Sam's face looked just like any other night I would come to her room and see her sleeping.
Her eyes were tightly closed and a small, carefree smile painted her lips. She was in the same position as the time I read her a story to get her to sleep. Cinderella, I think. She always loved princesses. The way she laid there quietly was also reminiscent of the time I calmed her down after a fit of crying because she woke up from a nightmare. She fell asleep in my arms and I fell asleep content I protected my sister from her monsters.
The only difference now was that I looked at her from beyond a pane of glass.
Turning around, I was met by the sad glances of the people who came for Sam or to support my family. Macy was here, along with some of the other bodyguards. Some of the friends I made were also here like Shawn and Nick, even the girls of Fifth Harmony. Sofi was crying in the arms of her parents. I can only imagine the pain she was feeling right now. She just met a friend and now—now she was gone.
The sound of my shoes on the tiled floor of the church broke the serene silence inside it. Macy walked over and joined me on the front pews.
"Is she—is she okay?" I whispered. Macy looked at the other pew next to us and shook her head.
My mom was seated alone at the corner and had her eyes drawn to the floor. Macy told me that she passed out when she found out about Sam and that she hasn't talked since. She wouldn't even talk to me even when I tried so hard to reach out to her. She couldn't even look at Sam's body and that's what hurt me the most.
"I heard her murmur something on the plane," Macy said.
"What is it?"
"She probably thought no one was listening but I heard her say 'everyone's leaving'." Macy looked up at me with reddened eyes. "What does that mean?"
First, dad, and now, Sam. My mother was right, everyone is leaving and never coming back. She must be feeling betrayed, the same way she felt when dad left. When I came home to Miami, she told me how broken she was when my father left and now, she was feeling that again ten-fold.
"Don't leave her, Macy," I croaked out. "Please."
Macy wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my arm. "I won't. I'll be here." She pulled away after a few minutes and rummaged through her pockets. She suddenly pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.
"What's this?" I asked, reaching for it.
"That's the letter Sam left your mom before she went to LA."
My fingers traced along the smooth stationary paper. I felt a smile tug on my lips as I remembered her asking me for it constantly when I was still working at the convenience store. Stuart got a shipment of stationary paper right in time before school started so he knew it would sell well. Sam came to visit me and saw them immediately. She ran to me and asked me to buy it for her and I refused. Stuart even told me he could give it to Sam for free but I declined which left my sister huffing and puffing out of the store.
Little did she know that on the morning of her first day of school, she would get all the different kinds of colors and styles of stationary inside a brand new bag I bought for her.
Before I could stop it, a wayward tear falls on the paper I was holding. I quickly wiped my eyes and hugged Macy.
"Thank you, Macy. Thank you for giving me this memory."
I was about to open the letter and read it when I heard murmurs from the back of the church. Once I turned around, I immediately found the source to be Drew's sudden entrance. He had a suit on with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. Macy noticed me grit my teeth and immediately gripped my hand.
On the night Sam died, I didn't feel anything but sadness overwhelm me. And I let it, sadness was better than feeling numb after all. But when I woke up the next morning, that sadness was replaced by anger and I needed someone to blame. First, I blamed God for taking such a young life from her family. But my anger was not satiated. Then I started blaming Jason for driving recklessly. However, I realized that he was only helping Sam. And right now, he was in a hospital bed in a coma. The truck driver was the only person left. But how could I blame someone who died on the spot?
And that's why my eyes landed on Drew. Deep inside, I knew it wasn't his fault. I knew Sam was smart and would've done everything she could if she wanted to see me. But as I pulled my hand from Macy's grip and stalked towards him, there was only blind rage in my features.
Someone had to take the blame.
Before he could defend himself, I landed a punch square on Drew's jaw. He fell on one of the pews but I was relentless. I grabbed the front of his shirt and punched him again. There had to be some special place in hell I was going to for punching someone inside a church but right now, I didn't care.
"You killed her!" I heard myself shout as another punch landed on his face.
I felt hands grab my arms and body to pull me away from him. I flailed against them and managed to kick Drew's chest before they completely restrained me. As they helped him stand up, I watched the blood flow from Drew's mouth and eyebrow. All I could think about was that it wasn't enough. He needed to bleed like my sister did. He needed to feel the same pain my sister did.
"How dare you," I started, still flailing around. "How dare you call yourself a bodyguard?"
Drew wiped away the blood dripping from his mouth with his sleeve. He leaned on someone for support and looked at me. "You're right," he breathed out. "I don't... deserve to be a bodyguard."
"You don't deserve to live! You should be dead, not Sam!"
"Don't you think I thought about that?" he yelled back. "Don't you think I wish I took her place? Don't you think I wish I was on that casket right now instead of her? Every single fucking minute I do."
