There weren't many chances for me to leave town when I was still living my old life.
Sometimes, Stuart would give me his car and ask me to get some deliveries. There was that time I went to Disneyland with my family. But practically my whole life only settled on a place where everyone knew everybody and no one dared to leave. That's why I planned my future as someone who would salvage my family from obscurity.
So it was ironic how I was looking forward to seeing the one place I've longed to get out of my whole life.
"Are you nervous?"
Honestly, Phantasm looked more nervous than I was. For the first time since I met her, I saw pure shock on her face when I told her I needed to go back. She thought I was talking about a total reset but I told her I needed to go back to where I came from. I needed to know what happened to the things I left behind. And I guess, in its core, I missed my old life.
"I don't know what I'm feeling, to be honest," I answered. "I don't even know if this is the right thing to do."
Phantasm scooted closer to me, her words hushed so Jackson wouldn't hear us. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to reminisce about the past. What I'm wondering though is if it's just a peek into the past or if you're thinking about staying in it."
"It's weird because I thought I forgot about it all." Tall buildings I've gotten used to for a year were gone now and replaced with simple houses with simple people. "But then something pulled me back again."
"Remember when you and Sam had a fight because you said you couldn't make it to her play?" I turned my head at the mention of my sister's name. Phantasm smiled and chuckled. "You said, and I quote, 'I'm not going to rely on my wishes all the time. As much as possible, I want things to be done through my hard work'."
I felt my lips curve into a smile and was thankful that she was making me feel better. "And you said I was no fun."
"You've grown so much in only a year. You've grown confidence and learned how it's like to love someone and be loved in return. Regardless what happened in this life, you shouldn't regret a minute of it."
I smiled at her and rested my head on her shoulder. "It's not that I regret it, Phantasm. It's the fact that everything I have was given, never earned."
After that, the drive to my old home was silent with only the low hum of melody from the radio between us. The sun was high up in the sky once we arrived and there weren't many people outside, probably since it was the middle of the day on a weekday so everyone was either at school or at work.
Jonas slowed down since he didn't know the ins and outs of the town but I was all too familiar with it. Every house, every car, every smiling face—I knew them all. It was like I was never gone.
"Go straight and turn at the third street on the right," I instructed.
My heart raced as Jonas turned and I saw my house only a few meters ahead. I told him to stop in front of it and he looked between me and the house. He probably couldn't believe that someone like me could live in a house like this.
Phantasm followed me as I climbed out of the car. I slowly made my way to the front yard and kneeled in front of some bushes—or rather the remains of one. My mom told my dad that the yard would look good if we had some rose bushes planted in it. My dad was apprehensive about it, my mom wasn't really that good of a gardener. But when I asked for it too, he let up. I remember taking care of it with my mom.
And when my dad left, I was the only one left to take care of them.
But now, they were dead.
I stood up and walked to the front door. The wood was already rotting, along with the whole house. The knob only jiggled as I turned it but didn't open. Phantasm stepped beside me and looked at me knowingly.
"I wish the door was open." She nodded and turned the doorknob, opening the door for me.
The door creaked as Phantasm pushed it open. Dust immediately assaulted my face and I coughed a few times before I entered. The inside was empty and dark. The windows were boarded up so only small slivers of sunlight could peek through the cracks.
We made our way to the empty living room. There was no furniture anywhere and yet I still had a vivid image in my mind of where everything was.
"We had a small table here," I said, pointing to the middle of the room. Phantasm followed my gaze as I talked. "The TV was there," I pointed to the wall, "and a couch here, and a sofa here."
I walked over to the spot where the sofa was. "This is where my mom sat, waiting for my father to come back through that door," I said pointing at it. I can only imagine my mom staring at it, willing it to open. "But he never did."
Phantasm silently followed me upstairs as I opened the door to my bedroom.
Just like the living room, there was nothing left inside but dust, cobwebs, and memories. "This is where you fell on your butt," Phantasm said with an amused voice as she moved near the window.
"Why am I not surprised you remember that?"
"Well it was funny," she said as I rolled my eyes. "You downloaded the app and fell asleep. I had to wait for you the whole night."
"Then in the morning I just agreed to the terms and conditions without even thinking about it twice."
Phantasm gave me a sad smile. "No one ever does, don't be so hard on yourself."
After reminiscing a bit more, we made our way out into the hallway and walked to the stairs. However, a familiar door at the far end stopped me in my tracks. I slowly made my way to it and carefully turned the doorknob. I let out a shaky breath as I opened the door to Sam's room.
"Sam! Sam! Are you okay?"
