Chapter 32 - Betrayal
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Niall asks because I’ve just stopped moving and I’m not sure if I’m breathing at all. “Ariel? Ariel, what happened?”
I snap back to reality and my head turns to meet his worried eyes. He’s also stopped and he has dragged me away from the other couples. I didn’t even notice. My head is trying to figure a reason for what I saw. Harry said he didn’t like Mare, Mare knows I fancy Harry. Why would he take her away and why would she go with him? Why? She knows I’m here! Looking for him. He doesn’t know but still, why? Last time I checked he didn’t even smiled honestly at her. What changed? What did I miss?
“Niall…” I whisper and his hands are on my shoulders. I’m confused, I don’t know what to think but over all, I feel betrayed. For two people that mean the world to me.
I don’t understand.
“Hey, I’m here. What’s wrong?” he asks me softly but I’m still trying to put the pieces together.
“I-I-I fancy Harry,” I confess. It’s the first time I’ve actually say it out loud. I mean, Mare knows, but I never told her exactly. She’s just very perceptive.
“Good!” Niall chirps but I shake my head.
“No, no, no. It’s not good,” I choke in the words. “He… he just left with Mare right now.”
“What?” Niall asks confused and I look at him. I feel my heart aching and I don’t understand this feeling.
“I… I saw them, leaving together. He led her out of this room. I saw them… I… I was stupid, wasn’t I?” this time I ask Niall the question and he looks as confused as I feel.
“No, why would you say that?” Niall interrupts but I shake my head.
“Because… because a part of me believed Harry fancied me back. But I was wrong, I was so wrong!” my voice rises a bit, which has never happened before. I’ve never felt like this. “I thought he didn’t like Mare, but he does, doesn’t he? I mean, he took her away. What can be so private that they can’t talk here? Why does it have to be in private?”
“No, Ariel, don’t rush to conclusions. I’m sure there’s an explanation for all what’s happening. I know Harry—”
“What explanation besides I built dreams in my head that will never come true? I knew he couldn’t like me. I fooled myself,” I cut Niall off, stepping back, away from him. “Of course he can’t like me. The natural thing is that he likes Mare. She’s a good match for him. Not me.”
“No, Ariel. Please, hear me out!”
“No…” I shake my head, my hands flying to my chest, trying to sooth that ache right in my heart.
It hurts so much and it’s blocking everything out. I can’t see the people around me anymore, I can’t even hear the music. I’m not even aware of Niall grabbing my arms again. I wriggle my way out, turn around and escape. My thoughts are chaotic, nothing makes sense in my head and my heart is beating so fast. I’m shaking and I can’t breathe.
Oh God, I’m having a panic attack!
I run even faster. I hear my own voice screaming in my head, telling me I’m an idiot, that I’m a naïve little girl who thought a boy could like her back. How is that even possible when I’m plain, and boring and I can’t even go to a party with him?! When I can’t talk to people without shivering and stuttering? How?
I was stupid! I was an idiot! I was a fool!
I run to my truck, the one I’ve had parked the whole day. I get in and turn on the ignition and I still can’t breathe, I still feel my heart in my throat and I feel like I’m going to die and if I don’t run something horrible will happen. I need to run. I have to run. Run. Run. Run.
I press the pedal and rush into the darkness, as fast as I can. I’ve never driven this fast in the woods but I don’t care. I’m drowning, I’m drowning in the own darkness of my mind and I need air.
I stop all of a sudden when I arrive to the lake and I jump off the truck, running to the dock.
Water. Water is all what will save me from drowning. The only thing that will save me so I jump, diving into the water with all my clothes on. Ruining the makeup, the dress, everything! But I’m in the water, I’m safe. I’m in my kingdom, where I can’t get hurt. Only when I feel the cold embracing me, making me feel every cell of my body I finally breathe. I take a deep breath and just float as I fight to recover from this panic attack.
Slowly I start to realise I was stupid. I shouldn’t have run like that but my brain just shut off.
I take another deep breath and keep working on evening my heartbeats and the storm inside of me. That storm of black and hateful thoughts.
This is reality. I don’t know why it hurts so much. I knew this, I just let the hopes take over me but now all that’s gone. Now it’s only the raw reality and I’m okay. I’m okay.
I’m okay.
If I keep telling myself this I’ll believe it one day.
I’m okay.
I’m… okay…
+ + + + +
I’ve got a cold. Besides everything, and for staying for hours on the cold midnight water, I’ve got a cold. I went back home, to my room, with already a fever and I feel terrible today. My head is cloudy and I feel miserable. But feeling physically miserable for a cold is better than focusing on the stupid ache in my heart.
