Chapter 37 - Villain
I run back home because I don't know what else to do. I feel like all I've been doing today is running and being late. Late for everything.
I run to the lake and as I do that I take off my trainers and dress, throwing them away and then jumping to the water. The only place for me. The only place where I can be at ease. It's the only place that can comfort me. Niall is not around. I couldn't tell my father or Timmy about all this. Mare doesn't want to see me again and Harry... Harry is gone and he probably thinks I hate him.
You ruined it all, I hear Mare's voice. Her words echoing in my mind and it's true. I don't even know what really happened, but I know it's not what I think.
How could I think that? It's like I forgot that I ever knew Harry and Mare. She would never betray me because she always loved me like a little sister. Harry would never lie and use someone, because that's not him. Both of them have always been good people. There has to be a good reason.
And as I swim away I try to put things in perspective.
Harry did say he just wanted to set things straight. He wanted to know why Lake Girl ran away and Mare didn't lie to him, she told him the truth. That she couldn't answer that. And that's why he came. And he was mad at me, but not because I ran away. He understood that. He was mad because I didn't tell him later... when I could. I had many chances, I never did.
He didn't lie. I did. I hid information that a friend wouldn't have hid.
And Mare... I know how she was treated, how people always assumed the worst of her because of her name, which was plain stupid. I knew she was raised to believe people stab you in the back when it best suits them. And I did that. I stabbed her in the back, I turned my back on her the moment I thought she did something wrong. I didn't even give her the chance.
I ruined things for myself. I ruined my friendship with Mare. I ruined my chances with Harry. I did it all. Not Mare, not Harry, not anyone but me.
I overreacted. I was a child. I blew a tantrum when I shouldn't have.
I stop swimming because I can't breathe anymore. Because realisation has hit me so hard that it knocked all the air out of my lungs and now I have to fight to make it come back. I take deep breaths as I try to stay afloat but it's hard. Good thing I'm a great swimmer, otherwise I would be drowning by now. Literally.
I don't know if I'm crying or it's just the sweet water from the lake. I don't know if I'm shivering because I'm cold or because I'm crying.
I think I'm crying. I'm crying because I've realised real life has villains but they are not sea witches like in The Little Mermaid. They are not evil witches or evil stepmothers. No. The real villains are ourselves. I am my own villain and I never realised that.
I stopped myself all these years. I always told myself 'you're not capable'. I talked myself down over and over again. Every time I dared to dream, I destroyed my own dreams. I convinced myself that I couldn't talk to people until I believed it with every cell in my body. And when someone else told I was capable, I allowed doubt to grow in my mind and I did. I did all those things I told myself I couldn't do before.
All the time I was capable of talking to other people. I just never tried because I stopped myself from even trying. I was my villain all the time.
Mare didn't help me overcome my SAD, she helped me to stop attacking myself.
I once read that oneself is our worst enemy and I didn't understand it then. Now I do. Now I really get it. Now I see it.
And as I'm my own villain, I'm the only one who can stop myself. For real. I'm the hero and the villain of my story. I have to do this on my own. There's no homework that can help me this time. No one will tell me what to do because I'm the only one who really knows my enemy.
I'm insecure and I'm scared. I don't trust myself. I'm a coward. All those parts of me are the villain of my story.
What can I do?
Well, for starters every time my inside voice says 'you can't do it. It's impossible' I have to tell myself, 'I can. If I work hard and really try, I can do what I want.'
That means... that means that if I want to be a songwriter, I can do it. If I want to be a singer, like I always dreamt, I can do it. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll do it because I want to do it. Because the villain of my story can't stop me now.
I can do what I want.
I take a deep breath and a smile draws across my lips. A smile that makes me feel lighter and new. A smile that reflects that I got it. I'm back on my feet even if I'm in the middle of the lake now.
It's late. I lost Harry, I ruined my friendship with Mare, which caused me to lose a sister. But I won't allow myself to make those mistakes again. I'll be a grownup and I'll stop the villain from ruining my chances again.
I won't jump to conclusions without hearing the full story. That's something I can't ever do again.
