There he was. Dressed resplendently in a dark suit, blue tie, white button up shirt and holding a bouquet of flowers; flowers for her, no doubt. And when he turned and she looked into his eyes, he gave her that adorable half-grin that always, always made her weak in the knees and caused butterflies in her stomach.
What the hell are you doing? Her rational side argued to her. Are you really going to just forget everything that happened? This is the boy who lied about his virginity and his night with Santana. This is the boy who pushed you away and wouldn't listen when you tried to apologize for kissing Puck. This is the boy who then turned around and went back to Quinn and dated her until just last week. This will never work! You want Broadway and New York and your name in lights and he's just Finn!
The argument was always the same in her mind. It would constantly remind her that the tall, awkward, adorable boy in front of her was just Finn.
But then, that was the issue right there.
It was Finn. It was just FINN!
Finally, there was no one else around. Finally, there was no one else to get in the way.
It had been a long six months of life for her. She had tried hard to let him go, and even convinced herself after Valentine's that she had, only for her emotions to be sucked right back into desire and want for him in a matter of days for reasons unknown. Only two short, brief romantic opportunities had come along in that time. The first was a horrible attempt at dating Blaine resulting in a kiss that only proved to him he was most definitely gay. The second was an awkward, unapologetic kiss between her and Jesse. Although she was sure he intended it as sweet and emotional, it instead felt strange and gave her weird chills of some kind. It solidified in her mind that she and Jesse just weren't meant to be together as more than friends.
Finn, however? So not the case with Finn. She could get lost in his eyes and kiss him endlessly, each touch of his lips and fingers setting her heart on fire and her soul soaring above the clouds. Her torso practically ached to have his long, strong arms around her, lifting her off the ground or pulling her close into his chest. And though she hadn't admitted it to him, she loved the feeling of his weight on her when they made out and slowly explored each other's bodies overtop each other's clothes (and underneath a little too, were she completely honest). Her body seemed to sing and vibrate when around him, and nothing mattered more then to just be in his embrace.
Her feet started walking faster, and though her heart cheered her on, her mind cursed her for her lack of restraint. Was it normal to feel such total and complete infatuation with a boy? There was no star power or celebrity to Finn Hudson save his position as quarterback; there never was. But it always felt to her like there was.
She slowed slightly as she approached him. His eyes went wide as he took in her hair, her dress, her legs, her shoes. For the first time she noticed fully, completely and truly how he regarded her; there was adoration, love, awe and everything that made her breath hitch in her throat and caused her heart to flutter. How the hell had she convinced herself she didn't need this? That she was free, single and enjoyed it that way? That the world was her oyster and there were plenty of fish in the sea?
No there weren't. There was only one she wanted to catch. The same one she'd wanted since he first opened his mouth and sang alongside her in almost two years ago. And now here he was, flowers in hand, dressed to impress, and wanting to take her who knew where.
"Working date." He had uttered when she asked about their dress and formality.
Yeah. Right. Sure. But she smiled anyway at his nervousness because, well, when was the last time she had actually made a guy feel nervous?
This wasn't a working date. This was a REAL date. A real, honest-to-God, guy-pulls-out-all-the-stops adultdate. Finn mentioned visiting the theatres on a walking tour, then checking out Times Square, and for dinner he managed somehow to reserve a table for two at Sardi's. She had to actually fight herself to keep from squealing and jumping up and down with joy.
Oh, she was going to enjoy this. Yes indeed!
"Rachel!"
Her eyes opened and she snapped back to the present day instead of the time over thirteen weeks previous. She noticed her Daddy (Hiram) standing beside her, leaning on the railing and taking in the sight of the creek underneath and the greenery surrounding their location.
"You okay?" Hiram asked as his eyebrows rose in concern.
She nodded and breathed in deeply, enjoying the cleaner air the park seemed to offer from the rest of the downtown core in New York. "Just remembering some things, that's all."
"From your competition?" Hiram intoned with a pained voice. Rachel smiled at him and placed a hand on his arm when he looked away guiltily. He and her Dad (Leroy) had so wanted to come to New York and cheer on her and New Directions, but the timing was absolutely horrible with them having a major trial to prepare for that week and unable to convince the judge to adjourn the matter for a later date. It seemed to be a curse in the Berry household in the last year that whenever she had a competition or other event to perform at, something always seemed to come up to prevent her fathers from attending. The only benefit was she could use the resulting guilt trips to convince them to do pretty much anything she wanted.
"You don't have to feel guilty, Daddy." Rachel linked her arm in his and leaned her head on his shoulder. "I know you both tried. Besides, it's not like we won the whole thing."
