"You've booked us a weekend away in an RV?!" It's just as well Abe was seated at the dinner table because had he been standing he might well have fallen over out of surprise. He looked like a four-year-old who'd just been told it was going to be Christmas every day for a week!
"Well, you've been talking about it for long enough. I thought we'd try it for a night and see if we like it," Janine said feigning enthusiasm, although Rose wasn't sure whether her mother's gritted teeth were because she knew she'd be telling Tata about the pregnancy, or because she'd be spending two days in a motorhome. Probably a bit of each.
"We're due to pick it up first thing Saturday morning. The company recommended the drive up to Silver Springs and staying in the park there for the night. Then we can have a leisurely trip back on Sunday and return the vehicle by 7 pm. It's all organized. The RV comes fully stocked, even with food. All we need to do is pack our clothing."
Abe was almost beside himself with excitement! He'd been hounding Janine to try motorhoming since they'd been married. For twenty years he'd had visions of nomading across the open countryside.
"That sounds wonderful, Janine! The three of us will have so much fun!"
"Three of us?! No way, Tata. I'm staying at home," Rose said unambiguously, shooting her mother an alarmed look.
"Nonsense. I'm sure there'll be plenty of room for you, too. We'll make a family mini-vacation out of it!" Abe tempted.
"There's only one bed. Rozalia is right – she needs to study so she can stay here. It's only one night, Abe. If we like it, we can look at hiring a larger van next time."
The rest of dinner was spent Abe enthusing about the 'great open road' and how this trip would be the first of many glorious trips away.
"Once Rozalia is at college, we could take a month or two off work and explore!" Abe enthused, oblivious to Janine's long-suffering expression. "Just imagine – you, me and no commitments! We could go wherever we want, and all the comforts of home would be right with us! We could spend our days fishing or hiking! It'll be brilliant, Janine!"
Rose smiled at her mother's stoic face apologetically. Her mother's idea of 'hiking' was the trip from the pedicure lounge to the massage room, and she didn't particularly enjoy eating fish let alone catching it!
Rose woke up at 5 am Friday morning feeling uncomfortable. Her back was aching, as was her lower stomach. It took her a couple of moments to surface into wakefulness, but as soon as she did she threw back her bedclothes to find her pajama bottoms soaked with blood, her sheets similarly stained. She stared for a moment taking it all in.
Climbing out of bed and shuffling to her bathroom, she quickly disrobed, stepping into the shower and washing herself clean. Drying off, she was about to insert a tampon when she had a vague recollection that you weren't meant to do that if you were having a miscarriage. So she grabbed a panty liner and used that instead.
It was coming up on 5.30 am. Her mother wouldn't be up for an hour or so, but she wasn't sure if this was an emergency or not. Her father would be up soon, but for obvious reasons, she wouldn't be confiding in him! Feeling more cramping, Rose decided to bite the bullet, walking to her parent's room. Knocking on the door and hearing her father's sleepy "Yes?" she stepped inside. Janine was waking up, staring at Rose in confusion.
"Sorry to wake you, Mom, but my period started, and it's really heavy. I've only got panty liners, so I was wondering if you had any pads?"
Abe lay back down in bed, developing the domestic deafness he experienced any time his wife and daughter talked about anything to do with feminine hygiene, breasts or women's underwear. It was astounding the way they could have a full conversation in front of him, yet he never seemed to hear a thing.
Janine sat up looking at her daughter in alarm. "Yes, I have some," she said quickly bustling into her bathroom and coming back out with a large pack of overnight sanitary pads. "Are your sheets dirty?"
"Yeah, sorry Mom. I'll soak them."
"Never mind, I'll give you a hand," Janine said looking at Rose meaningfully.
They walked back to Rose's room, where Janine took Rose into her arms. "How are you feeling? Is there a lot of pain?"
"Just a bit of cramping," Rose said truthfully. "It's not too bad."
"The chances are it's a miscarriage, wee one. A little bit of spotting can be normal in pregnancy, but this looks like a lot more than that," she said, indicating the bloodstained sheets. "Go put a pad on, and we'll soak these sheets. As soon as your father goes to work, I'll ring Dr. Olendzki's office and see what we need to do."
Rose nodded woodenly, taking the pack of pads to her bathroom. By the time she got back, her mother had the sheets stripped and into the washing hamper. The two of them padded downstairs. Janine put the kettle on while Rose dealt with things in the laundry.
"Should I call Dimitri?" Rose asked softly when she returned to the kitchen.
"Let's not worry him until we know what's going on," Janine counseled. "I'll take the day off, and we'll work it out," she said lovingly, cuddling her only child again.
By the time Abe came downstairs, Janine had made waffles for the three of them.
"Everything all right, Rozalia?" he asked, coming around the counter to give Janine a sweet kiss.
"Fine thanks, Tata. Just needed Mom's help with something," she said, knowing from experience her father would get embarrassed and flustered if she spoke directly to him about menstruation.
The three of them ate, Abe complimenting Janine on the breakfast.
