"Yeah, okay. Thanks. Yeah," I laughed. "Bye. Yes. Go!" I laughed again and hung up. I was sitting in my room again, the windows open and the breeze whistling in. I opened my email. I had one from Michael. I stared at it. I hadn't spoken to him since the day we got back from LA which was two weeks ago. My mom opened my door and peeked her head inside.
"I'm made lemonade. You want some," she asked, holding out the sweating cup of lemony goodness. I nodded my head.
"Just set it here," I said, pointing to the table next to my bed. She sat the glass down then sat next to me. She took a glance at my computer and then up at me.
"How long has it been," she whispered.
"Two weeks," I told her. My mom and dad were supportive all my life and now I didn't need them so much any more. I had Daisy to help me and she gives really good advice. I even turned to an old friend to help cheer me up. It was natural for me to only have two friends so not having Violet or Michael around anymore didn't bother me too much.
"Are you going to open it?"
"Yeah, maybe later, though." I stood up and grabbed the lemonade. "I'm going to take a walk. Thanks for the drink."
"Okay. Be home for dinner."
"I will." I grabbed my keys and left the lemonade in the kitchen. I walked down to the thick forested park near our house. I sat against a tree and took out my phone. I opened Michael's email. There was no subject and all it said was "Watch this then call me." There was a video attachment. I opened it and it was called "Wherever You Are - 5 Seconds of Summer". This must be the new song. It was the one Ashton wrote. The one for me. I was hesitant to play it but did so anyway. The music started and it was all black and white. My favourite effect. The song started out and it was saying that he will love this girl, no matter where he is and he will never give up on her. Also how he will help her no matter what is troubling them. I cried. I hadn't cried in a week but this made me cry. Not a couple tears but sobbing and wailing because I realised that it was my fault. I need to fix this. Ashton loves me and I love him. Nothing will change that. Where was he? Isn't the tour starting soon? I quickly shut the video off and then called Michael. I was still crying but I tried my best not to make noise.
"Hello," he picked up.
"Michael."
"Payson! Payson, I'm so sorry. I really am. We need to fix this."
"Yeah," I sobbed again.
"Where are you? We'll come and get you."
"No. No. I'm going to go back home and you meet me there, okay? I need to change and stuff. I - I'm sorry for lying to you. I - I just really love him."
"We'll be there soon. Okay? Hold on."
"Okay. Okay. Just hurry," I laughed and hung up the phone. I started walking but then I just wanted to run and so I did. I ran all the way back home, the wind drying my tears. I rushed inside and ran to my room. I threw on my black skirt, my black knee socks, and a white jumper with a donut heart on it. I grabbed my platform trainers and let my hair down. I wiped my face and started to put on mascara when my mom came it.
"What is going on? What are you doing?"
"The boys are coming," I told her and I could feel the tears coming but I choked it down and put my chapstick on. The doorbell rang.
"Can you get that, mom," I asked, going to straighten up my room. I threw my laptop under my bed and straightened the covers. I threw my phone on my bed and ran out to give Michael a hug, jumping and enwrapping him.
"You okay," he asked.
"Yeah. Why would I not be okay?" I smiled at him. He wasn't smiling. I looked around. None of the boys were smiling, not even Luke. "What's wrong with you guys?"
"We've missed you!" Ashton yelled. I looked at him, not smiling now. His eyes were watery.
"Oh," I sighed. "I've missed you guys too."
"Can I talk to you," Michael asked. "Privately?"
"Yeah sure. Um, make yourselves at home guys." I said, stilling staring at Ashton. I walked after Michael into my room.
"What's wrong with you," he asked again.
"I don't understand. I thought you'd be happy to see me again. I'm certainly happy to see you again."
"Well you can't expect to just not talk to us for weeks and then expect everything to be all better."
"Yes, I do! You won, Michael. I love Ashton. Yes, I know I do know, but you made it evidently clear that he is not good enough. I don't need some boy if that's what breaks our relationship."
"If you didn't want to break our relationship, then how come you didn't talk to me for two weeks."
"I did. I tried to call you at first but when you never answered, I assumed you were busy."
"I was mad at first, but now I'm over it. I cooled off and I can see now that I was wrong. Ashton is very good for you."