"But you could have, and then we'd have missed out completely." Hiram put a paternal arm across her shoulders and hugged her to him, still looking out at the scenery. "But what is it about this bridge and Central Park that has you thinking back, hmm?"
Rachel shrugged again. "This is where Finn and I met for our date."
"Really?" Hiram glanced around a bit and then smiled appreciatively. "Boy has some style. It's very romantic. Nice to see he can put some thought into your dates other than dinner and a movie."
"He's also taken me bowling, mini-golfing. And he took me to Les Miz at the community theatre. And we did…other things, too." Rachel smirked slightly, causing her Daddy to look at her sharply with narrowed eyes. Yes, she let those words slip just to see his reaction and wasn't disappointed. Who said she didn't have a sense of humour?
"Can you please spare me those types of images? I understand you're becoming a young woman in your own right, but I still remember the sweet, adorable five year old Rachel latching onto my leg and refusing to let go until I played The Little Mermaid VHS tape. It's difficult to picture you involved…romantically…with someone."
She smiled. "Our date here really was a magical night. Walking around the theatre district, dinner at Sardi's, meeting Patty Lupone, and then going to Times Square. It was perfect…well, perfect until I ruined it all and told him 'no'."
Hiram turned and leaned against the bridge railing, crossing his arms. "I still say you made the right decision. You needed time to examine your feelings, Honey, and really think about what it is you want. You seem to have that figured out now, though, right? You want New York and Broadway still?"
She nodded and pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. "Yes, and I have no intention of surrendering that dream. Not for anything or anyone." Her father levelled a serious gaze at her, which caused her to do a double-take. "What?"
"Just...I want you to be careful about how far you're willing to go to fulfill your dreams, Rachel. Yes, I know you want Broadway and fame and your name up there in lights, and I've no doubt through hard work you'll get it. Just remember, work alone won't make you happy."
Rachel frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "It's all I have right now, Daddy. I'm horrendously low on the high school social ladder, I barely have any friends outside of Kurt or Mercedes and my summer job finishes next Friday. Once high school is done, I'm leaving Lima for New York. Other than maybe visiting you and Dad, I don't plan on going back there."
Hiram nodded. "The opportunities in your chosen field are definitely better here in New York, but not much else is going to change, Honey. You'll still need a place to live, still need to buy groceries, still have to pay bills, still have to deal with people who may not like you for whatever reason. Wouldn't it be tough doing all of that alone?"
"I wouldn't be alone. Kurt's coming with me."
"Is he?"
She turned to regard her father with a scowl. "Of course he is. He said so when we were here in June."
"Exactly, Sweetie. Kurt said that in June of 2011. There's no guarantee he won't change his mind in June of 2012. What if he decides to work for a year between school and college? Or, God forbid, what if something happens to Burt again? A lot can change in a year."
She bit her lip as she considered her father's arguments. The seemed contrary to almost everything both he and her Dad had ever said or done to encourage her to chase her dreams. Now he was telling her to think beyond her life-long ambitions? "Are you suggesting I stay in Lima?"
"No." Hiram shook his head and leaned on the railing of the bridge, overlooking the water running underneath. "I'm just suggesting you think about everything you want in life. You've mentioned how you want Broadway and starring roles and a Tony award before you're 25 and then be married and start having kids. I remember Finn telling me he was surprised you had it all mapped out. You do realize, I hope, it's not likely to happen exactly as you want, right?"
"I know I may have to make some...sacrifices, yes. I'm aware." Rachel sighed a bit. "It's nothing I haven't considered before."
"How many are you willing to make?" Hiram's questioned pointedly.
Rachel turned to him, swallowing and her eyes a bit wide at the implications behind her father's question. "You're wondering if I'm willing to sacrifice any chance of being with Finn again, aren't you?"
He shrugged a bit while looking towards the river. "That depends largely on what he wants, what youwant, and what you both want for each other. You were very focused on your chosen career path until you started dating him last summer. Then somewhere along the way he became everything you wanted and thought of. I'll admit, your father and I were a bit alarmed at how all-consuming your relationship was, but we were also relieved. "
"That makes no sense. How can you be both alarmed and relieved at the same time?"
Hiram laughed a bit. "We were relieved because it was the first time since you were four that you were acting your age, Honey. You were a teenage girl in love, and with what I thought was a fairly nice boy who treated you well...that is to say, never coerced you to do something you didn't want to do. I know you and he had some problems and there have been some head games, but again, that's part of the 'teenager in love' process. But even after you went through all of that, there still seemed to be an intense attraction between you both. You didn't come home from Nationals and blabber on about how wonderful the other groups were or how you and Sunshine were talking or about the judges you met or that you and Kurt sang in the Gershwin Theatre. You came home and the first thing you told us was that Finn wanted to get back together with you and took you on a date. It seemed to me that despite how the competition could further your goals, you didn't really consider it the most important thing in your life."
