It wasn't long after the missile attack on Tondc that we returned to Polis to rethink our strategies. Clarke returned with her people to Arkadia, after being reassured that her mother and Octavia were both okay. Indra survived, too, thankfully, yet still, many died and it didn't make the survivor's guilt any easier.
Nothing was making anything easier anymore. That barely made any sense, just like my thoughts. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hated this battle I felt I was constantly fighting. I hated myself for so many things. And I absolutely despised myself for thinking I had any right to feel this way. Everybody else was suffering, not me.
The Sky People still didn't have their people back; Clarke was still being weighed down with responsibilities of being in charge; Octavia had to worry about whether her brother was going to make it out alive or not; the Grounders still hadn't got their people back either, and they were still coping with the changes regarding the Sky People; and Lexa... She had so much to stress herself out with. Being Commander, looking after her people, losing me...
I had no right to complain. And everything was piling up inside of me and I honestly could not take it anymore. So what, I couldn't remember things, boo hoo. They had it worse, and my memory loss only seemed to be hurting everyone around me.
"Y/N, are you sure you are okay?" Lexa's concerned voice echoed around the empty throne room.
There she was, worrying about me again. As she always did, when I was the one who should have been checking on her. She lost some of her people yesterday, almost died herself, and still has to find a way to get into that damned Mount Weather, yet she was asking if I was okay. It only made me angry, seeing that soft, comforting expression on her face.
"No!" I blurted out, stopping my pacing. I turned to face her and felt my throat close up at how surprised she looked with the volume of my voice. "I'm sick of everything, Lexa! Okay?! I'm not okay! I'll never be–" I paused, before clenching my jaw and looking to my feet with shame. "I'll never be fucking okay..."
She was silent, unsure how to react. But there was nothing she could say.
"I spent all this time getting angry at the Grounders," I began, my voice raising by the second, "at Deka, at Q, at Indra, at you, when all this time I should have been mad at those assholes hiding in that shitty mountain!"
I pressed my cool hands against my face, hoping I could take a moment to calm down, so I wouldn't be yelling in Lexa's face unnecessarily, but it wasn't working. It was too much and I only wanted to let it all out.
"Those people stole my memories!" I shouted, pointing at nothing in particular. Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, especially as I noticed the guilty expression Lexa wore on her face. She shouldn't have felt guilty. "They took my identity away from me, they took our people, they massacred one of our villages, stole some of the best memories I'll probably ever have, and they will continue to hurt me and you and everyone here until they get what they want."
Her green eyes were glistening with tears, and that's when my first tear slipped. She looked so helpless.
"I'm hurting, Lexa," I said, no longer shouting. It was all out of me now. And all that was left was the heaviness of my heart and the guilt of destroying the girl before me. "But you are hurting, too. And there's nothing I can do about it. It isn't fair."
I thought back to when I overheard her ranting to Titus, crying about how I wouldn't know her like I once did. She was right, I wouldn't.
"You love me," I finally said what none of us would speak about. My voice was hurting now, strained from all my shouting. My eyes were blurry with tears, yet I could see she was in pain. "But I don't know what I'm feeling."
My voice cracked and I winced at how weak I sounded. Lexa looked broken, unable to grasp what I was saying to her. But suddenly, she stepped forward, a frown tainting her beautiful face.
"That's fine, Y/N," she reassured me, nodding desperately. "You'll be fine. I'm fine. I can be your friend if that's what you need. I'll wait, forever if I need to. I just want you to be okay."
All I could see in her eyes was the love she felt for me, and God, it made me feel so guilty. She had all this love to give to me, but I couldn't accept it. I didn't see her as this harsh, cold-hearted Commander the Mountain Men made her out to be, that the Sky People thought she was. I knew she was better than that. And I may have remembered portions of our relationship together, but not enough to love her as she loved me. And I was terrified that I would never feel that. I couldn't give her what she wanted, and I hated myself for it.
"You shouldn't have to do that though," I told her, my voice trembling.
She stared right through me, no words being said. But I could see how she was feeling just by looking at her. She was already so fragile and now I had gone and done it.
