I didn't want to go to school, but I knew I had to. I didn't feel sick, but I definitely might have been after I saw Blake.
I wasn't judging him for having schizophrenia. It honestly didn't bother me. What bothered me was that I had absolutely no way to tell him that I knew his secret. I didn't know how he would react to me knowing.
"Wake up, Leah!" I heard someone call from above me, but I didn't move from my spot on my bed. "Leah, don't make me jump on your bed! You know I will!"
"That's not going to make me get up," I grumbled, rolling over and away from Cassie. "You do that almost every time you try to wake me up and you know it never works."
"But I could just get a bucket of ice water and poor it all over you," Cassie negotiated, and I didn't like the sound of that. She had only done it once before, and I nearly strangled her for it. Was she really going to risk death again?
"I don't feel well," I groaned, and it wasn't exactly a lie. "Just let me stay home."
Cassie made a face. "Not about to happen."
After another fifteen minutes of us fighting with each other, I finally got out of bed so she wouldn't continue talking. She was giving me even more of a headache than I already had...
Cassie looked very proud of herself that she had gotten me out of bed, and I said nothing to her the whole way to school. We were already late anyway...
My first period was dance, and it went by with me falling all over the place because all I could concentrate on was Blake. Cassie was in this class with me, and she was looking at me as if I was insane the entire time. Finally, Mrs. Bencherelli made me sit out because I just couldn't do anything right.
After that class, I made my way to English nervously. When I finally got in front of the classroom, all I could do was stare at the door, telling myself that I should have just ditched class so I wouldn't have to face Blake just yet.
"Hey, Leah," Jane greeted, suddenly appearing right next to me as I continued to stand in front of the door. "Are you okay? You're kind of pale."
I looked at the girl, the only other person in the school who knew Blake's secret, not counting the teachers. She had found out around the same time Blake had found out, and I couldn't help but feel jealous. Even though I knew neither of them when they had found out...
"I've just, uh, been feeling kind of sick today, that's all," I excused, shrugging and opening the door to our classroom, even though I really didn't want to. "It's nothing to worry about though. It's probably just... um... my time of the month or something."
I sounded like an idiot, but Jane looked like she understood. I couldn't help but look over at the window, where Blake was sitting like he always was. My gaze immediately went to his headphones, wondering what he heard when the music stopped. Dr. Carlisle had said Blake heard voices every time the music wasn't playing, but that had to have been at least every five minutes...
I took my seat beside Blake, Jane taking her seat by Leslie across the room from us. I swallowed, trying to think of something that I could have said to Blake without making myself feel awkward, which in turn would make him feel awkward.
The late bell saved me from having to say anything, but I couldn't help but worry about what we were going to do during the class period. Whenever Mrs. Sparks was tired or just didn't feel like teaching, she would make us work on our songs. I remembered she had said she wasn't feeling well on Friday, so I couldn't help but hope that she had gotten better over the weekend...
My eyes then widened when I looked over to see that Mrs. Sparks wasn't in her desk, but a young blonde man was instead. My stomach immediately dropped, because I was sure we would work on our songs if we had a substitute teacher...
"I'm Mr. Higginson, your sub for the day," the teacher informed us after standing up from Mrs. Sparks's desk, and pretty much every single girl went completely gaga over him, but I only rolled my eyes at it all. I really wasn't in the mood for all of this. "Mrs. Sparks said that all you have to do is watch a video today, and that's it."
I let out a sigh, happy that we didn't have to work on our songs. I still didn't think that I would have been able to face Blake. This had to have been my lucky day.
The girls swooned over the sub as he put the DVD in the DVD player, and I made a face. This guy was attractive, sure, but he was just like Mr. Meyers to me. They both just had the same vibe. And Mr. Meyers ended up having romantic feelings for me, so who knew if this guy was any different...
I just had to focus on the movie, not some substitute teacher. If I did take my focus off the movie, I would have started thinking about unnecessary things, like the substitute or how I was going to tell Blake that I knew his secret.
I didn't want to do it at school. I knew that that school was the one place I couldn't tell him... There were way too many people around. I had to tell him when we were completely alone.
I lied to Blake and told him I had a test to retake during lunch, even though I really just hid out in a janitor's closet like an idiot. I sat there for about half of lunch until I heard voices and footsteps.
"Blake, you can't just interrupt her if she's in the middle of a test," I heard Jane call out, and I jumped off of the bucket I was sitting on and moved closer to the door. I moved the curtains covering the small window on the door, my eyes widening when I saw Blake and Jane about to pass by.
"I don't know what's wrong with her, but I know that something's wrong," Blake sighed impatiently when Jane grabbed his arm, and he looked like he just wanted to continue down the hall. "She's been acting weird all day. I don't know if it's just because of me or if it's something else..."
"She's not feeling well today, Blake," Jane comforted, her hand still on arm. I remembered the lie I had told her that morning, and I couldn't help but hope she wouldn't tell him that... "She's just feeling sick, that's all."
