Chapter 20 | Grief
when you're tired,
when the tears fall out,
just remember this oneㅡ
you are more precious than me,
i'll hold your two hands,
i'll be here
ㅡBTOB, I'll Be Here
#
Changsub:
I walked away from Chorong's door, but not completely leaving. I don't want to leave her, no matter what she's going through right now, but I don't want to invade her space either. Maybe she needs some time alone. Maybe we'll be alright. She'll be alright.
When I heard her door click open, I watched her from afar as she picked up the plastic bag I left by her door. Even from a distance, I could feel the sadness that surrounds her.
And when she had closed the door, I returned in front of itㅡjust staring at it, not knowing what to do or expect. Even though she clearly told me to go home, I found myself sitting down on the floor, leaning my back against the cold wall outside her apartment, hoping that maybe she would call me and I'll be there for her in a heartbeat.
#
Chorong:
"You have to let me go."
"No... no..." I mumbled in my sleep before waking up with a gasp, and tears. I felt so weak, like my whole body is wobbly. I made myself as small as I could between the center table and the couch in my living room where I had fallen asleep, and then I cried so painfully like my heart is literally shattering.
I have dreamed of mom.
In my dreams, she was moving. She had emotions again. She was normal.
And she told me to let her go, with tears flowing down her face the way it had been in the hospital.
I buried my face deep into the couch as if it could block everything else at that moment. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to let go of her. How could she ask me something so difficult to do in my dreams?
#
Changsub:
"Bomi-ah," I called while I was having my morning coffee at home. I'll be leaving in a while to start recording some of the other songs for my debut album.
"What?" she asked, her cheeks were like balloons from taking huge bites of bread. I don't know how she could eat so much in the morning.
"Perhaps, did something happen to Chorong?"
Her eyes widened. "Did something happen to her?" she asked worriedly.
I frowned, "That is why I'm asking you, I do not know."
"Oh," she said, chewing slowly. "She hasn't been in the shop. The last time I saw her was when Naeun dropped her by the shop. Actually, I just get in using the extra keys she lent me."
I nodded quietly, staring at my coffee. I received no calls or texts from her. I'm growing more and more worried.
"Are you guys okay? Did you fight?" she asked.
I shook my head. "No, why would we? I mean," I let out a sigh. "Everything was well between us. It must be... a family issue."
"You told me her mom is in the hospital," she said thoughtfully. "Why don't you visit her after work?"
I looked at her and smiled a little. "Yeah? It's alright for me to do that, right?"
"Well, you are Chorong eonni's..." she said, trailing off. "friend?"
Right.
I'll just visit her mom later to make sure she's alright.
#
Chorong:
The nurses moved her out of her room, the doctor gave me a considerate pat on my shoulder, and a gentle mutter of 'I'm sorry'.
I stood outside the room where minutes ago, she had been breathing.
And when she stopped, I have stopped feeling anything at all too.
#
Changsub:
I have recorded I'll Be Here and Star with Hyunsik. After that, he asked me to have dinner with him but I had to tell him that I have to go somewhere else. "Maybe next time, with Eunkwang." I told him.
He smiled. "Alright, busy man!"
I took my bike to the hospital and parked it outside. I went to the front desk and asked if I could visit Chorong's mom.
The lady behind the front desk suddenly changed her expression into something that made my heart skip a beat. "They just moved her to the hospital mortuary, sir. I'm sorry."
For a moment, it was like my hearing went totally quiet followed by a long 'ding' sound. I had to shake my head to get back to my senses. Chorong.
"A-Are you sure you're not mistaken?" I asked.
The lady shook her head. "Her room has been cleared, sir."
I started running to the hospital room because I had to see for myself. I couldn't believe it until I see it.
But then, I saw her.
Chorong was standing still outside what had been her mom's hospital room. She was just staring at the window where we once watched her mom sleeping. She wasn't crying. I'm afraid she had no expression at all.
I slowly walked to her, and as if feeling my presence, she turned to me and I immediately brought her into my arms.
She stood still, until her shoulders were shaking and the hallway was filled with her painful cry, so I hugged her tighter while I caressed her hairㅡunderstanding how she's feeling more than anyone else.
#
Chorong didn't utter any word at all. Her mom's funeral was set and she hasn't said any word to me or anyone else but the person who arranged her mom's funeral.
Last night, I have come with her to her place and I didn't leave even as she fell asleep on the couch next to me. She had woken up at three in the morning, crying and I was just thankful I was there with her. I hugged her tight until she calmed down. I was wide awake even when she fell asleep again, and by the time I felt sleepiness take over me, the sun had come up.
