Ariel
Yes, I made it home last night. And yes, I drank my night away like usual. Well, I should say that I drank my 'morning' away, because it was about six in the morning when I had finally got back. Turns out, I wasn't even that far to begin with.
My head hurts like a bitch though, and I really don't feel like getting up at all. I honestly wouldn't mind laying in bed all day.
I placed my hand on my face, rubbing my eye as I hear the doorbell ring.
What in the hell? If it's Cam, she already has a key so why the hell is she ringing that loud ass doorbell?
I got up and sluggishly walked down the stairs in my boxers and sports bra, and slung the door open without even checking to see who it was. I had a mug on my face and I already know I probably have bad breath and bags under my eyes. Once I seen who it was, I froze a bit. My eyes widened, but then my face went straight and I rolled my eyes.
Jaie.
I'm going to attempt to act hard as hell, but we all know that all I want to do is jump on her and attack her with kisses and have her take me back.
Jaie made a face and tilted her head to the side.
"Did I interrupt a bad hangover?" She said as she looked all around my body. I scrunched my face up and shook my head. "Is that all the fuck you came here for?" I began to slam the door shut in her face but she pushed the door so that it wouldn't close. I looked at her like she was dumb and she licked her lips.
"You hungry or somethin? I'm about to go to work and I decided to come check up on you and see if you made it home this morning."
Oh yeah, like this bitch really cares? Bitch you broke my heart and sent me over the deep end and now suddenly you care if I walked my ass home or not? No, I should've walked my ass to a bridge and jumped. Now that's what I should've done. Damn, why didn't I think of that?
"Okay well I'm home. No I don't wanna go, I wanna go back to sleep yo." I glared at her in a way and she sighed, shaking her head. All I've ever wanted was for her to talk to me and now that she is, I'm really ruining it.
"I work at Copeland's. You know you love the food there. Jus get dressed and we'll go. I'll bring you back home or get you an uber if you don't wanna stay."
I stood there and stared at her before sighing and nodding my head, going upstairs and getting dressed.
While getting dressed, I mumbled cuss words to myself. Y'all may think I'm being rude because Jaie is 'just trying to be nice'. Hell no, I know her. This is just because she was worried about me getting home. But watch, her asshole mode will come right back soon.
Once I finished getting dressed, I grabbed my phone and walked downstairs spotting her over on the couch. She smiled, stood up, and grabbed her keys off of my coffee table while heading for the door. I followed behind, and got in the car staying silent.
It was cute how sometimes when we'd drive together, I'd drive on her lap or she'd drive on mine like little kids. We did cute shit sometimes when we weren't arguing.
What really sucks is that I'm sober and I'm with Jaie. So you should already know my thoughts will take over me soon. I can't help it; especially when I'm right next to the cause of my mood swings and constant drinking.
I looked over at her while she drove. I loved the way she licked her lips while she'd focus on the rode, how she'd be so nice and friendly and wave at the people all over the neighborhood when she passed. This is a little part of the nice Jaie who isn't always being careless.
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Jaie brought my food over and we both sat there. I was the only one eating and she played on her phone, occasionally looking over her shoulder biting her lip at this short black girl. The girl kept coming around on purpose I could tell, because she had nothing to do. No business even being over here. She's come like a hundred times, and Jaie gave her attention each time she came.
It hurt to watch, it really did. Jaie wasn't paying any type of attention to me like that, but she was giving this girl lip bites and winks. I guess maybe I should be friendly and play it cool.
"That's your girl?" I asked as I took a bite of the scrambled eggs on my plate. Jaie licked her lips and took her attention off of the girl, looking at me.
"Nah, but ever since I started working here she been eyeing me and givin' me looks and shit. She don't know I'll fuck her up." Jaie chuckled, watching me eat for a moment and then focused her attention back on the girl. My eyes shifted from Jaie to the girl and I watched in disgust as she swished her hips real hard while walking away.
"Man, she- I'll be back. I'm finna get me sum of that. Gimmie 'bout 30 minutes." Jaie said quickly, then got up and walked quickly to the back where the girl had gone. Jaie grabbed her arm and the girl giggled, following behind Jaie. When they turned the corner to where the restrooms were, I couldn't see them anymore.
