JAX
"You should get her back Jax."Gemma told me as I watched Charlie walk away.
"I know Mom..I'm gonna try"I told her sitting next to Abel.
"Well try harder. Can't let her get away from you this time, Jackson."She told me and honestly she was starting to get on my nerves.
"What do you want me to do Mom? She just got here yesterday. I can't push it on her, Her dad is dying. Why do you care anyway?"
"Because Jackson. She's the best thing for you. She always has been. I haven't seen you smile in a whole year, baby. She's been here for one day and you start smiling and laughing. You actually look like you've slept for once. I just don't want you to let a good thing go again."She told me and I nodded at her.
Gemma was right. I felt great, the best I had in a year. Charlie was good for me and like Gemma said she always had been. I made up my mind yesterday that I wasn't going to let her just slip through my fingers again but I didn't want to rush this either. Charlie wouldn't like that. It would probably scare her off instead of making her fall back in love with me. She would start to think that I just wanted her around for a fuck or a surrogate mother rather than me actually needing her in my life. I pushed her away to get her out of this hell of a city because I loved her too much and here I was trying to get her to stay because I truly needed her more than I needed to breathe. How ironic was that. Finishing my plate I touched Abel's head then stood up then leaned over and did the same to Thomas. My phone started to ring in my pocket. I fished it out and answered it. I let put a sigh as I shook my head.
"Yeah I'll be there in a little bit." I said into the phone before hanging up.
"Better get going." I said as I started to stand up.
"What should I tell Wendy?" Gemma asked me. I turned to face her.
"About what?" I asked.
"About Charlie being back. Having Wendy around might scare her off." She told me. I raised a brow at her questioning her words.
"I doubt Wendy could scare off Charlie. You made this arrangement with Wendy not me. If she wants to still help out with the boys then fine. But if you don't want her around that's on you not me." I told her. She nodded at me before I turned to walk to the bedroom to get my cut. Just by that sentence alone I could tell that Gemma was already scheming to cut her out.
"Hey Charlie. I'm going to the shop you wanna lift?"I asked her as I walked into the room.
"Yeah love one." She said, I stood behind her staring at her. Not because she was only in jeans and a black lace bra but because of the tattoo on her shoulder. She had an Old Lady tattoo on her shoulder blade. A crow holding a heart in its claws. It was more beautiful than any other ones I've seen. Underneath it, it said Mrs. Teller. I could feel my heart skip a beat in my chest just by reading those two words. She pulled her shirt on and looked at me. She knew what I saw the moment she looked into my eyes.
"When did you get that?" I asked her.
I watched her whole body language change. She seemed up tight before she took in a deep breath, held it in then sat down on the bed grabbed one of her boots before she finally let out the breath.
"I wasn't expecting to talk about this yet." She told me and I tilted my head at her answer.
"I got it the day you cheated on me. I was planning on getting it for a while before then but two days before that you told me that you needed to talk about something important." She told me. I stepped into the room more, closed the door behind me and leaned against it.
"I thought you were going to propose..." She said softly. My heart dropped. Baby...
"I knew you better than anyone else... you were being so shady-nervous really. There was no doubt in my mind that you would do anything else besides-" she said and let out a humorous laugh.
"Anyway I thought I would surprise you with it. But you surprised me with something else."She shrugged and stood up facing me.
"I drew it and everything. Should have just kept it as a drawing." She told me and I took a step towards her.
"Charlie I'm so sorry. I had no idea." I told her placing my hands on her arms she looked down before meeting my eyes.
"Not a big deal. I can't see it anyway. Guess that's what I get for assuming." She told me then grabbed her jacket and bag. She was hurt. I could hear it in her voice.
"It's all in the past now Jax...Don't worry about it." She told me and walked out the room. Walking over to the coat rack I grabbed my cut and sighed putting it on.
What was I thinking back then... Had a perfect girl and I fucked it up. Not once had I considered her feelings if she did want to get back with me. She told me that she had skeletons in her closet but I didn't think about all the wounds that she probably had herself. I knew I hurt her. I'll always remember her face when she walked into our apartment. How the light left her eyes before she left. The tears on her in her eyes when I went to go see her at Gemma's afterward.
"What happened Sweetheart?" I heard Gemma ask her.
"This was a bad idea." Charlie said then I heard the front door close.
"Shit."I said under my breath rushing out of the room and down the hall. Walking into the living room, I glanced at Gemma and she frowned as I passed her to follow Charlie.
"Jackson..."She started and I shook my head. I couldn't handle a Gemma lecture right now.
"I got it Mom." I told her as I opened the front door then slammed it behind me. I didn't need her tell me how much I fucked up back then because I already knew. The only one I needed to tell me off was Charlie.
"Charlie look, I'm sorry. I don't know how many times you want me to tell you that but I will." I told her. She let out another laugh and shook her head at me.