When I woke up, she was gone from the couch and I felt my heart stops beating for a while, but when I got up, feeling like I've just closed my eyes for a few seconds, I found her in the kitchen, making coffee for two.
After she's done and she saw me, she had wordlessly come to me and wrapped her arms around me for a while.
And she didn't have to speak. I knew that it was her way of thanking me for not leaving her side.
#
At the funeral, Chorong didn't talk either. His father came, though, and tried to get some words out of her but she only returned a glare to him.
My friends and Bomi came. Jinyoung came and cried some time with Chorong. It was a time I was a little jealous because they shared this thing with the most precious person in Chorong's life that I would never get to know, and yet I knew jealousy has no place there at the moment so I brushed it away.
Their relatives and her mom's friends came, Hayoung and her family. Two days later, Namjoo and Eunji came earlier than they should have been, and they have hugged and weeped together. Both not wanting to leave Chorong's side yet understanding that she needed the time alone to grieve.
One night, when it was just me and Bomi, and a few people who were too busy to be bothered, I stood a few steps away from Chorong, watching her stare into blankness, her eyes red rimmed from cryingㅡBomi had talked to me quietly.
"You're in love again, aren't you?" she asked gently.
It was only then that I averted my eyes away from Chorong. "What?"
Bomi smiled half sadly, half happily. "You just don't simply like her. You're in love with her. She's hurting and it's breaking your heart. Am I right?"
I looked at Chorong again and a small smile spread across my lips. "When I first met her, I didn't know she would become this important to me," I said. "I just want her to be happy again."
#
But that won't be happening anytime soon, I know.
It was around two in the morning when Chorong got up. I was making coffee for myself when she came to me. I put down my cup and tucked strands of her hair behind her ears.
"Hey," I said quietly, "Would you like to get some sleep?" I asked.
She shook her head.
"Coffee?" I asked.
She nodded.
Even though I didn't want her to have coffee because it won't help her fall asleep, I just wanted to give her anything she wants at the moment.
So, this is what it felt like when poets fall in love and desire to give the moon to the person they fell in love with.
I want to give the whole universe to Chorong, if I could.
We sat outside on a small bench. The night was chilly despite summer because it rained a bit earlier. I wish the stars shone perfectly, but the skies were only dark.
"I dreamed about mom again," she said and I quickly turned to her because those were the first words she said to me ever since her mom passed away.
"Was it a good dream?" I asked.
She nodded, "When I was a kid, I've always thrown tantrums when mom didn't buy me food I like whenever we went out. I really brought the attitude up until high school. I would always ask her to buy me chicken feet. She always told me it was not healthy, but she didn't resist me anyway," she said and I listened carefully, glad that she was speaking again. "Last night, I dreamed that she bought me chicken feet again and we ate it together..." her voice was soon swallowed by her sobs.
She shut her eyes firmly, tears quietly streaming down her cheeks. "I just miss her so bad."
I pulled her closer to me, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze, and then I kiss her forehead softly. "Of course, you do, and you always will." I told her.
She clutched on my shirt tightly as I give her shoulder gentle pats, hoping to make her feel better.
#
When the funeral was over and they have sent Chorong's mother in peace, she went back into not talking to anyone.
Since I've been scolded for skipping my schedules for a few days, I had to go to work and leave her for quite some time. Bomi told me that Chorong came to her karaoke shop, but only to stare at the wall in front of her. She told me that she cried sometimes all of a sudden.
For the next following days, I have worked and prepared for my debut. Chorong still wasn't talking to me or to anyone else. I brought her dinner every night after work, but even her appetite was gone. She rarely ate more than five spoonfuls.
And I was growing more afraid.
The next day when I visited her, she had removed a lot of pictures that used to be displayed in her living room. Her place that used to be so neat is now filled with unfinished food, boxes, laundry and empty mugs everywhere. On her bed, the notebook I gave her rest with tons of crumpled sheets of paper as if she had been trying to write.
Finally, I could pinpoint what I was so afraid aboutㅡI was afraid she would eventually push me out of her life, too. I was afraid that darkness was quickly swallowing her wholly and that I might not be able to save her. I might not be able to become the light she had been for me.
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A/N: surprise update even though it's not friday yet! bcs im sick and im feeling more generous. lol. just kidding
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I SUGGEST WATCHING THE VIDEO ATTACHED TO THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE CHANGRONG IS LIFE. 😂
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thank you guys for reading, especially to those i see every update 👀
i always anticipate your feedbacks.
so thanks a lot for loving this fanfiction, and wishing it was real with me (except the bad things lol) 😭💕