After Castle leaves with Gina to go to the Hamptons Kate mourns the loss when he doesn't call or come back. She meets josh. When Castle comes back tensions rise.
•••
How can I say this without breaking
How can I say this without taking over
How can I put it down into words
When it's almost too much for my soul alone
///
I don't want them to know the secrets
I don't want them to know the way I loved you
I don't think they'd understand it, no
I don't think they would accept me, no
Fleurie - Hurts Like Hell
•••
It had been about three months since Castle left to go to the Hamptons with Gina and she hadn't heard from him since. It hurt like hell not having him by her side every day, investigating with him and hearing his crazy theories. She had liked him, wanted to go out with him, but apparently he had other plans with another woman, and that hurt her. Kind of broke her. But she vowed she wouldn't let him in the way she almost did. She had mourned him and their partnership for at least two months and her team saw her. They saw her depressed mood and saw the weight of the loss, and wanted her to get help. Eventually though, on her own she pulled herself up and got back on her feet, trying to forget about Castle, because he would've called if her cared.
She had met Josh at a cafe not far from the precinct. The 12th had been too much of a chaotic environment for her that day so she escaped on her lunch break and decided to try someplace new that didn't have ties with Castle or her family. He was sitting alone at the counter and she sat a few barstools away from him. They each kept stealing glances at one another before they accidentally both looked at the same time making direct eye contact. Kate looked away quickly, blushing slightly. But not the way Castle used to make her. She quickly made that memory flee her head. Castle wasn't coming back and he didn't care about her anymore.
The man that Kate had been looking at then got up from his barstool and sat down in the one next to hers, introducing himself as Josh. She smiled and told him her name was Kate and that was where things began. They were happy together for only knowing each other a short amount of time. By the time Castle had showed up it had been almost six months and they were going strong. Sure Kate still dreamt about Castle sometimes but it was not as much as it used to be. But him showing up wanting back in to be her shadow again had caused her to dream about him for nights on end, when she should be dreaming about Josh and a possible life with him.
Anyhow Kate and Josh's relationship began to strain and they began getting into some fights over how he's putting more into the relationship than she is and she wouldn't fight him back on it because she knew he was telling the truth and sometimes that would lead them into more fighting, the fact that she just took it and didn't fight back with him. She had feelings for him yes, but with Castle back in her life her feelings for him returned and she wanted to hate him for it. But she couldn't even if she wanted to.
About six and a half months into their relationship Kate broke up with Josh after having Castle back for only two weeks. He was upset as he rightfully should be, she had strung him along for as long as she could before she couldn't take it anymore. He tried to ask her what he did that lead to this but she couldn't give him the answer he wanted. She told him that she just wasn't in this 100% which was true. Just it wasn't the whole truth. That night she cried herself to sleep with guilt. She had finally had something good come along after Castle left but then she had to go and fuck it up. Why did he have to come back? She wanted him to, but she didn't know how it would affect her.
With Castle back now there was tension between the two. Not just between them though. Espo and Ryan held grudges against Castle, even Lanie for what he did to their beloved friend and detective. Castle was basically being iced out by the gang. And even though he deserved it Kate still felt bad. She didn't want him to hurt the way she did. But her wounds were still raw so she let it endure for sometime.
Castle had tried to talk to her, to get her to open up but she just wouldn't do it, afraid for another repeat of what's already happened.
"Kate," he would plea with her, "what did I do?"
God, she thought, what did you do? You left, promised you would call, vanish for months and then come back and pretend like everything's fine, that's what you did. Kate would always change the conversation or just get up and leave. She couldn't talk to him normally anymore. She wanted to be able to joke and tease him the way she used to. She wanted to blush at his compliments and play with her hair at the way he would make her feel.
There was one particular day though, where everything went to shit. He had come in that morning determined to talk with her about why her, the boys, and Lanie had been pushing him out.
"Kate talk to me, what did I do?" He begged.
"Castle, just drop it." She said tense.
"Just shut me out, like always, ok, fine." He said, rolling his blue eyes.
"Excuse me?" Kate said shifting her weight and crossing her arms.
"You heard me detective."
"Castle, why don't you do a little self reflection and figure out what you did yourself, life's answers aren't handed out on a silver platter like you may think, and/or be used to." She shot back.
"Wow, so that's how it is, I see. Fine, maybe I'll just leave."
"Go ahead, it's not like leaving is something you have a problem with."
"Oh really...you know what I'm not going to do this with you Kate. Have a good life." He said with another roll of the eyes. He then turned, grabbed his jacket, and headed for the elevator.
Kate bit her lip, upset that everything she and Rick had had was now going down the drain and she was desperate to save it. So she called out to him.
"Rick!" She called using his first name. He didn't even turn around, "Rick!" She tried again. Yet he didn't turn around. She ran over to the elevator where Rick was standing waiting for the door to open, "Rick, please."
