On Saturday morning, I wake up early and go downstairs for breakfast. I find Diego eating a bowl of cereal at the table. He glances up at me before looking back down at his food. I sigh quietly as I pour myself a bowl of cereal. I make the adult decision to not run upstairs and instead, sit across from him and eat. It's awkward and silent.
"Hi..." I greet him.
"Hi," he responds.
"So, uh, how was the coffee shop last night?" I ask. He didn't stop by my room after work but it's not like I expected him to. I secretly hoped he would, though.
"Good," he answers dryly. I suddenly feel like an outsider; at one point, I was an insider. I could ask him about work and he'd fully go into detail about a stupid customer or about how he wanted to pour scalding hot coffee on himself because someone irritated him. Now, I feel like my parents- one word responses and shrugs.
"So you're still mad at me..." I trail and he finally looks up at me as he eats his cereal. I watch as he chews and swallows.
"No," he answers in short.
"But you're not talking to me," I reply.
"But I am," he responds. "This...is talking."
"Not like it used to be," I mumble.
"Sorry," he retorts in a tone that tells me he's not at all sorry. I give up trying as he takes out his ringing phone. He answers it and listens. "Yeah... Right here... Sitting across from me... I don't care." Wow, talking about me right in front of my face.
"Hi?" I say as he glances at me.
"Sage," he replies shortly and I nod. "Not really, no... I mean, I can." I sit there awkwardly as he continues to talk on the phone, most likely about me. "She wants to know if you want to hang out tonight."
"After work?" I ask.
He stares at me for a second. "No, during work," he says sarcastically. He reacts to something Sage says on the phone. "I'm not being mean; it was just a dumb question."
"You're being a little mean," I mutter and he looks at me and sighs.
"Sorry," he replies, coming off a little bit more sincere. "So do you? Yes or no?"
"Yeah, sure," I reply.
"She said yes," he tells Sage. "Yeah, I know... I know what it means."
I sit awkwardly, finishing my cereal as he brings his conversation with Sage to an end. When he hangs up, I look at him curiously. "So what are we doing tonight?"
"I don't know. And I don't know if I'm going," he responds.
"Why not?" I ask. He glances at me and I sigh, getting up and putting my bowl in the sink. "I don't think you should let my presence impact your decision. And if you really don't want me to go, then I won't. I don't want to impose."
I go upstairs to my room and bury myself in my homework, only to hear a light knock on my door. I look up and find Diego standing in the doorway. "I'm going to go tonight. You should also go tonight...because, you know...Sage."
I furrow my eyebrows at him. "Okay."
"Alright," he says and we awkwardly stare at each other for a second. "That's all." He backs up and closes the door to my room.
+++
When it's time to go to work, Diego takes his bike and Calum drives me. He seems to notice something is off, too. "Are you and Diego okay? You're still friends, right?" he asks.
"Yeah," I answer, unsure if it's still true.
"Okay...he just seems upset. You should talk to him about that," Calum tells me and I repress the urge to roll my eyes. I'm the one that made him upset.
The rest of the ride is silent, and work is no fun. Diego doesn't come and spend the half hour before he clocks in with me so the shift starts off a bit sad. Diana isn't helping because she's treading around me like I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
When six o'clock comes around and it's time for me to go on break, I awkwardly enter the coffee shop and order my hot cocoa from Diego. I sit down and wait for it to be delivered. When he comes over, he places it on the table in front of me. I'm surprised he doesn't pour the hot drink on me like an angry girl off The Bachelor. "Sage wants your number," he says and it catches me by surprise. He takes out his phone and opens up to their conversation.
I awkwardly type my number while simultaneously skimming their conversation.
Sage: Can I have Orion's number?
Diego: I don't have it.
Sage: How don't you have it?
I hand him his phone back and he puts it in his pocket. As expected, he doesn't sit down and instead, walks back to his spot behind the counter. The rest of my shift goes by slowly and before I know it, Sage is waiting outside for me. Diego apparently said he'll meet up with us in a half hour or so when he gets out of work and that we shouldn't wait up.
"Have you talked to him?" Sage asks when we get into her car.
"No," I reply glumly.
"Wow, you really hurt his feelings," she says as she shakes her head.
"I tried to do the opposite!" I respond.
"I know..." she assures me.
