Interhigh is starting today. The smell of sweat and rubber and wax taints the air around me as I warm up with the rest of Touou's team, but I'm not feeling especially happy today. Our opponents are tall and intimidating and they keep jeering at me with eyes that make me especially uncomfortable. I can't decide whether to shrink into myself or punch them in the face, and neither of those options are particularly helpful in any way.
Wakamatsu's complaining yet again about Daiki's frequent absence. Although distracted, I do my best to pay him proper attention, all the attention I can afford, as I stretch my arms out more thoroughly. "Just be happy he's showing up at all." I say with a sigh as the blond groans with frustration. "There's nothing any of us can do to make him appear more."
I warm up in less time than the others do even though I take longer to stretch out. The opposing team, some no-name from who knows where, looks like a bunch of convicts. It's rude of me to say so, to even phrase such a sentence in such a way, but I have no other method for describing them. If looks could kill, I'd probably be dead by now. Who knows? Hopefully I won't be by the end of the game. I just want to win this, nice and easy, no emotions involved and no difficulty.
From the looks of things, Daiki won't get here until the second half. I don't know what he's doing, but he's probably waiting for them to warm up properly so he'll have something to play with. If that's the case, I'll get the first half and he'll get the second. If, on the off chance he shows up within the next ten minutes, he'll get the first half and I'll get the second. I feel pity for the other team, but not enough to make me ignore their stares.
"Alex, why are they staring at you like that?" Daiki's voice surprises me as I spin to face him.
"Daiki!" I say in surprise, my mouth splitting into a grin. "You actually showed up!" The bluenette scratches the back of his head awkwardly as he dribbles a basketball carelessly.
"You didn't answer my question." He states flatly, watching Touou warm up with disinterested eyes. I shrug.
"I don't know. They've been doing it for a while now. I just want to win." Daiki sends the taller players rather evil-looking glares, ones I've never really seen before. They're enough to send chills racing down my spine.
I think there's some unspoken rule that Daiki and I can never be on the court at the same time. I don't really blame them for that, although it annoys me. Their logic makes sense. There's no game if we both are on the court, just the two of us competing with each other. It kind of makes my chest ache.
As expected, Daiki is the first to play the court. He doesn't look all that excited. If anything, it looks like Daiki just wants to get this quarter over with. I'm guessing he won't stay in for much longer than that.
It's always captivating to watch Daiki play. Whether he knows it or not, his movements on the court take my breath away. All I see are fluid steps. Everything flows gracefully into the next. Predatory. Daiki is predatory. Daiki is overwhelming and powerful and seemingly all consuming. I can't look away.
I could probably watch him play all day and never once look away. Unfortunately, when the bluenette glances at me before continuing down his path of destruction, I know this is when I'll have to. I'm not up for watching spirits crumble or determination fade into hopelessness. This is why I'm always second on the court. My job isn't necessarily to help us win, especially since it's usually a given, but rather to build the team up just for the sake of breaking them down again. I hate my job the most out of all the things I've done.
The two-minute break between the first and second quarters starts when I look back up. "So, the plan is for Hai-chan to come in after halftime. Any objections?" Yeah, me, but I can't say anything. I don't have that right.
"I don't want to play anymore." Daiki says suddenly, looking at the scoreboard with disinterest. "They aren't good enough to be my opponents."
"Daiki." I hiss furiously. "You don't just say that about other people! That's rude." Blue eyes glare daggers at me, but I meet them evenly.
"They won't even be enough to challenge you, idiot. Look at them. There's no way for you to build them up again." He points at the other team.
Why is it always me that has to witness the destruction of hopes and dreams? I get that the score is horrible to play against, but... it kills me inside to watch them stand tall only to fall, never to get up. My chest feels empty and dark. "Hai-chan, we're putting you in this quarter." I barely manage to acknowledge Satsuki's command.
"Daiki..." I say when I glance back at him. "Don't say something like that around me again. I won't forgive you." I can hear Satsuki telling him off, and Imayoshi is trying to tell me something, but I'm practically dead to anything outside myself. My chest is heaving with effort and anger.
"Heights!" I'm shocked into awareness as Imayoshi drops his hand on my head. "Let them get a few. Got it?" I glance up at him angrily.
"I know how to do this better than you do. I'll have them fixed by the end of the quarter." I reply as I knock his hand from the top of my head. For the first two minutes, I do nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm moving and it looks like I'm putting in some sort of effort, but in all honesty, I'm just following the ball. My heart is sinking.
