Chapter Thirty-Six
Temperance stared at herself in the mirror of her bedroom. When she looked upon herself like this there were no physical signs of the abuse she had suffered other than a small scar just above her lip. Temperance's bruises had long since healed and gone away--only when she wore no clothes could true physical evidence be seen in the tangle of scars that marred her back.
The physical healing had been the easy part. How did one heal their spirit?
Temperance thought about the events of that morning and realized that Tanner had been right--she had been running scared. She'd been scared of being happy. Scared of feeling that hope that seeing Tanner's face made her feel. She was terrified to love him.
But he had been right about something else.
She had to let it end.
The fear, the pain, the constant fight to remain distant from everyone was slowly killing her. It was eating her alive and Temperance had to learn how to let go. She had to figure out how to heal. But how did one go about doing that?
How did you conquer a fear of the unexpected when the unexpected could happen at any time. Tanner claimed he would never leave--never be gone again--but he couldn't truly promise that.
Tomorrow he could get arrested.
He could get killed.
Or he could develop a cough and a fever and die in her arms.
Temperance shivered.
It had been a long time since she'd let herself think about her family and what had happened to them. Something like that could happen any day--any time. She could lose Tanner, Wilma, Felix.... Jackson.
Suddenly Temperance couldn't seem to breathe... the air had been sucked from the room and no more remained to fill her lungs. She gulped and panted and clutched at her chest. She needed air!
"Child!" Wilma's voice was full of alarm as it filled the room. Temperance met her gaze and Wilma crouched in front of the chair. "Breathe, Temperance. In and out."
Slowly Temperance mimicked the pattern of breathing that Wilma showed her and she felt her heart slowing down. Temperance swallowed hard.
"Are ya okay now?" Wilma inquired.
"Yes," Temperance whispered.
Wilma stood straight and adjusted her apron. "What brought that about?"
"I'm okay now,' Temperance replied, not wanting to voice her fears aloud.
Wilma shook her head. "I want to know what brought that upon ya, Temperance. Now, darlin', we used to be friends..."
"We're still friends," Temperance quietly interjected.
Wilma's brown eyes widened. "Are we?"
"Yes," Temperance insisted. She swallowed hard and met Wilma's gaze. "I'm sorry I hurt you.. It was easier to simply turn off then to face my fears."
Wilma nodded and crouched down once again. She took Temperance's hands gently in her own and Temperance's lip began to tremble. "What fear was it that ya are afraid of facin'?" Wilma asked gently.
"The unexpected," Temperance replied, though it took every ounce of courage she had left to say those words out loud.
"The unexpected?" Wilma frowned. "What do ya mean, child?"
Temperance's gaze went upward as she breathed out slowly and fought back tears. Her hands trembled in Wilma's gentle grasp but the woman didn't let her go. "Bad things in life happen unexpectedly, Wilma. Terrible things. My life has been turned upside down so many times by things that I could have never seen coming...."
Wilma smiled gently. "Ya can't live your life fearin' the unexpected, child. None of us know exactly what's comin' our way each day we step out of our beds. But the unexpected ain't always bad."
"It is," Temperance insisted.
Wilma shook her head. "Did ya expect to have yourself fall so deep in love with that boy that's blessed to have ya as a mama? Did ya expect to have Tanner show up five years ago and end the daily abuse we was all livin' through? Did ya expect him to show up just yesterday? Did ya expect to find folks that love and care about ya here when ya first arrived? I could keep goin' but I think ya have the idea..."
Temperance didn't respond.
Wilma sighed. "I brought ya your lunch, child," she informed her as she released her hold on Temperance's hands and stood up. "Though I'll warn ya that Tanner said if ya do not join him and Jackson for dinner he would come up here and carry ya down himself."
"I'll come out before then," Temperance promised.
Temperance found herself alone moments later. It surprised Temperance that Wilma had stayed and attempted conversation with her after the years of veritable silence between them. Wilma had given up on the conversation quickly but Temperance couldn't blame the woman. The walls around herself were her own doing and it seemed everyone had simply gotten tired of trying to climb them or break them down.
Everyone except Tanner.
Just the thought of his name seemed to warm her tired soul.
Temperance worked hard to keep her thoughts on more positive things as she ate her lunch. She thought of what Wilma had said and realized the woman had made a valid point. Good things could happen unexpectedly as well--but that didn't take away Temperance's fear of the bad.
Shaking her head, she thought of her horses--which she had truly developed a passion for. Tanner had been right--she had not wanted to leave here. This plantation, while it had started out as a hellish prison, had now become her home and it was the place that she wanted to raise her son.
Tanner's son.
While a part of Temperance would always whisper the truth of Jackson's conception another part--a larger part--couldn't help but feel that this was how it should have been.
If only there had been no Robert, no sickness, no Yancy, no Trevor... if only she could have met Tanner in another time, another place, and they could have properly courted, fallen in love, had a true family without all the hurt and all the pain.
Could they still have that life?
Temperance had no idea.
But what she did know was that he was right. She couldn't keep holding on to her past. And she also knew that she needed him and his support if she was going to have any kind of a future that included her finding true peace with who she was and the events that had shaped her.
A short time later, Temperance stepped out into the afternoon sunlight and for the first time in a very long time she took a moment to simply enjoy the way the warmth of the sun felt against her face.
She heard laughter and her eyes followed the sound to see her son, Felix, Tanner and two other men who worked the ranch--one a former slave and one a white man that they'd hired on after a worker left to start a family somewhere else.
Jackson was on his pony, Storm, and Tanner was leading the horse around by the bridle. They were both smiling, laughing and seemed made to be right there together. Temperance watched the scene and simply soaked in the reality that one of the dreams she had dared allow herself to dream was finally a truth.
Her son had a father. Her son had Tanner.
She had Tanner.