Chapter Twelve
Title from Weightless by All Time Low.
"Hey, are you feeling okay?" I was startled by the voice of Mr.Way, looking at me with a face that looked almost desperate.
I blinked hard, trying to see him straight.
"Yeah, yeah" I replied, trying to focus on him so he might get off my case.
"I really don't think-"
"I'm good" I snapped, feeling suddenly defensive. I got up from the table I had at lunch and walked passed him and pushed the door to the hallway. I could hear it open again as I got about halfway down the hall, and I decided to keep walking.
I don't want to talk. I really don't want to talk.
Everything around me seemed to move fast, and all of a sudden I had a foggy feeling that got worse as the seconds passed. I tried to keep walking, pushing through the feeling, blinking as black dots clouded my vison.
Then the black dots multiplied, until they took over.
***
I woke up to the sound of running water and an immediate headache.
When I opened my eyes, I was immediately both nauseaous and lightheaded again. I brought a hand up to my forehead and rubbed the tender skin above my eye.
"Jack?" I heard the sweet voice of a woman, and I turned to see that it was the school nurse, Mr.Way by her side with a cup of water in hand. He looked directly at me as he handed me the cup.
I slowly sat up, seeing that I was on the small exam table in the nurses office.
"How did I-"
"You passed out in the hallway" Mr.Way explained, his worried expression never leaving his face "I carried you here"
I blinked a few times, and took the water from him, taking a small sip of it.
"Your sister is on her way to get you, your parents were unable to get you and gave us her number" The nurse explained in a gentle tone.
How long was I passed out?
"I'll be right back" She said as she stepped out of the room, glancing at me one last time before the door closed behind her.
Mr.Way sat in silence for a second, but I already know what he'll say.
"Have you been eating?" he asked, in a concerned tone, with a concerned face which I've grown to hate.
I don't want pity, it only makes me feel worse. It makes me feel weaker, like I'm something that people should worry about.
I shrugged, watching my feet as I kicked them back and fourth over the edge of the exam table.
"Please get some help" he begged.
He cares too much. He doesn't even know me, and nothing a doctor can say is going to make me better. He doesn't understand.
I jumped off of the table as I heard the voice of my sister in the hallway outside the nurses office. I almost fell over as I got down, seeing Mr.Way step out, as if he was going to help me.
"He was just walking down the hall and he passed out" the nurse said as she opened my door to reveal my sister, May. I haven't seen May since before I even met Danny, we haven't really been in contact much since she moved out.
When May saw me I watched her eyes widen. She stared at me, in shock for at least a minute before she uttered a word. "Jack, you're so-" she stopped herself and I saw that she was close to tears "You're so small"
It took everything I had not to breakdown.
"I do suggest that you get him to a doctor as soon as you can" The nurse spoke, looking at me as if I was a ghost.
My sister nodded "We're going right now" she said as she stepped closer to me, as if she wanted to hug me. She didn't. Is she afraid that i'll break?
How are we supposed to go to the doctor? appointments have to be made, and I don't have the time for that. I'm fine on my own, and the last thing I need is a doctor to tell me things that I already know.
My sister signed me out of school, and took me to her car. She had tears trickling down her face as she started the car. She won't even look at me.
I bit my lip, feeling so guilty, feeling so bad that I'm hurting her.
I never wanted to hurt anyone.
"I can't get you into our doctor without an appointment, so we'll go to the walk in clinic" she said.
I went to the walk in clinic when I was seven. I broke my finger and my parents didn't think it was important enough for the hospital or the doctors office, so the walk in clinic is basically a doctors office that accepts patients without having an appointment in advance.
"May, its fine, we can just-"
"Jack" she said sternly. "This is not fine. You are not fine, you look like half of the person you were when I last saw you" she cried, I could see her hands shaking even as they gripped the steering wheel. "How did Mom and Dad let this happen?"
I'm a burden. A burden to her and to my parents, I was a burden to Danny and i'm one to myself as well.
"You don't eat? Is that it?" she asked, making me nearly flinch. I shrugged, the same way I did with Mr.Way. She already knows it, just like he did.
We didn't talk again until I was in the Walk in Clinic with her as she filled out my form. She asked me the things she didn't know, and I answered. That was it.
"Alright, May and Jack you can come back to the examination room" I heard the deep voice of a doctor who had a nice smile and kind eyes. I followed her lead as she followed him to the room.
"I'm Dr.Jones" he said, taking a seat on a stool in the middle of the room as we sat down in the chairs. "Why did you come here today?" he asked, looking between May and I.
"I haven't seen my brother in months, but I was called to his school today because he passed out" May started, taking a deep breath. "Just a few months ago he was much bigger, he was a normal and healthy weight. Looking at him now, I just can't believe that he's healthy"
I bit down on my tongue as she mentioned how much bigger I was.
"I don't believe he's eating at all" she added. I watched the doctor as he scanned me, looking me up and down as she spoke.
"Alright. Well i'll start with taking your height and weight, then I'll calculate your BMI and tell you what I think. Sound good?" he said, in a cheery tone.
May nodded, but I only stayed still.
Not good.