"I think we need some space," I suggested, stepping back because I wasn't sure if I could take the small distance between us. "For a little while, at least. I just need to get away from here. From Polis. From–"
"Me."
I gulped down the lump in my throat, not finding the courage to look up and meet her startling gaze.
I licked my lips and didn't comment on what she said. "I should stay in Arkadia for a bit. Maybe keep up with Bellamy. Check on Raven."
"I don't think you should go," Lexa immediately countered. "Not right after the missile at Tondc. We don't know what Mount Weather are planning."
"They won't strike again so soon," I said, sure of myself. I sucked up a deep breath, used my sleeve to wipe away my tears, and finally met Lexa's pained eyes. "And I'll take guards with me. To see me there."
Lexa pursed her lips. "Y/N, I really don't think you should–"
"I have to," I stopped her, tilting my head to the side and pleading with my eyes. "Please..."
She was hesitant, but soon enough, she nodded. "Okay," she said, her voice barely a whisper.
I forced a small, tight smile, before turning around and walking away. I couldn't bear the guilt on my shoulders as I left the room, knowing I left her there, alone and broken.
***
It was merely a few hours later when I was riding through the trees, two guards at my side, on my way to Arkadia. I didn't say a goodbye to Lexa because we left on an awkward note. I didn't think she would want to see me anyway. I'd basically told her I didn't love her and she should just move on. She should have hated me for it, but she didn't, evidently. And that made me feel even worse.
The two guards sent to protect me didn't speak, which I was kind of glad for. I wasn't in the mood for conversation. But at the same time, I ached for a distraction. This trip wasn't exactly short, and being trapped in my own thoughts was dangerous.
"REAPERS!"
My eyes widened at the sudden scream coming from behind me, and when I pulled the reigns on my horse to stop moving, I turned around and gasped with disbelief. The guard on my flank was being dragged off his horse by a somewhat deformed grounder. I recalled the Reapers and I caught my breath, remembering what they were capable of.
"Y/N! We need to– agh!"
I turned around and saw the same thing happening with my other guard. My heart almost stopped beating when I saw a large group of Reapers coming from the trees all around us. We were trapped. I tried to ride away on my horse, but as I set off, I immediately went flying forwards, hitting the ground with a thud.
As I rubbed my head and forced my eyes open, I saw that one of the Reapers trapped his axe at my horse's foot, sending me off it. I scrambled to stand up, hoping to outrun them, but I was immediately grabbed by both arms. I tried to kick my way out, but I immediately froze in fear when I got a closer look at their faces. There were large spots covering their skin and they looked disfigured, way worse than what I recalled Lincoln looked like when we found him. These grounders must be long gone now.
One of the Reapers grunted and before I knew it, I was out cold.
***
I woke up to cold water being splashed over my head, and I immediately gasped for fresh air, only to notice a bag was covering my face, preventing me from doing so. Soon enough, though, it was removed and I was met with... Doctor Tsing?
I tried to move, to do something, but I realised I was being forced onto my knees and my arms were tied behind my back. A gag was in my mouth, stopping me from yelling my head off. I tried to see where I was, but all I saw were tunnels, similar to the ones I escaped from not long ago. How was Doctor Tsing even stood out here without being irradiated? Beside me were grounders and Reapers, though they were all writhing around on the ground, as if under a spell.
"Harvest this– wait. Y/N?" She sounded surprised as she lowered her clipboard and met my angry gaze.
Obviously, I couldn't respond, so I glared at her and tried to scream through my gag, but this did nothing, only cause her to smirk annoyingly at me. She looked up to one of her little helpers and spoke.
"Take her inside."
As the person behind me tried to grab me, I attempted to escape their grip, but then I felt two pairs of strong hands hold me down and drag me through the doors that were now opening. I saw Doctor Tsing's figure retreating as they dragged me away and I felt all my anger from this situation return. It was here. These people took my life from me. And they were going to do it again.
I was taken through some unfamiliar places, but when I passed the harvesting chamber, I almost vomited. Some things hadn't changed – they were still draining poor grounders for their blood, and now that I remembered that I was apart of the Grounders, it hurt even more than the last time I was here.