We end up just hanging out at Sage's house. When we get there, Quincy and Webster are already inside. We joke and laugh and watch television for about forty five minutes before the sound of Diego's bike pulling up interrupts. Everyone glances at me and I try to calmly look down at my hands in a casual way that doesn't alert them to the fact that my heart just might jump out of my chest. We left the door unlocked and he walks in and greets us quietly.
"Hey," he says as he tosses his jacket on Sage's couch. He walks over and joins us on the floor, sitting between Quincy and Webster. Sage glances at me and I give her a quick frown before readjusting my features.
We all talk for a little while longer before we decide to put on a movie and as we are watching it, Diego gets up and goes to the kitchen.
"He's still not talking to me," I inform Sage.
"Just go hug him or something," she responds and I furrow my eyebrows.
"Will that work?" I ask.
"I don't really know, to be honest," she replies. "But it's worth a shot."
"Yeah, unless he shoves me off of him," I retort.
"I'd doubt that. He's more likely to ask you to get off of him," she explains. "Go now, while he's alone."
I sigh as I heave myself up and venture into the kitchen. He's standing in front of the cabinets, looking for a cup. I slowly approach him and stand beside him. He glances at me before going back to what he's doing. "Yes?" he asks. I hesitate before wrapping my arms around his stomach. "What are you doing?" He doesn't sound as alarmed as I expected.
"Hugging you," I explain. "It's supposed to make you not angry at me anymore."
"Who told you that?" he asks as he shifts in my hug so my face is now on his chest.
"Sage..." I respond. This is awkward and I feel uncomfortable because he's not hugging me back. "Is it working?"
"I can't tell. You're not very good at it," he replies.
"I don't have much experience," I mumble as I remove my arms from him. My face burns in embarrassment. Can someone snipe me through the window? Please.
"Was that your first time hugging a guy?" he questions quietly.
"Yeah...well, I'm going to go," I mutter awkwardly. I turn to walk away, closing my eyes and cringing as I start towards the living room. He surprises me by grabbing my arm and pulling me back. I stand there for a second in surprise as he wraps his arms around my waist. I have no choice but to put my arms around his neck. Our heads sit side by side and I try hard to control my heartbeat. You got this...you got this.
"I figure I might as well make your first time enjoyable," he says.
"Uh..." I trail and I repress the urge to sigh. There it goes. My heart begins thudding like a drum.
"Not like that," he says. His chest rumbles with laughter and it feels just like I imagined- soft but also firm. I inhale deeply and sigh in delight. He smells so good. "Did you just smell me?"
"Yeah, you smile nice," I respond.
"Thanks...you do, too," he replies.
I pull away slightly and look at him, ready to ask if we're good now. I didn't realize how close he was going to me to my face. It seems to startle him too because he blinks and shifts his head back a bit. My heart starts thudding even harder in my chest when his eyes scan my face, falling onto my lips for a second. He locks eyes with me again before smiling and breaking eye contact. I rest my head on his shoulder and wait for my heartbeat to slow down.
"What are you guys doing?" Quincy blurts from the hallway between the kitchen and living room. He walks out, followed by Webster and Sage.
I take a step back and look at them. "Were you eavesdropping?" Diego asks curiously and they shrug.
"You guys were alone together in a room. We wanted to know what was going on," Quincy explains.
"We talked," Diego answers and I look at Sage and she makes a small hugging motion and I nod, earning a nod of approval from her.
"So no awkward tension anymore?" Webster inquires.
"No," Diego replies.
"So can we go back to the movie or..?" Quincy trails and everyone nods and starts heading back towards the living room. I look to Diego.
"Are you coming?" I ask.
"Not yet, I came in here to get a drink," he responds.
"Oh...I want one, too," I tell him. He nods at me as he grabs cups from the top shelf.
"So are you okay?" he asks as he bends to look into the fridge. His shirt falls neatly on his back and I admire it for a second.
"Huh?" I reply, watching as he turns around with a smirk on his lips. He sets the juice on the counter.
"I thought you were going to have a heart attack," he admits and when he sees my confusion. "Your heart was beating so fast."
I narrow my eyes at him as I feel my face heat up. "Shut up," I mumble.
"Friendship, am I right?" he replies as his eyes flit between both of mine. I feel something in my chest burst as I blink a couple times.
"Yeah," I practically whisper as he slides me my drink.
"Answer me this..." he trails and my breath catches in my throat. "Are we going to have a lot of moments like that? You know...as friends."