"Alright, can I have you take off your shoes?" he asked as he walked over to the thing he was about to take my height on. I nodded and silently took them off, walking to where he was standing "Put your feet to the back of this and stand up straight" he ordered. "Good" he said as he paid attention to the height rod.
I felt anxiety build up in me. I haven't weighed myself in a month.
It's been a month since I weighed, and decided to really try to get better.
Did it work? No, I'm not strong enough to make myself eat. I'm not strong enough to stop worrying.
"You're 6'2 he said, writing it down and motioning for me to get off. "Do you have a shirt on under that sweater?" he asked, looking into my eyes with his deep blue ones.
I nodded, but was hesitant.
"Go ahead and take off the sweater" he said gently.
I looked to May, who already had tears in her eyes.
I slowly pulled off my sweater, revealing my stick thin arms and small torso that made her eyes widen once again. The doctor studied me for a second before preparing the scale. "Go ahead and step on" he said as I took a deep breath. I did as he said and squeezed my eyes shut as I waited.
There was a small beep signaling that my weight had come up, and I heard a sharp intake of breath from him, and a sigh. "Jack, you weigh Ninety Eight pounds"
When he said it, I heard May start to cry harder. Little sobs wracked her body.
I felt tears in my eyes and I bit my lip, trying everything not to cry.
"You can step off now" he said, pulling his stethliscope from around his neck. When I got off, he positioned me "I'm going to check your heartbeat" he informed as he pressed the metal peice to my chest. "Take a deep breath" he said, and I did. "And another" he said.
I'm still shaky after hearing my weight. How bad is 98 pounds?
He moved the metal peice to my back, and listened as I took two more deep breaths. Then, he jotted something else down and looked back up at me. I can't even look at May anymore.
"Alright, you can take a seat. The last thing i'm going to measure is your blood pressure" he said, as he picked up the blood pressure cuff. I sat down and he instructed me to rest my arm on a table that he pulled over. I did and he strapped it on my arm.
When my blood pressure was taken, he pulled his stool back in front of May and I and sighed as he looked down at his clipboard.
"Jack" he started, looking at me in the eyes "With a height of 6'2 and a weight of 98, your Body Mass Index is calculated to be 12.6" he said as if he just pronounced one of my family members dead.
What does that mean?
"When people's BMI falls under 15, it isn't uncommon for them to drop dead at any moment"
Now it was my turn to let my eyes widen.
"I'm actually surprised that you haven't suffered organ failure yet, and If you lose anymore weight, I can't stress to you how serious this is. You have low blood pressure, your heartbeat is irregular. There is no doubt that you're suffering from anorexia" he said.
I knew what he was saying, but I couldn't get myself to react. God, I'm going to pass out again.
"Your body doesn't have the resources to function properly. Your body is shutting down functions just to keep your organs going. This means that your hair is falling out, and your immune system isn't functioning anymore. You're most likely experiencing decreased testosterone. Your body is so weak, and it can't take much more. I'm sorry to be blunt with you, but if you don't get immediate help i'm afraid that you're going to die"
The whole world seemed to be spinning around me, and I felt everything at once.
He looked to May now "I recommend admitting him to an inpatient ward first thing in the morning. The closest place is the Psychiatric Ward in Valley Springs hospital" I can't even look at her.
I did this to myself, I destroyed my own body. I could die, and he's sure that I will die.
I can't be in a psychiatric ward. I can't do it. I felt my whole body shake more than it was, and I desperately need it to stop. This is too much.
"Thank you, Dr.Jones. I'll make sure that he gets the help he needs there"
***
"The doctor said that people bigger than him drop dead from organ failure. He could die any second!" May cried, both of my parents let their eyes land on me "How could you let this happen?" she accused.
"How were we supposed to know?" My dad shot back.
"Look at him! Look at your son! I took one look at him and knew something was wrong" she raised her voice, crying.
"He said he went vegetarian, he's been running, we thought-"
"You can see his cheekbones! His arms are the size of sticks!" she yelled, motioning towards me. "He's ninety eight pounds, his immune system shut down, his hair is falling out. The doctor said his heartbeat was irregular and he has low blood pressure. If he isn't put in the psych ward he'll die!" she cried. Her face was red, and the tears haven't stopped since we left the doctor.
I'm so tired, so overwhelmed. I don't want to die, but maybe I should. Dying doesn't seem so bad, i'm so tired. I just want to lay in bed and never have to get up again.
"Jack, take off your sweater" My mom instructed, a tone in her voice that i've never heard before.
I looked between the three of them before I did, leaving me in a plain blue t-shirt. I saw their expression change when they saw my arms, which were hidden by my sweater.
"Take off your shirt" my dad said next. I immediately shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. May was quiet now, looking at me with tears littering her cheeks. "Jack, I told you to take off your shirt"
"No" I said bluntly, stepping back.
I don't understand why they want to see, it will just hurt them.
"You'll do as I say" he demanded, using the tone he used on us when we were bad kids.
I blinked hard, and hesitantly pulled it up, not off.
I watched May gasp, then turn away.
I saw my mom start to cry.
I saw my dad look at me like a I'm a monster.
I can't even look at myself.
I am the people that I was afraid of on the television.