"Erm, Y/N... would you prefer if I left?"
I raised my eyebrows as I was pulled from my thoughts and looked up. Q was staring down at me with a puzzled expression. I could tell he didn't want to offend me, but I could also tell that he was very confused at the fact that I had been stood in the same spot for a whole two minutes.
I pursed my lips for a moment. Q quirked an eyebrow. I soon nodded.
"Uh, yeah, I think so," I finally responded.
He seemed satisfied with my response and took one last longing look of concern before turning on his heel on and leaving me alone. I sucked up a deep breath and stared ahead, seeing the one person that was muddling my thoughts together.
After our "moment", if you will, last night, I wasn't sure how today would go. Would we both pretend it didn't happen? Would I ignore my feelings and focus on helping my friends? I was anticipating the worst, that's for sure.
I did a little shake to focus (earning some judge-y looks off bystanders) before heading to the Commander. She was sat on a tree log with a notebook of some sort in her hand and a pen in the other. Whatever she was writing seemed important to her at the time because she was so involved that she didn't see me coming. However, her horse seemed to sense me as he neighed and approached me.
I was surprised by the sudden affection coming from the beautiful white animal, yet I couldn't stop smiling as I stroked his head. He seemed excited and it was adorable.
"Sorry, little dude, I don't have anything for you to snack on unfortunately," I said through a chuckle as he nuzzled his head into me. "Maybe next time, yeah?"
A neigh followed soon after and I laughed wholeheartedly. Animals were actually the best things ever. I gave his head one last stroke before going to the Commander. She was looking up from her notebook now, a toothless smile on her lips.
"Hey," I greeted her, offering a smile of my own, but I noticed her staring at me with a glint of amusement in her eyes. "What is it?" I asked, frowning slightly. "Have I got something on my face?"
I then began to wipe at my face lamely, probably looking like an idiot. I was surprised to hear an actual chuckle escape the Commander's lips; my whole body went numb as the sound resonated within me.
"No, it's just, you sounded like the old you for a second there," she clarified, her wide smile lessening in to a mere upturn of the lips. She tried to mask the sadness that instantly washed over her expression, but I knew it was there.
God, if anything had made me feel guilty for putting her through all of this, it was definitely that comment. Just witnessing the life drain from her expression and the light from her eyes only put into perspective just how much pain I had caused her. Her and many more.
"Sorry," she suddenly said, looking down and biting her lower lip. "That was uncalled for."
"Please," I said quietly, and in some ways, begging, "don't apologise."
It's not your fault, I so-desperately wanted to add. It's mine.
She didn't speak and I didn't know what to say. However, my eyes soon drifted to the open notebook still in her lap. I couldn't read anything, but I caught a glimpse of the one and a half pages full of writing and my curiosity got the best of me.
"So, you, uh, write?"
As if realising what she was holding, she suddenly closed the book and stood up, hiding it behind her back. Clearing her throat, she avoided my eyes, a fleeting nervousness overcoming her mannerism.
I didn't wish to make her feel like that, so I tried to make her feel more comfortable by saying, "It's all good if you don't wanna share. It's none of my business."
She licked her lips and released a quiet sigh. "It's nothing really. Just a journal I have... You taught me to write and said it would help me practice my skills if I kept this."
"Oh." I nodded my head slowly and chewed on the inside of my cheek. I couldn't even remember what she was talking about, and judging from the expression on her face, she knew I couldn't remember, too.
"You came to me anyway," she continued, beginning to change the subject, for which I was grateful for. "Is everything alright?"
I remembered why I came here in the first place and nodded. "Yeah, I just wanted to ask you for a favour."
She seemed taken aback by this, but nonetheless, she nodded encouragingly.
"You said I can't leave Polis-"
"I never said that, Y/N," she immediately interrupted, giving me a knowing look.
"Okay," I amended my comment. "It was insinuated that I can't leave Polis," she wasn't satisfied with this, but continued to listen anyway, "and I don't want to sit here doing nothing as we wait to come up with a plan."