"You killed her," I said through gritted teeth. "When you put her on that plane, you killed her."
He chuckled bitterly. "Sure... blame me because it's easy. You think I'm the one that killed Sam? Why don't you look in a mirror?"
I could feel everyone's gaze land on me as his words echoed throughout the hollow walls. But I didn't back down and began flailing even harder. "You asshole!"
"No, you're the asshole!" he bit back. "Do you know what Sam said to me on that plane ride? She told me you'd changed! She told me you weren't the sister she knew anymore!"
By now, I was slack against the arms holding me back. "You—you're lying."
His laugh echoed throughout the hollowed walls of the church. "Why would I lie? I probably won't ever get a job because of this. Because everyone would blame me like you are. Everyone would throw stones at me as I walk down the street for killing Y/N L/N's sister. So tell me, what cause do I still have to lie?" He chuckled and looked away from me. "You only think it's a lie because you can't accept the truth."
"No, I—"
"You can't accept the truth that you killed your sister." No one dared say a word against Drew's accusation. "She missed you so much. She missed your jamming sessions in the car." I let out a choked breath at his words. It was something that happened before Phantasm. He couldn't have known that unless—
"Your sister told me about your past. Think I'm lying yet?" The arms around me all pulled away and I was left gaping at Drew. "She missed the times when she was your biggest fan—your only fan. Then what happened? When you got famous you stopped talking to her anymore. You get angry when she calls you. She told me she was scared that you would leave like someone."
My father.
"But even after all of that, you know what she said?" Drew stopped, as if wanting to delay the inevitable. "She said she still loved you. Even after all the shit that you put her through, she still loved you. So don't blame this all on me when one five hour flight to Miami could've saved your sister."
Drew stepped closer to me and for a second, I thought he was going to say something else. But he just shook his head and made his way to Sam's coffin. He left me there, stunned, and under the scrutiny of watchful eyes. I looked around and was met with different emotions. Some were looking at me with contempt, some were looking at me expectantly, while some—
My eyes locked with Camila's.
Some eyes were looking at me with love that I didn't deserve.
Before I knew it, I was already running out of the church and towards my car. I didn't know where to go, I just knew I needed to get away. Voices called out my name from behind me but I didn't look back.
After battling with other cars on the road, I finally found myself back in my hotel room. I slid down the door and buried my face in my hands.
Is it true, Sam? Did I kill you?
A crumpling sound in my pocket pulled me out of my thoughts as I remembered the letter Macy gave me. Opening the letter was difficult as I tried to keep my shaking hands at bay. But as I read the letter and imagined Sam talking beside me, her voice soothed the static in my head.
Dear mom,
Okay, don't be mad. Who am I kidding? You're probably furious. But calm down, okay? I am not kidnapped or anything like that. I actually left on my own. Thank you for cooking waffles for breakfast, you know they're my favorite. Thank you too for giving me the locket with our family picture inside of it. I almost cried when I saw it. Just, thank you for being who you are mom.
But the one gift I want is my sister.
That doesn't mean I don't appreciate all you're doing for me mom but I miss her really badly. We've never been apart for this long and I know I'm being selfish but I want to at least see her on my special day. That's why I'm going to Los Angeles to go to her. Don't worry, I won't be alone, I'll find some way to trick Drew into coming with me.
You know, mom, ever since dad left, I've always been scared of people leaving. Sometimes I wonder if someone's gonna tell me I love you one day then leave the next. That's why I want to spend time with Y/N. So that even if she leaves, at least I did something to make her stay. Unlike when dad left where I didn't do anything. So I would have no regrets. Maybe I could even stop her from turning into dad. I could only hope.
Anyway, I'll be back soon. I'll try to come back with Y/N, I know you miss her too. I love you mom! Don't get mad. I promise I'll eat the cake you bought when I come back. It's a blueberry cheesecake right? My favorite!
Love,
Your cute little daughter who you should totally not ground when she comes back
The tears started to fall and I held the letter close to my heart. At the end of the day, Sam was the one protecting me. She was the one stopping me from turning into my very own father—the one person I hated. There were so many things I wanted to tell Sam that I couldn't now. Why did it take her death for me to realize just how precious she was to me?
Slowly, I crawled my way to my bed and sat on the edge. I placed the paper on my nightstand and pulled out my phone. For some reason, Phantasm's expressionless face was better than the pity and sympathy I've been greeted with the whole day.
"Y/N—"
"Can I get a free wish? Please? Just this once?" I begged.
She looked at me with uncertainty but answered nonetheless. "What is it?"
"I wish you were standing in front of me right now."