We do let them shoot. They get fifteen points consecutively until Satsuki barks out another order. "Hai-chan! Time to get to work." I raise an eyebrow at the order. Don't we usually wait a bit longer? The second half is when we damage them most. I sigh, push my bangs to the side, and draw in a deep breath. "What's she doing?"
The tall boy beside Susa looks a little too interested in my movements, and it sets me on edge. I'll just avoid him, work on moving past his teammates. I disappear from view, sprinting down the court toward the opposite hoop and waiting for my teammates to catch up. It's more fun when everyone's involved, and not just myself. We take back the lost points easily.
"I bet you can't beat Aomine's record." My eyebrow raises in what I hope shows my vast and uncontainable irritation.
"Why does it matter?" I reply angrily. It's hard to resist the Zone as it tries to wash over me. My mind is clearing and my observation is going into overdrive. I can't not focus, and I can't relax anymore. Not like this. My chest is beginning to feel dark and brooding. I must be crazy- I'm the only person I know who'd ever fight the Zone.
It's embarrassing, though. Daiki can always tell what goes on in the Zone, especially since he can force his way in, but it doesn't work like that for me. My body trembles with the urge to play until I break. My Zone is too dangerous to use. My sense of self flies out the window, chased by any sense of self-preservation. I can only hold it off, just barely, and someone as dense as the bluenette is the only one who can tell.
Daiki whispers something to Satsuki, who starts arguing with him. I can't pay them any attention. I'm trying to build these guys up, but every fiber in my body is screaming a resounding "no." I won't last long like this. I hate the Zone, I hate this game, and right now, I really hate Imayoshi.
The emotions that plague me are fading. My eyes are tracking movements I no longer care to see. My breathing evens, my body stands erect and ready, and my skin hungers for the feel of the ball. All is replaced by a sense of calm urgency, an all-consuming desire to crush the boys before me. Consequences? Who cares about things like that? The end justifies the means, right?
I want to push this feeling away. I want to keep my head, my sense of self. I don't want another injury. We can't all get what we ask for. I can keep the Zone in check as I manipulate passes toward Sakurai, but not all goes as planned. I turn in place, only to see a wall of solid green before me. The green does in fact turn out to be a jersey, a rather unflattering one, worn by someone taller than Daiki and Wakamatsu. My eyes widen, and I'm glad I don't have the ball. Unfortunately, boys are idiots. This one picks me up, right in the middle of the game, where everyone can see. I struggle as much as possible, although it doesn't help.
"Oi!" Daiki's voice resounds across the court, drawing attention to my rather uncomfortable predicament. My skin crawls. Wakamatsu's voice soon chase's Daiki's as he crosses over and starts to yell.
"Put her down! Who do you think you are, picking up a girl like that?" The blond sounds angry, and it doesn't help that Sakurai's gone into clutch mode, Imayoshi is actually widening his eyes, and Susa is looking irritated.
The boy holding me laughs as I try to kick him away. "You shouldn't be playing. You're too short, plus you're a girl. What do you think you're doing here? Is your school really that desperate? Maybe we overestimated Touou Gakuen." He says, eyes narrowing malevolently. "If you keep doing that, I might just drop you."
Somehow, the threat of being dropped quite violently doesn't really seem like much of a threat. I can take a beating. I know how to keep myself going. As promised, I drop like a stone to the rather unforgiving wood floor, skidding back across the waxed floor. My wrist hurts from acting as a buffer for my fall. I'm lucky it's my right- we have a better chance of winning when I don't use that hand.
The Zone is clawing at my throat. The player is penalized, ejected from the game. My mouth splits into a hungry snarl. "Give me the ball." I say to Imayoshi, my eyes darkening as I submit to the Zone. Forget sense of self and preservation. Forget consequences and injuries. I'm ready to make this team bleed. The world rushes by in a blur of green and black and orange and brown.
I'm not an unforgiving player. I'm lenient and usually very optimistic and kind of supportive, but I don't have the patience for any of that today. Call me the Ice Queen or a Demon or whatever floats your boat. I'm not going to focus on anything but the destruction of the other team. I don't care if it means nine injuries and a broken jaw. I'm ready to paint the floor red and stain the air with iron. I'm not a very good sportsman.
The rest of the second quarter passes by so fast that I don't remember much of it at all. My heart is calm, my mind is rational, and my body is easily commanded. I only return to reality for a while when halftime comes about. A heavy hand ruffles my hair, and I smack it away with nothing but irritation playing across my face. "What's got your panties in a knot?" Daiki asks, bored as usual, staring at his nails before making eye contact with me.
