CHAPTER FORTY
" she didn't realize she was actually drowning while she was trying to save everyone else. she didn't think she deserved to put her wants
first "
My eyes flutter open heavily, finding the red darkness all too consuming. My eyelids feel like heavy weights on my eyes, that crack open to blinding light.
It takes time for them to adjust to my surroundings, my whole body feeling trapped against the floor. I can't move, because if I try, the pain consumes me once again. It felt like something was lying overtop me, locking me to the floor. My right arm is in a sling against my body made out of tarps, probably put together by everyones favorite blondie.
The outline of a figure finally blurs into a recognizable face, the shaggy dark hair and worried gaze something familiar to me. It takes him a moment to realize that I've woken up.
I shiver, moving my fingers to wrap around the fabric surrounding me. I turn my neck slightly, confused by it. My jacket surely didn't survive that, did it? Then, when I inhale against my chest's sharp pains of protest, I know. I pull the jacket around me tighter, the smell of Bellamy encompassing me. I bury myself in it slightly, knowing he was okay. I push away the thought of wanting him here, knowing he's probably to mad at me for lying to see me. I get it. Finn and Raven were all I needed.
"IQ?" Finn asks softly, startling me out of my thoughts. I open my eyes as wide as I can, yet one seems swollen so that I can't open it fully.
"Is Raven okay?" My voice sounds unlike it, foreign to me in the way it's light and raspy. I find it a struggle to get a good breath of air, but disregard it as an outcome of the blast.
I can hear Finn's laugh, like music to my ears— I almost thought I'd never hear it again.
"You died, and yet you don't care about yourself," Finn scoffs, taken aback by my reaction. All I remember is waking up with Clarke, Jasper, Bellamy, Octavia and Finn surrounding me. I never thought I had died, I just thought I was unconscious.
"Finn," My eyes darken with concern, wanting to know if my best friend survived the sickness. If she didn't, I don't think I'll ever be okay again. Raven saved my life, and I won't ever be able to repay her for that.
I see Finn sigh, letting go of my hand before slumping forward beside me. "She's sleeping. I couldn't- I couldn't tell her. She'd be furious," Finn mumbles, unable to look me in the eye.
"You said you were right behind me," Finn comments, his eyes darkening.
"Well I'm here now," I answer, not wanting to argue with him. I was too tired to do any of that.
I squint in his direction from the floor, finally noticing the necklace dangling from his hands. Raven's necklace that she got for her birthday, the one where Finn came to me for birthday ideas. The birthday where he got arrested, Raven loosing too many people in the span of a month.
"Cupcake– Are you okay?" I ask, my voice laced with concern. I knew this would happen eventually, Raven wouldn't settle for being loved half heartedly. She was too strong to do that to herself.
Finn rolls his eyes at me. "My best friend just died, and I got dumped." I glare at him from my position, broken, but still able to shoot a deadly stare.
Finn blinks rapidly, rubbing his temples. With a sigh, he chooses to lie down on his back next to me, the two of us looking up at the ceiling of the dropship.
"We'll always be family," Finn whispers, wrapping an arm around me so I can lay on his shoulder comfortingly. This reminded me of our days on the Ark, when Raven, Finn and I would roam about the Ark, just exploring all that we could of our crowded home.
"That's never going to change," I smile slightly, my mind painting pictures of when we were happy.
We lie there in silence while I marvel at the fact that I'm still alive. I should've been floated years ago, yet somehow, I escaped. I've been shot and stabbed and everything in between, and I'm still here. I died, and came back, yet I have another chance. There must be a reason for that, like I wasn't done here. I had things to do, people to save.
I felt like I was stuck in this circle, unknowing of what I was supposed to do.
Suddenly, I wretch, coughing. The metallic taste fills my mouth, reminding me I'm still not home free yet. I got the sickness, just like I knew I would. That's the whole reason I'm lying here barely able to move.
Finn realizes this, sitting up to to turn me on my good side, the one without a broken arm. Sweat beads on my forehead despite me feeling freezing, the hair sticking to my face.
Blood splatters across the floor, my stomach churning with the feeling. The dark substance feels sticky on my cheek, the tears flowing down. Finn's hand rests on my back, steadying me. I relied on it to keep me upright, suddenly feeling like I can't breathe. Now, I know it's because I'm choking on my own blood. I cringe, knowing I have to cough through the horrible pain in my chest.
So I do, until I can breathe again.
I slump against the floor, feeling exhausted. Finn rubs my back soothingly, mumbling something about water. I nod, only wanting to sleep.
Two figures appear in front of my face, both brunette. I smile, recognizing them immediately.