"You shouldn't have to say it at all, Jackson." She told me and looked away.
"I know Charlie... I know. I shouldn't have fucked Tara but I only did it to get you out. You are so talented. I would have held you back. For Christ sake Charlie you were on a damn TV show! You really think that you could have done that if you were just some old lady of a motorcycle guy." I told her, trying not to gaze into her eyes for too long. I could see the pain in them and it brought me back to that night.
"Wow... You actually think I was worried about you holding me back Jax? I don't give two shits about being on that show or even traveling Europe. You were my everything. Don't you get that? I loved you more than the world itself. I could have given a rat's ass about studying art. All I needed was you. That's all I've ever needed. I thought you knew me better than that." She told me. Her finger poked my chest every time she said 'you'.
"Charlie you were my everything too. That's why I was letting you go. I had just become VP, I knew the dangers that came with it. Hell I was fine with it but I wasn't okay with the thought that someone might hurt you to get to me. Just the thought of it now..." I said, shaking my head and curling my lip. Images of Charlie being laid out on the kitchen floor instead of Tara flooded my mind. I felt nauseous as if I could vomit immediately.
"I wouldn't be able to live knowing that heat came down on you because I was too blind to let you stay with me.
"You're still sticking to that story, huh?" She asked me.
"You did it to protect me. That's starting to get real old Jackson. You can sit on your high horse acting like that's all it was but you seem to be forgetting some important details." She told me. Her arms were now crossed over her chest and I knew she was about to let me have. Which I deserved more than anything
"I'm not forgetting shit Charlie. I remember that night. You didn't belong in Charming forever. You would have ended up like my mother, just like I told you last night. I couldn't have that. I loved you too much for that. You needed to leave." My voice was raising at her and she just shook her head at me. She looked away for a moment before she looked back at me.
"Jax, I was pregnant."With those four words I felt my whole world come crashing down. She was pregnant...
"What?" I asked her.
"I was pregnant with your child."She told me looking down.
"What do you mean 'was' Charlie? What are you saying?" I asked her. She rolled her eyes at me then tucked some hair behind her ear.
"Don't worry, you don't have an extra child. I had a miscarriage when I was three months pregnant." She said and shrugged.
"Apparently I can't do the one thing a woman is supposed to do." She told me looking down, her voice was starting to break up.
"Why didn't you tell me? I would have-" I started but she cut me off. She looked up at me, tears building in her eyes.
"You would have what, Jax? Stayed with me? Would have told me you loved me again? Would you have taken back those words you said to that night?" She asked me and I closed my eyes for a second.
"Charlie-" I tried again.
"No, because you have it in your head that I left just because you cheated on me. I went to Gemma's that night and she talked me out of leaving. I was willing to give you one pass though I would have given you hell for it. I left because of what you told me. Do you remember?" She asked me and I looked away from her.
"You told me that you didn't love me anymore, that you didn't like how I was trying to turn you into some family man and it was pathetic how desperate I was to start a family with you to lock you down. That you got bored fucking the same pussy every night and if you wanted something different then as an Old Lady I should be fine with it. That I either needed to get onboard with how an Old Lady should actually act or I could leave. Does that jog your memory?" She asked me. I glanced back at her to see tears were falling from her eyes and down her cheeks.
"As much as I knew that couldn't be true. That you couldn't have meant those things it's still what made me leave. And when I found out I miscarried I picked up the phone to call you... I just couldn't talk to you. Because what if you came to me or even talked me into coming back? I wouldn't be able to forgive the words you said to me. Or even worse, what if you didn't care? So I lived with it on my own." She said to me, I watched her in disbelief. She was right. I would have come and found her. I would have tried to talk her back into coming home with me. In all reality I shouldn't have had to do any of that because she should have been here with me.
"But as much as I hated you for breaking my heart. You ended up doing better. You have children. I couldn't give you that. I couldn't give you a family. I still can't." She sniffled a few times and wiped her eyes. I took a step to pull her into a hug and she backed away.
"My bike should be finished today. I'll get out of your hair and just stay in a town close by."She told me. Her expression was cold like mine when I broke up with her.
"Charlie come on..."I said.
"No Jax! I can't stay here. All I have ever wanted for fifteen years was for you to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. But you weren't there." She told me her voice was breaking again.
"August 20th I woke up in a puddle of blood and severe pain. And you weren't there. I was at a hospital for five days in a coma and you weren't there Jax... I can't be here with you. I can't let myself love you again because if I do and you decide that you want to cast me aside again I think it might actually kill me..." And with that I saw Charlie really cry for the first time since her mother died. My arms wrapped around her pulling her to me and I held her tight. My hand on the back of her head letting her cry into my chest.