I lay back and float on the water and just float as I look at the clouds. I think it's the first time in forever that I feel like I can accomplish my dreams. It's the first time I don't think my SAD will stop me. It was never my disorder, it was always me.
It's so liberating to finally realise what was going on all along.
+ + + + +
I've realised Mare was right all along. I did everything because of a boy and that wasn't the right reason. I should've done it because of me. But now I'm making a difference, now I'm actually doing things for myself.
"Dad, Timmy," I speak up. I've gathered them to tell them of my new decision. So they can know what I want to do with my life.
I thought I was always going to stay here, that I was going to be happy with just staying in the lake. And it makes me happy, but I want more. Like my sisters, that more is outside this world.
"Is something wrong, princess? You've been so down lately," my dad asks me but I shake my head and smile brightly at them.
"No. I'm finally all right, Dad. Things were a bit... rocky. But I've seen the light now," I tell them and both look confused.
"Could you be more specific, Ari? I'm not quite following you," Timmy says and I laugh.
"Yes. Sorry," I apologise. "Dad, Timmy, I've made a decision. I'm happy here but you know I've always wanted to be a singer. You know I love music more than I love anything else. You remember how I used to perform for you, Daddy?" I ask and he nods. "I loved doing that and I want my songs to be heard by many. I want to perform for them even if it's hard because there's nothing more beautiful than hearing people liking your music."
I remember that night at the Summer Ball, when I heard all those people clapping, cheering, loving my song. I want that to happen... but I want to see them this time.
"I want to pursue that, Dad," I finally say out loud and I see them blinking. "I know it'll be hard. So hard! But I want to try, I want to really do this. I know I can do it," I add and I smile so happily when I say that because for the first time I'm believing in myself.
"But... but that means you're leaving?" Timmy asks and I nod, losing my smile.
"Yes," I say looking down. "I'm sorry about that."
"No," Dad says and my head snaps in his direction, scared that he might oppose. "Don't be sorry, Ariel. This is what you want. This is what you've always wanted and I'm happy and proud that you're finally doing something about it." I blink in surprise as I see him standing up and walking up to me. He takes me by the shoulders and looks me in the eyes. "You are my princess and I know you're capable of wonderful things. You'll shine brighter than your mother. You remember how I met her?"
My mind goes back to all those times Mum told us about how she and Dad met. "She was playing for a festival, singing with her guitar. The same she gave to me. And you walked up to her when she finished, telling her that if she didn't let you buy her a drink you would never be the same man," I tell him and he smiles.
"She was amazing on that little stage. Like a star that outshone everything else. She was all I could see. The most talented person I had ever met. And then you were born, shining as bright as her. But you wouldn't let others see that. Your mum chose family and stopped performing, but I'm sure she could've been big. If you really want to do this, you have my total support, Ariel."
I take a sharp breath, overcome by emotions as I hear my dad telling me all those things.
"You have the talent," Timmy says from behind. "You only lacked the motivation."
"And I have it now," I add and both Timmy and Dad nod. "I'll do it."
"You'll do it," they agree and I notice how Timmy stands up and walks up to where Dad and I are standing. His hand lands on my shoulder. "And I want the first copy of your album signed."
I laugh and nod. "You'll get it."
"That's the spirit! And I would offer a group hug, but I'm a man and your dad is my boss so yeah, just a pat on the back."
I burst out laughing and Dad pulls me against him, giving me a big hug, almost crushing my bones.
My dad, the man that I always saw like Triton, like the king of this kingdom, the most powerful and trustworthy man is proud of me. He always believed in me, more than I ever did. And I have his full support. And Timmy's, a newfound brother. And I'll have my sisters' support as well. I'm sure I can live with Mary for a while in London and I can call Niall so he can help me start. So I can know where to begin.
There are loads of thing to define, but I've taken the first step. I made the decision now I just have to start working on it.
I'm ready to do this.
-:-:-
Am I the only one so proud of Ariel that I could cry? *sobs* By the way, Havi says hi!
Bel, xx