Songs for this chapter:
She - Ed Sheeran
Light me up - Birdy
Run - P!nk
Thank you so much for reading! sorry if my updates are slow, but i'm writing only because it's a hobby and an escape from everything really, so i don't have a schedule or something. Please respec this.
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Everything was a blur, I hadn’t slept well in weeks, months maybe and I had to force myself to stay focussed. The conversations I was having, I couldn’t remember the minute after, the questions people were asking me, I couldn’t remember either. My head was so full of everything, of all the rules we had to keep, that I couldn’t seem to live anymore. I was only staying alive and being an actual human, because I wanted to explore more, get to know Theo and his world more. He was a big reason I was still waking up, doing the exact same routine every day, and falling asleep eventually with thoughts in my head that shouldn’t even be in a seventeen years old head.
The biggest problem was sleeping, I wanted to sleep so badly. But I also found it a waste. I had stayed up so many nights, thinking about this cruel world and how it came to this, I stayed up running away and into the woods, talking to Theo. I had stayed up, avoiding the dreams and avoiding waking up in the morning with a headache and another day ahead with meaningless conversations and things to do I didn’t even want to think about doing.
Most of the times I stayed in bed till really late in the morning, having my mum or dad calling me to come out already. But even then, I stayed. I stayed until I really had to go out, because I was hungry or my younger sister started crying which I really couldn’t handle. She had this sad cry, you just had to comfort her. There was no way out.
But this day was different, I had stayed at Theo’s cottage, which he shared with his two best friends Ansel and Shailene. I kind of felt bad for Shai, because she had to share a house with two men who were rather messy. But she said she didn’t mind, so I didn’t either.
It was late at night and most of the late nights I spent with the three friends, we talked, sat around the fire and listened to the calming sounds the wood brought with it. But as I said, this day was different. I had been here all day, no hiding after nine for someone who was going to catch me and set me behind bars, I didn’t need to hide from anyone because I was safe.
And we didn’t talk, that was something odd too about this day, we just sat there. Everything we wanted to say was said and everything we didn’t want to say, was kept to ourselves. We were sitting, peacefully, watching each other move, catching each other’s eye. It was quiet, not uncomfortable, we were just sitting in silence.
Although I knew I was safe, I was scared. Scared because I was breaking the rule that no one could keep me from, it were my feelings. I couldn’t control it, like I had controlled every rule I broke in the past years. It were my feelings, only mine. Something nobody could take away from me, nobody could change it. And I was scared, because I started to care for someone and I had never cared like that for someone before. It scared me. It made me vulnerable, like the others.
But what scared me the most was, what if he didn’t care for me like I cared for him?
That same boy brought me back to reality from my thoughts as he whispered in my ear, “Are you okay?” Theo asked, his hot breath tickling my ear.
“Yeah, I’m fine just thinking” I said and gave him a weak smile, it wasn’t convincing but he knew I tried my best and he appreciated it. He smiled back at me and took my small, cold hand in his warm one. It was comforting, having someone to take your hand when he or she knows you needed to. No one had done that before, taking my hand in public. Even though we were protected by the trees and wild animals that seemed to allow us living in their home. “Maybe I should go home, I don’t want to take over your bed again, I must be a burden” I said and nervously laughed. I didn’t want to go home at all, I was just being polite.
“no you can’t go home now and I love the smell you leave in the bed after you leave, it smells like apples and mint” Theo said thoughtful, pointing his nose to heaven, closing his eyes, like he could smell the scent I left.
“well, if you say it like that it sounds sort of creepy but okay, I’ll stay and leave some more of my apple scent” I said joking.
“let’s get you to sleep then and remember to wake me up whenever you can’t fall asleep okay?” He said and I nodded. I had woken him up way to many times, but he didn’t seem to grow tired of me. I was glad he didn’t.
We walked inside after saying goodnight to his friends and he brought me into his room. He cleaned it up already, doing so every time I came around.
“can you please just lay with me here?” I asked Theo as I laid on the bed, burying my head in the pillow.
“sure” He laid down beside me, one arm under his head the other on his stomach. We were quiet for a few short minutes before I began to speak.
“I feel like all the energy that I wake up with, gets sucked out of my right away, you know? I have no source of energy left in this world, nothing can give me it anymore. It’s not only this war that is going on, on the streets and in this city, there’s also a war going on in my head” I didn’t really know what I spoke up or why I even said something like that out loud, but it felt good. It was the truth, the cold hard truth.
I was always tired, even though I slept throughout the whole night without waking up, it didn’t gave me energy.
“do you have a talent? Or something that you do when you feel like you’re going to explode?” Theo asked me and turned his head to my side.
“I don’t really think I have a talent, I like to be by myself in the woods. No gunshots, no voices, no one who can make me feel like shit or put me down, you know? It’s safe, on my own”
“but sometimes, a person can give you energy and beam you up. Before my parents died, I didn’t have a source of energy, just like you. But when they died, I was on my own all of the sudden I became independent, that’s when I met Shai and Ansel, they give me energy. They don’t judge or tell me what do to, but they’ll have my back no matter what, it’s great to know that” Theo said and as his words rang through me, his hand touched my hand, a tinkling sensation rang through my arm. I was shocked and pulled my hand away from under his touch.
“what’s wrong?” Theo asked as he sat up.
“why did you do that?” I said back as I sat up as well.
“what? Touch you? Seriously? People touch each other all the time, it was only friendly” Theo said as he stood up.
