather, from sophmore year. She had those great big giant purple cat eye ones. I wonder what she's up to these days."
I thought back to 2004. Santana had been a senior when Rian and I were sophmores, but everyone knew her as she was the loud, preppy student leadership representative, her name and sunny smile plastered all over the school halls at the end of freshman year as she competed for the title. I didn't however remember the glasses, despite being a stand out accessories in Rians mind.
"Oh, she has twins and works as a librarian." I listened as Rian tapped away at his keyboard, guessing he was scrolling through her Facebook page or some other social media page. "Guess what?" he let out a loud laugh, continuing before I could respond to his short question, "she still has the bloody glasses!" He paused and I heard him inhale a sharp breath, in a loud whisper he continued, "she married Thomas Lewis."
Thomas Lewis, his name sent a flurry of emotions through my body. Anger, sadness, euphoria, fulfilment, regret.
He was a senior when I was a junior, and we'd started talking on MySpace at the end of sophmore year which led to a summer romance which continued until the day after his graduation ceremony when he decided he couldn't spend one last summer with me before going to university, because it would hurt too much when he had to pack his bags and leave. That summer I spent mostly alone, or absolutely shit-face drunk with Eloise, Rachel and Rian. I was so devestated after losing who I thought was my soulmate. We were perfect, two peas in a pod. It was us against the world, and nothing could stop us. He was my first love, and just looking at him made me feel things I'd never felt before. I was absolutely certain I would marry him. But now he was married to Santana Mayweather, and had two kids.
"Scandal alert," Rian chuckled, pulling me out of my thoughts. He'd probably changed subject by now, but I'd been to busy remembering my time with Thomas I'd ignored it all. "The kids aren't his."
"What?" I asked, unsure of what he was talking about.
"Santana and Thomas," Rian reminded me. Ah, so we hadn't changed subject. "The kids are 11, they got married two years ago and first started dating five years ago. Geez, she must have been 19 or 20 when she popped them out. Who would have thought, of all people. College dorm room affair?"
"Probably," I mumbled, why did I feel a sudden weight come off my shoulders? As if I was relieved the kids weren't his. I wasn't jealous, it had been almost 11 years since our relationship, and even then it didn't even make it to a year.
"You okay Andie?" Rian questioned for the second time since we started the call. I wasn't okay, I still felt the same as I did before the call -- unmotivated and sad, but now there was this weird feeling of regret wallowing around my body. I regretted not trying hard enough to keep Thomas, because after that break up, all this started.
"Do you remember that summer?" I asked quietly. The summer after Thomas and I's break up held some great memories, but mostly consisted of some of the darkest and saddest memories.
Rian paused, as if he was thinking over his words. I could tell all the bad stuff was running through his mind, and he was trying to filter them out so he could recite the good stuff. "A lot happened that summer," he muttered. The way he said those five words told me the exact moment he was thinking of.
"Yeah," I sighed, despite initiating this turn in conversation I was hoping that Rian in his optimistic ways would warble on about one of our adventures. He stayed silent, and I let out a shaky whisper, unsure if I was treading on thin ice or not, "I don't regret it."
"I do," he stated, and I froze up a little. We'd avoided speaking of it since it happened, so I never truly knew his feelings on that day. It hurt me to hear that he regretted it. He continued speaking, his voice quiet and steady, "I still feel so bad. I took advantage of you at one of your weakest points, you had just finished crying to me about being suicidal, and I just went and ignored your cries for help. I'm so sorry, Andie, I never apologised for it. I wish it didn't happen, at least not like that, I should of helped you. Actually helped you. Maybe then you wouldn't have tried."
He stopped, his voice cracking as he relived the day from his perspective. Now, looking back the whole scenario was so so wrong, but when I was there it seemed so so right.
It was a Tuesday, I remember because Eloise had an internship at a holiday care program every Tuesday so it was just me and Rian. Rachel was better friends with Eloise than any of us, so she was never around if Eloise wasn't. Life had hit me hard that day. I was struggling to cope without Thomas in my life and he had sent me his last ever text messages the previous night, a 'goodnight, i love you, sleep well princess' in return to my pleas of final affection before he blocked my number. On top of that there was the stress of life in general, a new-found self esteem problem thanks to the internet (and no longer having positive confirmations of my beauty from my boyfriend) and many other teenage issues that were probably very silly but seemed so big at the time. All these factors had triggered something inside me and I had become extremely suicidal.
I had gone to Rians, in hope to get away from everything that reminded me of Thomas and life. His dad was at work, not taking time off for the summer holidays, and probably wanting to get away from his rebellious teenage son who refused to spend the summer in New York with his mum. Rians bedroom was a garbage can, if a garbage can solely contained alcohol, cigarettes and discarded clothing. There was pornographic posters plastered on the walls, along with angsty 90s bands. It was a mess, but it felt like home away from home. The alcohol bottles one by one went through my hand, and as I got further away from soberity I got more emotional and opened up to Rian. When I told him all I wanted to do is die, he just held me. The hug lasted for what felt like forever until he pulled away only far enough so that he could kiss me. And I kissed him back. It felt so right, I didn't need words to pull me from my problems, I just needed Rian, right then and there.
