Chapter Sixteen
Title from Good Times by All Time Low
(Skipping about eight months because Jack is inpatient for a full year before Alex comes in, annnd he does have to come in eventually ((don't worry you missed nothing but him being an asshole to his psychiatrist))
"Jack, please come to attend recreational therapy in the day room" Mrs.Jett poked her head in, smiling at me.
I let my head fall back with a sigh before getting up. I looked over to the now empty bed, where Justin was just a few hours ago before he was released.
Thank God.
I don't know how many more roommates I'll have, but if they're anything like him, I'll probably actually get better so I can actually get away from him.
He wasn't too bad, he just asked what was wrong with me about every other day, and he went through my stuff, and that made me uncomfortable. He worst part about him, was that he wasn't scared when I was an asshole to him. He only shut up for about a day before he was back to trying to figure me out.
I don't know why people here seem to have an obsession with what bad things I've done to myself.
I've seen several people come and go, and I've picked up on several things. Several secrets and things they don't tell the patients up front. Most patients figure it out anyways.
No one that was here when I first came is still here, in fact the people who came in after those people aren't still here either.
Well, except for Andrew, he got here four months after me and he's still here.
I got up out of my bed, and shuffled myself down the hall to the day room. God, I hate movie day.
The whole room smells of popcorn.
"Hey, Jack, glad you could join us. We're watching Back To The Future" Dr.Grace said with a smile. I merely glanced at her before I sat down on the couch that was against the same wall the TV was on. I don't need to watch the movie, and because you can't see the movie from here there wasn't anyone to share the couch with.
Popcorn was passed out to everyone who accepted it, and I already knew that if you didn't eat it, you lost points. I declined anyways. I've already lost way too many points for an A.
While I looked around the room, I noticed a new face and when I kept looking I noticed another face that wasn't quite new to me, but it was new to this place.
Mikes older brother.
God, when did these guys get here?
I guess I really should be paying attention in group therapy.
In almost an instant, Mikes brother met my eyes. What's his name? Vic? I think that's what Danny called him.
I didn't break eye contact with him.
The other new guy was sitting two spots away from him, beside Josh. He was pale with ginger hair and a growing beard. I never understood beards on high schoolers.
Vic obviously recognizes me. I couldn't help but notice how afraid he looked. I could almost see him trembling. His eyes were big and innocent the way I remember them when Danny was beating up on him.
Why are you here?
Did it finally get to him?
The other guy looked laid back and chill, he was talking to Josh about something and every now and then he would say something to Oliver. The new guy is fitting in well, I suppose.
It wasn't long before they were told to be quiet, and we were all left in silence while the movie played.
By the time the movie was over, several people were discreetly snoozing. On movie days we don't have an education group, which was both a good and bad thing because education group sucks and the movie days suck too.
You can't win here.
"Alright guys, movies over. I hope you liked it" Dr.Grace said as she stood up. A decent amount of guys stood up to get back to their rooms, leaving the day room occupied with about ten people.
I like to wait until everyone is out of the hall before I return to my room.
Before I knew it, the new guy with the ginger hair was plopped down beside me. I sat up a little straighter, and scooted more towards the arm of the couch.
"Hey, I'm Jonny" he said in a friendly tone. I glanced over at him.
What does he want?
"What's your name?" He asked, in the same friendly tone he used when he introduced himself.
"Jack" I replied, in a small tone.
"Well it's nice to meet you. Why are you here?" He asked.
Who the hell asks a question like that when you first meet someone.
He was just trying to be nice, but it made me lose my willingness to be nice in return.
You don't need to know why I'm here. You're here for yourself, not to figure out why I'm here.
I didn't answer, and he looked at me with an expression of pure confusion. I don't know why not getting an answer confuses him so much.
"Well, what are you up to? Just sitting here?" He asked.
I looked at him, studying the expression on his face as I opened my mouth to speak "wishing you would leave me alone" I said in a dull tone, watching his expression of friendly confusion turn to one that was completely opposite.
And with that, I got up from my spot on the couch and walked back to my room
God, I'm such an asshole.
***
"This is your tenth time being fed with a tube, Jack" Dr.Stump spoke, looking at me with concern.
I felt my feet start to shake as I remembered exactly what the tube in my nose was adding to my body.
Food.
Calories.
I shrugged, and looked at the one doctor that I felt the most comfortable around. The one doctor that treated me like a person, and not a patient or a kindergartener.
"The nurses tell me that you don't like to go to the day room" he brought up.
"The people in there, they make me feel kind of pressured" I said, trying to give him an explanation.
"How so?" He asked, looking at me with his kind expression.
"They ask what's wrong with me, like it's important to their lives. Plus, anytime I'm around they give me strange looks and I see them whispering a lot" I said, thinking of all of the times that I've sat back and watched as people talked about me.
Probably just talking about what's wrong with me, but part of me felt like they were making fun of my weight.
"What makes you think that opening up is such a bad thing?" Dr.Stump asked, cautiously.
I shrugged and looked down at my hands. My hands that were attached to my thin wrists, my wrists that were attached to my growing arms.
I felt a chill.
I don't want to get any bigger.
"I don't want people to know what I've done to myself" I said, afraid to meet his eyes. I heard him shift in his chair.
"If they're in here, they've most likely done some terrible things to themselves as well" he said, in a small voice.
He's honest with me. I feel like he's more honest than anyone else in this place ever was.
"What do you want more than anything?" He asked.
"To listen to Blink 182 again. Or to feel the outside air on my skin, and feel the sun on my face" I said it because I knew that he was the one person that wouldn't report everything I said to Dr.Grace. I don't want her to know that I'll answer his questions and not hers.
"Jack, when you get better you'll be able to go outside. You can feel the sun on your skin and listen to Blink. And I want you to remember that you can be loved, and you can love yourself" he said, getting me to finally meet his eyes.
"Do you know how you know that you're in love?" He asked.
"I don't know" I said. I need him to tell me something that will let me know that my love for Danny wasn't real.
"You'll know that you're in love when you can look at a person and want them more than you want to listen to Blink 182 in this moment. You'll know that you're in love, when seeing them feels the same as feeling the sun on your skin, even after you've been in here for so long. And most importantly, you'll know that you're in love when you are willing to mend yourself and recover from even the worst of things for yourself, because they should make you want to get better for yourself, and not just for them" he said, keeping my full attention as he spoke.
I feel like crying.
I also feel relieved, relieved because Danny did the opposite of what Dr.Stump just described.
"You're a good kid, and don't let anything make you think that you're unlovable. I see the way you act in here, I hear about the way you act, and I know first hand that acting this way is your way of protecting and defending yourself" he explained, getting up from the chair and walking over to the cart.
"I know that you're usually in here, and I already talked to Dr.Grace about it. I brought you some of my books to keep you occupied" he said, pulling a couple of books from the bottom of the cart.
I let myself smile at him, a real smile.
He's so thoughtful, and I'm so grateful that he's been around for my worst days in here, as he is the one administering the tube fed food.
"Thank you so much, it means so much. I've been trying to find things to do" I said. He handed me a book, and put four others on the bed beside me.
The book in my hand was Rose Madder, a Stephen King book, which I couldn't believe they let me have in a psych ward.
When I looked at the books he put on the bed I saw Johnny Got His Gun, Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy one and two, and another Stephen King book called Different Seasons.
"Of course, if Dr.Grace asks what happens in the book, leave out the gore. She never asked me if they were appropriate for a psych ward" he said, chuckling.
In that case, I probably shouldn't let her see that I have Stephen King books at all.
I'll finish these in no time.