“yeah well, that doesn’t mean you can touch me.” I stood up as well and began to walk out of the door, but a warm, strong hand stopped me. “don’t touch me!” I pushed Theo backwards with all the force I had and he bumped into a small table with his back.
“what did you do that for?” he sounded angry, but he just had to understand that no one had ever touched me like that. The only time someone had taken my hand, it was Theo as well, but we were walking and it wasn’t a sweet gesture back then.
“leave me alone, I mean it”
“fine!”
Our first fight. The first fight I had with a friend, and I didn’t like it. When I was younger I wanted to fight with someone just to feel something and to have something going on. But when I finally had a fight, I felt heartbroken. I didn’t want to fight with Theo, he had been so sweet to me. he let me stay in his house, he let me eat his stolen food, he took care of me when I had a nightmare.
And I didn’t even know why I made such a big deal out of one hand touch, he had held me in his arms after he found me in the woods. I guess I was just tired and every single thing freaked me out.
I wanted to run back to Theo’s cottage and hug him, maybe even kiss him. But that thought made me so scared. Everything made me scared. I was so angry, I was boiling inside. I just wanted to rip my hair out and break something.
I was so afraid of what I might do, that I tripped and fell on the ground. Dirt was covering my body and clothes, and my arms and hands were full of scratches. And for the first time in years, I really cried. I cried my eyes out, I was scared, insecure and I wasn’t thinking clearly. Everyone could hear me and come to me, Theo, Ansel or Shai could hear me, but the soldiers from the enemy could too. But I didn’t care, at that point I wanted to go away to a place no one knew of, sometimes I wondered if that place was called heaven.
After about thirty of crying and cursing at this cruel, destroyed world, I finally stood up and dried my eyes. I walked through the forest on my way to my house, when I heard footsteps behind me. I immediately got scared my heart started to race madly. Living in a time like this was more like a burden, it was more like you’re in prison, but murder wasn’t the way I wanted to die. I wanted to die at all, I just wanted to feel good again and have someone who could care for me or someone I could care for. Really care for.
As the footsteps became more frequent and louder, I finally snapped out of my thoughts, and decided to run away. I ran and ran and as my boots touched the leaves my anxiety grew.
It was already dark outside, pitch black, I couldn’t see a thing. I also couldn’t see a tree popping up in front of me.
I hit my head hard and fell onto the ground once again. My head was hurting and I felt myself getting light weighted, but the footsteps still came into my way, they didn’t stop until they were beside me.
“please don’t kill me! I promise I won’t ever break the rules again, please!” I cried out.
“oh my god, I’m so sorry! It weren’t my intentions to scare you” A soft girl voice said, and I know almost immediately that it was Shailene. “I just overheard your conversation with Theo and I was scared you’d might get lost out here because you ran out so suddenly” She said and helped me getting up.
“thank you, really Shai, I have no idea where the hell I am and it also late at night, I’d probably get robbed or something” I tried to smile, but the fight with Theo and the tantrum I had was still fresh in my system, it was hard to be really grateful or happy.
“you know, I was just like you when I first met Theo and Ansel, a few years ago. I was broken, all by myself, no one looked out for me. I was scared of everything, but the guys they showed me how to love again, not in a romantic way but in a friendly way. I know it’s hard to let someone new in, to trust someone new in this world. I know it is, but sometimes you just got to trust your own heart, it’s really hard in the beginning, but it’s worth it, trust me” With the last two words that she spoke, she made me laugh.
It definitely was hard to trust someone to be close to you in a time like this, but also the demons inside of my head were holding me against it.
“okay, let’s go home” she said as we walked back towards their home again. ‘let’s go home’ it wasn’t my home, although I wanted it to be.
When we came back, Theo was waiting outside for us. His head buried in his hands. When he heard us coming, his head shot up, relieve flashed through his eyes.
“god, Amber, I was so worried!” Theo exclaimed and embraced me into his arms. I tensed at first, “fuck, sorry!” He ran his hands through his hair and paced back and forth after I didn’t say anything. Shailene walked into the house and left us alone.
“it’s okay..” I said doubting, “you can hug me if you want I guess, I was just overwhelmed with the feeling, I guess”
“feeling?” Theo asked, confused and he walked over to me, looking into my eyes.
“yes, the feeling of someone caring or something. I just had this tingling feeling running through my hand, it was weird” I laughed nervously, I didn’t really know what to say, I shivered.
“you cold?” Theo said and he gave my his hoodie, not even waiting for my answer. I took it, unsure, and put it on. “so, what if I did this, would you feel that feeling again?” Theo placed his hand on my cheek and his other on my waist. I was nervous and I didn’t know what to do. I began to breath heavily and my heartbeat was uneven.
“stop” no don’t stop, please don’t stop. This was all I wanted, I felt alive, real. All I wanted was someone to care.
“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again” and with that the new sensation was gone, the warm hand was replaced with the cold air surrounding me.
“no don’t stop” I was paralysed. There was nothing left of me or this world, all I wanted was to feel Theo’s warmth and energy, that was all that was left from where we were standing.
“come here” and once again he placed his arms around me, this time it lasted longer, and it felt truly and honestly perfect.
“I trust you” it was maybe a little too soon to say that I trusted Theo, but at that moment I finally realized that he was my source for energy, he gave me energy.
“I trust you” he said back and stroke my hair. After we stood there for more minutes we decided that it was late enough and we both went to sleep.
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