My lips trembled and the fork shook in my hand while I stared blankly at the spot they were just standing at. My heart was completely fucking shattered. I knew I should've stayed home and had an attitude until she left me alone.
She knew I was mad about her and Arco last night, and she obviously could see that I had a hangover when she came to get me this morning. Why else would I have a hangover!? Because I fucking miss her and I love her as much as I try and deny it and push it away! And she should know that!
I'm going home. I can't be here and wait 30 minutes knowing she's fucking a girl in that bathroom..
I picked up my phone and pressed the power button, but all that showed up on my screen was the blank battery indicating that I needed to charge it. Fuck. Man. No.
I angrily shoved my phone back in my pocket and chewed on my lip as tears began welling up in my eyes. I leaned on the table with my elbow and played with my chain, shaking my leg while mentally telling myself that she wasn't worth it and not to cry.
You can't cry. Stop it don't you da-
The tears just began spilling out. I can't help it. I grabbed a napkin and wiped my face as quickly as I could. If Jaie was to come out, I wouldn't want her to see me crying.
My heart hurts and I honestly just want to go home and finish drinking, then sleep the rest of my day away and go out tonight or something.
I looked up and clutched the wet napkin in my hand as I watched Jaie walk back up to the table, wiping her lips with the sleeve of her shirt. I sniffed one last time so that I wouldn't have to when she was here, hoping that my face was clear as she sat down. She had a big ass smirk on her face while looking at me, then back to where she came from trying to see if the girl had come out yet. When she turned around to face me again, she chuckled.
"She can't even get up off the floor. She won't be out for a luh minute."
I nodded slowly and kept my hands at my sides, blinking slowly.
"How was it?" I fake smirked and acted like I was interested. She made a face and leaned back, stretching a bit like she had just put in some hard work.
"Her pussy was good as hell mane. Damn. But then at the end she was talm' bout some relationship type stuff, so I cleaned ha up and then I told her that this was strictly sex and she agreed and said it was okay."
I looked at her like she was a complete idiot. She sounds dumb. I hate her. I hate her so much.
"Well damn, now you got a work fuck buddy."
"Damn ri- why you ain't eat ya food? I payed good money for that."
"I'm not hungry. I'm actually tired as hell so.."
I trailed off, trying to tell her that I was ready to go home. I can't be mad at her for what she did I guess. Jaie is over me.. She does what she wants. Why should she have to put her life on hold for me? I'm nobody important.
"Ima clock out real quick and bring you home." She said before standing up, walking to the back. I stood up and sighed while walking to the front of the restaurant, my hands in my pocket. This is a nice little place.
"Alright come on." I heard Jaie's voice and I turned to my left, seeing her walk out towards me.
-
"It's okay, stop crying over her dumb ass." Cam sighed as she rubbed my back. I was laying on top of her and she had been here comforting my drunk ass for hours.
As soon as I got home, I had started drinking. Trying to drown out the feelings that Jaie had activated in my heart earlier this afternoon. I'm glad Cam showed up, because I was really attempting to drink myself to my death.
It took her forever to fight me to even lay down with her, but I finally did and just began crying to her. I was so shaken up about what Jaie had done earlier.. I couldn't even explain what I had felt. I just knew I was shocked, and my heart was in pieces.
"I can't! I love her!" I sobbed violently against her chest, my body weak as hell from all the crying I'd been doing.
"Ari baby, you have to realize things when God shows them to you. He's been giving you so many signs as to why Jaie doesn't belong in your life. And boom, here's another. She knows how you are and she knows that you miss her and you're hurting, but yet she chose to go to that bathroom still -while you were there- and then came out and talked to you about it like you really wanted to hear about that shit. You don't deserve that baby." She told me while rocking side to side a bit.
I tried so hard to keep up my careless attitude but I couldn't.. Jaie really has a place in my heart. And that place is sensitive as hell.
"Cam.. you don't understand."
