Ariel
I grabbed my notebook out of the passenger seat after taking off my seatbelt and took a deep breath before opening the car door and stepping out. I decided to come to therapy today, to apologize for my breakdown yesterday and to see if it really actually would help in the long run.
Monica was right about me being stubborn, and actually.. I'm glad that I had ended up coming yesterday because Rachel made me realize that I was only thinking on things in my own point of view, and I wasn't looking over the relationship as a whole. Instead, I was just pushing Jaie's thoughts and feelings out and focusing on me and my own.
I had listened to what she said and wrote down my feelings last night after I had finally gotten home around 11:30. No, Monica didn't take me home. She let me walk the two hours back- because I had gotten lost- and she didn't bother trying to beg me to get into the car. I haven't seen nor spoken to her since I walked off last night, and my heart feels even more heavy than it already did before my fight with her.
Yes, I regret exploding on her when she has been doing nothing but take care of me and help me out with Armani and everything else that has been going on.. If it wasn't for her, I'd still be lying on the floor covered in broken glass, cuts, and bruises while Armani stayed in her crib all day.
I love Monica, don't get me wrong, but when you're dealing with a hurt person who's also in denial all the time.. you need to have some patience. But no, not everything is on her. I do need to apologize and I will; I just need to get this therapy session out of the way first before worrying about other things.
"Hey Ariel, how are you today?" Rachel smiled, greeting me as I walked in clutching the notebook close to me like a nerd in high school.
"Hi, I'm good I guess. How are you?" I asked as I sat down on the couch in front of her. She set her coffee mug down and crossed her legs while reaching to the other side of her, grabbing her notepad and pen.
"Pretty great."
It was silent for a few seconds and I tapped on the notebook with my nails while biting on the inside of my cheek. She cleared her throat, then began speaking again.
"So, I see you brought a notebook. Did you write down how you feel?"
I nodded and held it out for her to take, but she shook her head.
"I want you to read it to me."
I sat there uneasy for a few minutes, and she gave me a reassuring smile, letting me know that it was okay to read. I grabbed the cover of the journal and turned it, revealing the first page. My voice shook a bit as I began to read.
"I'm lost.. You were the only light that I've never known and you just.. took it away from me right when I was about to finally bloom.
My heart hurts. Sometimes I feel like it's completely shattered and like it's non existing. But other times I feel like there's this stabbing pain in it like you drove a knife right through the middle. You're the only person I've ever actually given my heart to and you completely crushed it. You broke it into one million little pieces and didn't even bother to pick them up. You left them for me to do on my lonesome. If anything, you scattered them across life for me to go trailing along and picking up; making life even harder.
With everyone else, I didn't fall this hard.. I didn't give them every little piece of me that I had to offer. I didn't show them things that I've shown you. I wasn't dedicated to them like I was you. Is this my karma for leaving them? Or Are you just an inconsiderate asshole who does what she wants when she wants?
I thought it would be us. I thought you were here for me. In every way, shape, or form like you promised. I thought you were "different" like you always said you were. I even seen the difference, but I guess it wasn't the good type of difference now was it? I feel like you were out to get me from the start. You've cheated and lied and played me constantly and who was always here?
I've bitched and fussed and shit but for those small things to make you just up and leave me? I can't believe you. I've never been so open with someone.. I showed you every part of me inside and out. With clothes on and without. I was going to marry you.. Give my life to you.
Why did you leave me because things got tough? I always stuck around you when things got out of control. I cried over you some nights- especially when you had me as your little "secret" and had a whole other girlfriend. I was hurting. You know I was hurting so bad. But my love for you and my faith in you and in us as a whole was.. out of this fucking world. Through all that, I would still wake up and try and make things right. And as soon as I'd break down one day, you were quick to say some shit like "see, this is why I shouldn't have kept you around."
All you did was talk down on me, but you'd be sure to sweet talk me when you wanted something or when you seen that I was drifting into the arms of someone else. Yeah, ha. You'd snatch me up real quick. And I was a sucker for it each time.
I'm hurting so so bad.. I didn't think you could be capable of such damage. You look so beautiful.. so sweet and innocent. You showed me love like never before and then you just left. Left like I wasn't a damn thing to you and like life was so much better without me. Well, is it?