"What are you asking me, Y/N?" she asked, her green eyes glowing with curiosity, making me freeze momentarily.
"I want to practice fighting," I cut straight to the point. "Training. For whatever is to come."
"Okay."
"It's inevitable that a fight will come about and I- wait, what?" I stopped speaking and looked to her with a skeptical expression.
"I said okay. Isn't that what you want to hear?"
I stood up straight, crossing my arms over my chest. "Hmm, well yeah. But I didn't think you would agree so easily."
I must have imagined it, but I swear I saw her smirk teasingly as she led her horse towards the stables. I followed closely behind, still trying to understand why she wasn't arguing with me.
"You already know how to defend yourself," she informed me, before glancing over her shoulder, "or at least I hope you do. It won't hurt to warm you up again. I would rather you be safe and able to fight if you ever find yourself in danger."
I nodded slowly, trying to catch my thoughts up with what she was saying. "Yeah, alright. Yeah."
As she was removing her horse's saddle, she smiled with amusement. "Are you on the same page as I, Y/N?"
"...Yes."
She fought to keep her smile from her lips, which I noticed was something she did quite a lot, and said, "We can start now, if you want. I have to check on the nightbloods's training now anyway."
I nodded, somewhat confidently. "Right. Nightbloods. Got it."
***
"Nightbloods. Black blood, conclave, next Commander, all that jazz, right?"
The Commander seemed confused to my choice of language, but nodded still. "Yes. You remember that?"
I thought to myself for a moment. "I guess I do."
"And do you recognise where we are?" she asked, evidently curious to what I could remember.
We were in some sort of training area outside. There was greenery surrounding us and all of the young nightbloods who were currently fighting one another. A normal person would have been concerned that children were fighting one another, but somehow, it didn't faze me. I had probably been here before.
"I don't," I admitted regrettably, "but it does feel familiar."
The Commander nodded, pretending my comment didn't bother her, but I knew it did. "Well, this is where we'll be training. Come on, I'll suit you up."
I followed her to where there were stands of weapons and armour and felt slightly out of place as I didn't know what I could and couldn't touch. The Commander however, was already grabbing daggers to practice with.
"Heda," a voice said, grabbing both of our attention, causing us to turn around.
There was a young blonde boy stood before us. He was one of the nightbloods fighting from earlier. He bowed quickly before the Commander before freezing when he saw me. I raised my eyebrows, unsure of what to do, but by now, I was familiar with this reaction. He obviously knew who I was.
"It's great to have you back, Y/N," he said once he recovered from his momentary shock. "My name is Aden."
"You know I don't remember you?" I asked him, glancing between him and the Commander, who was stood there silently.
Aden nodded. "Yes. I don't really know what is to happen next, but I hope you feel better."
I gave him a small smile. "Thank you." I thought back to what Deka said to me, about making the effort with everybody else instead of fighting my mind. So, I continued. "Erm, if you don't mind me asking, how do we know each other?"
Aden seemed nervous and I saw his eyes flicker towards the green-eyed leader beside me. She nodded supportively, instantly reassuring him, and I marvelled at how she provided comfort to the younger boy with just a single look.
"We would train together sometimes," he answered, any sign of nervousness now gone. "When Heda would train us, you would join in. You were very good for a beginner."
Hmm, training with the nightbloods... that sounded pretty awesome.
"Good luck with training today," he said, bowing quickly before returning to the others and their training. Titus, who was on the opposite side of this space, gave both the Commander and I a long look before returning his attention to the nightbloods.
I felt the Commander's gaze on me and turned to see her, however, she suddenly turned away and cleared her throat. Gathering some armour, she handed it to me and looked at me expectantly.
I took it from her grasp and watched as she put her own on. I miserably attempted to do the same, but it didn't go to plan and she saw me struggling.
