"Hey, Mom," I called as I entered the front door.
"I'm in the kitchen making coffee," she replied.
"You read my mind!"
I took a seat at the table. I couldn't believe the kitchen looked almost the same as it did twenty years ago. Luke had built a few more shelves, but he ran out of usable wall space. He moved onto building them in the garage along with several cabinets. I don't remember if that was before or after he'd filled up his old apartment above the diner. He still slept there occasionally when he had early morning deliveries. He said it was to keep from disturbing my mom that early, but we all knew it was so he didn't have to deal with the ramifications of said pre-dawn awakening. She was not a morning person, and before the sun comes up she's even less.
"Ok, spill, please," Mom said anxiously.
Mom certainly dove right into it, which irritated me sometimes because I liked to work up to things a little bit more.
"What? No small talk? How are you doing? How's Richard?" I retorted.
"How's Richard?" she paused for a split second. "Now, spill!"
"Richard is doing just fine, and I'm doing well, also, thanks for asking," I replied with a bit of a smirk. She gave me a look. It was one I knew well. "So, a few days ago, I explained everything to Richard," I began, knowing exactly how to push my mom's buttons when she wanted information.
"I already know that part. Get to the juicy details," she said sounding slightly irritated.
"How do you know the details are juicy?"
"Because Logan is the guy you just can't quit, and everything involving him seems to fall into that category. I mean, you were the other woman, were you not?"
I couldn't believe she went there. It wasn't fair, but it wasn't a lie. I hadn't ever thought about it like that until Logan's dad gave her a name and a title. She was his fiancé, and I wasn't. It made me look at things very differently. That's ancient history, I thought. "Fine, I'll tell you the story now," I replied. For all of the button-pushing I was doing, she pushed right back.
The coffee pot beeped, and I watched Mom move towards our life's blood. She poured us each a cup as I began to recount telling Richard about his father. Once I'd satisfied that requirement, I moved onto my initial meeting with Logan at the coffee shop. I stopped every few minutes for some coffee. My mouth seemed to get dry quickly. I attributed it partially to my hangover, but most of it was nerves. I had no idea how mom would react to all of this. I guess I had been completely zoned in on my story because I didn't even hear Luke came in with bags of food from the diner.
"You know I hate to be the one to say 'I told you so', but I do believe all this could have been avoided had you listened to my advice," he said calmly.
"I know," I admitted. "I just felt like I was doomed either way. You don't understand how important male heirs are in the Huntzberger family."
"That doesn't matter. Plain and simple - he had a right to know!" he asserted.
I sat in silence, knowing full well Luke was right. Logan did have the right to know.
"Didn't you learn anything from my situation with Anna and April?"
"I thought I knew best, and it was very different circumstances!" I said defending myself. He had no idea how very different things were in that world. Richard definitely wouldn't be the person he is today. I can't say for certain he'd be less amazing, but I'm sure we would have been dragged through the mud.
"Were you pregnant with Logan's baby?" he asked plainly.
"Yes."
"Did you keep that information from him?" he followed up.
"Yes," I answered meekly.
"The situation is the same," he replied bluntly.
"But, the other fact -" I tried to counter, but Luke interrupted me.
"No, Rory. Bottom line is still the same. Now, I understand your rationale behind your decision, but you've got to the pay the price. So do Logan and Richard," he explained.
"I know. Looking back, I really don't think there was a 'right' option."
"I stand firm," he paused for a moment. "Now that I've said my piece, I've got to get back over to the diner. Cesar needs to leave early tonight for his kid's band concert."
"I'm sorry I disappointed you, Luke."
I hated letting people down, but, somehow, it was worse when Luke was the one. He'd always held me in such high regard. As Mom put it, he's 'super proud' of me. I actually had to fight to get him to take my picture and The New Yorker article off the back of the diner's menu.
"You didn't disappoint me. You're an adult who made the choice you thought was right. Now, you have to live with the consequences of that decision," he replied honestly.