You know, not a day goes by without you popping into my mind. I wonder how you are. Are you happy? Do you ever think about what we had?
Are you ever coming back to me..?
Do you even miss me..?
But this whole thing doesn't matter because.. even though I seem to hate and dispise you in my mind.. I'm so deeply in love with you. And that will never change. You have my heart, Jaielyn Brown."
I put the journal down and looked up at her. The room stayed silent for a long time as she grabbed a tissue, dabbing at her eyes. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I actually liked telling someone how I deeply felt. I know I didn't mention how I drove her away, but all I'm focusing on is how she made me feel.
"That was very deep.. did you feel better when you wrote that?" She asked me, and I shrugged.
"If it was supposed to help me realize things or let go or something like that, no it didn't help. But I felt like I was actually saying it to her.. so in a way I guess it did help. But I'd love it if I could actually hear her answer me. Instead, I sit around here hoping she'll come back one day and tell me life sucks and she loves and misses me and she made a mistake leaving me.. and more. But that's a bunch of hopeless bulls-"
My phone vibrated and I pulled it out of my bra, seeing that it was a text from Cam.
BFF🤤💍: Baby! I'm coming over!
I replied a quick "okay." And closed the notebook, standing up.
"I'll be here next week." I whispered softly and she seemed to have snapped out of her thoughts.
"Oh, I'm so sorry- okay, yes I'll see you next week."
-
"Okay ready?" I asked my best friend as I stood behind the closet door.
I had taken what Monica said about me being a "bitchy fem" into consideration and decided maybe I should stop. If I was careless and acted like her and Jaie and many of my other friends; then maybe I'd be more cool to be around because I'd be calm and such.
Actually, half of my relationship with Jaie consisted of her trying to convince me to at least be a "stem", because she loved when I'd dominated her sometimes. I always took that suggestion and felt super insulted. Like, why would she want me to change who I was to be someone that I'm not?
But I now realize she didn't mean any harm by it, she was just suggesting something I guess.
A few times I had actually caught her watching stud on stud porn, so at that moment I knew she had some sort of obsession with stud for stud that I never.. grasped.
I mean, I always thought it was cute, but I never put it in play. Many times I've tried to be a "stem" but I just ended up being a big baby and dressing in dresses and shorts and shit and throwing all of my more masculine looking clothes in boxes in the garage and such.
But, I'm willing to give it a try again. When I go into my "dominant personality" modes, I act somewhat careless and nothing seems to phase me. So maybe that's what I need to get myself into the right place in life. "Feelings get you nowhere."
"Yes! Come out!" Cam said, seeming more hyped than I ever was. I laughed and fixed my shirt before moving to the side, walking out of the closet.
"Oh my!" She yelled, clapping her hands.
"You look like a better stud than the ones I've fucked with, girl." She began ranting, saying more but I had tuned her out as I turned and looked in the mirror. I smirked to myself and fixed my collar as I winked.
"Shit, if I had a grill I'd look fresh as fuck."
I continued to admire myself for a moment, then turned and looked at her.
"Girl, we going out tonight! To that new Gay club! Gonna catch you a female!" She yelled before getting up and grabbing my keys tossing them to me.
"Cam, come on-" She cut me off with a loud "Nope!" Causing me to groan. "You need some play time." She winked and handed me my phone, then grabbed hers and pushed me all the way out the room, down the stairs, and out of the front door.
-
The whole ride there, Cam went on and on about "how many bitches" I was going to bring home tonight.
"We gonna make sure you get a good nut tonight." She said as she pulled me up to the entrance line. I busted out laughing and followed closely behind, my ID in my hand as I waited to give it to security.
Once we finally got inside, I followed Cam to the bar. Of course that would be the first place she'd take me.
The more we had walked through the club, the more hot the air was beginning to get. So many dancing body's- lots of fine ass ones.
"Okay, so" Cam started speaking as we both took a seat at the Bar. "You know I don't like when you get drunk but tonight is your night! You're gonna meet people and get some nuts and all of that fun stuff! I'm gonna watch you closely so don't worry, you're in good hands and I'm gonna make sure we both get home without any charges tonight." She laughed, causing me to nod my head and chuckle.