I can’t believe how much I let the hopes build in my mind and how much it hurts now. Is this love? I didn’t sleep last night, always wondering if it hurts like this because I actually fell in love with Harry. But when did that happen? Why didn't I realise before? Is it always like this? I didn’t know it was like this. If I had known I would’ve never tried to talk to Harry. I would’ve never tried to be part of his word because it hurts and I’m not good at handling this. I have no experience! I don’t know what to do.
But even with a cold, even with this heartache and this realisation that I might be in love with Harry, I still go to the crops to meet Dad and Timmy. When they ask me how the party was I say great. I say how amazing the decoration was. How everyone looked. But I lie about how it was for me. I lie, like I’ve never done before.
Then I’m driving back to the centre and the ache in my chest intensifies. But I keep going, with my cloudy mind and a fever still running. This is part of my job. This is what I have to do. Plus, Carl is waiting and I bet all the guest will appreciate this fresh vegetables.
As expected, Carl is waiting and for a moment I thought Mare is going to be there, but she’s not and I breathe in deeply in relief. I don’t want to see her now. Not her or Harry.
Carl greets me happily but I can’t do the same. I barely reply which I know concerns him, but he doesn’t say anything further. He respects the boundaries between us. Which is highly appreciated. And then I help him to carry the delivery inside the kitchen, which is a mistake because I hear her voice. I recognise her immediately. I freeze on my spot, hidden from where she’s standing but still listening to what she’s saying. To what she’s telling other girls.
“He was really sweet and he’s hot, but he’s still a boy. He couldn’t stop praising me and it was nice, I mean he’s really famous, he knows about these stuff,” Mare laughs and I wonder if she’s talking about Harry. “I wouldn't date him although he was practically begging me! Can you believe it? He didn’t leave my side in the whole night,” she laughs again and I hear other girls laughing. “No, he’s not for me.”
I hold my breath, still frozen on my spot, not knowing what to think. What happened last night when he took her away? Did he confess? Did he ask her out? Was he that charmed by Mare’s charisma that he forgot all what he told me before? Or was all that a lie? What if he used me to get closer to her?
Oh God.
No, Ariel, don’t think that! I scold myself and force my legs to move away. Far from Mare and those other girls talking about Harry. She didn’t mention a name but whom else could she be talking about? Someone young and so famous? Justin Bieber is not around.
How could she do that to me? She knows. She knows how I feel about him. She made me realise my feelings and now this? And I don’t understand Harry either! He told me he didn’t like her and then he asks her out? I… I really thought he liked me back. I mean, I didn’t see all those things, did I? When he almost kissed me? When he held my hand? When he asked me to go to the ball with him? When we spent my birthday together? Did I really read more than what it really was?
On my way to the truck I find a person and no, it’s not Harry waiting for me like he did other times. I haven’t seen him at all since last night… when he disappeared with Mare. Before he asked her out.
“Niall,” I sigh. “What… what are you doing here?” I ask embracing myself and keeping a safe distance.
“I was worried,” he replies and steps closer. “You just left and then I couldn’t find you. Are you okay?”
“I’ve got a cold,” I reply quickly but I know he didn’t mean physically. “I’ll be fine. Just a heartbreak, nothing out of this world, right? It happens to everyone. It had to happen to me, too,” I add and he looks so sad.
“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell. Come here, Ariel,” he says and opens his arms. I think about it, I really do, but then I realise I need the comfort because it hurts. It really hurts because I was so high with hopes and dreams and the fall was so painful and drastic. I wasn’t prepared.
I step inside his arms and let him comfort me because he understands, right? He’s felt this pain. In a different way, but he’s felt like someone ripped his heart out of his chest. He felt like this when Ella walked out on him. It surely felt like betrayal, like what I’m feeling right now. Probably it was worse for him. So much worse. And for that reason I hug him tighter, feeling sorry for him, and for me. I didn’t even get to live the love story. I never got to tell Harry about my feelings. It all died before it began.
“It’s okay, Ari,” he sooths me. “It hurts now, but it’ll stop and you’ll be fine.”
I believe him when he says that because if someone knows about heartache, then that person is Niall.
“It still hurts for you,” I whisper and I feel him tensing.
“But not as much as before. It’s the hurt of missing her. It changes, it’s a different kind of hurting,” he replies and I nod. I think I understand. “You’ll be fine, Ari. I’m here for you now.”
I softly start crying, appreciating that Niall is here, holding me whilst I feel my heart is breaking along with my head. A cold only makes the heartache worse. I know that now.
I wish I didn’t know.
-:-:-
I think Niall and Ariel's friendship is the cutest <3 Anyways. I know many of you have pretty good guesses but nothing will be confirmed just yet. Patience, my little grasshoppers.
BTW, Little Shy Ariel has 38 chapters + an epilogue so we have 6 chapters to go!
Bel, xx
NU: Friday