I rushed to my sister's side as she cried, holding Penny close to her. "T—there w—was a mon—monster and was ch—chasing me," she said in between sobs.
"Shh, shh," I cooed as I laid beside her. She immediately clung to my side, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I could feel her whole body shaking against me. She must've really been scared. "It's okay, Sam. I'm here."
She cuddled closer to me as I gently caressed her head. For some reason, the action always helped calm her down and tonight was no exception. We stayed like that for a few more minutes until her sobs stopped.
"Y/N... don't leave me alone."
I placed a soft kiss on her head and continued to caress her hair. "Never, Sam. I will always protect you. Not only from the monsters but anything that causes you pain."
"You promise?"
"I promise I would stay with you, with mom, and with the people I love."
"Y/N? Are you okay?" A wayward tear fell from my eye as I looked up and saw Phantasm looking down at me. In one way or another, I ended up sitting on the floor with my back leaning on the wall. "Is something wrong? Are you hurt?"
My mind was still reeling from the memory as my heart pounded in my chest. "I was the one that said it to Sam. She remembered."
"What did you say?"
"I told her that I would stay with the people I love and she—she remembered," I replied, my voice cracking.
It was such a distant memory and yet my sister, who was only five years old at the time, took it to heart and always kept it with her. I was the one that said it and yet she was the one that constantly had to remind me. That's why she was so angry when I wouldn't come home.
Because I was breaking a promise I made to her all those years ago.
"I broke a promise because of this life." Phantasm reached her hand out and helped me get up. "Sam wouldn't be dead if I wasn't pretending to be someone I'm not."
"Are you angry at me?" she asked.
I shook my head in disagreement. Yes, it was easier to blame Phantasm but she was only following what I said. She was only giving me what I really wanted. And that selfishness killed my sister.
"My wish killed my sister."
-//-//-//-//-//-
Luckily Jackson didn't say anything when he saw my reddened eyes. He probably thought it was just because of the dust inside the house. He asked me if I was ready to go to the airport but I needed to visit one last place.
My phone rang as Phantasm instructed Jackson where to go. "Hello?"
"Hey, Y/N."
I sat straight up at the sound of Camila's voice. We haven't talked since our fight yesterday and we still haven't talked about her exposing our relationship to the public. "Camila, hey. Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah," she answered and I immediately noticed her wariness. "I was just wondering where you were. I called Jonas but he didn't know. Then I contacted Alessia and she—she didn't know either."
I debated whether to tell Camila the truth or not. But it only lasted for a second before I realized that we needed to trust each other and at this moment, I needed to be honest with her. "I took some time off. I needed to go back... to my old life."
"What do you mean?"
I smiled as we neared our destination. "I'm visiting the place I grew up in, the place I came from."
"Is everything okay? Why did you go back?"
"I guess I just needed a reminder of where I came from. I wanted to visit some old places, old friends."
Camila went silent on the other line and I was about to call her out when I heard her quiet voice through the speaker. "Just as long as you come back to the people you're with right now."
At any given time, I would've said yes without hesitation. But right now, with all these doubts and fears floating in my mind, I wasn't sure anymore.
And yet, I told Camila what she wanted to hear. "I'll always come back to you."
"I know. I love you, Y/N. We'll talk more when we get back."
"I love you more, Camila."
Phantasm nodded at me as soon as I hung up. We made our way to Stuart's convenience store. As soon as I opened the door, I heard the unmistakable ring of the bell he put up in the doorway. My eyes drifted to the register and I immediately smiled as I recalled all the times I've stayed behind it, dreaming of big things. However, my smile quickly fell as I realized that no one was manning it. Did Stuart not have help anymore?
"I see someone behind the shelves over there," I heard Phantasm say.
She led the way and we quietly made our way there. A boy, about my age, was seated on the floor with his back to us. He was scribbling something on a piece of paper while humming a tune I wasn't familiar with. Phantasm and I looked at each other before she poked him with her foot.
I glared at her as she shrugged but the boy nevertheless turned around and looked at us with wide eyes. "Holy shit!" he exclaimed. He scrambled to his feet with the pen and notebook clattering on the floor. He winced then quickly grabbed them but his arm swung into the shelves, knocking down some canned soup on the floor.
"Why does he remind me of you?" Phantasm mumbled under her breath. I nudged her with my elbow and bent down to help the boy.
"Hi there," I said after putting the cans back. "I'm—"
"Y/N L/N," he finished for me. "Oh my god I'm sorry about the mess I—I wasn't paying attention and—"
"Hey, it's okay," I said, trying to calm him down. "But shouldn't you be at the register? I mean you are on the job, right?"
