"The heart wants what it wants." - Selena Gomez
••••••••••••••••••••
"Since when did you start smoking?"
I look up to see a topless Luca with his shirt on his shoulder, making his way towards me. He puts on his shirt and takes a seat beside me. It's cold outside but it's better than sitting inside that shitty house. I throw the cigarette onto the ground and rest my head against the wall.
"You know I've never shown anyone any of my tattoos." Luca says from beside me in a smooth tone that makes the air outside feel a bit warmer.
"Am I suppose to feel special?" I reply in a dry voice as I look at the horizon.
"Yeah I think you should McKenzie."
I wonder how it feels like to drown in your own blood. To die a long painful death from choking on your own blood. That has to be the worst way to die or maybe being raped to death. Being raped is like getting a taste of death, with each minute that goes by its feels like your soul is slowly being shredded to peace. It's like a dark hole is there and you just feel nothing. You feel, broken, helpless and shattered. I know well. I can say I've tasted death, death has looked me in the eye and some days still haunts me.
"What are you thinking about?" I hear him say after a while.
"Have you ever tasted death?" I hear myself ask. My voice sounds lost, I feel lost and only he can find me. I turn to look at him.
And how is it that I'm dead and alive at the same time.
"Yes." He says before lighting his cigarette and letting out a puff of smoke.
I look at him and his eyes meet mine. A storm is brewing in his grey eyes and the harshness of the outline of his jawline is visible.
I know he won't tell me so I don't bother asking. I wish I could know though, understand how this Luca came to be. Who was his first kiss was, has he ever been in love before, does he pray to God everyday to keep him safe and if he listens to music, what's his favourite song. Does he sleep at night knowing he has people's blood on his hands.
"My mother was a satinist but you already know that." He says sighing and drops his head onto the wall.
"She did shit to us that no kid should ever experience. Things that would fuck you up for the rest of your life, make you not sleep at night."
I keep quiet and remain looking at the sky. It's becoming cloudy and so is my soul. Void of emotions is how I'm suppose to be, I'm not suppose to feel whatever the fuck this is. I should leave, I should tell him to fuck off but I don't.. I can't. My body remains still and I find myself closing my eyes.
"We never knew our father growing up but he knew about us. My sister was born and the moment I laid eyes on her I made a promise to myself that I would protect her no matter what but I didn't."
No matter how much I try to ignore his words I can't. I've always wanted know what happened to him as a kid but I never wanted it to feel like this.
"But not even you Mckenzie have experienced that kind of pain. The pain of losing someone you loved."
He remains quiet after that and finishes the rest of his cigarette.
"What happened after that?"
His eyes look far away and close at the same time. He seems to think about my question but the answer never seems to come.
"The bitch killed herself and left me to look after Niko."
His voice has a certain edge to it, a certain emotion to it. Even though his eyes are closed off, his voice is telling me something else.
"You're aren't the only one with a messed up past Mckenzie, so get a grip on yourself before you fucking loose your shit."
He's right.. I am losing my shit.
"For a while there I thought you're this cold bitch who didn't give a shit about anyone but herself. The great Taylor Mckenzie has finally fallen." He says this in a sarcastic tone but his words carry some truth and heaviness with them.
"We're leaving in ten minutes." He says standing up and stretching his arms.
"You coming or not?" He says looking down at me with his hand held out.
His words repaeat themselves in my head and the truth the carry. Luca may not have my back like Marco does nor does he know much about me but instead he gives me something that no other person can and after everything that has happened I can finally say that I trust him.
I raise my hand to meet his and he pulls me up but his hand never leaves mine. I give him a small nod and by the look on his face he knows.
●●●●●●●●●●●
"So how did he find out you cheated?"
"He didn't remember?"
"Wait if he didn't why did he break up with you?" I ask confused by this whole story.
Claire always seemed to come up with the weirdest stories ever. I knew they weren't true but I never told her that not when they were the only thing we had right now.
"The asshole dumped me cause I had small boobs and I knew he was fucking my sister behind my back."
"Well that's messed up." I say starring at the dark ceiling above us.
"Yep it is. I knew I should of went with Alex that guy opened doors for me." She says in a dreamy voice.
Claire and her stories always seemed to distract us from reality, from what was truly happening around us. We'd talk about what we'll do once we get out of this hell hole and how we'll runaway and never come back.
"What about you Eve, don't you have any stories to share?" Claire says distracting me from my puzzled thoughts.
"Nope.."
"Come on E, you never talk about your family." I ignore the slight pain in my chest at the mention of the word but I brush it by placing a smile on my face.
"Well there was this one time.." I say as I make up another lie and feed it to her.
She laughs at the humour of the story and I laugh with her, pretending it's all right when I'm truly hurting inside.
I don't know my family, I don't even have a family.
"Yout sisters sounds amazing E.." Claire says in a light and bubbly tone.
"I'd love to meet them one day. Don't you ever miss them sometimes?" She asks in a more serious tone.
"Yeah I do everyday." I say in a light and distant tone.
Claire looks at me for a second and I can see the sadness in her bright blue eyes.
"What are you doing?" I ask her as she gets up from her bed and kneels down on the floor.
She pulls out her toiletry bag from under and I already now what she's about to do.
"Claire you know you're not suppose to be using, you know what that shit does to your lungs."