Rian wasn't my first sexual partner, nor was I his. So it was never a big deal between us, it was a 'drunken mistake' per say-- sadness and anger turned into sexual frustration. For a short while after I felt okay, maybe it was the after-sex euphoria, or the feeling that maybe it was possible to move on from Thomas, or the deeper connection I felt like I had with Rian which made him more of a friend he'd ever been before. But that state of okayness was soon over-run with guilt, I'd had sex with my best friend and could potentially ruin our friendship because of it, and I felt as if I had cheated on Thomas. Despite not being together anymore, there was a small glimmer of hope that he'd come back, and he would realise he needed me and even though he was going to Harvard we could make it work. But if all that did happen, and I'd slept with someone else, he'd just dump me all over again and everything would be so much worse. That guilt turned into something so much worse, and the following Tuesday, when Eloise was interning and Rian was having some 'bro-time' with his male friends, I ended up in hospital.
"Andie?" Rians voice was thick with worry, "Andie I can hear you breathing, are you having a panic attack? Are you okay? Do I need to come over?"
"I'm here," I whispered.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. I should have talked about when we all went to the beach and slept in the back of the cars. There was like eight of us, and the bonfire. That was a night to remember."
"It's what I needed at the time," I sighed, ignoring Rians attempt to change the conversation, "don't feel sorry when it felt right."
"You tried to kill yourself after Andie!" Rian cried, "And it was my fault! I thought after you left the hospital you'd hate me and never talk to me again. I thought I'd fucked up everything for good, I was so scared I'd lose you."
I frowned, remembering back to the morning of that Tuesday, "you paused it all. It wasn't your fault, you made it better, temporarily at least. I was going to do it, that night, but you made me feel okay. I thought I was better, but there's no such thing in Andieland, everything crumbled the following week, nothing was your fault, it was all me."
Rian stayed silent, his breathing echoing in my ear. I wasn't surprised at his lack of speech, what would someone say to that?
"Andieland," was all he muttered after a short while longer, "that's an old one."
Andieland was a nickname for my mind derived from the board game, Candyland. Dad used to say I'd just gone for a trip to Andieland whenever I was daydreaming, having a panic attack or anything in between. 'She'll be back soon' he would chuckle if I was daydreaming, 'she's just gone on a trip to Andieland.' Or if I was in the middle of a panic attack it would be more along the lines of 'C'mon Andie, it's time to get out of Andieland, deepbreaths kiddo.' Dad always knew exactly what to say, and even now he knew the answer to every scenario, his responses to my life evolving with my age.
In the brief silence before I could respond to Rian and he could ask me yet again if I was okay I heard the front door open. Despite my room being the furtherest from the door, the house was very quite in my lack of activity and I picked up on it with ease. "Yeah," I said into my phone, yet I was distracted by the footsteps heading down the hall and into the room opposite mine. I pulled my phone away from my face and checked the time. It was nearing six, meaning that Rian and I had been on the phone for slightly more than half an hour and that Mum and Dad were home.
"Okay but back to the night at the beach that you completely ignored," Rian chuckled, "what a bloody good night."
The night Rian was referring to was the last Saturday of the summer break. After two months of grieving I'd somewhat gotten over Thomas, yet deep down I still missed him. It was a super hot day and eight of us had headed to the beach to soak up the sun whilst staying cool in the water. The group was made up of Rian, his best bros Grayson and Kingsley, Eloise and her girlfriend of the month, Alessia, Rachel and her long term boyfriend, Dave, and me. Alessia, who was three years older than us, and an art school drop out, had a baby blue Volkswagen Kombi-van which she parked up on the sand, alongside Daves rusty old 'shaggin' wagon' and Kingsleys dads old open back ute. Each vehicles trunk was crammed with a mattress and blankets, Alessia's being the before-bed hotspot as it had a record player and fairy lights.
The evening brought a (illegal) bonfire and toasted sausages and marshmallows, with lively chatter, singing, dancing, and when it was too dark to see except the from the fairy lights from Alessia's kombi and the burning embers of the bonfire, skinny dipping. I kissed Grayson that night in the water, and after that one kiss I felt as if life was going to start looking up again. I saw starting my senior year in a whole new light, and thought that maybe everything would fall back into place. After skinny dipping, and kissing while no one was watching, everyone retreated back to the kombi where we listened to music and just enjoyed each others presence.
I slept in between Rian and Grayson, with Kingsley on Rians other side, in the back of the ute. Rachel and Dave did very little sleeping in his station wagon, and Eloise and Alessia went for a walk for the majority of the night, returning to the kombi to sleep only a few hours before daylight. The sky wrapped over us like a blanket, no roof blocking the view of the stars and constellations above. The sound of the ocean lapping at the sand coaxing me to sleep. And Graysons hand holding mine as we inched closer throughout the night.
"What's Grayson up to these days?" I pondered, earning a laugh from Rian.
"I didn't think I'd be stalking so many of your exes for you today," he teased, "I just wanted to talk, not investigate Andies discarded toys."
"You've got a friend in me," I sung in a whisper, a smile cracking on my face for the first time all day.
"No," Rian mumbled, "you had my friend in you." He paused to recollect his thoughts, "Anyway, Grayson is lecturing geo-engineering at the University of Nevada, Reno, and yes Andie, he's single. Although I'm sure all his students have their eye on him so you better be careful."
"Wait, he's back?"
Grayson and I dated for two months, until his parents decided to move to Australia in October of senior year. Our relationship was more 'fun and flirty' as opposed to serious, and I never fell in love with him, so when we decided it was best to part ways it didn't affect me in the same way Thomas and I's did, but it still hurt nonetheless.
"Yep," Rian hummed, "and you'll get to see him again in two months if you come to the high school reunion."
"Everyone's changed Rian, I don't think I could face them all," I muttered.
"You haven't changed," he chuckled.
I let out a long sigh, "exactly."
-
Ridie? Thomdie? Or Graydie?