"I don't like you deciding that. I've clearly moved on."
"Moved on? I can see your tears Payson. I heard you on the phone. I heard him in that song and I know you did too. You're denying that fact that you love him because you're scared!"
"I am not," a tear ran down my cheek and I wiped it away with my sleeve. "I love him and I'll scream it from the tops of the roof."
"I don't believe you. The real Payson I know was afraid to say it even when it really mattered and now I think those words are transparent. They have no meaning. You are just saying it so that I will forgive you and things will go back to normal but they can't, Payson. They never will be the same. You changed things. You changed a lot of things and now you have to pick up the pieces like an adult. So go out there and apologise to Ashton. And don't tell him you love him because you don't!" He said, walking the door. Ashton walked in after a few minutes. I couldn't bear to look him in the eye while I cried. I wiped my face and sniffled before he sat a hand on my back.
"I like the song," I blurted out.
"Thanks," he said quietly.
"Ashton, I'm sorry. I'm a mess and very emotionally unstable."
"You're not emotionally unstable," he laughed. "You're just having a hard time."
"I really did miss you, though," I told him, finally looking up.
"I did too. It held me down for awhile. Michael and I wouldn't even look at each other but I realised something."
"What?"
"It was all your fault."
"What," I spat.
He started laughing and then said, "I'm kidding. I realised I don't love you as much as I thought I did."
"That's not much better."
"No, it's not but it's the truth. I thought I was head over heels for you. The desire to be with you overtook the long lasting impression that I saw a shell of you. But I do love you. I love you in a way that I want to fill you back up again. And I need to you to fill me too. We are both empty cups but when we are together, we are full. I don't know how that happens but it does. Then I got the illusion that I was full, but I wasn't. You didn't fill me up as much as I though you did and I was filling you as much as you needed. So, I'm am here to tell you my secrets and you will tell me yours because we both need to be full."
"Wow. I - I don't know what to say. You certainly put me at a loss of words with that."
"How about we start with how are you?"
"Okay. I've been okay. I've talked to Daisy a lot. And I got back in touch with Christian. He has another girlfriend. Her name is Alex. I finished my schooling. Got a certificate in video editing. Now is a matter of finding a job."
"I could get you one. We are thinking about signing with Capitol Records in LA. We could probably get you a job there."
"That's would be great but I can't move to LA."
"You could tour with us. For all of our video editing needs," he half-smiled.
"Okay," I laughed. "But we'll be seeing each other everyday."
"That's fine with me," he smiled, enlacing his hands in mine.
"Ashton, I--"
"Just tell me. You can trust me," he smiled.
"Okay."
"Really?"
"Really," I smiled and we laid down on the bed, like old times. I told him about my past. I explained that when I was thirteen I was diagnosed with insomnia. Then the anorexia started and I fell into depression. My parents sent me to rehab where I met August. We were there for each other and we agreed to be in a relationship but then he was released and I had to stay. I was getting worse so my councillors roomed me with Cole. He was nice and we agreed to help each other get home. We did do it. I felt better and I was happy. We both went back home and never saw each other again. Then after awhile, I turned seventeen and the anorexia came back. I felt so bad about myself that I went into yet another depressed state. I then found Christian's videos, but it was too late, my parents had already put me back into a rehab. I watched his videos and felt so much better. I ended up Skyping him getting together, but then I didn't want to go back home. Everything was nice in rehab. I was left alone with Christian and there was no real responsibility. My parents visited and saw that I was better so they took me out. I was sad to leave but I told them not to expect me to do anything. Christian convinced me to finish my last year of high school and I finished when around when I turned nineteen. My parents were so proud of me for turning my life back around that they sent me to visit LA with Michael as a treat.
"So, that's my past. I hope you don't think different of me," I said.
"I do think differently of you but in a good way. Now I don't seem so bad," he laughed. "I was depressed too for awhile. Self harming and all that but I picked myself of for my love of music and that all helped."
"I bet the boys are wondering what happened to us."
"Probably."
"Then we should out there."
"Let them wait," he said, leaning over to kiss me again. I missed him so much and I knew that one day we could love each other so much. But for now, I'm good staying here.