Chapter Seventeen
Title from Circles by All Time Low
I closed the last book that I had to read, Different Seasons. Out of each of the books, I loved one of the short stories in Different Seasons the most. The short story was titled "The Body" and it's about a group of friends going out to look for the body of a missing boy from their town. Though it is much deeper of a story than that. It's about friendship.
Rose Madder was what I expected from Stephen King, it was full of anxiety, and still there were a few good laughs I got out of it.
I sighed when I heard Tammy enter the room, holding my tray of food that I'm expected to eat.
Eating is still difficult, but I've learned that I have to eat some, even if I have to cut it into a million pieces. Which is very hard to do with a plastic utensil.
At first I said that I was vegetarian so I would only have to eat some of the stuff from the salad, but they realized that I wasn't gaining weight, and declared that I needed to have food with more nutritional value.
Can they even do that? Force me to stop being vegetarian?
When they feed me through a tube it has meat in it.
Meat has so many calories.
Eating is difficult, but I'm not going to let anyone stop me from throwing up later. Throwing up is disgusting, but it's become a new norm for me, though I can never get it all up and that makes me feel worse.
There's a perfect three hour period between two and five where everyone is quiet, and the nurses aren't parading the hallways looking for someone to do something wrong, and that's when I throw up.
They don't tell you exactly how many points you lose for each thing, but I've learned. I've learned from listening to others and dissecting my final grades. I think most people pick up on those things.
I've learned what the psychiatrists specialize in, I learned that the average person is in here for a month and a half.
I looked down at the turkey sandwich on white toast, lettuce sticking out of the side of the sandwich. My side was colored greens. Yuck.
What can I eat out of this?
I'll eat the lettuce and some of the turkey. I can't do the bread. I suppose I'll have to eat a few bites of colored greens. That should be enough to not need the tube.
I picked up my fork and lifted the bread off of the sandwich. I grabbed the lettuce off the top and used my fingers to pull it apart.
It's okay, it's just lettuce.
I put one of the small pieces in my mouth and avoided the strange look from my nurse. She's seen me do things like this several times, she shouldn't still be surprised.
I continued to eat the lettuce slowly. Very slowly, as I always do.
When she watches me it just makes it harder.
"Hey, could you put this up?" I asked, handing her the last book I had to read. She got up and took it from me, turning to put it back in my drawer.
As she did so, I slipped two of the three slices of turkey under my blanket. This is something I do as much as I can, but she watches me like a hawk most of the time.
I picked up the last piece of turkey and tore small pieces from it. Putting it in my mouth and chewing slowly.
I wonder how many calories I'm getting?
I ate half of the turkey before I started to stab my fork into the colored greens, picking up the smallest of pieces and eating them.
I think the whole process takes me at least thirty minutes, which is the entire lunch time. Depending on what it is, I need more time.
It didn't take long before nurse Jett walked in, carrying a duffle bag.
No.
I looked at her expectantly "I have a new roommate?" I asked, dissatisfaction obvious in my voice.
"Yes you do, a very nice boy. He'll be in when he's done with the grand tour" she spoke in her sweet tone.
I sighed and pushed my plate away from me. "Jack, I'm sure he won't be bad" Tammy spoke up, trying to encourage me.
"What do you know?" I snapped, watching her face turn a little red. "Sharing a room with a stranger sucks, I'm sure you wouldn't like it either" I said.
She's used to me snapping at her, so is Dr.Grace and about everyone in here that tries to talk to me. It helps me get them to stop trying to encourage me with empty promises. After awhile they stop trying to say things like this.
Nurse Jett left the room, and my nurse got up to take my tray. She took it and as soon as she left the room, I jumped up to put my pieces of hidden turkey in the toilet.
I got away with it.
I can only do this so many times before my new roommate comes in and makes it harder to do everything.
I got back in bed just in time before my nurse came back. She has to stay, or someone does for at least thirty minutes to make sure that I don't throw up.
This time I sat on top of the covers, criss cross is my usual position.
