I wander through the park, following the ball of light to meet with the angel. We come to a small pond and the ball flies into the water, tranforming it into a pool of light. It’s so bright that I almost have to look away. The angel rises out of the water and walks along the surface of the pond until he reaches the land.
“How has your training been going?” he asks.
I swallow, embarrassed with my failure. I can’t even feel the light anymore, let alone manipulate it. “I’ve been having some trouble with it,” I say. I don’t want to elaborate too much. I’m afraid he’ll think less of me if I tell him that I’m letting a boy get in the way of my training, but I haven’t heard from Day yet. I’ve called like a million times.
“Show me,” he says. I don’t know what to do. I close my eyes and try to feel the light. I’m too anxious to reach the right state of mind. A minute or so passes, nothing happens.
“I can’t do it,” I say.
“Your mind is cloudy,” the angel says.
“You must clear it away. You cannot be distracted by the illusions of the physical world. You must find the light. It will give you peace. It will give you clarity.”
“It’s not that easy.” I wish it were. I want the light to just wash away the pain, but I can’t get to it.
“Close your eyes and take a breath,” he says. “Clear your mind. Now tell me what happened.”
My eyes are closed. I decide to be honest with him. “I wanted to feel close to him. I wanted to feel. Since I’ve been touching the light, I’ve been losing touch with reality. And so, I did it. I had sex with him, and I felt. I felt good. I could feel the world and the light. And then he left and I haven’t heard from him. Now, every moment that I go without talking to him, I feel like I’m crumbling into little pieces. You probably don’t understand.”
“Those are mortal concerns,” he says. “Clear your mind. Let go.”
He reaches out and I can feel his light washing over me. I want to stop hurting so badly that I cling to the light. I let it wash my pain away. It saturates my mind. I can feel the warmth. It’s like a dream. Everything is fading away. I forget about the pain, it’s not real. Nothing matters to me. Nobody matters to me. The light is all that is important.
“Are you ready to start training?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say.