I inhale so deeply that I start choking. I sip my drink and exhale slowly. "This is some good juice. Thanks." I leave the kitchen and hear him laughing as I go.
+++
"So you're telling me that you had two opportunities to kiss him and you didn't?" Diana asks curiously and I stare at her from across the lunch table. "You realize he's moving out soon, right?"
"Yes, Diana," I grumble. "It's just..."
"What?" she prompts.
"The second time, I don't know, it was weird..." I trail. "Like, we were both staring at each other and we knew what could happen but he looked away and it kind of..."
"Kind of ended the moment?" she asks and I nod quickly. "Well, can you blame him?"
"No. I just..." I trail again, sighing in frustration. "I want to but I don't."
"Why don't you?" she continues.
"I don't think he is looking for the same things as me," I tell her. "I don't want something really casual. But he doesn't seem like the relationship type. Besides, if for some reason, he is the relationship type, we're so different. Everyone says opposites attract but whenever opposites attract, they break up because they're too different."
She nods as she looks at me. "And why do you want to kiss him?" When I give her a flat look, she rolls her eyes. "It's a valid question."
"Because I guess I kind of, sort of, maybe a little bit, like him," I finally say. "And he's cute, so obviously."
"Hm," she mutters as she looks at me.
"What?" I retort. She shakes her head, refusing to speak. "What?"
"I told you so!" she finally blurts.
"What do you mean?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows, a little taken back by her enthusiasm.
"I knew you'd like him!" she responds. "And I told you that he could be the boy but you were so skeptical!"
I roll my eyes at her as I sigh. "Whatever, you were right."
"You're damn right I was!" she says with a large grin.
"So what do I do?" I ask her.
"Oh...I don't know," she shrugs. "I've had one boyfriend and it was in 8th grade and everything after that was just a brief hookup now and again. I have just as much experience as you."
I sigh as I put my head on the table. "You're literally no help."
+++
4 o'clock rolls around and I enter the bookstore to find J.D. pushing a rotating stack of books. His head perks up as the bell above the door rings, announcing my presence. His eyes falls on me and then onto Diego, who is trailing behind me on his phone. When I stop, he bumps into my back and drops his device onto the carpet. "What the hell, Orion?"
"Sorry," I mumble.
"Oh," he says pointedly when he notices why I stopped.
I continue walking and he follows behind me, returning his attention to his phone. I slip behind the counter and offer J.D. a smile. I turn around and shoot a glare at Diana, who gives me a brief wide eyed look. She's been here for at least five minutes and she couldn't shoot me a warning text? I clock in before turning around and greeting J.D. tiredly. "Hey," I exhale.
"Hey, Orion. It's good to see you again," he responds. It's been an awkward week or so. We went from heavily flirting (more so Diego pretending to be me and then him) to sending as little as four messages a day.
"You, too," I reply. "So what brings you here?"
It becomes clear to me that he's a bit uncomfortable. He glances at Diego, who is leaning against the counter tapping away on his phone screen. J.D. returns his gaze to me and grins that boyish smile. "I was just wondering if you were maybe up to going out this Friday?"
Diego stops typing for a second and glances up at me. I avoid his gaze and try as hard as I can to think of an excuse. My heart starts to pound and I can feel my ears heating up from being put on the spot. He couldn't have picked a worse time to ask. I can never bring myself to say 'no,' especially not in a situation like this. I open and close my mouth a couple times before deciding to just agree. "Okay, sure," I answer. Maybe I can talk to him and tell him I'm not interested.
"Really?" he asks in shock.
"Yeah..." I trail. "Just, uh, text me the details."
"Okay, definitely!" he answers before pointing over his shoulder. "I've got to run but I'll text you later."
I nod at him with a forced smile and watch as he leaves the bookstore. "Sounds like you've got a date," Diego speaks from beside me.
"Didn't sound that way to me," I reply as I start trying to find something to do under the counter to avoid looking at Diego. I don't want to look at him too hard to try and gauge his reaction because then I'll think too deep into things and get my feelings hurt. I swear, his eyebrow could quiver and I'd start thinking that he's secretly interested in marrying me and sees J.D. as a legitimate threat that must be eliminated.
"Well, what was that to you?" he asks and I shrug.
"A hang out session," I answer.