It was when I was strapped to a chair in a separate experimentation room did I get a feeling of familiarity. I'd seen this place before... I was sure of it.
"This is where we did it," a voice startled me, and I looked towards the door where Doctor Tsing was entering. Her smirk was still present as she scanned my body.
I knew what she was talking about without having to question her. My eyes glanced around the room, seeing things in a different way now. She stole my memories right here. This is where I was before I was me. The last place I could remember everything. It was crazy to think in that perspective, kind of like this whole situation was.
She removed my gag and watched patiently, wondering what I would say to her.
"You're an asshole," was all I said.
She scoffed playfully. "That's no way to talk to me, Y/N, I helped you! I tried to help you remember. All those appointments we had together? That was because of me."
I clenched my jaw, trying to prevent myself from flipping shit. I still needed to know things from her. "You wanted me to remember so I could give you whatever you wanted to hear... Since I won't be going anywhere anytime soon," I motioned to the restraints on my wrists, "care to share why you did this to me initially?"
She nodded as if understanding me perfectly, as if she wasn't winding me up with her patience. She took a seat on a stool beside my restrained self and pursed her lips.
"Well, if you insist... We'd heard of you not long after one of our search parties caught sight of you being taken from your bunker. Of course, we were intrigued about this time-jumper everybody was talking about!" A sadistic grin washed over her. I refrained from slapping her, not that I could anyway. "So, we watched you. Took notes. Learnt who you were, where you were from."
"And then you suddenly decided to take me away from my home? The people I care about?" I retorted, unable to hold back my comment. Lexa flashed to my mind, and I frowned as I thought about my outburst earlier. I already missed her.
"Well, we decided to watch you all kill each other first," she said, shrugging her shoulders mindlessly. "You know, you, that Commander of yours and that Ice Queen? Made our job easier, really."
I narrowed my eyes at her, staying silent. She was obviously enjoying this as a smug smile appeared on her lips.
"We wanted you so we could take your memories and learn about the Commander," she snarled, her voice vicious and sharp. "We wanted to know about where they stay. Their camps. Their weaknesses. The Commander's weaknesses. You knew it all, so we needed you."
I felt like somebody was pressing in on my chest as she spoke each word. For so long, I wanted to know why they had done this to me. What I could possibly mean to them. And now I finally knew. It wasn't as satisfying as I imagined it to be.
My eyes were watering, but I refused to cry. I was full of hatred because of the woman in front of me. I had lost everything because of her; she did not deserve a single tear. She obviously saw the pain in my eyes, though, as she rested a hand on my cheek and smiled innocently at me.
"Oh, Y/N," she said, her voice soft and airy and unlike her. "You can pretend to be unbothered by me. Pretend you don't want to yell and scream at me. Heck, probably even kill me! But I know you do. And now... now I don't need you anymore. Well, not your memories anyway..."
Her hand trailed down my arm and to my wrist, where she felt for a pulse. Satisfied, a smile spread across her lips and her eyes lit up as she looked down at me.
"Your blood on the other hand..."
She was draining the Sky People for their blood, so the Mountain Men could survive radiation. And now she was going to use me, too. I should have been bothered, frightened, worried, but all I could seem to think about was my memories. Maybe it was the room I was in, or the fact that I knew why she had taken them in the first place. But for some reason, I needed to know. Since the last time I was here... Maybe things had changed...
"Can you give me my memories back?"
She didn't respond straight away. She was prolonging her reply on purpose, to irk me. It was working. She stood up from her seat and let out a heavy sigh.
"It may be possible, yes," she said, biting her lip to contain another devilish smile, "but I can guarantee you, Y/N. By the time I'm done with you, you won't need your memories."
//
not one of my best chapters, i apologise!!
I dont even know if this is a plot twist? Maybe y'all expected there'd be a reunion at some point idk. ANYWHO woah some beef between you and lexa, eh? And now you're back where you started, captured by the Mountain Men! Sad times, indeed lmao
Once again, cheers for all the comments and votes, I love y'all so much man ❤️