"I'm not used to a cooked breakfast on a weekday. Just think – we'll be able to enjoy this sort of thing every day if we buy an RV and go on the road!" Abe encouraged. Janine looked like she wanted to beat him over the head with the waffle pan.
Once he'd left for work, Janine rang the doctor's surgery, getting their advice about the situation before making an appointment for Rose just after lunch.
"They said just take it easy for the morning. Don't use tampons, only pads, and we're to call them if you get severe cramping, fill a pad in under an hour or if your temperature goes up. I thought we could hang out and watch a movie together?" Janine suggested, a little reticent to let her daughter out of her sight.
"I'd better text Lissa to let her know I won't be at school today," Rose muttered heading upstairs to get her phone, quilt, and pillows. Once she was ensconced on one of the sofas, she texted Liss.
Got some stuff to do at home with Mom today. You at school? – R
Yeah. Christian taking day off. They're doing a two-day wake at his place – L
Can you let D know I'm doing stuff with Mom at home today? – R
Sure thing - L
"I suppose I should cancel the trip," Janine said. "Any ideas how I could explain it to your father?"
"Maybe wait to hear what the doctor says?" Rose suggested. "If it is a miscarriage I don't think anything can be done."
"I don't feel comfortable leaving you home alone with this going on," Janine said firmly. "You need someone here in case something happens."
"Maybe Dimitri could come over?" Rose suggested not meeting her mother's eye. "It's not like we'd be doing anything," she said meaningfully. "If I have lost the baby, it changes everything. He and I will need to talk."
Dr. Olendzki spoke with Rose and ordered blood, but the upshot was as Janine and Rose had anticipated – it looked as though she'd had a spontaneous and most likely complete miscarriage. The doctor gave them a lot of information about rare but possible complications, when to go to the hospital and other directions, but given the early gestation, and Rose's overall good health, she assured them both the most likely outcome was her body would take care of things naturally.
"I'll schedule an appointment for Saturday week to take more blood to check your pregnancy hormone has gone down. Between now and then you need to avoid using tampons or having sexual intercourse. Are you still sexually active?"
Rose blushed. "Um, not since I got pregnant. That was the only time."
"But you might be again?" the doctor prompted gently.
"Maybe?"
"Then we should talk about contraception," Dr. Olendzki announced.
Rose was too scared to look at her mother. Both her parents believed life occurred at the moment of conception, and as such, the contraceptive pill or implant were potentially abortifacients. As far as they were concerned, using them constituted a mortal sin. But having fallen pregnant using a barrier method, Rose was reluctant to rely on that again. And frankly, she wasn't too keen on discussing any of this in front of her Mom!
Picking up on this, Janine stood up. "Darling, I'm going to step outside while you discuss this with Dr. Olendzki. This is a private health decision for you to make in the context of your life and your beliefs. If you decide to go on the pill or have a contraceptive implant, our health insurance will cover the cost. You're old enough to make this decision without my input."
"Thanks, Mom," Rose mumbled as her mother stepped outside. Rose was honestly flummoxed – that certainly wasn't the reaction she'd anticipated; but then her mother had surprised her a lot of the last fortnight by being more pragmatic about a whole range of things than she'd expected her to be.
Going through the pros and cons of various birth control options, Rose finally accepted the doctor's recommendation of the pill and received a script, still not entirely sure whether she'd get it filled. It was one more thing to think about, and not a decision that needed to be made right here right now.
"How are you feeling?" Janine asked when Rose came out of the consulting room.
"Confused," Rose admitted, feeling a little teary. "Numb. I want to talk with Dimitri. Could we go to his place after this?"
"Of course wee one. He won't be finished at school, yet. How about we go for coffee and cake and then we'll go to his house?"
Rose followed her mother to their usual patisserie. She was just starting to get used to the idea of being pregnant, and now, suddenly, she wasn't. Ever since she'd had the first positive test, Rose's thoughts had centered around logistics; who to tell, how they'd manage, where to birth, how to afford all this. It was only now when their little miracle was gone that Rose realized not once had she given the baby itself much thought.
She hadn't given any thoughts to names, or what it might look like. Even much thought about whether it might be a boy or a girl. She'd spent the entire time thinking about how the baby would impact on her life, rather than the baby as an entity of its own that deserved to be loved and celebrated.
"I know the baby wasn't planned, but it's ok to feel sad," Janine said quietly as she sipped her cappuccino.
"Thanks, Mom," Rose said, grasping her mother's hand. Looking up quickly she asked, "What's the date today?!"
Checking her phone, Janine answered, prompting a colorful word from Rose.
"We have to get over to Dimitri's!" she hissed. "The scholarship exam is tomorrow. With the baby and everything, he wasn't going to bother sitting it. I have to let him know he has to attend!"
Guzzling her hot chocolate, that wasn't as good as the ones Dimitri made her and finishing the last of her chocolate éclair, Rose waited impatiently while her mother finished her coffee and cake. Jumping out of her chair the moment Janine was done, Rose ordered an Uber, and in a few minutes, she and Janine were on their way to Dimitri's side of town.
