Ariel
Not even a full 24 hours had passed and I was already laying in here drunk as ever, with thoughts running through my mind like crazy.
Broken glass from pictures that I had broken were all over the floor around my bed, and my feet had cuts all on them because I had been walking everywhere like an idiot all over the glass. My hands hurt and even have small pieces of glass stuck in them, and blood is on certain parts of my body because at a point in time I decided to throw myself on the floor with the broken glass.
My room looks like a tornado hit it, and I have no intent on cleaning it up. My body is weak, my heart feels like it's in millions of tiny pieces, and my chest hurts from the constant gasping for air and crying.
All of this that's happening had caught me off guard, and I wasn't prepared to deal with any of this. Maybe that's why I'm unsure on how the hell to act. Of course I've had previous breakups but I thought she was the one and I got myself so.. So... Wrapped up in her. Never make someone your happiness. Never give someone your heart.. They just throw it and stomp on it in the end.
My best friend, Cam, had came over last night after my meltdown in the closet, and lied with me for the rest of the night, talking to me and giving me advice as I cried and cried on her chest. She reminded me constantly that I was going to be okay and that I had a baby to live for. Of course, I know that.. but I guess it was obvious that I was about to let myself go last night. I'm supposed to be staying strong for myself, for Armani, for everyone.
She promised me that she would come back over tonight, but I asked her for a night alone. I said that I'd take this night to mope around and stuff, and that in the morning I'll try and get everything together. But, at the rate I'm going, I think I'll be doing downhill for a while. I have no desire to get up and be happy and productive. The feeling of love and happiness is gone and it left my home when Jaie did.
Over 20 small bottles filled with different types of pills sat on the night stand just waiting for me to pick them up, but I couldn't even move. My vision is blurry and sobs keep leaving my lips. I can feel the dry tear stains all over my face, and I keep getting heat flashes so I'm only in my bra and panties in this dark room; alone.
Armani had been sleeping on and off, so throughout the day I'd have to get up and take care of her while I sadly reeked strongly of alcohol. I put her to sleep about an hour ago though, so she should be asleep for the rest of the night.
I haven't eaten all day, so alcohol with an empty stomach isn't the best combination. I keep feeling nauseous and having sudden urges to throw up, but fortunately I haven't actually thrown up yet.
I want to speak to her.. So bad. I just want to know how she's doing.
I rolled over and groaned as I picked up my phone. I feel like I can't stop myself from what I'm about to do, and in the back of my mind I know that this is a bad idea.
I squinted and whined while unlocking my phone because of the bright light, then went to my contacts and clicked on Jaie's name, biting on my bottom lip before holding the phone up to my ear. Why was I calling her? I don't know.. what am I even going to say?
My heartbeat sped up more and more with every ring, and my body nervously shook a bit. She gets annoyed easily, so what if she was to yell at me and tell me to leave her alone? She's all I know.. Usually when I'm sad she's who I run to.. Shes the only one who really knows how to make me feel better.
"Hello?" She said lowly. My heart felt like it bursted open with butterflies, but I was still scared. She didn't sound sad or like she was having problems at all. She sounds pretty normal actually while I'm over here with a cracked voice, slurred words, sore throat and a stuffed nose. The thought of her not hurting the way I did, made my sadness turn slightly into anger.
"H-Hi.." I finally managed to speak as I played with the bed sheets. My eyes are heavy and I'm having a hard time keeping them open, but I feel like there's something that I want to get off of my chest before tonight is over. I want to stop myself and hang up, but I can't seem to. It's like my body is acting on its own.
She began to say something, but I zoned out while staring at the ceiling. I'm not thinking about anything, but I feel as if everything is slowly moving around my mind and like I'm in some kind of trance or something. I can't understand what she's saying for some reason, but I know she's talking. And as time passes, her voice gets lower and lower and then soon.. I can't hear her anymore. My eyes slowly closed and I whimpered a little bit as I began falling asleep.
"Are you listening to me?" I finally heard her say something after what seemed to be like forever.
I snapped out of my mind and cleared my throat a bit as I tried to think about what it was that she was just saying. "What.. what did you say?" Each word I said had come out slow as ever, and I pinched my own thigh to try and focus. If she knew I'm sitting here like a drunk mess while our baby is asleep in the other room, she'll be quick to take her away and Armani is my everything.
"You can't be calling me like this Ari.. I'm sorry but, I need time to think.." She softly said while sighing. I nodded, even though she couldn't see while tears began forming. Why am I about to start crying? Because I feel rejected? Because she really wants nothing to do with me and I'm not used to it? Or because I'm so fucking annoying that I drove her away and I keep doing it unintentionally?
"I just..." I got quiet, not knowing what to say after that. I was so lost that I didn't even figure out why I was calling her yet. "C-Can we go to sleep?" I asked, and she stayed silent before a soft "mmhmm" rang through my ear.
"Close your eyes and go to sleep.. you need it." She told me, and I closed my eyes and grabbed onto the teddy bear with my free hand, snuggling up with it as I listened to her breathe softly on the other line.
I know she probably doesn't want to be on the phone with me, but I needed it.. I don't know why but I feel like I can't eat, smile, sleep, anything without her. And that's sad.
Moments passed and my eyes grew heavier and heavier as her breathing filled my ear, and I began falling into what seemed to be like a great sleep.
-
"Ariel! What the fuck!"
I jumped up and screamed as I seen mine and Jaie's friend, Monica, standing in the doorway. The horrible headache that I already knew I would have, hit me like a ton of bricks.
I placed my hand on my head and covered my eyes with my other one as the bright light that was entering the windows was lighting up my room. My head is spinning, and I have a few questions on why she's here when we haven't spoken in a few months, and what happened last night.
