Just as every year before the routine of me getting prepared for the mating announcements passed in a daze and everything I did was a ritual that I have done too many times.
First my mother and I bathed in the stream in front of our home. Then when we returned home she had me rub scented lotions and oils that smelled of roses and lavender all over my skin. I love the scent it was what my mother wore when she met my father. She hopes that it will bring me luck tonight and in my heart so do I.
I sit at my vanity and gaze at myself in the mirror as my mother runs a brush gently through my hair helping it dry faster. I love when my mother brushes my hair it calms me and puts me at ease. And the stars know I need to be calm for tonight.
"Oh, Azalea tonight's the night I can feel it; you are going to be given a mate I just know it."
I release a sigh she says the same thing every year. I really wish she would stop saying it because she will be hurting herself more than me from the disappointment to come.
"I hope so mama, but do not be too hopeful it might not be my time." I make eye contact with her through the mirror. I see the sadness and pity within her bright blue eyes. I should not have said that I do not wish to upset her as much as I am already.
I let my head fall and stare at my folded hands breaking the eye contact between me and my mother. "I am sorry mother I should not be thinking so negatively. Please forgive me."
"Azalea look at me my dear fiică." Fiică means baby in our ancient tongue my mother usually calls me that when I need comforting. She grabs my shoulders and turns me to face her. I cannot bring myself the look her in the eyes with my eyes moistening with unshared tears.
"I cannot mother I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I do not think I can do this again." It comes out in a mere whisper anything more and I might lose control over my tears.
"Azalea you have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about. It is the stars will and ways. Azaleas they have not given you mate because it was not your time. Maybe they thought you were not ready."
I look into my mother's eyes and release my tears I knew I could not keep control over my emotions for long today, they have finally caught up to me.
"Hush my child everything is going to turn out the way it is supposed to. You need to keep your faith in the stars they will not steer you wrong."
"I am trying mother I do put my faith in them, but it feels like I earn nothing in return. I just wish to be normal I-I just want to be given my mate it will fix everything." I even hear the despair in my voice.
I viciously wipe the tears from my eyes on the back of my hands hating that my mother has to see me in such a state. I know she feels pity enough for me I do not wish to burden her any further; she has done so much for me these past nineteen years of my life.
"Azalea you gaining a mate will not fix everything you wish him to. It starts with you; if you do not love yourself and let go of all the shame and heartache you will not be whole for your mate to love. You will not be able to give yourself wholly to him or love him fully like you should."
I stop wiping my eyes and settle for covering them. What she said cannot be right, having a mate will fix everything I am nothing without one. As of now I am just a miserable excuse for a she wolf.
I feel my mother grab my hands from eyes. "Azalea look at me please. I know what I said was hard for you to hear. I know for the past few years we have skirted around you talking about your feelings and you have been bottling ever emotion up." I hear her voice quiver towards the end.
I look up at my mother and she is crying also. I stare at her in aw; I have not seen my mother cry in so very long. My heart wrenches and tightens I cannot believe I am making her feel awful for me.
"Mother I am so sorry. We should not be doing this we do not have much time till the mating announcements." I pull away from her touch I do not wish to have her upset over me.
Whether she is right or not about me needing to talk out my emotions, whether or not I really want to; we just do not have time. The mating announcements traditionally start an hour after the sunsets but most wolves will gather as the sun goes down.
"Azalea-
"Mother I am not saying that I will not or do wish to, but I sense that we do not have much daylight left to get ready." My mother straighter and closes her eyes for a moment. Her eyelids fly open and her pupils dilate slightly.
"Oh dear stars your right, we do not have much time!" My mother frantically rushes through my door to go get my dress I assume. I have to hold back a laugh at my mother's antics she is so precious and amusing to me. I am so happy I have her as my mother I could not see having a mother like anyone else.
I turn back to my vanity and grab a small wash cloth and dab my eyes. I must at least try to not look like I have been crying. I will already have most of the other she wolves stare at me with disdain, pity, superiority, or with a smirk on their faces.
Not that my appearance being presentable will keep me from imaging all the hurtful and nasty things people say and think about me. With luck from the stars hopefully most of the she wolves will be too excited about tonight to bother with me. This is how it is most years except there is always a few not so nice things said that I overhear.