"Ah...okay," he trails and I give in to the urge to look at him. He's gripping the edges of the counter and leaning in as though interested in the topic of conversation. His phone is tucked away in his pocket.
"Well, what do you think it is?" I ask.
"A date," he answers bluntly.
I refrain from asking him if that bothers him. "I don't think so," I answer back.
"Diana," Diego says as he turns his attention to my eavesdropping friend. "Were you listening to the conversation that just took place between J.D. and Orion?"
"Yes, I was," Diana answers.
"Do you think he was asking her to hang out or was it a date?" he questions.
"Well he didn't outright say hang out so I think it's a date," Diana replies.
"But he didn't outright say date either!" I retort.
"He's interested in you so he could literally ask you to eat a piece of cheese with him and it'd be a date, at least in his mind," Diego replies. When I go to open my mouth, he narrows his eyes. "And don't you dare say that he's not interested in you. There is never a word that comes out of that boys mouth that isn't him flirting with you."
"I mean, I flirt with a lot of people but that doesn't mean that I'm interested in all of them," I respond.
"Oh, really?" he asks, earning a shrug in response. "Who are all these people that you flirt with?"
"You know what? Never mind. Date or no date, I'm going to make it clear that I'm not interested in him," I tell Diego.
"Oh, are you?" he asks.
"Yes, I am," I reply. "We've been giving him mixed signals for too long. I'm starting to feel bad."
"We?" Diego questions.
"Yes, we. You've been flirting with him, pretending to be me, and I've been ignoring his messages," I respond.
"You're good at that," Diego replies.
"Ignoring people's messages?" I ask.
"No, giving mixed signals," he responds with a small smirk as he assesses my face. My eyebrows shoot up against my will and he pushes himself off the counter. "I've got to go clock in. I'll see you after work, Orion. Can we do some homework later?"
"Yeah," I reply with narrowed eyes. He's full on grinning now.
+++
"So...do you plan on telling him on the date or like this week?" Diego blurts when we're ten minutes into our homework session.
"What are you talking about?" I reply as I break my attention away from my AP US History assignment.
"J.D.," he clarifies and I shrug.
"I don't know," I say. "Would it be bad to do it over text?"
"I mean, you'd be wasting less of his time," Diego replies.
"Yeah..." I trail as I pick up my phone. "What do I say?"
"Let me see," Diego says as he extends his hand.
"No, I want to construct the message," I reply. "Besides, you'd probably get me engaged to him if I were to hand this over to you."
"No, I wouldn't," he says in a serious tone.
"Get back to your work. I'll read it to you when I'm done," I say.
Orion: Hey, J.D. I just want to clarify my feelings with you. I'm not interested in you romantically. I'm really sorry if I've given you any other impressions lately and if you feel like I've been leading you on or giving you mixed signals. It truly wasn't my intentions. I still would like to be your friend if that's an option. If you still are up to hanging out on Friday, then I'm more than willing to go as friends but if not, I get it.
"Did you finish?" Diego asks five minutes later and I nod quickly, reading the message off to him.
"Sounds good," he replies. "Would you really still hang out with him?"
"Yeah..." I trail. Would I particularly enjoy it? Probably not.
"Okay, let me know when he replies," Diego says.
Only minutes later do I get a response.
J.D.: It's fine; I completely understand. I'm sorry if you felt pressured to talk to me. And I would love to be your friend but only if you're doing it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Do you think we can reschedule our hang out? I just need some time to think.
Diego looks at me and watches as my face fills with guilt. I put my head in my hands and sigh. "I'm the worst," I confess. "I should've done this a long, long time ago and in person," I reply.
"You probably wouldn't have been able to get the words out in person," Diego blurts. "But you're not a bad person. You told him how you feel; you can't help that. You can't help who you like and who you don't like." I look at him for a second as he stares at me. I break his gaze and look down at my phone. "Don't beat yourself up about it, Orion."
"I feel bad," I tell him.
"He'll get over it," Diego replies and I roll my eyes.
"It hurts when you have a crush on someone and they don't like you back," I retort.
He looks at me and blinks a few times. "I know it does," he says with a nod. I immediately look away. What's that supposed to mean? Sensing my discomfort, he swiftly changes the subject. "I can't focus on this reading."
"What is it about?" I ask him, glancing down at him. He's laying on the floor of my room surrounded by his textbooks and I'm propped up on my bed with mine in neat piles.
"I can't even tell you," he says with a shrug. "Can you read it to me?"