He freezes then, staring at me, before I huff angrily and glare at the court in front of me. "Satsuki." I can vaguely hear Daiki talking seriously before it's time to get back onto the court. I can't help but try to find some other way to vent this unusual anger. I don't know what's wrong, but all it's doing is making me play harder. I doubt there's anything seriously wrong with it. Things start to slip from me once more. I'm sinking deeper and deeper. It feels like I'm drowning. I won't be coming out for a long time, it seems.
Things don't seem to matter anymore. My universe is centered around a round, orange ball that's too bouncy for its own good. My eyes sting when sweat drips into them, and my skin is starting to become overly damp. I'm going to burn out if this game doesn't get paced accordingly. My heart beats a steady, calm rhythm. Something's amiss, but that can be easily ignored. Nothing will get by me.
Offense has always been my domain, even if I've played all over. Aggressive is my middle name, and competitive blood flows through my veins. I'm not afraid of playing hard, playing rough, playing dirty. All of that can easily be avoided, and all it takes is a blow to someone's spirit. I've already gotten that far. I don't need to watch the scoreboard or the clock. The scent of sweat propels me forward, the squeak of shoes on the court drives me.
Sei's going to be angry. He hates my Zone almost as much as I do, but we've never held back from using it. If using it is what it takes to win, by all means, use the damn thing. Thoughts I try to form are silenced as I continue onward. The third quarter passes by in a blur, just like the quarter before it. A two-minute break is awarded. "How the hell did you get out of being triple-teamed?" Susa asks as I thump down on the bench.
Triple-teamed? I don't think that happened, but whatever. I'd answer, but the game is consuming all my thoughts. I can't go back to think, I have to move forward and destroy our opponents. Winning is everything. Losers always fail, they're always wrong. Sei's mantra has saved us on more than one occasion, and I'm more than willing to comply with it. Sei's been right many times. I'll place my faith in him.
The faint thought that Tetsuya would be disappointed in my thinking almost snaps me out of the Zone, but realizing this is what it takes to win brushes the instant aside. I have to win. I need to win. There's no way we'll continue if we lose here. We have to continue, we need to win Interhigh. I want to play against Kagami and Tetsuya. I want to play against Seijuurou. I want to play Ryouta and Shintarou and Atsushi. I won't let a stupid little team like this one stop us.
"-ai! Hai!" I glance slightly at the voice that repeats my name like a broken record. "Time to go back out." They won't be pulling me out? That's good, especially since my blood is boiling and my temper's rising and my body's ready to burst into action. I won't be content until this team grovels or gives up, especially after picking me up. It won't take long either way. Sei taught me how to play, taught me how to think, how to act. I'll put everything on the line this time. My teammates are capable of picking up any slack I leave behind. I'll trust them this time.
My heart trips for the first time all game. My breath hitches. I don't know what just happened, but something didn't like it. The fourth quarter is almost completely smooth sailing. My heart starts tripping more often. My movements are slowing ever so slightly. We only have two minutes left. I will play until I break.
I think, in some weird, twisted way, I do break. My thoughts run rampant, all focused on not losing this one game. We're nowhere close to losing. My eyes are looking for patterns. The other team has given up. What am I supposed to do? I'm sinking too far into the Zone, and it feels like I'm the only one who knows this. Can Daiki read this far into the Zone? His ability with it is astounding, but he has his limits as well. My pulse is racing. Sweat is dripping down the side of my face. I can't help but take huge, heaving breaths every once in a while. What am I to do? I can't escape the Zone no matter how hard I struggle to reach normality. I always lose.
Why is nobody bothering to stop me? Why do I have to torment myself with the faces of defeat and the knowledge that the only one who ever challenges me is Daiki? Why can't I give up right now, go home, get some sleep, stop hurting? Why do I put up with being used in this way? Why can't my captain pull me out, my manager bench me? Why do I need to see this every time I play?
I wonder if I hate this game. I wonder if it makes me gnash my teeth and snarl at others. I wonder what good basketball has ever done me, and why I'm even bothering to play anymore. I wonder if my thoughts are painted across my face, and if they're plain as day to those who watch. I wonder if Kagami or Tetsuya or Seijuurou or even Daiki are disappointed in me. I wonder why it matters.
The game is called soon enough, and all I can focus on is why I have to win. Why can't I go home? Why can't I lose? Why does my Zone overwhelm me? Someone's speaking to me, but my Zone only filters all the noise out. I wonder why I'm always stuck like this.