She ordered me three shots all filled with different alcohols.
"You're not supposed to mix alcohol dumb ass." I mumbled, and she smacked the back of my head.
"Girl just because you got on gold chains and jordans and shit don't mean you can be calling me dumb- you is not a pimp!" She yelled, and I put my hand over the back of my head while making a face.
"Now drink the damn shots that I'm paying my good ass money that I shook my ass all night long for! You ungrateful ass fucker."
I straight faced her. "Yeah if only you had an ass to do that w-" I flinched and got silent as she raised her hand in the air and quickly picked up one of the shots, downing it.
I coughed a bit and made another face as I picked up the other one, and she yelled for me to wait. She had the bartender get her a shot and she grabbed it and raised it in the air, clicking her small shot glass against mine.
"To being a playa in the new life!" She yelled, and I laughed before downing my second to last shot. I felt my throat get a bit more dry than usual, and I picked up my last one and downed it also before getting up and fixing the collar on my shirt.
Cam turned around in her seat and scanned the crowd, then pointed to a girl who was a fem. She was dancing by herself but she was fuckin shit up.
"Go and talk to her! I wanna see some action!" She laughed as she pushed my back, making me walk towards the girl.
Aight aight, I can do this. Just gotta change my voice a little bit and fix my grammar. Let these drinks take over and spit some game at shorty.
When I finally approached her, she seemed to have had noticed me before I even had to tap her or anything.
"Hey." She said very flirtatiously as she smirked. I licked my lips and winked before saying, "wassup lu mama?"
Okay, not too forced. I think I'm doing good.
"Mmm.. you tryna dance?" She asked.
I didn't like the fact that she was talking so damn low that I felt like a old woman trying to strain her ears just to hear. But I heard that.
"Only if you tryna shake sum'." I licked my lips and she smirked before turning around so that her back was facing me. She grabbed my arms and placed my hands on her lower stomach, just about two inches away from the waist and of her shorts. She ended up slowly moving her body against mine, but increased her movement speed as time passed by.
Just to mess with her, I even moved my hands down further so that my fingertips were underneath the waistband of her shorts. I heard her giggle softly, and my heart was beginning to beat mighty fast.
She bent over and placed her hands on her knees. My hands moved out of her shorts and to her waist as she began throwing her ass back on my lower waist. I bit my lip and watched her closely. Damn, her ass moved in every direction perfectly.
I looked to the side and seen Cam staring at me with such an amused facial expression, and it boosted my head up even more than it already was.
"Get that nut!" I heard her scream and I nodded before turning back around and smacking the girl's ass with a bit too much force I thought. But she ended up liking it apparently because she ended up throwing her ass back against my hand even more.
As time passed she had ended up standing back up and just dancing in different ways with me. We danced for about six different songs and we had both kept going back and forth from the bar back to the dance floor constantly. I've had so many drinks, I lost count.
My head wasn't 'spinning' but I'm just slightly dizzy and damn.. must I say, this girl was looking mighty fine.
"Oh, I'm Nigeria by the way. You should call me Ni though." She smiled and I nodded.
Ariel sounds too girly.. what should my name be? I can't think of any- Si. I'm gonna be Si.
"Das cute, I'm Si. But you should call me papi tho." I winked and she giggled, holding her drink up to her lips and taking a sip.
A slow song came on, and for some reason it got me in the mood to dance with her again. I stood up and she did also, then grabbed my hand as we both walked to a semi-empty spot on the dance floor. She grabbed my hands and placed them by her pussy, making me tense up a bit. I soon relaxed though, biting on my bottom lip as she began grinding against me. I followed her pace and motions, doing the same against her as I moved my hands inside of her shorts and panties, resting them against her pussy softly.
The longer we danced, the more brave I got and the more I moved my hands closer. I ended up slipping my index finger between her pussy lips and gliding it across her folds, making her shiver and goosebumps form on her skin. I chuckled to myself as I heard her moan and she gripped my wrist, pulling my hand out of her shorts before turning around facing me. Her lip tucked underneath her teeth.