"Sure," I mutter. It's better than struggling to do math equations. I reach my hand out for it and he shakes his head.
"You come down here," he insists and I sigh as I crawl from my spot on my bed to the floor. I sit beside his head and he hands me the article. I stretch my legs out and assess the packet on my lap. It's six pages long and double sided. Just perfect.
As I start reading it, he adjusts himself and places his head on my lap. I look down at him and he smiles before closing his eyes. "Don't fall asleep," I insist. "I won't sum it up for you if you do."
"I won't, I promise," he says. I struggle to absorb the information because of his head resting against my thighs.
Twenty minutes later and he groans. "I literally spaced out for half of that.
"I'm not reading it again," I retort and he sighs.
"I'm not doing that homework," he mutters. "I want to go out."
"Are you ever going to tell me what you do when you go out?" I ask him as I look down at him.
He sighs and smiles at me before sitting up. I have to jump back or else our faces would've collided, and not in the good way. He looks at me. "Let's go for a walk," he says as he stands up.
I look up at him, narrowing my eyes. "You're just going to dodge my question?"
"No," he replies as he holds his hands out for me to take.
"So you'll answer it?" I ask.
He shrugs as he shakes his hands a bit to encourage me to grab them. I do and he pulls me up. I stand there and dust off my hands before slipping my feet into my shoes. We head downstairs to find my parents on the couch watching television.
"Where are you going?" my mom asks curiously.
"We're just going for a short walk to get a break from homework," I tell them, hoping they'll leave it at that.
"Sure," my dad says, not looking away from the television. Diego and I slip outside and he turns onto the sidewalk. I try to keep up.
"So...what do you do when you sneak out?" I ask.
"Explore...sometimes do other stuff," he trails.
"Explore where? And what other stuff?" I pry.
"Places in the city," he explains. "And we just drive around and stuff. I'll show you one day."
"Show me as in I go with you?" I ask.
"Yeah," he starts, "if you're up for it."
"Okay..." I trail.
"You realize I'm moving out soon right?" he starts.
"Yeah..." I mumble. It has crossed my mind once or twice, or multiple times.
"It's okay to cry, you know?" he says with a grin and I roll my eyes at him.
"Shut up," I laugh as I roll my eyes.
"You know you're going to miss me," he nudges me.
I give him a sideways glance as I smile. "Just a little," I reply.
"Only a little?" he says, wincing and holding his chest. "Ouch."
"What? You're going to miss me a lot?" I retort with an eye roll.
"So much," he replies with a stupid grin on his face. "Like, this much." He steps out in front of me and stretches his arms out as far as they can go. I roll my eyes at him and walk around him. "I'm serious," he tells me.
"I'm going to miss you this much," I say as I put my index finger and thumb as close as I can without them touching.
"Ouch," he says as he shakes his head.
"I mean, should I miss you more? Am I never going to see you again?" I ask.
"I mean, yeah you are, you can't get rid of me," he replies. "Okay question; if I were moving to a different state, would you miss me?"
"Okay, you got me," I confess. "I'd miss you this much." I give an inch of space between my index and thumb and he rolls his eyes.
"What do I have to do to make you miss me?" he asks. "Die?"
"No," I retort. "Don't die."
"You're seriously not going to miss me?" he questions, a bit quieter.
I look at him and sigh loudly. "Yeah, okay, I will."
A grin breaks out on his face as he points at me. "I knew it! You can't resist this charm."
"Go home already," I mutter as he turn around to head back to the house. "Are you still going to, like, hang out and stuff?" I start. "And by hanging out I mean doing homework and stuff."
"Why of course we are," he says as he wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me into his chest. I stop walking and try to shove away from him. He laughs loudly when I manage to pull myself back. I almost fall but he grabs my wrists and helps to steady me. "Actually, I was thinking that maybe we can hang out on Friday, you know, so you won't be here thinking about how you brutally rejected, I mean, kindly turned down J.D.?"
I narrow my eyes at him to hide the excitement in my chest. "Sure," I reply. "Sage, Quincy, and Webster, too?"
"I was thinking just us...unless you want them there," he asks as he quirks a brow.
"No..." I trail. "Just us will work."
He grins at me as he nods. "Okay."
"Okay," I reply.
"Okay," he says again. We sit on the porch in silence until my father opens the door and tells us to get inside and that it's getting late.