Climbing the now familiar stairs to his apartment, Rose wondered whether Dimitri would even be here yet. School had finished forty-five minutes ago, but he might not have come straight home. Still – the only way to know was to knock.
Sonya answered, looking at Janine and Rose with interest. While no one had officially told her, she'd overheard enough of the whispered conversations around the house to determine Rose must be knocked up, and the baby was Dimitri's.
"Hey, Sonya – is Dimitri home?" Rose asked in a faltering voice.
"Sure," Sonya said looking at her brother's girlfriend with concern. Rose looked like it was taking everything she had not to cry. "Dimka! Roza's here!" she bellowed in the direction of his bedroom. "Come on in," she added, turning back to Janine and Rose.
The two stepped inside, shedding their shoes. Rose hadn't even had a chance to put on her house slippers when Dimitri came from the direction of his bedroom, finishing off a sandwich. One look and Rose flew to him, burying herself in his arms and bursting into tears. Holding her tightly to him, Dimitri rocked his girlfriend soothingly, shooting a questioning look over her shoulder to her mother standing awkwardly in the entryway.
Janine shook her head sadly as Karoline came out of the kitchen, taking in the scene before her.
"I lost the baby," Rose wailed against Dimitri's chest. "I woke up this morning, and it had started overnight. Mom took me to the doctor, but she said there's no hope. I've miscarried, and the baby is gone."
Dimitri shut his eyes and cuddled her against him, whispering soothing words into Rose's hair.
Sonya gave him a look. "Well I guess your prayers have been answered," she said to Dimitri glibly.
Dimitri's eyes shot open, and he glared at his sister, hissing angrily. "Why don't you shut up, Sonya? You don't know what you're talking about! Just because our baby wasn't planned doesn't mean it wasn't loved! Given the circumstances, there's bound to be mixed emotions about this, but remember – Roza is the woman I love, and we've just lost our baby. I don't appreciate those sorts of comments!"
Turning his body away from his sister, and leaving her to the ministrations of Karolina who was pulling her into the kitchen with the clear intention of giving her another dressing down, Dimitri whispered to Rose, "What can I do, milaya?"
"You need to sit the scholarship exam tomorrow, Comrade. I know you've lost a couple of weeks study, but you need to sit it. There's no reason not to now. Promise me?"
"I promise," Dimitri said solemnly. In all the confusion surrounding Roza's pregnancy, he'd never got around to canceling, so he could still turn up. He didn't fancy his chances, now, but Rose was right – there was no reason not to at least give it a go.
"Mom and Tata are going away for the weekend first thing tomorrow. I'll ask Lissa to come over to sit with me in the morning, but do you think you could come over after your exam and stay the night? The doctor says I should have someone with me for the next few days just in case, and I'd like to have you near me."
Dimitri looked to Janine who nodded solemnly. "It might give the two of you a chance to talk?" she suggested.
"Then you'll come?" Rose asked, failing to conceal the hope in her voice. Although she'd needed him before, she needed him every bit as much now.
"Of course I will, milaya," he crooned still cuddling her against him. "Nothing will stop me," he promised.
They didn't stay long at Dimitri's after the arrangements were made for tomorrow. He was keen to get in some last minute study before the exam, and Rose wanted to retreat to her bedroom with a hot water bottle and a box of tissues.
Once they were home, and Janine had settled Rose into her room, the latter pulled out her phone texting Lissa.
Where are you? Need to talk – R
At Christian's but I can go upstairs. You ok? – L
No. Call me when you can – R
Minutes later her phone buzzed.
"What's wrong? Why weren't you at school today?"
Rose was already sniffling.
"I miscarried, Liss. Last night. Mom took me to see the doctor today, but there's nothing to be done. The baby is gone."
"How are you feeling?" Lissa asked cautiously.
"Disappointed. Relieved. Guilty... What if God knows I didn't want the baby and took it away? Maybe I'm being punished for not loving it enough?" Rose said, finally voicing her fears. "I'm sad the baby is gone, but I feel so relieved, too. I'm a horrible person!" she wailed.
"You're not a horrible person," Lissa said, "And I don't believe God is punishing you for being human! It's ok to feel relieved, Rose. You were prepared to do the right thing, but that's not how it worked out. You don't have to feel guilty."
Rose listened but shook her head. She heard what Lissa was saying, but it didn't mean she believed it.
"Mom and Tata are still going away this weekend. It's not worth raising his suspicion by canceling. Dimitri is going to come and stay the night after his scholarship exam tomorrow, but can you come over tomorrow morning? Mom's worried about leaving me alone."
"Sure thing. What time do you need me there?"
"Early? 7ish? Mom would probably feel happier seeing you before they leave."
"You're lucky I love you, Rose. You're the only person I'd get out of bed early on a Saturday for," she mock teased. "I'll be at yours at seven. And Rose? I'm really sorry about the baby."