"Sorry I'm kind of heavy to carry, goggles," I mumble, reaching out a shaky hand to take the water from him.
Jasper shrugs, trying to joke. "I needed the exercise," His expression darkens, pain filling his eyes. "I'm just glad your okay," He mutters, eyes glued to the floor.
"Don't feel guilty, Jazz. I made the choice," I tell him sternly, guessing he blamed himself for what happened to me. I would've done it whatever outcome happened. I valued these campers lives more than my own, and that would never change.
"How are you feeling?" Octavia asks, kneeling down next to Finn and I as Jasper leaves, not wanting to catch the virus. I grimace. Octavia takes a clean cloth, wiping at my face to get all the blood and grime off.
"Honestly?" I ask, my mind turning black from the memory of the pain. "Like hell. But I'll make it," My voice comes out as a whisper no matter how hard I try, as I attempt to ignore how I seemed to be getting less and less air.
"You scared the hell out of everyone. The whole camps been quiet. Clarke's making up medical stuff to keep herself busy. Bell disappeared. Finn hasn't left you," Octavia smiles sadly at Finn over my shoulder, and a blush tints my cheek.
I grit my teeth that chatter from my shivering, and Finn pulls the jacket tighter around my body. My eyes ask the question that's been gnawing at me, Octavia immediately knowing I was referring to before I left camp.
"He could barely look at you," O mumbles, not wanting to look me in the eye. I smile against everything, covering up how my chest tightened.
"That's what liars get, huh?" The smile falls before I lie back down, closing my eyes to block everything out.
I hear the shuffling of feet, and then Finn's even breaths as he lies back down next to me.
"Avalon?"
"Huh?"
"Promise me next time something like this happens, you'll be selfish, just once?"
Only silence follows. You can't make promises you might not be able to keep.
//\\
" Wow, surprised you're here."
"Go take a break, you haven't been outside in days. I won't leave her."
"You sure about that? Didn't seem like it the last few days. I thought you cared."
"I was mad at her for being selfless, because I'm a selfish person. But I won't leave her again. Is that what you want to hear?"
"I'm counting on that, Blake."
//\\
A yawn escapes my lips, my limbs stretching out slowly. I don't know how many days have passed, maybe three? I still feel like death, pain hitting my chest every time I breathe, making it hard to. I'm starting to think telling Clarke would be a good thing. She had even said herself it was a miracle I only escaped with burns, a bruised lung, surface wounds, and a broken arm. I'm beginning to believe there's one thing I should've mentioned.
Routinely, I pull the jacket closer to me in comfort. It was the closest thing I had to having Bellamy here. Right before everything happened, I included him in my thoughts, things I wished I said or did. Knowing Bellamy, he was probably pissed at me, but I'll admit I wish he would just get over it- I missed him. He still hadn't come, and Finn was no where to be found. I guess he needed a break.
Octavia still bustles around, helping the few kids left who have the last of the sickness. Other than that, the dropship was pretty empty. And I felt pretty lonely.
I turn over on my side, wanting to switch positions. This time when I do, I find a figure propped up against the wall. My eyes widen, realizing who it was.
"You lied to me," Is what Bellamy chooses to say, my stomach churning with guilt. I lied to him so he could rest, so he could get better. I didn't want him to worry, because I thought I would be fine. His voice is hoarse, eyes tired and puffy.
I lick my lips, which according to Octavia, had earned a slight blue tint. I told her not to worry, that I felt fine.
"If you want your jacket back, you could've just asked," I mumble, trying to avoid the subject. I had wasted enough talking about death. Mine particularly, and it wasn't a fun thing to remember.
Bellamy's eyes darken, not amused by my comment. "Ava," He says calmly, obviously not wanting to let it go. I sigh, putting my head in my hands as I look up to him.
"I didn't want you to worry," I whisper, my voice raspy as I remember his pleas for me to stay, and the way he clung to me.
Clearly, Bellamy was not happy with that response. He fumbles with the hem of his t-shirt anxiously before responding.
"Clearly I should've been!" Bellamy's voice is rough, sending chills up my spine. I wince, knowing I should've expected this. I just hadn't imagined that he'd ever grown to care. He used to just be the hotheaded boy who called me the annoying nickname. But now, I had grown accustomed to the nickname, and having him around. I guess it changed for him, too.
"I lost you, Avalon, and it was terrifying. I was so mad at you, because all I heard was your voice telling me you'd be right back, and all I saw- still see, is your dead body lying in front of me. " Bellamy mutters, putting his head in his hands. My face falls, fighting back the tears. So that's why he's avoided me for the days.