She sighed then gave me a sad smile. "You don't need to wish for that," she said before the app closed. "I can do that all by myself."
I looked up and saw Phantasm standing near the door. Her eyes were solely on me as I stood up and made my way towards her. The moment I stood in front of her, I immediately knelt and bowed my head.
"Y/N, what are you—"
"Please... please," I whispered, my tears free falling. "Please make Sam live again." I looked up at her and saw the sadness there. "I wish my sister was alive again... please."
She bent down and wiped the tears on my cheeks. "Y/N... you know I can't."
And she was right, I knew it and yet still tried anyway. It was one of her terms, written just below undoing wishes.
It was written that the dead cannot be wished alive again.
I remembered laughing when I read it, even agreed with her that it would be messy. Phantasm could only change the way you lived your life but not give it or take it away. But I was desperate and if I couldn't bargain with God, I would bargain with the next best thing.
"Phantasm please... it's Sam... please."
But as I looked into her face, I knew there was no hope for me anymore. She crouched down and held me in her arms as I cried into her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm sorry."
-//-//-//-//-//-
By some sort of miracle, or maybe Sam's silent urging, I made my way to the cemetery just in time for the funeral.
All eyes were on me for a second and I noticed that this side of the cemetery was closed off to the public if the numerous suited men walking around were any indication. My mom was seated on one of the seats with Macy next to her. I decided against sitting with them and made my way under a tree where I watched the ceremony from a distance.
I would catch Camila's glances here and there but she didn't do anything else. It was Lauren that stood up and joined me under the tree. She held my hand as words about my sister were spoken.
"Does the family of the deceased have anything to say before the coffin is let down?"
Everyone turned their heads toward me while I looked at my mom. She was still in a blank state until now. Would she ever recover from it? I bit my lip as I mulled over my choices. As I was thinking, I felt Lauren's hand squeeze mine. She smiled as I looked up at her.
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to."
But that was just the thing. Losing Sam made me realize that you should tell the people you love everything before they're gone. Tell them the truth while they're still there to listen to you. So I pulled my hand from Lauren's grip and walked over to the casket. My heart was racing, but not because of nervousness, but because I didn't want to let Sam down anymore.
"My name is Y/N, I'm Sam's sister. Of course you all know that. But Sam... Sam didn't feel that way." I glanced at the coffin then back at the crowd. "She felt like I wasn't there for her... and I don't blame her. I got angry whenever she called and I always... put her in the sidelines." I looked down as the words flowed from my mouth, refusing to meet Camila's gaze.
"But she still loved me. And as I held her hands in mine, with her dying breath, she taught me the most important lesson of all." I took a deep breath and surveyed the crowd. "And it's to never leave. She told me to stay with the people I love. She told me to stay with my mom. She told me to stay with—" I stopped myself and looked at Camila. My sister must've known how much I loved her and that's why she told me to stay with her.
I cleared my throat and continued. "That's why even if I dealt a hand in what happened, I'm still here talking to all of you. There were so many things I wanted to tell Sam, and now I can't tell her any of it. That's why it's important to say what you want at this exact time while they're still there beside you. Because you never know when they'll be gone... forever."
I walked behind the casket and placed my hand on it. "Sam, you told me of a time when you were my biggest fan. But what you didn't know was that by showing me your strength, courage, and kindness, I am your biggest fan. And this song... this song is for you."
The song I've written at my hotel room the night Sam died, filled my head. She was always the first one to get excited whenever I sang her one of my songs and I could only hope that wherever she is, she was happy that I made a song just for her.
Yes, I do, I believe, that one day I will be
Where I was, right there, right next to you
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, and the stars are nothing without you
All eyes were on me as I traced my hand over the coffin. Even my mom was looking at me, curious to the words spilling from my lips.
Told me not to cry when you are gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong
There were times when I cried and I know Sam would get angry at me if she was here. But today, at this minute, I held back my tears as I wanted my sister to hear just how much I miss her everyday.
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you
And I don't want to be here
If I can't be with you tonight
I hope I protected Sam enough, took care of her enough, that she remembers just how much I really loved her. Even though she's gone, I hope she was happy with me.
I'm reaching out to you, can you hear my call
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy
The chorus came again and I watched some of the guests crying. Macy was in tears next to my mom along with Fifth Harmony—except Camila. She looked at me with a small smile on her face as she gave me a light nod.
As soon as the song finished, we were bathed in silence again. I walked away from the coffin but didn't stop until I reached my car. I looked up at the cloudless sky and smiled.
Sam, I know you're up there and I know you're watching. I miss you, I really do. But I know that I can't bring you back either. Don't worry, I'll keep my promise to you, I won't be like dad. I will stay with the people I love. Just like you stayed and believed in me when I pushed you away. I love you, Sam. I'll see you... someday.