Sighing, Rachel swallowed leaned her head in her hand on the bridge's railing. "Maybe it wasn't at the time, but I know now I don't have to choose between the two. Performing is my love, my passion. "She smiled a bit. "You and Dad can relax. If I have to decide between Finn and Broadway, Broadway will definitely come first."
"I know. Honestly, that worries me too." Hiram nodded.
Rachel rolled her eyes. Was there some magical answer she could possibly give her father that would please him? On one hand, everything her Daddy had been saying suggested she would need to sacrifice personal love and romantic happiness to achieve her dreams, and when she claims she's willing to do so, he still admits his worry that she'd choose her career first. It was almost like she couldn't win in what was, at this point, a hypothetical argument. "What do you want me to say, Daddy? Would you be happier if I said I'd turn away from Broadway dreams to be with Finn for the rest of my life? Would that make you happy?"
"Would it make you happy is the real question, Rachel."
"No. It wouldn't. Just like being without Finn doesn't make me happy. I wouldn't be happy unless I had both and didn't have to choose at all." The frustration in her voice caused her to stop and turn away from him, facing the creek again and crossing her arms. "But I can't be in New York yet. I still have to finish high school because no matter how good a voice I have and how much I deserve to be on stage I know it's not that simple, and college gives me a backup. But college won't look at me without a high school diploma, so college and New York and Broadway just aren't reachable yet. But Daddy, Finn is reachable. He'd be mine right now if I hadn't turned him down here. And a few months ago I wasn't sure I could even have him again. But I can, even if only for a small while before I move here. If I'm lucky, he'll want to come with me, too. I know he could if he wanted to and worked for it. We could both be here in a year."
"And if he isn't able to make it here next year?"
"I don't know!" Rachel almost exploded at him, causing Hiram's eyes to widen a bit at the sudden volume in her voice. "I don't have all the answers. What do you want from me?"
"Just understanding, Rachel." Hiram said gently, putting his hand on her shoulder and giving her a re-assuring squeeze. "Life is just that; life. I know you have goals and ambitions, but the path you choose to get to them doesn't have to be set in stone. It can be changed, adjusted, altered to fit what you're feeling or wanting at any given point. I had a lot of friends in college. Some of them went on to achieve their goals and dreams without any problems, only to be left with nothing but that achievement at the end. Few friends, a small social network, and the only people they ever 'dated' were in their chosen fields. I've had other friends who gave up completely on their dreams and opted for family and love, and now work in fields outside their dreams and are unhappy in their line of work. I just...I pray you don't get caught in either trap because you love both Broadway and Finn with such intensity there seem to be a middle ground for you. Just...be aware there's always a middle ground if you're willing to find it."
Rachel took a deep breath and chewed her lip a bit, thinking seriously about her father's words. Middle ground wasn't a term she was used to hearing from them. Instead, they were very much active and supportive of her lifelong goals and dreams to be a performer on Broadway. They never would have suggested anything less for her and her gift of voice. Now it almost sounded like they were changing their tune. "It doesn't seem like you and Dad ever had to find a middle ground, Daddy."
"Au contraire!" Hiram chuckled a bit and grinned. "Why do you think we're in Lima and not California? Or working in our own firm instead of accepting an offer with a multi-national corporation?"
She was taken aback by the sudden admission of her father. Never before had she ever heard about there being any kind of disagreements between her dads on how their lives had gone or developed. Nor was she ever made aware they had goals or dreams that weren't the same as the lives they currently lead. "You wanted to move to California?"
"Not me...your Dad did, yes. He thought it would be more invigorating and interesting to start a law firm out there. There were a lot of opportunities in the entertainment field. He could have even become an agent if he'd wanted. But I wanted to stay here in Ohio or at least somewhere in the Midwest. There were a lot of big corporations in Columbus, Cincinnati and Cleveland that were courting me in my final year, but it was all environmental or business law and your father had no interest in it. So, we both wound up compromising. He got to open a law firm like he'd always wanted, just not where he wanted. I got to stay in the Midwest to practice, but not where exactly I thought I would." Hiram looked at her seriously. "You see what I mean now about middle ground?"
Rachel rolled her eyes again while crossing her arms. "I suppose this is the moment when, once again, you tell me I want everything too much?"