"I'm not sorry either. I had to save them," I mumble, feeling small. Bellamy had to know that's just not who I am. I will never put myself above my people. I notice the bandages on his knuckles, recalling Octavia telling me something about them. I wince, realizing that was my doing. Me chest rises in pain, but unlike any other time, it doesn't deflate.
My breath catches in my throat, and it's like I'm trapped underwater. I can't suck in the air that's so close to my lips, and I can't cry for help. I'm scared, so scared I survived a bomb only for this to kill me.
My fist bangs against the ground, trying to get Bellamy's attention. My lips form his name, but no sound comes out, and tears blur my vision. My heart is racing in my chest, not knowing how long I can keep this up.
Bellamy's head snaps up from his hands, and he scrambles over to me quickly, putting a hand on me carefully. I shake my head, the tears falling freely now. I can't croak out a sound , and Bellamy soon realizes this, fear evident in his eyes.
"Clarke! Clarke, hurry!" His voice is frantic as I reach a shaky hand up, desperate for something to focus on. My head hurts so bad, the ringing in my ears too loud.
I fall onto my back, and Bellamy holds me there steadily, intertwining his fingers with mine despite everything.
"You're okay. You're okay. Be stubborn for a little longer," He mutters, stroking back the hair on my forehead, eyes latched onto mine. My eyes lids close, fluttering shut. I feel so- so tired. Maybe it would be easier this way.
"Stay with me, Princess. Please, stay with me," Bellamy says it with much more meaning than I originally would think. It breaks me out of my trance, snapping me back to the world. I want to stay, I want to tell him the things I've pushed away. I want to live, and if not for me, for my family.
My eyes roll open, and I hear Bellamy sigh with relief. My vision starts to blur, black spots dancing in front of my eyes.
"Clarke, s- she can't breathe," Bellamy explains, his voice echoing in my head. I see a blonde head hover over me, searching up and down.
"It's probably- probably a blast lung. Or collapsed, I can't be sure. I don't have any supplies-" Clarke's eyes widen, and I feel Bellamy pull my head onto his lap. I have to stay awake. I can't loose myself, not like this. After everything, I'd like to think I deserve one more chance. But maybe, all the horrible things I've done are catching up to me.
I don't know how tightly I'm holding onto him, but I'm sure it must hurt because I'm gripping his hand to keep me awake.
Clarke scrambled into a kit, pulling out a needle. She plunges it into my chest, probably somewhere near my lungs- I wouldn't know, medical stuff was never my expertise. Black dots almost fully cover the world, moving places so I can see only bits and pieces of everything. The needle is there who knows how long, but I can feel the darkness tugging on my vision, threatening to swallow me up.
She then pulls it out, and I can suck in a quick breath of air. She then does some chest compressions, as if she were rebooting it.
The two wait silently, until a moment later when I gasp for air. I feel Bellamy slump, and Clarke puts an exhausted hand to her forehead.
"Avalon, have you felt any tightness in your chest, or had trouble breathing?" She asks, blue eyes filled with concern. I bite my lip, letting my hand fall from Bellamy's. Even if I lied, she could tell by my blue lips.
"Yeah. It slowly got worse and worse. I was going to tell you," I admit, a yawn fluttering past my lips. Bellamy's hand brushes across my cheek, wiping away the few stray tears. My eyes close against it, my skin growing warmer.
Clarke sighs audibly. "You should've sooner. If I wasn't here on time, you'd be dead. For real this time. You have to take care of yourself too, A," Clarke informs me with a sad smile, getting up to leave, squeezing my arm.
I nod, as if telling her I would try to. I'd have to fight past my first instincts, but clearly, they got me no where. I begin to feel drowsy again, but I'm too aware of Bellamy to sleep.
He notices my yawn, carefully setting my head down on the mat. Bellamy shuffles away silently, and I hear him sigh. That was the opposite of what I wanted, and I was too tired right now to argue with myself. All I wanted then was him.
"I'm not going to apologize, not matter how much I want to. I did the right thing, and it's not fair. No one's ever safe down here, and I had to save this camp," I say, my voice quiet as I open my eyes a crack. I watch him contemplate, his head cocked to the side.
"Princess, you're an idiot. I was never mad, I was scared," Bellamy shakes his head, doing a complete three-sixty, as if he gave up on being stubborn like I had.
"Then you should also maybe come over here?" I mumble, saying it more as a question, feeling smaller and smaller. I hear Bellamy shuffle, and a smile plays on my lips.
"Avalon Rayne, wants me to come near her, but not for a punch?" Bellamy asks from beside me, my skin tingling as he lies against me.