And when that time comes, I will be the sister you deserve.
-//-//-//-//-//-
An hour later, I was back in my hotel room again. Macy texted me something about a reception but I had no more energy to go. I just wanted to curl up under the blankets and let sleep overtake me. At least there, I could see Sam again.
I don't know how long I was asleep for when a knock on my door woke me up. Instead of getting up, however, I just covered my face with a blanket and used the force to try and convince them to leave me alone.
But the incessant knocking was pissing me off and I stalked to the door with the blanket wrapped around my whole body like a nun.
"What?!" I yelled the moment I opened it. I took a step back in surprise as the girl in front of me flinched.
"I... was not expecting that welcome," she said, rubbing her arms.
I looked behind her to see if anyone else was there. "Camila, what are you doing here?"
"I just—you shouldn't be alone."
"Who told you that?"
"Me."
"And I'm telling you to leave me alone," I countered, pushing the door closed. But she stopped it with her foot and pushed it back open.
"You are a mess and I—you have to let people be there for you," she said.
I was about to argue with her when a dull pain crossed my temple. Arguing with her when I was on the verge of collapse wasn't doing anything for my health. So I waved her away and walked back to my bed. "Do what you want, I'm gonna sleep."
I dropped back down on my bed and closed my eyes. I heard a low thud and prayed that it was Camila leaving but when I heard shuffling behind me, I knew she was inside the room. Not even five minutes later, I felt the bed dip and the moment I opened my eyes, I knew the reason why.
Camila was beside me on the bed.
Her long, brown hair fell around her face like a waterfall while her eyes looked into mine. She tucked her hair behind her ear so I could see into her brown eyes and I felt my heart race at the sight.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Whenever Sofi was sad, she would always ask me to stay in bed with her."
"Camila, I'm not an eight year old girl," I said, rolling my eyes.
"No, but everyone deserves to know someone's there for them, right?"
Maybe she was right. Because as I felt her warmth at our closeness, my heart grew calm and the static in my head grew silent. I knew it wasn't just because she was here for me. I knew it was also because the person I loved was beside me.
"Right... I'm just gonna sleep then," I said, closing my eyes. Two seconds later, I opened them again and saw Camila staring at me. "Stop staring."
"Stop pretending that you're even sleepy."
Damn it, she was right. I wasn't even sleepy, just tired. It was like my whole body didn't want to function anymore yet my mind was filled with overloaded thoughts.
"When did you write that song?" she asked.
I shuffled around the bed until I was lying on my back. It was better to look at the ceiling than looking into Camila's hypnotizing eyes. "The day of the accident."
"It's beautiful."
"Thanks," I replied with a nod of my head. "Do you think Sam heard it?"
"She did and I'm sure she's proud of you." I turned my head towards Camila and immediately regretted my decision when I saw her smiling at me. It was such a long time since I saw that smile directed towards me.
"How would you know that," I whispered. Her hand suddenly reached out and lightly pinched my cheek. "Ow."
"Because Sam and I are the same."
I rubbed my cheek and furrowed my eyebrows. "Why is that?"
"We both think you're an asshole," she said and I froze. "You left us when we needed you the most." I was about to say something when her hand reached out for me again but this time, caressed my cheek. "But we have another thing in common. We both love and care for you. That's why I'm sure Sam was proud of you and she would've wanted me to be here for you."
"Camila, I—"
"Don't," she interrupted. "Don't think about us today. Today is Sam's day."
I thought about everything that Sam told me and laid on my side so that Camila and I were face to face again. She looked at me curiously but a small smile was still on her lips.
"I should tell you to leave," I said. "It's better for us to stay away from each other and just move on."
Camila looked at me for a few minutes before speaking up. "Do you want me to leave?"
My reply wasn't a yes or a no. It was a movement, a push, a wrap of hands around her as she rested her head on my chest. I rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head as I felt her relax under my touch.
"I'm tired of people leaving," I said. "I need people who would stay."
Camila looked up at me and our faces were mere inches apart that I thought she was gonna take that last step. But she just smiled and wrapped her arms around me too. "Then I will. If you need me, then I'll stay."
I wanted to tell her to stay forever but knew it wasn't the place to say it yet. Maybe after all the pain and confusion we could find each other again. And when that happens, we wouldn't let each other go anymore. As the steady breathing of the girl beside me became my lullaby, Sam's words continued to echo in my ear before sleep finally caught up to me.
Stay with the people you love.
A/N: Tbh "Stay" would be a good alternative title for this fic. But I think half the people who decided to read this was because they were curious about the word "Phantasm" 😂🤔