Ni stood on her toes and I leant down a bit. She talked low against my ear. "Come to the bathroom.." she trailed off and I raised my eyebrows while nodding my head. She turned and began walking in the direction of the bathroom and I followed closely behind. I turned and looked for Cam but she had left her spot at the bar, so I turned around and focused my attention back on this beautiful ass girl in front of me. I wasn't so much attracted to fems, but I'd damn sure fuck one.
Once we finally reached the bathroom I pushed her against the wall and smirked as she quickly began taking off her shorts and her panties. Damn, she wanted me that bad? Tuh, I feel like the shit now.
My heart was racing. Not because I was nervous, of course I knew what I was doing. But because I was actually low key excited.
Once they were finally off, I admired her pretty, soft, brown pussy In the dim lighting. I bit my lip and got down on my knees a bit, then lifted her so that her back was against the wall and her legs were on my shoulders. I looked up at her as my lips immediately connected with her second set and I smirked slightly as I slid my tongue out of my mouth beginning to glide it in rapid motions against her folds and her clit.
Her moans and whimpers began to fill my ears as I gripped onto her thighs, digging my nails in them causing her to whine.
I blew softly on her clit, staring in her eyes before French kissing it in a way, her legs quivering on my shoulders once I wrapped my lips around her clit, beginning to suck on it like a pacifier. Her moans began getting breathy while I nibbled softly on it, chuckling while I let go and began flicking it again with my tongue.
Ni moved one of her hands into my hair and pulled and tugged at my soft curls while biting on her bottom lip. My eyes had never left hers and we never broke eye contact until she finally tilted her head up towards the ceiling and closed her eyes, gasping for air as I slid my tongue further down her pussy and stuffed it into her, twirling it in different motions along her walls, beginning to move it in and out of her while moving my hand closer to her pussy, using my thumb to play with her clit moving it in circular motions before moving the tip of my finger softly against her sensitive pearl, making her cry out "Daddy!" Repeatedly.
I slid my tongue all the way out of her, then shoved it back inside of her the deepest I could go, still playing with her pearl while wiggling my tongue around in certain places. I ended up finding her spot because she pulled ever so forcefully at my hair and her body began going crazy as she stuttered constantly when trying to say my name.
Her juices soon rushed all over my tongue and I gasped as my shirt had began to get wet. Swallowed all of her juices and proceeded to slurp up all the left over sweetness off her soft pussy, then lifted her off of me once I fished.
I stood up and wiped my face as she placed her hand on the wall trying to keep herself standing while her legs shook. I chuckled and picked up her shorts and panties, handing them to her.
She blushed as she took them and slowly began putting them on. I watched her for a moment, but then my phone vibrated in my pocket and it took my attention off of her. I pulled it out and of course, it was a text from Cam.
BFF🤤💍: Wya?
I began replying, telling her where I was but my phone died out of nowhere. I made a face and slid it back into my pocket. I'll just go out and look for her. I licked my lips swiftly and began walking out of the bathroom with her following behind me.
Somehow, she ended up in front of me and I was too busy focusing on her ass that I bumped into a small figure. "Awe shit I'm sorry mane." I said, fixing my shirt before looking at them.
"It's coo- oh hey Ni!" The person- who seemed to be a stud had excitedly yelled.
"Hey! Kae this is Si, Si this is my friend Kae. I came here with her and a group of friends." She said smiling while she introduced the two of us. I held my hand out and dapped her, then looked around awkwardly. Was she gonna walk away or..?
"Hey, Si right? You should come wit us. We got a whole VIP section in this bih." Kae smirked as she nodded her head in the direction that her group was. "Sure, why not?" I had completely forgot that I was supposed to be going and looking for Cam, but whats five more minutes missing gonna do?
Kae and Ni started walking up these steps to the top floor. The excluded section of the club.
As soon as I got up there, I could smell strong alcohol. "Damn." I mumbled as I looked around. There was about a handful of people up here and it was nicely lit. Big ass bottles of alcohol and nice glasses were at this private bar.
"Grab a drink and I'll introduce you to the gang." She said, handing me a glass. I put the glass down and grabbed a small bottle of Hennessy, opening it and holding it to my lips taking a swig.
Like I really needed more alcohol?
I followed Kae to the center of the room and she grabbed two classes, clicking them together getting a few peoples attention, but not everyone's.
"Everybody, this is Si. Si, meet Kyla, Tati, JoJo, Tra- wheres Tray?"