"Here, let me help," she said, stepping forward and moving towards my shoulders, where the armour needed tying in order to stay on.
She was only stood a few inches from me and my stomach was fluttering. Her eyes were trained on her hands which were moving swiftly as they tied together the string on my armour. I wanted to look away, but breathing became difficult as I held my gaze on her. She was stunning.
"Alright, let's start with disarming." I heard the words escape her lips, but I didn't notice until she was staring right through me, her eyes catching the sunlight and glittering ever so beautifully.
Shit. Was this really happening?
"Yeah, uh, thanks."
I kept my head down as the two of us went into the clearing. There was enough space for us to train without interfering with the nightbloods, so we took our space and got into a fighting stance before one another.
"Try to disarm me," she said, pulling out a dagger and holding it before her, feigning an attack.
I nodded and suddenly felt a wave of nerves wash over me. I wanted to make a good impression and I wanted her to see I was good, though I didn't know why.
Still though, I moved forward, as did she, and pushed my arm forward, catching hers before she could strike me with her dagger. As she twisted around on her heel to come towards me, I slammed my other arm into hers and forced her to drop the dagger. She tried to embrace me and cut off my movement, but I soon found myself stepping on her foot and lightly elbowing her in the gut, however she wrapped her "good" arm around my neck, pretending to strangle me for the sake of our training. I managed to lean down and elbow her again before twisting her arm around her back and holding it there.
The two of us were panting heavily as I held her in position, my hand gently holding her arm to her back and myself stood a little too closely to her.
"Was that okay?" I found myself saying breathlessly, leaning over her shoulder and trying to find her eyes again.
She tilted her head towards me and that's when I discovered it was probably wrong of me to be so close to her because I honestly forgot how to breathe when she locked eyes with me.
She nodded and her eyes flickered to the ground. "Perfect."
I licked my lips and released her arm, stepping back and away from her. I didn't know what to think of the surging feeling inside of me, but I knew it felt amazing. And familiar.
"Can we move onto offence now?" I asked, my voice quiet. I risked looking up at her and saw that she was running her hands though her hair. Her lips were pursed and she seemed partially distracted until she heard me speak.
"Sure," she said, though she sounded anything but it.
She kicked the knife away before getting into a fighting stance before me. I mirrored her and felt those nerves return again, though I tried to push them aside as I prepared myself to attack.
She moved forwards first and I luckily dodged her first swing, managing to kick her in the back gently, sending her tumbling forward and losing her balance. As she turned around with surprise, I also saw the distraction in her eyes. She wasn't fighting as she usually was, and I knew this was the matter because she was the Commander and the best fighter I was sure I knew of.
Taking her distraction as my opportunity, I moved forward quickly and countered her swing with block of the arm before lacing my leg around hers and pushing her to the ground. A grunt escaped her lips and I stood above her, waiting for her to say something.
After a heavy sigh, she attempted to get up and I held out my hand, pulling her up. She dusted herself off and still, no words had been exchanged. I had never been so desperate to hear her say something.
"Was that okay?" I decided to speak first.
She was chewing on her lower lip when her eyes flickered to mine. "Yes. You used my weakness against me and it worked. It's good to see you remembered."
Hold on... where had I heard that before?
"'Find a weakness and use it against them'," I remembered the advice that resonated in my mind when I trained with Octavia. "That was... that was you?"
The Commander cocked her head with confusion, yet nodded nonetheless. I tried to ignore the small smile that she was attempting to hide as she said, "You remember?"
She would teach me how to fight. I started off terrible because it wasn't something I did back in my time. Fighting was crucial here though, and she was adamant on making sure I could protect myself.
"I do," I realised, seeing a small spark of hope in her eyes. "You taught me what I know. Didn't you?"
She breathed out slowly. "Yes... we would train regularly. You were making great progress and I feared you would have forgotten now, but you haven't."
I was smiling unknowingly. "I guess not."
