Some say it's painful to wait for someone.
Some say it's painful to forget someone.
But the worst pain comes when you don't know
whether to wait or forget.
***
Most mornings Jay woke up clinging to a pillow. Within his sleep he had somehow mistaken it to be her.
He went through his routines.
Pack members greeted him, their eyes softly saying they were supporting him.
Jay had been startled at their love and devotion they shared to him.
They came to him, one by one after the first months since she left. Pledging themselves to him. Most hated her. He regretted that. Regretted that their ill feelings clouded over the good she had done for the pack.
None hated her more than Grace. The wolf's life she had saved.
Jay knew that each day Grace's hate lessened, but in the beginning, Jay had to avoid her so he wouldn't listen to her angry growls, eyes that shifted and questions of what he was doing to get her back.
Nothing.
He was doing nothing.
Because he had done nothing in the first place to stop her.
The pack now fell in a line behind him, looking to their Alpha with new wonder and awe as they watched his slow battle with his own mind. His fight against his darkness.
The only thing that reminded him that it had been real, and that the monster inside him would not surface again, were the two marks upon his shoulder.
Her marks.
He touched them now, as a habit when he was thinking, wondering if she would feel him touching her bite. If he was sending shivers down her.
If she was even thinking of him.
He went back to the place of their first date. Back to the place of their first kiss.
He watched the calmness of the water as he settled in. He thought of all their moments together. All their whispered conversations.
He could only close his eyes and remember it all.
Be transported back to another time and place.
Food still didn't have taste.
No one commented on his rapid loss of weight. No one forced him to eat. Jackie was the only one he would accept food from. He ate the same meal of thin broth and crackers. The only thing really, that he was able to keep down.
He wondered if she was having difficulty eating. If she was having difficulty sleeping.
He knew one day, as he searched in his closet for one of his shirts, that Daisy did think of him.
It was her favorite shirt that he owned. She always complimented him when he wore it. Dark blue. He never understood why she loved it so much.
It was missing though.
He deluded himself into thinking that she had taken it, that she had stolen one of his shirts so that she could keep his scent.
He noted though that she had taken something.
The ring.
The ring that he was going to give her.
He had not registered it as she left him, but when he thought back to the moment, he now could see clearly that she was wearing it.
It was a simple ring that had a daisy flower on top of it.
It was going to be her engagement. His proposal to her- his effort to make her stay or in same way, bind her even more to him.
She had taken it.
He didn't know if he should feel happy or sad about this thought.
Sad that she had known that he carried it within his pocket and was planning to propose, or happy that she had known and taken it.
Either way it didn't matter now.
She was gone.
Jay went about life with his routine.
Get up, get dressed, eat, take care of pack duties, don't think of her, breath, one second at a time, breath, don't cry, don't think of her, eat dinner, shower, get dressed, go to bed. Wake up and repeat.
Over and over the days turned into months as the winter came, the coldness blocking into his heart, until the freshness of spring came, melting away the small snow that was able to fall and chasing away the chill that hung within the air.
He didn't sit on the porch anymore.
He couldn't.
Not without her in his lap, snuggled against him.
He also avoided the clinic.
Doctor Schulman understood and brought his weekly reports straight to his office.
That was Jay's life. That was his routine.
No longer could he see color or hear music or taste the sun, or feel the joy as he ran through the forest.
He didn't run much anyway anymore. His wolf became so depressed, hiding away deep within his mind.
Jay had to force him out, and when he did, he always seemed to be begging Jay to let him back in. Let him back into his silent black misery.
Her scent was soon gone.
Gone from the pack house, gone from the roads, gone from his bed.
Jay sat at the table, holding a hot mug of tea that Jackie had forced onto him as he watched the setting sun. His phone rang.
He thought about ignoring it, but then a frantic thought within his mind wondered if it could be Daisy.
"Alpha Jay," he answered, breathless with anticipation.
"Alpha," the voice ignored the gasp of pain that shot through his Alpha. He knew he had been hoping, desperately, for someone else.
"There is someone at the boarder requesting to see you, it's a woman."
Jay stood up to fast, spilling the hot liquids of the tea over his hand. He didn't feel the pain though as he frantically yelled into the phone, "Is it-,"
"It's not her," the phone cut off, strained at having to break his Alpha's heart again with false hope.
Jay sat back down, his shoulders slumping over.
"Who is it then," he asked in a flat voice.
"This woman....says she has traveled from South America to see you. She keeps saying she needs to see you. That wanderer sent her."
Jay's heart throbbed as he recognized the name, "send her through," he breathed.
"Alpha you should also know-,"
Jay cut him off before he could finish, "I don't care, send her through."
There was a pause in the phone before the voice sighed and said, "Okay."
The conversation ended as the man on the other end hung up.
Jay got up and paced the floor.
Jackie emerged from the kitchen and saw Jay's hand.
"Oh my!" she led Jay forward as she poured cold water from the sink over it.
Jay twitched in anticipation of the coming woman. He heard the sound of a car traveling down the road, but Jackie held onto him as she applied a thin lotion to his burn.
"Hold still Jay. Honestly what's gotten into you," she paused as she heard the sound of an approaching car.
"Someone is coming," Jay whispered eagerly, "Someone from South America who says they have been sent by Wanderer."
Jackie's eyes widened as they heard the car stop in front of the pack house.
"Jay are you sure this is a good idea?" Jackie whispered.
Jay ignored her and pulled his hand out of hers.
Both of their heads snapped up at the sound of someone knocking.
"It's her." Jay said, his voice laced with wonder and frantic wildness.
"Jay look at me," Jackie's stern voice did nothing to command him. Jay was already walking towards the door.
Jackie raced in front of him, trying to stop Jay from opening it. Jay pushed her aside, causing Jackie to stumble a few feet away.
"No, Jay!" But it was too late.
Jay opened the door his eyes wide as he took in the dark skinned woman who held something out to him.
"Wanderer sent me. She says this belongs to you both. A blessing from the moon."
Jackie watched in horror as she saw Jay fall to his knees.
Until next time my loves!
Thank you for all the amazing love and support
(mwhahahah I love the suspense)
Loves,
/////WORLD_JOY_/////