"Don't give me that talk E, you know I need this shit to survive in here." She says opening the small packet and pouring the white powder onto her palm.
"Did Kevin come again today?" I ask her in a concerned voice.
I notice how her eyes have become glassy and soon her painful sobs fill the room. I move towards her and hold her in my arms.
"I'm sorry Claire. I'm so sorry.." I say as she grips onto me tightly and stifle her cries on my shoulders.
I let her cry in peace and quiet and we stay like that for hours. Claire is probably the closest person to me and has always looked out for me since I'm the youngest girl here.
"It's okay Claire, we're going to be okay." I say in a soothing voice trying to make alright.
No you're not. You're stuck here forever there's no escaping...
••••••
"No I'm fine, I just need a cigarette and I'll feel better." I say to Tanya as she applies her red lipstick onto her lips.
"Sweety y'ah know I ain't suppose tah give you anything before a show besides Steve gonn' be otcha' tonight and I ain't about to pull another 380 on him, you know what happened last time." She says choosing a red wig for tonight.
"Come on Tanya you know how I get before these things." I sat trying to plead her.
She looks at me through the mirror.
"Please Tanya, I swear I'll never ask you again."
She turns around and looks at me. Her wig isn't on properly but I'm sure she's still gonna fix it.
"Look child this is the last time I'm doing this for you. Tanya ain't gonna get in trouble because of some skinny bitch who can't hold her own before a show. We all understand that you're still young and all but sweety this is the real world and shits hard here."
"Here.." she says digging into her bra and taking out two cigarettes.
"Now go get yourself ready little girl y'ah know how Steve gets when one of his girls are late." I take a lighter from the table and start to walk away.
"And honey, stay away from Mr Zëuk he's mine. A little girl like you will get eaten out there by men like him besides Mr Z likes himself a thick black woman not some skinny ass crack head. Now get out of here so I can look good for my man." She says turning around and adjusting her boobs loosely.
"Fuck off.." I silently curse as I exit the room.
Claire is still recovering from her high so she stayed in today. The rest of the girls are preparing for the show that's about to start and I'm anxious as usual. I walk to the back door and find a nice quiet place outside. It's dark and the stars are my only friends tonight. I light the first cigarette and let out a puff of air and with each minute that passes I feel myself calming down.
Within two months I'll be eighteen which means not only will I be part of entertainment but I'll also be a doll like the rest of the girls. Steve has been looking forward to that day and I know why. I still haven't forgotten the promise he made to me when I got here three years ago.
After I finish both of my cigarettes I open the door again and enter the backstage again where the other girls a getting ready but it's empty. No one is walking around half naked, even Tanya's litter station is empty. I hear someone's voice, Steve's voice. I walk towards the voice and I notice it's in the room right behind the stage. I take two more steps towards the door and put my ear against the door.
"Listen everyone this will only take a few minutes and then we'll continue with the show." I hear Steve's voice say.
"Tanya ain't got time to waste so this better be quick." I hear Tanya's muffled voice in the background.
"Is everyone here?" I hear some strangers voice say.
"Can we start with this please, we only have about ten minutes before the show starts." Steve says in a frustrated and impatient tone.
"We're looking for this young female, does anyone recognise her." The man says in a smooth and professional voice that makes everyone in the silent.
"Wait a minute... ain't that that little white crack head that asked me for cigarettes two minutes ago?" I hear Tanya's annoying voice question in the background.
Wait... is she talking about me?
Are they looking for me?
I suddenly remove my ear from the door and stand up straight as I stare at the door in confusion.
"So ya'll wasted my time because of this little crack head? Bitch please I have better things to do.." Tanya says and I hear her feet moving towards the door.
I quickly move away from the door and stand behind the big curtain that's beside the door. I hold my breath and try to steady my thumping heart as I hear the door being opened.
"Ma'am I'm afraid we're going to ask you to stay with the rest of the others."
"Boy I ain't got time for that." Tanya says ignoring him.
"Kill her." I hear him say and before I know it, the sound of a gun being shot is heard and Tanya is soon lying on the floor.
I make a weird sound in my throat and I quickly cover my mouth with both of my hands. My heart is thumping out of my chest and the hair on my neck are standing. I'm in shock and I'm frozen as I stand behind the door and watch the pool of blood flow from Tanya's body. She's dead.
The screams of the other girls is heard from within the room but I can't take my eyes away from Tanya's souless ones.
"You two search this whole place and you three come with me." Men in suits start to walk out the room and spread throughout the place ignoring the dead body on the ground.
The guy who seems to be in charge walks to another guy who's guarding the back door.
"Kill them. Kill them all, including that guy."
"Yes sir." The guy replies curtly and walks towards the room with four other men and they close the door.
What's heard next are the horrific screams and cries of the girls in the room and I can only imagine what's going on. Gun shots are fired and the door is banged but I'm frozen in place until I think about someone... Claire.
She's in our room but a small part of me is picturing her dead body inside that room. I have to go to her, we have to get out of here.
I slowly remove my hands from my mouth and try to reach onto the curtain to check if there's anyone in the room. Sweat is dripping down my forehead and my body is shaking with fear. The fear of death, fear of the unknown and the fact that these men might be looking for me.
After a long time standing there scared to move, I finally make a run for it and make my way towards our room, hoping that no one sees me but if I had known what was to to come for that night I probably would of stayed in that little corner of mine.