[Y/N]
-------
I finished up my report for today's interrogation. It was almost the same as every other report I had written for all the other interrogations, only with different information.
As I logged out of my computer, I heard a knock at my door. It slowly opened to reveal a happy Dazai. I looked at him, silently waiting for him to tell me what he wanted.
"[Y/N]-chan~" He smiled.
I kept staring at him with no amusement. I saw his smile slightly waver, then go back into a bigger one. This boy hadn't left me alone. I didn't know why and I just never bothered to look into it. I just assumed he was being forced to make contact with me to make sure I wasn't trying to sabotage the Mafia.
"I have a little surprise for you. Are you busy right now?" He asked.
I shook my head and followed him out the door. He took me to the roof of the Port Mafia, where I saw a women standing on a ledge at the opposite side of us. As soon as we stepped foot off the elevator, I stayed put. Not moving. He looked at me weirdly, tugging at my sweater.
"[Y/N], what's wrong? Are you-"
"Shut up." I whispered.
The woman was my mother
Horrid memories from my past that I desperately wanted to erase started flooding my mind, I could feel my emotions start shifting back to normal, to what they were. I felt all the suppressed anger and sadness unravel in me. The humiliation, rejection, hatred, frustration, hostility, depression, loneliness, abandonment and despair that I've been bottling up for 10 years, start to hit me.
My breathing quickened and my eyes filled with tears, all the emotions burned my heart as tears slowly started pouring from my cheeks. I looked at her as she turned around and grinned at me with no remorse of what she had put me through.
"You...." I whispered, glaring at her.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance," my voice cracked, "This is all your fault.."
She is all to blame for the way I am, how heartless I've chosen to become.
I bolted towards her, all of my emotions turning into anger. I hit her in the face, causing her to fall back, and off the roof, her grin was still spread across her deceiving face as she was falling to her death. I kept screaming and cursing at her as more warm tears ran down my red cheeks.
I turned away before she hit the floor, laughing hysterically while crying out in pain. The emotional pain was making my chest hurt. I slowly felt my heart cracking- literally. The emotional neglect was too grand. Dazai came walking towards me, I looked at him, I couldn't tell what he was thinking- as I was too focused on the pain.
"All.. emotions.. off.." I whispered in between breaths.
I slowly felt my all my emotions fade away, I stopped laughing and crying. I felt the cracking in my heart stop. I then felt nothing. The last tear fell down my cheek and I sat there, staring straight ahead.
I watched as Dazai sat in front of me, leaning closer.
"[Y/N], you just killed your mother." He whispered, his eyes widening in awe.
I kept staring straight ahead, not looking or speaking to him. What did it matter that I killed my mother? She's just another human who died along the thousand other people who are dying as of this moment.
"[Y/N]?" He asked, waving his hand in my face.
I had no desire to speak to him nor move away. I just sat there, in a small trance. Everything started becoming pointless to me. I rolled my head back and felt tired.
I felt him squeeze my shoulders, I looked at him and realized there was blue radiating from my body as he did that. What was he doing to me? Immediately, I felt my emotions pull up again, this time a lot more intense. It felt like my emotions were being tampered with.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I breathed angrily.
Disgust sprang from nowhere and hit me. I gave him a dirty look and sneered at him. I grabbed his wrists and looked at him with severe disappointment for a few moments before tears started forming. I looked away. His eyes widened and stopped.
I clenched my shirt right where my heart was. I felt it cracking a lot more. This was too much for me to handle. Any more of this and it could result in death. I let a few more tears fall before I looked back up at him. Regret and pain in my eyes.
"Why would you do this?" I whispered, choking back a sob, "it's so close to breaking.."
"All emotions.. off."
The amount of emotions I had went through was straining and tiring. I closed my eyes and the sound of Dazai's voice faded into oblivion. Everything became dark as my emotions altered back to emptiness.
-
I woke up in an infirmary. Odasaku was sitting in a chair close to the bed. I sat up and looked at him. I could still feel pain in my heart. He looked at me and his eyes widened, knowing what I had done to myself. He got up and grabbed me by the shoulders.
"Go back, turn on your emotions." He said, gripping my shoulders.
I sat there, unresponsive, irritating him by the second.
"[Y/N], Turn them on." He demanded.
I looked at him momentarily before doing what he asked.
"Restore all." I said.
Odasaku continued gazing at me, watching my black irises turn into my regular, [e/c] ones. Slowly the sadness and anger regressed, this time, a lot less then before. I sighed and looked away from Odasaku. My eyes were beginning to get watery as those awful memories came back to me.
"Please tell me she's dead." I whispered.
Odasaku kept his grip on me and I felt him squeeze my shoulders.
"Why'd you kill her?" He asked.
"Why the fuck was she there?" I spat, glaring at him. "How did Dazai know about her? I trusted you, I-I.." Tears fell down my cheeks and I began crying.
"This is all my fault. I knew I should have just ignored you." I whispered.
"No, [Y/N]. Dazai had only asked me about your name and ability. That's it. I don't know how he knows about her. I swear on my life that I haven't said a single word to him about your mother." He explained, forcing me to look up at him.
Through my blurry vision, I could see that he was serious. I wiped my tears away and stopped crying.
"Why did you kill her?" He repeated.
I hesitated before telling him.
Why would Dazai ask about me?
"Put shortly, she's a sadistic, horrible person who should have died a long time ago. She was a liar. All she did was deceive people so that she can get her hands on things that she wanted. She only did things for her benefit and didn't care if it killed or harmed others. She's a demon." I sighed irritably.
He pulled me into a hug.
"She, along with a few other people, is the reason I shut off many of my emotions." I whispered.
"Set 1." I said.
My emotions faded back into the ones that I had before. Odasaku pulled away from me, staring at my eyes as they gradually changed. I felt like there was a lot less restraint as my anger and sadness went away, so I raised them up a little more than usual, picking out emotions like loneliness, isolation, and resent. As well as a few others. I guess it was a good thing that yesterday happened.
I didn't want to admit it but I knew that Dazai bringing her is what I needed. I had bottled those feelings for too long and they were gonna come out eventually, probably worse than how they did yesterday.
Still, the aftermath of yesterday was massive and I knew that I had to rest and take care of myself. My heart was too damaged and if I messed with it anymore, I wouldn't be human.
It wasn't that big of a deal to me, but I knew that if that happened, it would be extremely painful. All of the emotions that I've ever felt would be released to the maximum as soon as my heart shattered and I would never be able to feel again, right after that.
"Thanks for being here, Odasaku."
"No problem. Just making sure you're okay." He said, giving me a sad smile.
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I didn't forget :)
I have a BSD one shots book! Please check it out, i need requests so i can write it! I'd really appreciate it :)