My ex colleagues
Laughing and talking
Presenting their new work
The pics look great
Sunny. Palm trees.
Sunburned legs in shorts.
And I am stuck here. In this house
Too afraid to move. Too messed up to live
Nowhere to go. Not knowing what to do
I sit in my chair and cry.
I am such a loser
That I can’t keep up
Can’t deal with life
Funny how one photo
Crashes through my defences
Breaks me down
And flushes me away
In a flood of my own tears
Sometimes I regret my decisions
And wished I was in a different place
I should have worked harder
Should have succeeded
Should have been there
With them. Having fun.
But I am not.
And I am at a loss what to do about it.
I thought I could have both.
Be a scientist. Work all week
And come home to be a wife and mother
Irrespective of where we are
Irrespective of what I do
Irrespective of how much I work
I thought I was smart enough
I was convinced I was strong enough
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I feel ashamed
That I don’t measure up
Not as a scientist
Not as a mother and a wife
I am just this despicable little pile of misery
That is a burden to everybody
Nothing more. Nothing less.
I wish I could be less.