Anxiety is bubbling in the pit of my stomach at just the mere thought. I close my eyes and take three deep breaths to calm my nerves this usually helps but it seems after my last breath tonight will be the one time it does not work.
'Stars please let the announcements be few and swift this year my body is becoming ill over the stress of it all.'
"Azalea keep your eyes close and do not dare try to peek got it?" My mother voice is stern but there is no mistaking the humor behind it.
I cannot help release a small smile. "I promise I will not peek. I am not five years old any longer."
My mother chuckles "oh but to me you will always be my little adventurist, sweet, kind, lovely fiică. No matter how old be grow, no matter with a mate or with pups of your own. You will always be my perfect fiică no matter what."
Moisture springs to my eyes again every word adding to my emotional state. I might as well give up on controlling my emotions; this year is turning out to be a very strange and different one indeed.
"Now on the count of three opens your eyes." I hold my breath in anticipation. Though I may not be given a mate yet again this year it does not take away from the time love and effort I know my mother pours, weaves, and stitches into every fiber of my dresses.
Every time I wear them I feel the love and comfort from them and of course each is always elegant and breathe taking.
"Un....doi.....trei, open your eyes my fiică." I carefully lower my hands and open my eyes. My breath catches in my throat.
The-this d-dress is, is unimaginable. I mean never in my wildest dreams could I ever think let alone create something so, I cannot even think of words to describe it. If I were to try it is like something from my fairytale stories.
Something a beautiful princess is only worthy to wear. This thought makes me start to get nervous, I am no were near beautiful enough to adore this dress. I would not do it justice and many that will see me this evening will agree I am sure.
The dress is long and the fabric is white with the ends dyed a pure pink. At the waist it wraps and will emphasize my waist. At the bodice there are sewed on flowers that, oh my there azalea flowers like my name all of them are shades of white and pink with gold centers. Their gorgeous and the neckline is a cross between a halter and a scoop neckline. The dress as a whole looks light and almost as if it's floating.
"Mamă, I- it's so beautiful I-"
"I know I think I have out done myself this year. This year is different, I can feel it my fiică." My mother looks at the dress fondly and then turns the look to me.
"Let's get this dress on you." Her eyes light up with excitement. Now I feel guilt ridden I have to wear the dress and I cannot tell her my insecurities about wearing it. If everything goes wrong tonight than the least I can do is make my mother happy by wearing the beautiful gown, I can do that for her.
"Okay mamă." I look to the ground determined to hide my nervousness.
...........................................................................................................................................................................
"Azalea you look beautiful." My mother rubs my shoulders reassuringly as if she already knows I did not believe her words.
My mother just finished braiding my hair and helping me into my dress. She keeps fussing over me tucking my dress here and there wanting to make everything perfect for me.
Now the butterflies are a full flutter in my stomach. I am about to gaze at myself in the mirror and I am just so nervous I do not know if I even should. What would it matter if I look acceptable or not it will not change the outcome of this evening?
"I will be back I must put on my dress as well. Look and make sure everything looks right to you. I will be done shortly."
I want to stop her to keep her here with me longer giving me and excuse not to look at myself.
It is just my reflection I am being foolish just one quick glance then I can move on. Okay just turn around, maybe I should count to three. One, two, three, and turn. I spin on the heel of my foot facing the mirror but still have my eyes shut tight. I peek one eye open but my vision gets blurry finally I peek the other eye open.
I stare at my hazel eyes and how much brighter they are in the candle light then I get up the courage to access the rest of me. The first thing I notice is that my mother braided my hair off to the right side showcasing my Taurus birthmark beautifully it looks so much more prominent. Then I take in the rest of myself, I-I look like me but I seem older than before. I do not know what I see really; I feel like me and I see me but the person I am seeing is not one I am familiar with. Something just seems dif-
"Azalea will you please help me tie the back of this confound dress I was determined to do so without help but it seems the stars had a different plan." My mother interrupts my thought which seems best for the time being.
I turn to see my mother struggling to reach the ribbons on the back of her stunning blue gown that matches the color of her eyes.
"Of course mother, how do you wish me to tie it into a bow or something different?"
"Oh it does not make a difference just make it swift your father will arrive to escort us soon."
My stomach drops I forgot all about my father.