"Y—you're right, sorry!" he said before he took off. Phantasm groaned but followed me back nonetheless.
The boy was standing stiff as he continued to stare at me. "Are you alone?" I asked. "Is Stuart not here?"
"N—no," he stuttered. "Uncle is at home resting. He—he's taking the night shift."
I tilted my head. "Uncle? You must be... Alex?"
He nodded so enthusiastically that I was afraid he might break his neck. "Yes, yes I am. Uncle has told me a lot about you. He always bragged about you as his favorite employee!" Alex scratched his chin. "Which is kinda weird since you were his only employee."
"Is Stuart well?"
"Yeah, he's doing great."
I noticed the notebook he was clutching in his hand and saw a few phrases with most of them crossed out. "Are you in college? Is that your homework?"
"Oh," he said and quickly hid the notebook behind his back. "No, no, I'm not in college. I mainly just work here and help Uncle out." He chewed on his lip before continuing. "This is actually the notebook I write my songs in."
"Songs?"
"I want to be a songwriter." You could practically see the sparkle in his eyes when he said those words. "I want people to hear my words. I want them to sing my songs. I want to touch people's hearts through my music."
We lived in the same town.
Worked the same job.
Dreamed the same dream.
"You're my role model," he said, grinning. "The way you went out of this suffocating town and made a name for yourself with your hard work and perseverance are the main points I hold on to when I feel like giving up. I might not reach the same level of fame as you but I know that if I keep at it like you did, I'll make it in the charts someday."
My eyes dropped to my feet at Alex's words. I didn't want to look at him—I couldn't. Not when he was basing his life or his dreams around the façade Phantasm created for me. How many more teenagers out there, kids even, look up to me when they're asked who their role model is? How many of them believed that I was a prime example of someone achieving their dreams through hard work?
How many of them believed the lie that was Y/N L/N?
I looked up at Alex and saw the eagerness in his eyes—the drive. I had that same look in my eyes before. I convinced myself that no one was going to stop me from achieving my dreams. And in the end, I never really achieved anything.
"Alex..." I started and gave him a sad smile. "No matter what happens, remember that anything is possible with hard work and... your family by your side. Never forget to make the people you love feel that you'll never leave them, okay?"
"Y—yes, I understand."
We left Alex after a while with a picture and an autograph. Phantasm didn't say anything to me on the way back to the car or even when I was just silently looking out the window. Once we got to the airport, however, she couldn't hide her curiosity anymore.
"What are you thinking?" she asked.
I could answer her question with a myriad of possibilities. However, looking at her now, I knew she had an idea of the things going on inside my mind.
"I should've known better than to think my dreams coming true wouldn't have a price," I said, gritting my teeth. "Even if my dreams were shattered before, at least I had my family with me. But now that my dreams came true... they're gone."
"Then it's a choice," Phantasm said. "Make yours."
"I already did."
"What is it?"
I closed my eyes, dreading the words that would come out of my mouth. No matter the choice, I would still lose something important to me. And I would never recover from that loss. Turning to Phantasm, I looked straight into her eyes and took a deep breath before taking that final step.
"I need to make things right."
-//-//-//-//-//-
My body felt sluggish as I walked to my hotel room. It wasn't because I was tired from flying around the whole day, it was because of the emotions brewing in my heart ever since I made my decision. I knew I had to make the wish sooner rather than later before I lose any more of my old life.
I slowly opened my door and immediately stopped in my tracks when I saw Camila seated on the bed, watching TV. She turned and stood up to meet me as I closed the door behind me. She stopped a few ways in front of me and I could see the hesitation in her eyes about taking that last step.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
She gave me a tight smile as she played with her hands. "Well, since everyone knows we're dating now, the front desk was all too willing to open the door for me."
I inwardly cursed myself for forgetting that Camila had a problem. "Wait what happened with the label? Did they get angry at you? Did they punish you for violating the contract or something?"
"Not much," she said, shaking her head. "LA got angry but the girls and I reasoned with him and told him he was being unfair. He let me go with a warning after that."
"Still," I countered, moving closer to her and placing my arms on her shoulders, "you were so adamant about following the contract. You shouldn't have said we were together if you didn't feel comfortable about it. I—I could've handled it," I lied.
Instantly, Camila noticed it and shook her head. "No, I was hurting you too much. It was obvious but I just chose to ignore it, I'm sorry." She looked down but not before I noticed tears in the corner of her eyes.
"Hey, no, Camila," I said, raising her head so she was looking at me. "It wasn't your fault. They made you do it."