"What?" My voice is halfway gone, but I had spoken loud enough for her to hear because she yelled back at me.
"Fuck you mean what!?"
My eyes were still covered, but I heard her footsteps coming closer to me. I heard glass crushing underneath her feet, and stuff being picked up and placed on nearby dressers, then before I knew it she snatched my hands off of my face and placed her hand under my chin, making me look in her eyes.
Her eyes were filled with lots of things... Sadness, Sorrow, Anger.
I placed my hands behind me on the bed and used them to hold myself up while I leaned back, but I ended up whimpering and moving my hands as they stung like hell.
"What did you do..?" She whispered as she gripped my hands softly. I shook my head and moved my hands away, only to have her gently pick me up and walk to the bathroom with me in her arms. She sat me on the counter and ran my bath water as I slowly swung my feet back and fourth, playing with my fingers.
I'm extremely embarrassed, and I'm not speaking because I don't even know what to say for myself.
"Come here." She said lowly, walking back over to me as I sat up a bit. I could tell I still looked like a lost kid, and I probably look horrible because I can see dry blood on my body, there are tear stains on my face, and I feel like shit.
She placed her hands behind me and unbuckled my bra, my cheeks turning tomato red as she placed it beside my leg. She's never seen my body before, and this isn't really the best time. I sniffed and looked down, still ashamed.
Monica wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her warm embrace, and tears immediately left my eyes. My body felt weak again and my head was pounding while I wrapped my arms around her, holding onto her tightly not wanting to let go.
A few minutes had passed and we both pulled away, then she wiped away my tears with her thumbs. "You're too beautiful to be letting yourself go like this.." She told me, I nodded.
"Get in the tub babygirl." She said as she helped me off of the counter, and I stood up, taking off my panties and slowly stepping into the bathtub, sniffing and sitting down while moving my feet around in the water.
Monica grabbed a washcloth and put some of my Dove soap on it, handing it to me. She watched me closely as I had begun washing off my body, pointing out some spots of dry blood that I was missing. "Why are you here? We haven't talked in months." I said lowly as I rinsed off my body and The Wash cloth.
She cleared her throat, then proceeded to speak. "Jaie told me to check up on you, because you seemed to be out of it last night. She wanted me to check on you because she said you have a drinking problem so.. yeah. And to make sure that Armani is okay." The more she spoke, the more anger I felt.
"If she cares so much about my fucking drinking problem she'd-" Monica cut me off with a "shh" sound and I got quiet. "Stop stressing her. I got you, I promise."
For some reason, I felt like I found reassurance in her smile, and I nodded as my gaze shifted off of her and went to the bath water that was draining out slowly. I've always had a little something for Monica.. but, I've always pushed it away. I'm glad she's here actually.. I'm glad that Jaie sent her to check on me. Because I'd probably be knocked out for the rest of the day, Armani still needs to be fed and stuff.
-
I stood up and she wrapped the towel around me, then picked me up and walked me into the room, sitting me on the bed.
"I don't want you walking because there's glass all over the floor, and I need to look at your feet and hands and make sure there's no deep cuts." She said as she rummaged through the drawers. She pulled out a pair of panties and a bra, then some shorts and a tank top. "This good?" She asked, and I nodded while she walked towards me, beginning to help me get dressed.
"I'm not handicapped, ya know." I said as she finished dressing me. "I'm perfectly fine."
Monica ignored me and walked to the hallway closet, pulling out a first aid kit and then walked back into the room. "Good, you didn't move." She mumbled as she sat on the bed and began putting bandaids and neosporin on my cuts on my feet, then some around my body and finally, my hands. After she finished, she got up and got me some socks and slipped them on my feet, then picked me up and brought me out of the room.
Once we were out, she put me down and I walked into Armani's room. She was awake and staring at the ceiling. I smiled as I picked her up and walked out of the room. Monica was already in the kitchen making her bottle, and she handed it to me.
"Thank you." I said as I walked and sat on the couch, beginning to feed the baby. Moments later, Monica walked past me with a broom and went upstairs to clean up the mess I had made. I feel bad that she's doing everything and basically treating me like a kid when I'm perfectly capable of doing things on my own.
-
"I'm gonna go, okay? No more drinking Ari." She said as she sat next to me. She literally cleaned up the whole house while I had put the baby back to sleep. Usually I'm up playing with her, but I'm just not in the mood to right now. "Okay." I said softly as I sat with my hands in my lap. Armani is lying in her rocker, snoring softly with her pacifier hanging from her arm.
Monica's phone began ringing when she had got up, and she quickly pulled it out. "It's Jaie." She said, and I nodded. "Put it on speaker.." I whispered as I chewed on my lip, and she did as I said.
"Hey." Monica said in a low voice, and soon after came Jaie's voice. "Aye, is everything alr- hold on hold on- is everything good over there? The baby aight?" She asked. She must've been talking to someone else when she said "hold on." Because I heard a few other voices in the background. Monica opened her mouth to speak, but she got silent when we both heard "Slim baby, come here."
"Who's slim?" I whispered, and Monica shrugged. But, my question was quickly answered when Jaie had mumbled "I'm coming baby hush."
My eyes widened and my lip was poked out, my heart beating fast as I felt myself about to cry. "No no don't- ugh yeah Jaie it's coo." Monica said before quickly hanging up and sitting back down on the couch, pulling me into her embrace.
"Don't cry babygirl. Please." She whispered as she rubbed my back, and I buried my face in her neck as I began to sob again. "I-I can't." I cried out, and she rocked side to side while leaning down and kissing my cheek.
"D-Don't leave Moni." I stuttered out, gasping for air constantly as my cries filled the room.
"I'm not.. shh"
___
~Monica in the picture. 😉