I looked at the bag placed on the empty bed, nervous. What if my new roommate has an eating disorder? Then he would probably be able to tell what's wrong with me, and I really don't want anyone to know that.
Everyone would look at me so differently.
I fluffed up my sweater, and made sure my arms didn't look too small.
I straightened up when I heard feet coming down the hall, they approached the door and the cracked door was pushed open by Dr.Mullins.
Thank God, it isn't Dr.Grace.
Dr.Mullins stepped in, following him was a timid looking boy. He had dark caramel colored hair and eyes that were strangely pretty despite the dark color. I saw him look around the room for a moment before his eyes landed on me, and almost instantly our eyes met. He quickly looked away, glancing at Tammy.
He must be scared.
I couldn't help but notice how small and timid he seemed to be. He somewhat reminded me of Vic, the way he acted when he first came, but this guy was much different.
Different than anyone I've known in here.
"Jack, this is your new roommate, Alex" Dr.Mullins introduced with a smile. I raised my eyebrow, instantly feeling annoyed.
There was a moment of silence as I didn't reply, but I didn't think any of them expected me to.
"Okay, Alex that is your bed against the window, the windows and mirrors are unbreakable so don't try" I couldn't help but give a small smirk. So that's why he's here? Suicidal?
Those guys get out fairly quickly, soon enough it'll be just me again.
"Um, we don't make you wear scrubs but you may not wear shoe laces, zippers or strings" Dr.Mullins said, as I saw Alex's eyes fall to my laceless shoes. He instantly took his shoes off.
"No food kept in the rooms, only if you are supervised" he said as he looked at me, making me more annoyed. Why do they all look at me when they talk abut food? "You are allowed to take a shower alone unless we decide to put you on suicide watch, but we will have nurse Jett in here to check on you every two minutes, if you don't answer she will come in and check on you" he said as he nodded at the bathroom door "same with bathroom breaks" he added. I didn't try to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
Why does he annoy me so much? Why can't you take a piss without being checked on?
"Anything to add, Mr.Barakat?" Dr.Mullins asked.
Does he want me to hate him more?
Maybe that's their actual goal. Make people so miserable they actually want to leave.
Maybe I'll take this as my opportunity to get back at Dr.Mullins. Maybe I'll take it as my opportunity to scare Alex away from me.
I looked Alex in the eyes "they don't trust you to shower without hanging yourself so the water comes out of the roof at a weird angle, you have to use baby soap and shampoo because it's non alcoholic, they stalk you all night, everyone here treats you like a two year old, they body check you once a week, and they force you to with movies you've seen ten times" I listed, not even really doing my worst.
"Take three points off Jacks grade" Dr.Mullins grumbled. Tammy nodded and marked on my clipboard, I instantaneously gave Dr.Mullins my bitch face.
"Oh, I forgot something" I said.
The doctors here are fake and like to pretend they're helping when all they really do is press feelings out of you and bring up the past.
No. If I say that I'll really get points taken, I'll really have to talk to the doctors, then.
Shit. Now I have to think of something else to say.
"They make you go through all these rules again every Friday morning so it's okay if you forget" I said. Really? I couldn't say anything to make him afraid of me. The last thing I need is another roommate to snoop around my room for clues.
They probably think I killed someone.
Dr.Mullins looked at me with an unhappy expression.
"Alex you lose points if you don't get to the cafeteria on time, if you refuse to talk in group, if you throw up after you eat, if you get in arguments, if you touch someone.. if you refuse medication, if you act rude towards anyone, if you take longer than ten minutes in the shower, if you self mutilate, if you lose weight.. basically anything you aren't supposed to do" he explained. I watched the washed out boy nod. "Okay, well you guys are free to do whatever you want until recreational therapy at two, Jack, make sure he gets around okay" Dr.Mullins said, nodding to Tammy.
Sike. He knows the last thing I'll be doing is leaving my room to help someone find their way.
I looked back to my new roommate, leaning back and wrapping my arms around myself. He looked at me too.
I looked at Tammy as she sighed "Jack you lost five points for not finishing, you lost three for being rude, six for refusing to talk in community and process group, and three for being late to breakfast" she listed. Why does she have to list it in front of Alex?