She was pursing her lips now, and her eyes were cast towards the grass, away from mine. "Do you want to continue training or–"
"I do," I cut her off, an urge taking over me. She looked up and I added, "If you don't mind."
I almost forgot that I had hated her guts not long ago as a flash of hope flickered across her expression, and a momentary happiness flickered across mine.
We continued our training for the next two hours, taking regular breaks in between. The Commander would help me out with my stance and positioning, and she taught me even more tips and tricks to defend myself with. Her voice was really soothing and I couldn't help but listen to her as she advised me. I was almost reminded of we used to be. I knew that this is what we were once like and spending more time with her really opened my eyes. Deka was right. She deserved a million chances and more.
I could see the love in her eyes and it only intensified my guilt. She loved me so much and I hated that I couldn't fully remember it. She deserved a lot better than me.
"Let's take a break," she said, and I looked up to see her eyes glazed over with concern, though she wouldn't say anything. She saw right through me, didn't she? She knew my thoughts were eating away at me.
I only nodded in response and she motioned to the water that was waiting on a tray to the side. As I went over to drink some, I saw Titus in my peripheral vision. He had finished training the nightbloods about an hour ago, leaving the Commander and I to ourselves. I wondered why he was approaching her now though.
"I see you've been training the time-jumper," I overheard him, just about. I pretended I was minding my own business as I perked up to hear more.
"Yes," the green-eyed leader responded. I wasn't looking, but I was almost sure her eyes were on me momentarily. "And Titus, you know her name is Y/N."
I fought a smile from my lips.
I heard Titus sigh before he said, "You shouldn't be messing around with Y/N. She obviously doesn't remember you–"
"You don't know that," she was quick to defend, and I would never admit it at the time, but my heart skipped a beat.
"Lexa, you need to focus on getting our people out of Mount Weather instead of spending time with Y/N. You're letting her cloud your judgement, aren't you? "
As I set my cup down for a second, I looked over my shoulder for a moment, instantly meeting the Commander's green eyes. I smiled quickly before turning around, continuing to drink my water and remaining inconspicuous.
"I know what I'm doing," I heard her respond, her voice quieter, making me strain to hear. "Indra has sent word that she is returning in two days with news of Skaikru's plans. We can move forward from then."
"Are you sure?" Titus questioned, rather hostile-like.
I risked taking a glance over my shoulder, only to see the brunette stood still, her eyes cast downwards. Her jaw was locked and her lips were pursed, and even from the distance between us, I could tell she was weary. At the end of the day, she was a leader to twelve clans and they all looked to her for a plan to get her people back. But she had her own problems to deal with... I was one of them.
I sucked up a deep breath before leaving the cup on the tray and heading towards the two grounders with a small smile on my lips. Hopefully they didn't know I overheard them.
"Hey, we ready to keep going?" I asked, directing my question to the Commander. Titus narrowed his eyes at me, but I pretended he wasn't there.
"Sure," she responded, visibly swallowing. "Are you feeling okay enough to continue?"
I presumed she was referring to earlier and waved her off. "Awesome. Let's go."
She nodded and stared at Titus until he looked between us and left. I only wanted to get her out of their awkward conversation as I could see it was visibly making her uncomfortable.
"I guess we can begin," she said, suppressing a small smile and leading me forward.
***
After training, the Commander and I went separate ways to clean up. I was in the wash room, stripping out of my clothes and aching to clean my sweaty body. The tub was already filled with fresh water and their "sanitary" products and washing supplies were lined up, ready for me to use. The tub itself was pretty large, almost like a mini jacuzzi.
However, as I was lowering myself into the tub, I felt the familiar pain in my head and the confusion of overlapping realities all over again. I didn't fight it this time though, as I was curious to remember what I had been desperately trying to forget for a while now...
"Lexa! Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"
I raced up to her side and leaned down, allowing her to wrap an arm around my neck. I tried to help her up, but her face scrunched up in pain and my heart hurt seeing her like that.