"I guess that's understandable," I could barely hear him grumble, and he removed his arm from her grasp. "She had a hangover yesterday, so many something just carried on into today. I really hope she's feeling alright."
Jane smiled at her childhood friend. "You really care about her, don't you, Blake?"
Blake looked away from her. "I care about her more than anything. I've never cared about someone as much as I care about her."
My chest tightened, and I really thought I was going to cry. Did this mean that he felt the same way about me that I did for him? Or did that mean that I was just a good friend to him? I probably shouldn't have been jumping to conclusions...
"Then maybe you should tell her that and not me," Jane suggested, a large smile plastered on her face. "I'm sure she'll be happy to hear it."
Blake scoffed. "Sure, whatever."
And when the two of them turned back toward the cafeteria, I sat back down on the overturned bucket and started thinking again, which I really should have stopped doing. Thinking at that moment was just making me feel even worse...
I had to go to gym after this, which I definitely wasn't looking forward to. Not only that, but I then had to go to Mr. Meyers's class and then art, and both classes had Blake in it.
He was literally the sweetest boy I had ever met in my entire life. I couldn't believe that I had used to be annoyed with him before we had become partners for Mrs. Sparks's project. I really loved him more than anyone...
The rest of lunch and gym went by quickly, but I knew Mr. Meyers's class was going to lag on, and not just because it was history.
I sat behind Blake in this class, so I wouldn't have to look at him unless he turned around to look at me, which he might have done... He would have definitely had to look back at me if Mr. Meyers was passing back papers...
At least I was able to fool everyone into thinking that I was actually sick... or on my period.
When Mr. Meyers's class finally ended, I couldn't have been happier. I just had one more period and then I could have gone home without telling Blake that I knew his secret...
"Burk, I need you to stay after class for a few minutes so I can talk to you about something," Mr. Meyers informed me thirty seconds before the bell rang. "Can you do that?"
I could, but that didn't mean that I wanted to. After everything that Mr. Meyers had put me through, I didn't think I wanted to spend any time alone with him at all.
Blake gave me a look, and I waved him away to tell him that he could leave and I would be fine. I didn't think Mr. Meyers would try anything during school hours, even though he didn't have a class next period...
"What do you need?" I asked him once everyone was out of his classroom, and I tried not to act snappy, but I just couldn't control myself.
"I was just wondering if you felt weird around me," Mr. Meyers sighed, and I couldn't help but make a face at him. Was he seriously asking me this question after everything we had gone through?
"Well, you admitted that you liked me," I deadpanned, not even trying to be nice to him at all. I wasn't exactly in the mood for that right then. "I'd be weird around anyone who said they liked me when I didn't like them back. You being a teacher just makes everything worse."
Mr. Meyers sighed, shaking his head as he leaned back in his chair. "I should have expected as much after what I did to you."
"Did you really expect for everything to just go back to normal after you confessed your feelings to a student?" I couldn't help but snap. I honestly didn't want to be mean to him, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone at that particular moment. "You're lucky Mr. Wilkinson believed you and not me or you'd be out of a job."
Mr. Meyers continued to sit at his desk, and I stood there staring right down at him. We were like that for about a minute, maybe even longer, just staring at each other, neither of us saying a word to each other at all.
"I was just hoping that you wouldn't hate me," he finally admitted.
In all honesty, I didn't hate him. He just always had to talk to me at the worst times. I had serious things that I had to deal with at that moment, but he was trying to talk about our non-existent relationship.
Blake had schizophrenia. All I could really do was just replay that statement in my head. I wasn't supposed to know this important piece of information about him, but I did. And it was eating away at me.
"I don't hate you, Mr. Meyers. I just... don't feel the same way you do," I informed him truthfully, pulling at my backpack strap as I shook my head at him. "I'm sorry, but I have to get back to class now."
I turned away to leave, not wanting to have to speak to him any longer. If I did stay, he probably would have just tried to kiss me again like he had the last two times I had been in this classroom with him alone...
"Is something going on?" he asked me now, and it nearly made me jump out of my skin. Could he really tell so easily that there was something wrong with me? "You don't seem like yourself, even more than usual."
I didn't turn back toward him, mostly because I was sure the look on my face would give how I was feeling away.
I was scared. I really was. I had told myself that I didn't judge Blake for having schizophrenia, and I wasn't. But that didn't mean that I wasn't scared about what it all meant. The illness that he had was serious, and it wasn't something that could be taken lightly. I had no idea how I was supposed to deal with it.
"Leah," Mr. Meyers started now, and I heard him get out of his chair. "Look at me."
I didn't want to. Looking at him meant he would see my face, which meant he would see the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes.
"Did something happen with Blake?" he now asked, and I could hear him coming closer to me. "I noticed that you didn't pay a lot of attention to him in class today. Did something happen between the two of you?"
I wanted him to stop asking me questions, because it just made me want to cry even more. Thinking about Blake wasn't something that I wanted to do at that moment...