Hiram nodded. "Yes and no. I'm saying you need to have balance in your life, and sometimes it takes you directions or gives you options you didn't consider. Life isn't black and white, Rachel. It's not always one or the other. Sometimes it's possible to have both, just not in the way you might think. I'm encouraging you to do what's best for you at any given moment in your life to have as fulfilling a life as possible, that's all; don't be afraid to think outside the box and explore your options. There are always more options than you might believe. You're not limited to Finn, Honey. And you're not limited to Broadway. Lots of people have become famous actors and singers without stepping foot on a Broadway stage, and lots of women have married men they met well after high school."
"That just seems so...contrary to what I want, Daddy. I want Finn and I want Broadway. If we both come to school in New York, problems are all solved."
"What if he doesn't get into school in New York, Rachel?" He looked at her seriously. "What if you don't get into school in New York?"
Rachel scoffed at her father, appalled he'd even suggest such a travesty from occurring. "Are you seriously thinking I won't?"
Hiram smirked slightly and shrugged. "It's not likely given your grades and voice, but let's face the bitter truth here, Sweetie, you're not the only intelligent and talented person in the world. Even looking at Broadway stars right now will tell you that."
Unsure how to respond, she settled on simply turning back to the railing and watching the moving water underneath the bridge, mulling over her father's words. Two years ago, the thought of not pursuing Broadway immediately after high school seemed ludicrous. She had the talent, she was sure, to get roles in those productions, or at least on Off-Broadway productions to start. The theatre community here was vibrant and rich and the opportunities seemed plentiful. But one thing she had learned in the last six months was that sometimes advice her fathers offered that she would initially reject deserved at least some consideration. Her Daddy was quite correct in that opportunities in theatre and film didn't limit themselves to New York. There was California, Chicago, Las Vegas, even out of country in England if she were honest. Any one of those avenues could also take her where she wanted, or eventually lead back to New York and Broadway anyways.
"What do you think I should do?" Rachel turned back to her father to see him also staring out at the creek and water beneath them.
Her father smiled gently. "Follow your heart, Ray, but don't be afraid if it takes you places you haven't considered, whether that be professionally orromantically. Be honest with yourself, and don't ever be blinded by desire for anything or anyone."
She wiped away an errant tear as thoughts of Finn flooded back to her. "Right now, honestly, Daddy, I want to be with Finn. I love him. I...I don't feel as alive without him. And since we both have a year of high school left, there's no conflict. That's what my heart tells me."
Hiram embraced her in a fatherly manner. "As long as you're sure." He regarded her seriously. "But if you and Finn do decide to stay together and wind up in different states, what then?"
Rachel smirked as she pulled away and looked up into Hiram's eyes. "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Besides, we have to get together first."
"Again."
"I never said we weren't travelling a bumpy road." Rachel admitted.
Hiram chuckled. "Life is a bumpy road, Rachel. You might as well get used to it."
Finn waved as Graham and Wayfor walked away from him, both heading towards the car owned by Graham's parents to whisk them away from the recruiting office. Finn smiled a bit as he watched the car pull away, then turned and regarded his surroundings.
Lima, Ohio. He was back almost exactly where it all started. He looked around, drinking in the sights of everything before him; the small grocery store just down the block with the Subway restaurant, the home care medical store beside it, the nail salon, and now the most important building on this side of the street, the National Guard recruitment office where he was currently standing just outside in the parking lot. Finn bit back a grin when his eyes caught the sight of Burt's Auto Garage across the street, closed up tight and all signs off on this Sunday afternoon. He would forever remember it as the location where the National Guard had begun for him. If he hadn't gone with Burt that day to get his mind off Rachel, he never would have embarked on this journey.
And what a journey it had been.
It had changed his life completely. He felt so much more confident and capable in himself. The thought of high school and his final year approaching barely fazed him. He wasn't even a bit nervous about returning to foot ball. Ideas for songs and mash-ups for Glee practically filled his mind to the brim. Finn resolved that this time he was going to apply himself to everything he did. This was definitely his year.
Only one thing worried him, and it was the same thing that always worried him.
Rachel Barbara Berry.
It was funny how the three small words which comprised her name could simultaneously strike a harmonic chord of pure joy through his soul and still turn his stomach into knots large enough to tie down a cruise ship. He'd be seeing her in two days, and still had no idea what to expect or believe regarding their relationship. Would she even be happy to see him? Well, probably for the fact they were friends, yes, but he couldn't be sure it would ever be more than that again. He remembered his Mom telling him that she knew Rachel still loved him. Of course, that didn't mean Rachel was committed to the idea of starting over with him. He supposed it would be okay since he knew they had to rebuild the bridges and ties between each other anyway. If he had changed so much during the summer, there was a fairly decent chance she had as well.