How do I even lose points for being late to breakfast when I eat in my room? Just because I wasn't ready when she brought my food, doesn't mean I was late.
Alex walked over to his bed.
"Tammy, I wasn't rude to Dr.Mullet, and I don't see why I was in trouble for waking up late, I mean Jonny did it and he didn't get but two points taken off" I argued, watching Alex try to hide his face as he smiled. Probably about Dr.Mullins signature nickname.
"Jonny really woke up late, he doesn't have a-"
"Okay, okay thanks Tammy..Alex is here, I don't need you anymore" I said, desperately trying to stop her before she mentioned my eating disorder. She scoffed.
"You get another three points taken off for being rude to me and Dr.Mullins again" she said as she stood up.
I looked down at the floor as she left. God, she really almost told Alex what's wrong with me. How dare she? That isn't hers to mention. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn to look at me, and I instantly met eyes with him.
Maybe now I can scare him. Make him not want to know me.
"Dr.Mullet only deals with self injury and suicidal patients, is that what's wrong with you?" I asked, not caring how rude it sounded.
Of course, I hate when people ask me what's wrong, but it ruins any good thoughts I had of them. That's my goal. I can't have another patient trying to get close to me just so he can figure out what's wrong with me.
That's all anyone wants.
"That's none of your business" he snapped, similar to the way I do when people ask me that question.
Woah, I'm impressed, I didn't think he had it in him.
"I'll find out tomorrow morning anyway, wouldn't want to lose a few points would you?" I snapped back at him. He seems like he's too good, too desperate to get out. He froze, letting his expression fall.
"Why can't you have respect for people and gain your points back? You want to get out don't you?" He whisper yelled. It was actually quite cute, no ones ever challenged me this way.
Good. Now he hates me, now he doesn't want to know of me. This went the way I wanted it to go.
"What makes you think that the real world is better? I'm not saying I don't want to get out, I'm just not going to become one of their fucking dolls" I said, truthfully. I can tell he's going to do everything he can to get out, and the people that need it that bad always become the doctors puppets so they can get out. I saw Alex flash a smile, and I looked to see a nurse checking in.
He looked back down at me and gave me a somewhat rude look as he left the room.
God, why are people so annoying? Why do I have to have another roommate?
At least he hates me, so he won't try to talk to me.
I closed my eyes as I laid my head back. I can almost feel the calories that I ate can and they gave me a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Jack" a nurse spoke as she walked in "you need to be in recreational therapy" she said in a dull tone.
God, I hate recreational therapy, and even worse it's movie day again.
I got up and walked towards the popcorn smelling room full of other patients that hate me. When I walked in, I avoided eye contact with Dr.Grace and walked towards my usual spot on the couch. Of course, Alex was on the same couch accompanied by Vic and Jonny.
Alex sat awkwardly, his arms on his lap in front of him. The two of us both denied the popcorn, and I wondered if he even knew that it would make him lose points. He would probably eat it if he knew.
Directly after the movie, we were all herded into the therapy room for educational therapy, which is a rare occasion because they usually skip education therapy on movie days, but they only let us watch thirty minutes of the movie this time. Not that it matters, we've seen the movie countless times.
I sat next to Dr.Grace, which is kind of like my unassigned assigned seat. Alex sat with Jonny and Vic. Are they already friends?
"Today's subject is depression and ways of coping with depression" Dr.Grace spoke to us, her kindergarten class of psych patients.
I sat up, rather satisfied that this group didn't have anything to do with eating disorders or habits.
"Raise your hand if you're a victim of depression" she said. I watched as several hands shot up, but not Alex's. What? Does Dr.Mullins have a patient without depression?
Vic whispered something to him, and it only took him a moment to timidly raise his hand. I smiled, thought so.
Alex looked up, and immediately met my gaze. He had a troubled expression, one mixed with anxiety and sadness. It actually made me quite sad.
"Okay, would anyone like to share how they cope with it?" Dr.Grace asked.