"I know I don't, but I'm trying my best. Yes, I've never been in this situation but I know for a fact that staying in it isn't going to help you. At all. Yes, you're probably happy that y'all started being associated with each other again because you missed her, but baby that's not good for you. And I know that you know that. You need to stop being in denial and just.. end everything. You need to stop all of this drinking and pick yourself up where you fell. I'm here to help, but I can't do everything. It's up to you."
-
A week later
I had gotten a text from Mj saying that Gany had gotten back into a dispute with that group of girls again. So of course, I went over to the warehouse and talked shit with them trying to cheer up Gany. Even though I needed to be cheered up my damn self, there wasn't any harm in being there for someone.
The girls and I have gotten closer and closer, except for me and Gany. As much as I tried to constantly be there and be her shoulder to lean on, she'd only accept it half of the time but then once she was finished crying and being sappy she'd push me away and act like I was that 'new member' who she doesn't have to be nice to again. She hadn't disrespected me yet, but if she ever did we gon' fight on site. Because I don't play about my respect with bitches who barely even know me, and all I've tried to do is help her. Yeah, I've let her have her space. I only bother her when shes sad. Like not 'bother' like the annoying type, but I'd be like "you good? Need to talk about anything?"
It was always, always about that group of girls. I constantly told her that if they not tryna fight then why even worry about them? There's no point at all really. All they do is talk shit in a group behind a screen, and she still sits and listens to everything that they say like a dumb ass.
Mj has been staring at me the whole time we've been talking, maybe because I'm still shook up from the events that have been going on this last week. Mj could always tell if something was wrong with someone. She's good like that.
This last week, Jaie and I have been talking more. She comes over and brings Armani but only on days that I haven't been drinking. Armani is basically my reward for 'being sober.' And I've actually been okay without drinking or anything. Usually I want to throw myself into a pile of sharp ass knives or jump off the Eiffel Tower, but seeing Armani and hearing her little laughs and giggles and getting to play with her again as really brought my spirit up lately.
But although I had Armani, I had officially lost Jaie. The conversation that we had yesterday was playing over and over in my head repeatedly:
"But-But I just wish you'd come back.."
I swayed side to side a bit as I clutched onto her. My head was spinning and my legs were weak as ever. I felt like I couldn't even stand, I was crying so much and my chest was hurting. My heart was racing and fear was in my eyes as she looked at me with her angry ones. I just wish she loved me like I still loved her. How could she just leave me and not want me back?
"I don't know, Ari. Man when I left you and stopped answering your calls and checking on you.. it's because I was trying to officially get over you. And it was really working until I seen your ass at the club and then I just.. couldn't get you out of my head. But then I had to go bail you out and we've been spending this whole week together and.. Fuck man. I already told everyone I wasn't coming back. I can't. And I won't. I don't want to.. I honestly don't see myself with you anymore."
My heart once again felt like it was shattered, and I sobbed while letting go of her, finally falling onto the couch. I shook my head while looking around, chewing on my lip. I don't even know how this conversation had started, but I wanted it to end already. Those words were shots to my heart.
"I'm not coming back Ariel." She said before going and grabbing Armani, then turned away walking out of the front door.
I cried uncontrollably, almost drowning in my own tears. I couldn't take this.. My heart is constantly getting hurt by the same person over and over. She was finally out of my life and now guess who's back and ruining it again? It's crazy who makes me the happiest could make me the saddest.
My body was weak, but I managed to get myself up to go to the kitchen. I grabbed another bottle of alcohol and downed it, then grabbed Hennessy and did the same. My throat was dry and my head was spinning like never before. My eyes went black and I felt like I couldn't see or hear anything. I dropped the half empty bottle of Hennessy onto the floor and it shattered everywhere, then I collapsed and fell on top of it, glass digging into my skin causing me to moan in pain for a while before passing out.
~
When I had woken up this morning, i honestly felt dead and I still do. All of those drinks really fucked me up. I'm lucky that I even woke up this morning.. Most people wouldn't have. I had to spend a few hours cleaning all of the glass up and off my body, then patching up my cuts and everything. I had a few scratches on my face but they look like they could've been from the fight two weeks ago so I don't think anyone would question me.