Instead of answering Kae's question or saying "hey" to me, everyone stopped and got quiet. The person named "Slim" that she had pointed to had their back turned and she was getting a lap dance from a stripper while another was behind her rubbing on her chest and kissing on her neck.
Whoever Slim is, they living the life over there.
I couldn't make out anyone's faces because there was no light. But when Slim turned around, she seemed to identify me quick as fuck.
"Ariel?" She said in disbelief. Her voice sounded real familiar. Or was it that damn henny? Did these people poison me already?
Slim came closer to me to identify me a bit more and the light shined on her face. My eyes grew wide. Oh god, it was Jaie. I knew the name Slim sounded familiar!
Kyla walked closer to me also. If Jaie is here, Kyla has to be her best- yep it's her.
"What's going on?" Kae said as she looked around confused. "Wow.." I whispered.
"Uh, Kae.. come talk to me over here for a sec." Jaie said as she gripped Kae's arm.
KAE! I know her! That's the bitch that I had fought with when Jaie and I were still together. I always knew she was up to no good. She probably knew who I was and brought me up here in purpose. I can't believe this.
I didn't know what to do, so I stood there awkwardly, mentally killing myself over and over.
When Kae and Jaie finally walked over, Jaie sat back in her seat and everyone busted out laughing while Kae mugged me. Nevermind, she didn't know who I was.
I looked over at Ni and she looked lost, just like that girl JoJo and Tati.
"Knee fucking slapper!" Kyla yelled as she started scream laughing. The strippers all stopped and stared, while some people laughed. The girl "Tray" still didn't come. I wonder who the fuck she is. Do I know her too? Damn. It's like attack of the exes.
"Man, I'm out. If she staying, I'm leavin'" Jaie said coldly as she got up and walked out.
My heart sank. She just.. wow. She acts like I said something to her. I literally didn't even say a word. Why is she acting like I'm a nobody? Damn..
My heart sunk and I looked around chewing on my lip. I put the bottle of henny down while everyone went back to what they were doing. Kyla had went and followed Jaie out, maybe to go tell her to come back but after a few minutes, Kyla came back with no sign of Jaie.
I played with my fingers and slowly slipped out of the room walking down the hall I had come from to get up here in the first place. While walking, I looked to the side and spotted Jaie. I felt rage and anger and I wanted to go and give her a piece of my mind. I don't give a damn if I'm dressed like a nigga, I'm about to go back to my bitchy mode and let her have it for embarrassing me like that.
I walked up and stood in front of her, an upset look on my face.
"I can't believe you! You have everyone laughing at me like some shit is funny and then you leave and treat me like I'm some type of ghost. You act like I did something wrong!" I yelled. She stayed silent and stared at her phone, not once acknowledging my presence.
"Hello!?" I yelled, she still gave me no type of response. I wanted to punch her but I just stood there looking dumb for a few seconds. Nobody moved, nobody made a sound until finally, she slid her phone in her pocket and turned to walk away. She walked down the hall and went back into the VIP section where everyone else was. I chewed on my lip and tried to blink my tears away, my heart racing as I turned and leaned against the wall. I stared down at my feet, feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
I heard footsteps and I looked up, seeing Kae with a sarcastic smile on her face. "What?" I had said barely above a whisper.
"Why are you talking to Slim like that?" She asked.
"Jaie? I didn't say anything, I just-"
"She just doesn't wanna talk to you, damn. Accept that." She said as she cut me off.
I opened my mouth to say something, but I stayed quiet as she walked away.
Tears formed in my eyes again and I turned and walked down the stairs, back to the main part of the club. I kept my head down in a shameful way and tried to speed walk before I bumped into anyone else that I didn't wanna see.
"Ari!"
I turned around and seen Cam. She grabbed my arm and made me turn and look at her.
"I was looking for-" she stopped talking when she seen the tears in my eyes and she grabbed my hand, leading me out of the club.
"What happened?" She asked as we sat in the car being quiet. I was sniffing constantly and looking out the window.
"Jaie was there and so were all her friends.. she played on me and acted like I was a nobody." I whispered as a tear or two had fallen from my eyes.
-
-Ariel "Si" in the image.