"No, Kate, no. I'm done trying to make everything right here when I did nothing wrong." Castle said himself in denial at the fact that he didn't call.
Castle was afraid of admitting his mistake, maybe afraid to take a blow to his ego, or maybe afraid because he could lose the one person he cared about most. He wasn't doing a good job at showing her he cared about her, he was just beating her down. And he hated himself for it because it was the last thing that he wanted to do but he couldn't help it and it pained him. He was for once stubborn that if he admitted his wrongdoing they would judge him for it and make him the fool. But technically it was quite the opposite but he hadn't yet seen that. He thought that if she wanted to talk to him she would've called. She should've grown a pair and just done it. He mentally slapped himself hard for thinking that. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he did do something wrong. But what if it was too late when he realized it.
"Castle you didn't-"
"Don't make a fool out of yourself Kate, you're the one who's supposed to be professional here."
"You're an asshole!" She yelled causing a few heads to turn in the precinct.
The elevator doors opened and Castle entered quickly pressing the close button but Kate slipped in before they did.
"I'm the asshole, ok! Why don't you just beat me up then!"
"Castle!"
"What! Can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen."
"I have a right to be mad!" She yelled as the elevator doors opened. Castle immediately walked out and began heading toward his car. Kate stepped outside as well but stopped chasing after him.
"Why are you mad?" Castle groaned with agitation, walking away from her.
"I'm mad because you went behind my back!" she raged toward him.
Castle stopped in his tracks, turned to look at her and began walking right towards her. "How did I go behind your back!"
"You're with Gina!" She yelled, things finally starting to come out.
"What does that have to do with anything? You're with Josh!" He spat back.
"But I don't want to be with Josh!"
"Then who do you want to be with!"
"You! I want to be with you!" She froze, her whole body stiffening, she tried to move, to say something to recover, but it was too late. She knew he had heard her, and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Kate-" he spoke softly, anger immediately vanishing from his body.
"I-wanted to be with you." She corrected herself, not wanting to fall for him again just for him to up and leave.
"Wanted?" Castle asked his heart beating out of his chest.
"Before you left with Gina," She paused, taking a deep breath, debating whether or not to release this inner demon, she decided why not, she had nothing to lose, "I had broken up with Tom," she paused again, looking at him without meeting his eyes, she was full of shame, foolish for believing that he even cared to listen, yet he didn't leave, "and instead of telling you what a great summer I hoped you'd have, I was going to tell you that I had feelings for you, and that I would love to go to the Hamptons with you. But-but then," she wiped angrily at the tears that had decided to fall, "you went away with Gina and didn't give me the time of day. And then when you left you'd said you would call, be back in the fall. Flash forward and I don't hear from you for months, what was I supposed to do! Wait all that time for you to call? To come back? Yeah right, you not calling for the first month told me all I needed to know. I was basically mourning a relationship we didn't even have. I was ready to let down my wall for you. But it seemed as though you didn't want it as much as I did. So I moved on after those two months. And I met Josh. And he was good to me. But then you come back and act like nothing's wrong, like you wanted to call but you waited for me to. I wasn't the one who promised to call. And with you back all my feelings got all messed up again and I couldn't love and care for Josh the way he did for me. And I hurt him, he was all in and I wasn't. Kind of sounds familiar doesn't it." Kate finished her emotions getting the best of her. He tears were still falling though she refused to let them silence her.
Castle immediately felt shame, anguish, guilt, and sorrow spread throughout his body. It finally all hit him at once. He did promise he would call. Had he forgotten that, no. He was just to much of an asshole to admit it. Hear she was, the woman he had eyes for since their first interaction, her heart open and vulnerable and he had the audacity to push her away. Whatta a jerk I am he thought to himself. He slapped himself over and over in his mind, wanting nothing more that to hug her and tell her that everything will be alright. Maybe it could be, he thought.
"I am an asshole," he began," and I'm-I'm sorry for not calling. I just-I got insecure that maybe you didn't want me to call. And then i come back all upset because you were with someone even though I was with someone too. I basically messed up your whole life and I'm sorry. I just-I wish more than anything-is there any way, any chance to make this right?" He asked, swallowing nervously.
"I don't know-I-I couldn't say." She said her gaze towards the ground.
"If you want me gone, just say the word Kate. I won't hold it against you and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I deserve it. For what I did."
"I need time. To think."
"Yes, of course anything."
"You should probably go."
"Right."
And with that he was gone. Would she ever see him again?
***
HEY PARTY PEOPLE, I FEEL like I keep disappointing you guys by not posting regularly life is pretty hectic so I'm trying my best. ALSO UPDATE, I have been working on a new story which is why I've been having delays on updating these oneshots. It'll be out soon and I will be updating both the oneshots and the new story regularly (or at least try to 😬) so that's all the news for now I hope you enjoy this oneshot
:)