"Hey, Luke, can you bring home some pie?" Mom asked sweetly.
"There's pie in these bags," he explained and pointed at the bounty from the diner.
"I know," she said with a big smile.
Luke shook his head at my mom. "I'll be back later."
"Bye, Luke," I called to him on his way out the door.
"You know he feels very strongly about this," Mom said after she heard the front door close.
"I know. I knew one day I'd have to pay the piper," I replied.
"So, tell me more about this dinner you had last night," Mom said redirecting back to the original subject.
I gave my mom the play-by-play from last night, minus my inner dialogue. She didn't need to know that I would have slept with Logan last night. Some things are better left omitted. It's not like she wouldn't figure things out.
"Can I say something now?" she asked as if she'd been waiting her entire life to ask me this one burning question.
"Yes...." I answered knowing it was going to be something I probably didn't want to think about or hear. This wasn't the first time I'd been put through this wringer in regards to Logan.
"What are you doing? It sounds to me like you're not over him. Flirting, acting like you're on a date - it sounds like very dangerous territory. He's single.....you're single......and you've got a child together.....Pardon me for having flashbacks of my own life. You've witnessed this kind of thing first hand between me and your dad. Look how that ended up!"
"Mom -"
"No, Rory. This is Logan. He's like the cat with nine lives who keeps coming back. So, what life are we on now?" she asked in a slightly mocking tone.
"What is wrong with me? Why do I keep going back, or want to go back?"
"I can't answer that. Only you know why. It's not like he's the one who got away....." she said taking another swipe at me. It's like my mom is in full-on lioness mode and I'm the weak gazelle at the back of the pack. With every scratch, I'm losing more and more blood.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said trying to summon the strength to fight back.
"He proposed, you turned him down. You found each other in Hamburg, you created the Vegas agreement. He came to Stars Hollow to whisk you off your feet and try one last time to win you over. You left him the next day," she answered.
I was speechless and didn't know what to say. I succumbed to the weakness.
"Let's eat before the food gets cold and starts to suck!" Mom said, breaking the silence and putting me out of my misery. We divided up the food and started to eat.
I knew Luke was right, and now, so was Mom. God, I hated that! I thought. I had to figure out what was going on. Why am I still drawn to Logan after all of these years? I think, for now, I needed to concentrate on Richard and his relationship with him. That had to be first despite what my heart was telling me. Could Logan's be telling him the same thing? No, stop, Rory! Focus on Richard, I chastised myself silently.
"Hello? Ground control to Major Tom. Earth to Rory!" Mom said shaking me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, sorry," I apologized for letting myself get whisked away into my head.
"Thinking about Logan?" she asked quietly.
"Yes, I mean.....sort of," I replied. It was more of my feelings in relation to him but technically included him.
"Rory, just talk to him. I think you both have some unfinished business with one another," she suggested.
"Really, Mom? Unfinished business?" I asked sounding slightly repulsed by her choice of words. It felt weird.
"Ok, then you've both got some residual feelings you need to work out. It seems to me like you never got over him," she explained.
"Maybe....." I said, but I didn't really know. I couldn't pinpoint anything specific that said that I hadn't gotten over him. "I'm just really confused right now."
"About your feelings?"
"And his. Shouldn't he be pissed at me for not telling him about Richard? He was at first, but something changed, and I don't know what caused that change. He flirted and brought my car back earlier today. I mean, what's that about?! You don't just do nice things for people with whom you're angry."
"He brought back your car?" she asked confused. I hadn't told her about that part.
"Yes, we had some wine and I wasn't comfortable driving home, do his driver dropped me off. He must have taken my keys when I wasn't looking, or I gave them to him and don't remember," I confessed.
"Just how drunk were you?" she continued to pry. Here I was in my fifties, and now, she was playing the Mom card.
"I'm not a kid anymore, and it's not like he was some stranger. It was very kind of him. A very Logan thing to do," I explained.