"Nothing happened between us," I answered, and it was the truth. Blake didn't know that I knew anything at all...
"Somehow I don't believe that," Mr. Meyers informed me, and I couldn't blame him. "Something's wrong, Leah, and I can tell that you've been trying your hardest to hide it from everyone today."
"Why do you let Blake listen to music during class while no one else can?" I asked, spinning on him now so I was facing him. I wasn't expecting him to be so close though; we were now toe-to-toe. "Why is Blake allowed to listen to music even though it's been a rule for years that no one can listen to music during class?"
Mr. Meyers stared down at me, and I knew he was trying to think of an appropriate answer that he could tell me. He didn't have the authority to tell me that Blake had schizophrenia...
"Why are you crying?" he whispered, and I didn't know if he asked me this to ignore my question or if he was genuinely worried about me.
"I'm not crying," I denied as I wiped at my eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about..."
My teacher reached forward, wiping under my eyes with his thumb to get rid of the tears that I was still denying were there. I didn't push him away like I normally would have; I let him wipe them away for me because I honestly was too tired and weak at that moment to do it myself.
"Did he hurt you?" Mr. Meyers asked now, both of his hands on either side of my face now as more tears fell from my eyes.
"No," I sniffed, shaking my head and taking a step away from my teacher. "I just... I don't feel well today. I wasn't even going to come to school but Cassie forced me to."
"Then go to the nurse," Mr. Meyers instructed, moving over to my desk and filling out a slip for me. "You shouldn't be here if you feel sick. I hope you get better soon."
He talked to me like we were close friends, even boyfriend and girlfriend, not teacher and student. I found it weird, but he was giving me an excuse to leave school early, so it wasn't like I was going to complain.
I left Mr. Meyers's classroom as quickly as I could, only nodding a goodbye to him before I headed toward the front office, where I knew my freedom was waiting for me.
The nurse made me lie down on a cot while she called my mother, who didn't work so she should have been at home. Unless she was out doing something stupid, I should have been out of there in no time...
"We couldn't get ahold of your mother," the nurse informed me, and I felt like screaming at my mother because I knew that she was probably out shopping. "You'll just have to stay here until school ends."
Of course. Now I was going to have to lie on this stupid cot for over an hour. All because my mother just couldn't go through the day without shopping...
Luckily, I was able to do what I needed the most. I slept for most of the time I had to stay, which made me feel a little better, even with everything that was going on around me. I would feel better once I got home and was able to think...
The bell rang, but the nurse told me that I couldn't leave. I looked at her as if she was insane, but she merely shrugged at me and said I couldn't leave without a parent or guardian there to pick me up.
I was going to be there forever.
I almost screamed when I saw Blake standing over me a few minutes after the bell had rung, and I almost shoved my head under the pillow that it was resting on.
"Are you alright?" Blake asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. "I got worried when I saw you weren't in seventh period."
"I'm fine, I just... got kind of dizzy," I lied, readjusting myself on the cot uncomfortably. "I haven't been feeling well all day."
That wasn't exactly a lie. I had been driving myself crazy, and it was all because of Blake. He hadn't left my mind since I had followed him to the hospital the day before.
"I thought that it had something to do with Mr. Meyers, honestly," Blake admitted, not sitting down in one of the chairs beside the cot I was lying on. "I was really worried when you never showed up to seventh period. I didn't know what he could have done to you."
I felt like crying. I wanted to cry more than I ever had before. I wanted Blake to hold me while I cried, and I wanted to comfort him and tell him that everything would be okay, that I didn't care if he had schizophrenia. But my mouth wouldn't even let me utter the word.
"He just wanted to talk to me about a missing assignment that I had..." I forced a smile, hoping that he wouldn't notice that I was totally lying to him. "Honest."
He smiled back at me, reaching forward and holding his hand over mine. "I'm glad."
This would have been the perfect time to tell him that I knew everything, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't know how he would react to me knowing his precious secret that he had tried so hard to keep from me...
"Leah, are you okay?" I heard a new voice ask now, totally ruining the entire moment. I looked over to see Cassie, who was about to say something else until she saw Blake standing next to the cot. "Oh. You're here."
"Cassie,' I snapped, not able to help myself.
"Are you okay, Leah?" Cassie now asked, walking right by Blake as she examined me. "I didn't know you were this sick this morning! I never would have made you get out of bed this morning if I knew you were this sick!"
"It's fine, Cassie," I coughed, still trying to feign illness. Cassie looked like she believed it, but Blake didn't. "It's not your fault. I didn't feel as bad this morning as I do now."
My best friend since childhood sighed. "That's good!"
I looked over at Blake, who looked very uncomfortable now. I felt bad for him, and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside his head. What was he thinking, and what were the voices telling him?
I had to tell him that I knew. It wasn't something I could have just brushed off. He wanted to hide it from me forever, and if I ever wanted to get anywhere with him, I was going to have to know.
I was going to tell him the next day. I just had to.
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