After while, Gany, Shay, and Erica had decided that they were going to go and get some Chinese food; leaving Mj and I here at the warehouse alone. I was kind of uneasy about it, because I knew she'd probably ask me questions about what's been going on with me. I'm still a bit off from all the alcohol and my head hasn't stopped hurting no matter how much I smoked or how much Advil I took.
I was leaning against the couch, halfway high while looking lazily across the room at Mj. She wasn't high or anything, she had barely smoked for some reason tonight.
Once she heard their car pull off, Mj got up and walked over to me grabbing my arm and pulling me up. We walked into the kitchen where the lighting was way better and she sat me up on the counter while scanning my face. My fingers twitched a bit while I nervously looked at her. A curl had fell from the bun on top of my head, and I tried to blow it out of my face. I guess she smelt the alcohol that was still on my breath, because she made a face.
"You know the girls and I are always here for you right?" Mj asked me as she tilted her head to the side. I nodded slowly and raised one of my hands playing with my chain.
"Yes, why?"
"What's been going on with you? From the night you first got here, your appearance and vibe has completely changed. You've got bags under your eyes, you've been half drunk, your breath always smells strongly of alcohol even when you're sober, you've always got a headache, and you've been looking real sad." She sighed while leaning against the countertop across from the one I was on.
Damn, I didn't know I walked around looking that bad. I stayed quiet though, not even knowing what to say. And if I sat here and thought too hard on a lie, my damn stomach would probably flip and my head would most likely start hurting even more than it is now.
"Underneath all of these button down shorts, ripped jeans, basketball shorts, Jordan's and everything else you be wearing- you're a beautiful ass girl who honestly could have so much going for herself." She said while studying me carefully.
"I know I'm just.. Really going through a hard time."
"So hard that you have to completely let yourself go?"
"No.. Maybe.. I don't know."
"What is it?"
"My fiancé left me and I took it hard.. Real hard. Then my old friend Monica took my daughter from me and gave her to my ex to keep her safe because I was always drunk and crazy and it wasn't fair for me to leave her in her crib all day.. She was only three months at the time. Then I had ended up falling for Monica and I guess she fell for me too but I pushed her away and now she's gone. Then All this other stuff has been happening overtime and I've been talking to my other ex Tray but I don't know.. I just want my ex fiancé back. Her name is um.. Slim. We recently started talking again but she's completely different. She acts like I'm her friend and tells me all about the girls she fucks and all the shit that I don't wanna hear.. it hurts. So much. And she knows that, but maybe she's purposely doing it to show me that there's nothing else left for us. She even tells me about these girls she's been feeling. This last week that's all she talks about, and you know.. I love her and I want to be here for her so I sit and listen to her and everything that she has to say. And even though it kills me, I give her advice and I try and help. Watching her run off with someone else it.. it-" I cut myself off with a loud sob, and Mj instantly ran over and wrapped her arms around me hugging me.
Damn, I didn't want to show anybody my soft sappy side because it's annoying and ugly and it drives everyone away. Plus, how am I supposed to be part of a gang when I'm here acting like a lul bitch? I'm supposed to be hard. But I'm showing her my vulnerable side and I guess it's bad. Well, I feel like it's bad.
I just have been holding in all the events from this week and keeping them to myself. I don't talk to Cam about anything anymore because shes constantly getting upset that Jaie is still in my life, and is always trying to tell me the same thing. I also feel bad that she has to waste her time and her words, on a dumb ass who is not even going to listen. Because.. I can't let go of Jaie. And I won't. Until she leaves me again.
"Aye, it's aight.. Don't cry. I'm here for ya." Mj said softly while holding me in her warm embrace. I buried my face in her neck and held onto her while my crying slowly stopped.
"We're backkkkk!" Erica sang as they all walked into the house. Mj and I let go of each other and I quickly walked to the bathroom, going and fixing myself up. I don't want any of them to see that I was crying like a little bitch.
Having feelings sucks. I wish I had none.
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