"Ror, you're not in your twenties anymore, or even your thirties. It's time to grow up and figure this out like a big girl!" Mom nearly shouted at me. She stood up quickly, mug in hand. She went over to the coffee pot for a couple of minutes with her back toward me. I could see her taking a drink and refilling the cup.
I was taken aback. My mom almost seemed angry with me about all of this, but why? Did she really hate Logan that much, or was this still about my decision to not tell him about the baby? I wondered. I didn't get where this was coming from.
"I am trying to figure this out! I came to you for advice, but I guess I was wrong to ask," I said defending myself for the millionth time and feeling completely defeated.
Mom turned around. "I'll give you my advice. Talk. To. Him." This time her tone wasn't as harsh, but still contained an elevated amount of irritation.
"Why are you being so mean about this? It's like you're mad at me."
"Can I say something else.....something you probably don't want to hear?" she asked for the second time.
This is a first. I'd never had her use this twice in the same conversation. This can't be good, I thought. I figured there was no use and she'd say it whether I wanted to hear it or not. I was already feeling pretty crappy about everything.
"Ok..." I said timidly.
"I've got something to confess," she paused. "I'm with Luke on this one. Yes, I supported your decision. Hell, I even defended it to Luke, but I warned you about all of this when we talked about it. Did I not? We went over the possibility of Logan finding out, and the potential for suppressed, unresolved feelings that could come with the permanent reminder of a child with someone. I also said you'd have to live with the consequences of your decision. You were so sure that this baby wouldn't need to know its father because we'd provide so much love and support that it wouldn't be an issue. You were wrong then, and you are paying for it now."
I didn't know what to say. My mom had never been so brutally honest before. She was pretty blunt when I decided to take time off of school, and when I slept with Dean, but this one took the cake. The worst part was that she had been right on both accounts, but I had to come to the realization on my own. I just couldn't think in here and started to feel stifled. Without a second thought, I stood up and left.
"Where are you going?" Mom called to me.
"Out. I need to clear my head," I replied just before I closed the front door behind me.
I began to walk toward the center of Stars Hollow. I knew that getting in my car and driving wouldn't do me any good. I had no specific destination in mind, however, I ended up on the path to the gazebo. It seemed like the perfect place to sit and reflect until I started having flashbacks to Mom and Luke's wedding. This was where I'd finally mustered up the courage to tell her about Richard.
The town center was unusually quiet due to the heat of the July sun. I hadn't even noticed being so absorbed in my own thoughts. Those who weren't inside partaking in their air conditioning were at the pool. Aside from a handful of people walking between businesses, I was virtually alone.
What was wrong with me? Why didn't I just tell Logan? Why did I think it was all so hard? Did I still have feelings for Logan? Or was this some sort of lingering what might have been scenario? I thought. The questions circled around in my head, eventually knotting up and becoming indiscernible. I was more confused than ever.
"Rory, I didn't know you were in town!" Lane greeted me and interrupted my jumbled thoughts.
"It was kind of a surprise trip. Why aren't you at the antique store?"
"It's my mid-afternoon coffee break. Want to join me?" she asked.
"You had to ask?" I replied with a laugh. It felt good to laugh, even though things were still a mess.
We started walking from the gazebo. Without knowing what happened earlier, Lane directed us toward Luke's. Normally, I'd prefer his coffee to any others in town, but, at this point, I wasn't ready to face him after our discussion a while ago.
"Hey, can we go to Weston's instead?" I asked quietly.
"Are you feeling ok?" Lane replied worriedly.
"Yeah, I mean...it's a long story that's better told after coffee," I explained.
We walked in silence the rest of the way to Weston's. I paid for both, and we started to walk back toward the gazebo. Lane broke the silence.
"Do you want to talk about it now? I'm here," she said in a kind, caring tone.
"I don't know. I just don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this," I vaguely explained.
"You know you can always talk to me. I promise to listen," she swore.