"But still, I should've fought for us. I let them tell me what to do when I should've thought of you first."
"Shh, no it's okay," I said, wrapping my arms around her. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me closer. "It's okay, princess. We're okay."
I felt her shake her head and let out mumbled words. "No, I made you feel sidelined again. You don't deserve that, I'm sorry."
We just held each other in the middle of the room with only the low hum of the TV surrounding us. I kissed the top of her head and felt her relax under my touch.
"Hey, remember that party we all went to for the release of your song with Shawn?"
She looked up at me with puffy eyes filled with unwashed tears. "What about it?"
"That was actually the first time I realized I loved you," I said with a smile. "I was talking with Ally about you guys and she kinda felt that I was jealous, I guess? And because of her I realized my feelings for you."
Camila laughed and the sound echoed inside my head. "Do I have to thank Ally for this sudden realization?"
I rolled my eyes and kissed her nose. "When we broke up and I talked to Shawn, I told him that you guys were perfect together." She scrunched up her nose at me but I just continued. "But he said that he knows how much I love you. And even if it would hurt him, he would just support me."
Camila dropped her hands to my hips. "Shawn knows how much I love you. He knows it's always going to be you."
"I know that too."
"But why all this talk about the past?"
I placed my hands on her cheeks and traced her skin with my thumb. She looked beautiful as she looked up at me with expectant eyes. "I just want you to know that the best thing to come out of this life I have is meeting you. And if ever I'm not here anymore to tell you how much you mean to me, the people around us will tell you. They'll tell you my true feelings and how my heart beats your name."
She furrowed her eyebrows and stepped back from me. "Is—is something wrong? Why do you sound like you're leaving for a long time?"
I'm sorry, Camila, but this is one truth I can't tell you.
"No, I'm just telling you how much I love you."
"Are you sure? Because—"
"Come here," I said, pulling her closer to me again. "I will always be your platano, okay? And as this necklace you gave me said... I'll stay with you."
Her eyes were hopeful and her smile bright as she looked up into my eyes. "Do you promise?"
And just like I lied to my sister all those years ago, I also lied to the person I loved more than anything in the world.
"I promise."
-//-//-//-//-//-
It was three in the morning and I was still awake.
No matter what I do, sleep evaded me tonight and I think I knew why. Moving off my bed, I made my way to the balcony and looked down at the busy street below. Cars and people still littered the street even though it was the middle of the night. Various people going about their day with no idea of the inner battle I was having with myself.
"I think it's about time we talked." I didn't need to turn around to know who it was. She stepped beside me and leaned over the balcony, seeing the exact same things I was. "Are you undoing everything?"
I sighed and faced her. There was no way this act could last forever. Everything about this was wrong, even if this was what I've wanted for myself all along. "It's been fun, P, and I appreciate you doing this for me. But the fact is... this life has done me more bad than good."
"Is Camila not a good thing?"
She is the only thing making this decision hard for me because she's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love her and she loves me, what more can I ask? But the Y/N in front of her wasn't really me. It was a glorified Y/N, the rich, talented, award winning one. I know she told me she loved me for who I was but I was still lying to her.
I don't want to lose her but knew that, as the Y/N I was now, can't keep her either.
"I'm sorry, I know this is hard," Phantasm said when I stayed silent. "But I also know you've made a decision."
"I just hope it's the right one."
Phantasm smiled and placed her hand over mine on the railing. "Just as long as it's from the heart, I have no doubt that it's the decision you need to make."
"I hope so," I quietly said.
"You can't wish for it yet, unfortunately. New day, new requirement, right?"
I chuckled and looked up at the moon. "What's my last requirement, P?"
She followed my gaze and watched the bright orb hanging atop us. "Your sister was happy when you were there with her in her final moments. She was happy she got to see you one last time." She looked back at me. "And I have no doubt the others would be aswell."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't leave without telling the people you love how much they mean to you. Even though you can't tell them a proper goodbye, they deserve to know that they helped you grow into a better, more determined person."
She stepped closer to me and held my face in her hands. "Then maybe this time, you won't regret as much when you finally leave them."
Deep inside, I knew she was right. The people I've met, Fifth Harmony, Shawn, Macy—everyone—all deserved to know that because of them, I became a better person. And yet there was one person in my mind, and in my heart, that I knew would be the hardest to let go. Could I really let go of the girl who taught me what it felt like to love someone? Could I imagine a life without the girl that loved me despite of my flaws?
Could I really say goodbye to Camila Cabello?
A/N: Holy shït only two chapters left 😭