"You weren't there...You weren't" She said in between sobs and I felt tears of my own running down my cheeks. I had no words to tell her. What would I even say? I kissed the top of her head and just held onto her hoping that would be enough comfort for her in this moment.
"Baby... I'm so sorry"I finally said. I was sure more apologies was the last thing she wanted from me but it was all I could give her. Charlie wrapped her arms wrapped around while she continued to cry into me. She was shaking in my arms and I realized that this was the first time that she truly let this go. She had all these emotions trapped inside and not once did she let go. I thought I was doing a good thing back then. I thought I was getting her out of Charming safely. That this was the best option for her but in reality I just tore her apart. I made her go through two losses by herself and I just stayed here burying my anger and pain in another woman. I wasn't the man that I thought I was, apparently I never had been. I had let down the only woman who truly loved me for me. She didn't ask for anything besides my safety and my love and I betrayed her. I wasn't going to do that twice. I would never let her down again.
It felt like hours had passed by but it was only an hour or so that had actually gone by. I was sitting on the grass and Charlie was curled up between my legs. Her head was still hidden into my chest as my hand ran through her hair slowly. She had stopped crying but neither one of us said anything. I just kept running my hand through her hair trying to process everything and cursing myself mostly. It wasn't until when my phone rang that we moved from our position.
"Club stuff?" She asked into my chest and I nodded in response as I hung up the phone.
"Bobby needs me at the Clubhouse." I told her before I pressed my lips to her head. She slowly pulled herself away from me and I followed her.
"You okay?" I asked her once we were on our feet and she shrugged.
"It was harder to tell you than I thought. I wasn't planning on telling you like that..." She said looking down. Charlie was chewing on her bottom lip not meeting gaze. I pushed my eye brows together waiting for her to spit out what she was going to say.
"I want you to know.... that was not some sick joke for me to try to get you back in my life." She spoke low and I tilted her chin up to look at me.
"Never thought it was, Charlie. God I'm just so damn sorry. For everything." I told her. I placed both my hands on her arms rubbing the leather that covered her skin. Suddenly the same type of guilt I constantly felt with Tara came creeping in. I had no right to keep Charlie here again. I wanted her back for my own selfish reasons. I did the same to Tara and that resulted in the most horrific ending. I couldn't and wouldn't do that Charlie. If she truly didn't want to be here- to be with me, then I wouldn't push her. I would let her go.
"Do you still love me?" I asked her the question that i had been dying to know since last night. That same question would keep me up at night while I wondered what life could be like if I still had her. I watched as her gorgeous green eyes dilated at my words. She pressed her lips into a line. I looked away from her afraid of the words that's she was about to say.
"Because I never stopped loving you Charlie... after all these years. I never stopped." I whispered to her.
"When I close my eyes and try to picture a perfect world it's always you that I see standing next to me. You don't have to stay. I'm done making that choice for you. Clearly I never make the right one." I told her letting out a humorous laugh. I dropped my hands from her arms while I studied her face. She was chewing on her lip again, making me even more nervous for the answer she was about to give me.
"I don't think I could ever stop loving you Jax...You're my light and I'm just a moth trying to find her light in a world of darkness."She told me. I let out a breath that I didn't even realize that I was holding in. Since last night when I saw her I could see that she still had love for me- i just didn't know how much until now. I shook my head at her, grabbing the back of her neck in my hand.
"I love you. I always have-"I started.
"And I always will." She finished for me. I gave her a small smile. She looked down at my lips for a moment before she met my eyes again. She raised one eyebrow and gave me a small smile. A tell she used to give me as permission to kiss her. I didn't waste a second as I pressed my lips against hers. Static went through my whole body as she kissed me back. Her hand was on my chest and my hand moved to the back of her neck. I didn't allow her to pull away even if she wanted to. Our lips moved slowly against each other and in sync. We didn't break the kiss until we finally needed air. I placed my hand on her cheek running my thumb over the freckles on his skin.
"Whether you like it or not. I'm going to make up for the past and then some." I told her, resting my forehead against hers. She nodded softly and touched my cheek lightly. I pulled away from her just enough to search her eyes.
"You have a lot to make up for." She told me and I nodded at her. I could hear the seriousness in her tone. I knew just how much I had to make up for now. I couldn't change the past but I could make it right by giving us the future we deserved. I kissed her once more before we both got on my bike and headed to the shop.
-
Walking inside the club all the guys were there. Letting me know just how serious this talk with Bobby was about to be.
"Hey Boss."Tig said and I patted his shoulder. Everyone soon lost their focus off of me when Charlie walked in.
"Bobby in there?" I asked and everyone nodded.
"I'll be back in a few." I told Charlie and she gave me a smile.
"I'll be fine." She told me as she put a hand on the bar.
"You boys behave." I called out while I walked away from the bar and into the Chapel to speak to Bobby.