"Well, well, well. You definitely look the part, don't you?"
Finn turned at the sound of the familiar voice, only to see Kurt standing beside his Lincoln Navigator and giving him a brotherly smile of fondness. The tall quarterback grinned and ran over to him, ignoring his protests about his Alexander McQueen sweater and just engulfing him in a massive bear hug. After a few moments, Finn pulled away and slapped his brother affectionately on the shoulder. "Good to see you, Kurt. How's the summer been?"
"It was fine until you decided to assault me." Kurt complained, rubbing the spot on his shoulder where Finn had smacked him. "Did it ever occur to you that some of us more delicate people don't appreciate being manhandled?"
Finn smiled at him. "What about Blaine? You have problems when that man handles you?"
"Finn Hudson!" Kurt's words burst forth in shock and he looked terribly scandalized. He pushed Finn on his chest to show his displeasure, but the action barely even caused Finn to move. Finn just laughed and threw his duffle bag into the back of the Navigator before joining Kurt in the front seat of the vehicle.
"How was your summer with the theatre?" Finn asked, securing the seat belt and removing his uniform cap.
Kurt made a face. "Not terribly exciting, I'm afraid, but then, staging a traditional interpretation of A Man for All Seasons isn't the most exhilarating experience one can hope for. Most of my excitement came in the form of keeping a certain brunette diva from going insane about you."
Finn's face hardened into a slight mask, his jovial mood dampening a bit. Had she really been that upset about his decision to join the Guard? She was the one who turned him down in New York, wasn't she? Did she think he'd be sitting around and moping allsummer? Well, given her sometimes dramatic tendencies, it was certainly possible that's what she thought. "Sorry if you got caught in the cross-fire, dude. I didn't mean to stick you in the middle like that."
"I'm far more concerned about you getting caught in the cross-fire." Kurt glanced at him, worry etched on his face. "How is your shoulder?"
He rotated it slightly, then nodded and settled against the back of the passenger seat. "Good, I guess, all things considered. I still need painkillers, but it's gradually getting better."
Kurt raised an eyebrow at him before turning the corner onto the main road. "I'm sorry, do my ears deceive me? Did you just use the word 'gradually'?"
Finn mocked him in a voice like he was still a toddler. "Yes, Mr. Hummel. I'm a big boy now, and can even use big boy words."
"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Finn."
"Upset you don't have the monopoly on it anymore?"
After coming to a complete stop at the red light they had approached, Kurt whipped his head around and stared hard at his tall brother. "Honestly, who the hell are you and what have you done with Finn Hudson? I'd really like my brother back now if that's okay."
The tall quarterback laughed. "Dude, it's still me. I just…I don't know, words just…I retain them better now, I guess. They don't confuse me as much."
Kurt eyed him dubiously for a moment before shrugging and then turning back to the road, proceeding through the now green light at the intersection. "I guess it will make conversing a bit easier if I don't have to explain myself every few sentences." He sighed and turned another corner. "Are you calling Rachel later?"
Finn grimaced as he thought about it a bit, hiding the fact that the mere thought of talking to her again made his heart race faster and his stomach to flip on itself. He wanted to talk to her, dear God he so wanted to talk to her and let her voice wash over him for the first time in over two months. Internally he smiled at the thought of her endlessly talking about the details of her summer to him. But his head cautioned him against diving straight into that emotional vortex right away. After all, he had barely seen his family save his parents' trip to Joplin and only had tonight and tomorrow with them before he returned to school. And he still needed to figure out what to do with his letter for her.
"I don't think I will, honestly." Finn swallowed and shrugged with a bit more nonchalance than he actually felt. "We'll see each other in Glee on Tuesday. It's no biggie."
The small teen beside him shook his head. "You're a terrible liar, Finn. I could tell just by your breathing and suddenly bouncy demeanour it means much more to you than that."
The tall quarterback blew out a noisy breath and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, fine, yeah, it does. But Kurt, we…if I learned one thing this summer, it's that I can't go back to what she and I had, okay? We have to start again from scratch, which means I don't want to screw things up again. I don't want the last first day of school to have any dumb shit she and I might say to each other hanging over us, you know? We have lots of time to say it after school's started. I'm not avoiding her; I just want to wait a bit. Wait until we can just be the two of us and talk." He turned to look out at the passing scenery. "We…have a lot to talk about when the time's right. And I still have to think about what I want to say."
Kurt smiled at him as he continued driving. "Finn, I have to say, that's…probably one of the most mature things I've ever heard you say or do. You really have changed this summer, haven't you?"
Frowning a bit, Finn swallowed and sighed. "In more ways than I ever would have thought, dude."