"I hate you, Bellamy Blake," I mutter, fighting the grin off my face when he presses his lips against my neck, and I tense, finding it slightly ticklish. "Bellamyyyyy," I whine when he doesn't stop, realizing I was ticklish. He places light, quick kisses going down my neck, knowing how I would react. "Bells, stop!" I laugh, curling up against him to try and stop him. He doesn't listen to my protests, continuing as I jut my lower lip out. I grip his shirt in my hands, trying not to violently squirm.
"Say it without laughing," Bellamy teases, and I go silent, for a moment holding in laughs. And then I don't, slowly getting through the ticklish part. Goosebumps raise on my skin, my pulse racing. He realizes this, and by now it only feels good, Bellamy reacting quickly by pressing slow and lingering ones instead.
"Well now I won't," I murmur, a content sigh floating off my lips. I can feel him smile on my neck, and my breath catches from his touch. I change positions slightly, but then wince after realizing I couldn't lie this way. I grit my teeth hoping he didn't notice, but unfortunately, Bellamy notices.
"Are you okay?" He asks gently, his hot breath against my neck. I sigh, flipping over so it puts less strain on my lungs.
"Way to ruin the moment," I breathe in deeply, trying to regain my breath. Bellamy puts a hand on my back to steady me, and I frown sadly. I felt heavy, like all I needed was sleep; only after a short amount of time doing something that wasn't just lying there. How long would it take to get back to normal? I needed to be better, and soon. On the ground, I can't be a burden.
"Sorry Princess," Bellamy whispers softly, placing one last kiss against my temple, letting me get comfortable.
My eyes close, slowly falling asleep tiredly. By now, I'm probably half asleep. I feel Bellamy lie next to me, and subconsciously put my head on his chest. He wraps his arm securely around me, and I felt safe.
I hear a snicker from across the room. "Called it!" The voice rings out, and Bellamy and I laugh, knowing the voice belonged to Octavia.
"Shut up," Bellamy responds lightly, and I can feel the smile on his face. I fall silent, taking deep breaths of air that I haven't been able to get in a long time. I feel a pang of sadness, knowing this time with Bellamy was short, because as soon as I was better we both would have more important things to focus on, and go back to pretending whatever was going on with us didn't exist because we believed it was dangerous. And maybe it was, but being with Bellamy like this made me feel— happy. How could that not be worth it?
"Charming?" I feel his chest hum lightly, his heart beating right underneath my hand.
"I stayed awake for you," I whisper sleepily, feeling perfectly content there. I just thought he should know- that I cared about how he felt. The two of us were dancing around the words, afraid. "I wanted to stay, you know."
"Shhh" Bellamy hushes me. "You need rest," Bellamy disregards it, but now, there's seemingly nothing but time. I thought too much while I was stuck here. I had killed or injured so many people without even thinking about it. So many of my parents people, people who had somewhat trusted me.
"I didn't just hurt myself on that bridge. There were at least forty of my parents people on that bridge," I confess, their screams echoing in my head. "I'm not who I used to be, and I don't know if I like who I am."
Bellamy draws circles on my hips with his fingers, and I count them for no reason other than for comfort.
"You saved this camp, Ava. If you didn't, we'd be dead." Bellamy pauses, his hand stopping on my side. "None of us are the people we were. But your a good person, Princess. Don't let what Earth has made you do tell you different," He mutters, his own voice groggy. I smile at the sweet sound of it, my heart swelling. Maybe Bellamy really does care for me more than I think, and I'm just too scared to realize it.
It's silent, and I let myself fall asleep. Or try to at least, a wave of exhaustion taking over.
After who knows how long, Bellamy startles me.
"Princess?" He asks gently, twirling a piece of my hair. I smile lightly into his chest at the fact he mimicked my words from earlier, humming in response. I was too tired for words. For once, I felt at peace.
I felt still.
"Thank you, for not dying. I wasn't ready for that— I don't think I'll ever be. You see the good in me, and that makes me want to do right by you."
//\\
A/N: This chapter was almost 4000 words, but I really loved it. You can see how Avalon starts to realize she can be destructive to herself at times, and a lot of the second book will focus on that.
But anyways, I pushed her to the point of wanting to give up. And it won't be the last time I do.
Finn taking care of Avalon is the sweetest for me, because she always took care of him. Now it was reversed.
Also, for a while Finn and Bellamy were there together, so in my head they did some bonding time. Their little moment earlier I thought was important.
And last but certainly not least, Bellamy and Avalon decided to forget everything else for a hot second. They let down their guard, and it was damn adorable. Obviously, their "experience" levels are different. But who knows if they'll ever fully open up to the idea?
Leave me your thoughts, because I love when people comment <3