I thought about it for a minute. Maybe Lane was the right person. My mom's personal feelings for Logan always seemed to get in the way of everything and cloud her judgment. Lane never really seemed to have any bias toward him. She'd always been supportive of my decisions regarding him, too.
"Can we go to the store? I don't feel like discussing this is public. You know this town has ears and eyes.....everywhere!" I said almost in a whisper.
She laughed because she knew it was true. She'd lived here longer than I have, and was well-versed on the inner workings of the Hollow.
"You know Brian had the cameras disconnected when he took over last year," Lane replied with a knowing smile.
One of the last things Taylor did as Town Selectman was put up a security system all over town. No one wanted it, but he was hell-bent and got his way as usual.
Lane led us to Kim's Antiques and we went inside. She held out her arm in the direction of the living room. I took a seat on the couch and set down my coffee on a coaster.
"So, what's going on, Rory?" she asked.
I took a deep breath and gave her all of the specifics. I left nothing out, spared no details. I had no idea what her response would be, and I watched her carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. Her facial expression didn't change much for a slightly sympathetic look as she listened intently. She hadn't really given me any indication how she felt about my choices regarding Logan and Richard.
"Rory, I've got to be honest," Lane paused for a moment. I started waiting for her to finish her thought.
"I never really thought it was right for you to keep Richard from Logan," she said gently. "But, please, hear me out. I know that you did what you thought was best for Richard and yourself.
"And Logan," I added. She shot me a look because I interrupted. "Sorry."
"It's too late to change anything about the past, however, you've got to tackle what's in front of you now. Richard and Logan are finally getting the chance to know each other, which is good," she said.
"Yes, and I'm very happy for both of them to finally know each other," I interjected.
"As for you and Logan, it's been a long time since you've got out on a date. How long has it been? Ten years?"
"Probably closer to fifteen, but who's counting?" I replied half-heartedly.
"Now, Logan's back in your life and living minutes away from you. You are back in contact because of Richard, who has been a constant reminder of what might have been. That couldn't have been easy for you. I couldn't even imagine what it must have been like," she continued. "It's easy to fall back into something comfortable and familiar, however, I think you should let father and son get to know each other."
Her words stung a little bit, but it made sense. Logan was the familiar and we'd fallen into old habits once before. I needed to let our son be the focus for him. He was the reason for the contact in the first place, but I just couldn't push these feelings aside.
"But what if this is my last chance at happiness?" I asked quietly.
"Rory, I'm not saying stay away forever. There are a lot of pieces to this puzzle. Logan just moved back. He just found out he's got an eighteen-year-old son, and he's still adjusting to being a single parent. He's got a lot of his plate right now, and doesn't need you vying for his attention."
I took in her words and thought about what it meant. I think giving him some space will give me some time to think about everything. It will also provide him the opportunity to get to know Richard. I would definitely complicate that equation, so taking a step back is really the best plan of action at this point.
"Lane, you're right," I agreed. "I need to put their relationship first. I don't want another failed attempt with Logan to ruin anything for them. Besides, I think the Logan ship sailed a long time ago."
As if on cue, the bell on the front door rang as a customer entered the store.
"Welcome to Kim's Antiques. Everything is fifteen percent off," Lane said sounding eerily like her own mother.
I kept the laugh to myself. I grabbed my coffee and made my way to the front door.
"Thanks for everything, Lane," I said gratefully. "You've helped me more than you know."
Mom and Luke had really stuck it to me, but rightfully so. I'd been caught up in my own drama, refusing to acknowledge there were other players besides me. Although, Lane was able to deliver that advice in a gentler manner, and somehow, it clicked. She came over and gave me a quick hug.
"I'm really glad we got the chance to talk. Let me know how things go," she replied with a soft smile. "Bye, Rory."
"Bye, Lane," I said on my way out the door. I stood on her front porch for a moment and took a drink of my coffee. It was nearly cold and I could definitely tell it wasn't from Luke's. It seemed my senses had finally returned for the time being. I hoped they'd stick around from now on.