"Come on, Lex. Quickly, okay?" I wanted to be supportive, but holy shit I was freaking out.
My idiotic self had left my Docs by the corner of my bed, out of sight from practically everyone who would enter my room. Long story short, Lexa tripped over them and her leg wasn't bending the way it was supposed to.
I helped her up, despite her cry out for pain, and allowed her to rest her weight on me.
"To the bed, come on," I said, my voice surprisingly not as alarmed as before.
As I was helping her over and lowering her onto the covers, she glared at me.
"I really hate those boots of yours," she commented, making me smile sheepishly, though I was actually freaking out inside.
"I know you do," I got out anxiously, before kissing her forehead and adding, "I'll be back with Nyko in no time, I swear."
I pretended not to hear the profanities she was muttering in Trigedasleng as I legged it out my room and to Nyko. It wasn't long before I returned with the healer in tow, ready to tend to Lexa's needs.
As he was fixing her up to the best of his abilities, I couldn't stop pacing up and down, worrying about her. She was more pissed at me than in pain from her leg, which I guessed was a good thing. Well, not for me.
"Remember to give this–"
"Twice a day, I know," I finished off Nyko's sentence with a nod. "One in the morning and one in the evening."
Nyko nodded with uncertainty. "Exactly. Are you sure you can take care of her, Y/N?"
I waved his comment off dismissively. "I didn't get babysitting gigs off my neighbours for nothing, Nyko."
I heard Lexa sigh with discontent from behind me as Nyko looked between the two of us. With one last weary glance, he accepted my word and left the two us alone.
I turned around and saw Lexa laying on my bed, her right leg elevated by a pillow and wrapped in bandages. As I followed her body upwards, I was soon met with glaring green eyes and an unhappy expression.
"Okay, so remember you can't apply pressure to your leg for at least two weeks, meaning you can't stand up and hurt me!" I pointed out with a sheepish grin as I edged carefully to her bedside.
Her jaw tensed as she narrowed her eyes my way. "I don't need two legs to kill you, Y/N."
I chuckled nervously as I took a seat on the edge of my bed, but something was telling me that she wasn't joking.
"How many times have I told you to clean your room up?" she questioned, raising her eyebrows. "If you had just listened the first time, we wouldn't be in this mess!"
I sighed quietly. "I know. I'm sorry. But I promise to take care of you until you get better, alright?"
"Of course you will," she stated, matter-of-factly. "That's the least you can do after breaking my leg."
I offered a small smile as I laced my fingers through hers. "You still love me though, riiiiiiight?"
She rolled her eyes.
"You're lucky I do," she admitted, earning a grin from me as I leaned down to give her a haste kiss.
Taking care of Lexa wasn't very difficult. In fact, it was pretty nice being able to spend so much time with her. I was used to her constantly being busy and held up by Commander-like duties, so this was nice. Unfortunately, the pause in her responsibilities didn't settle well with her as she would always complain about not being able to do anything. She was practically itching to get up and walk. It was funny, really.
"We're almost there, now can you quit complaining for like two minutes, please?" I cut her off from yet another rant she was having.
Her arm was wrapped around me as I held her sturdily. She needed to take a bath and I was helping her get there since she still couldn't walk. However, the fact that she couldn't walk was annoying her more than it should have.
"I wouldn't be complaining if you didn't break my leg," she countered, and she had said that so many times now I could recite it in my sleep.
I glanced at her pouting expression. "Lexa, I love you, but please shut up."
She groaned quietly as I finished leading her to the washroom. There was a tub already filled and waiting to be used by her. I closed the door behind us before settling Lexa in a nearby seat.
"You need to get out of your clothes," I said, kneeling down and moving forward to help her, but she silenced me with a glare.
"I'm capable of undressing myself, Y/N," she calmly stated, and I backed away in defeat.
"Just trying to help." I raised my hands and motioned for her to go ahead.
She was fine removing her clothes from the top half of her body, but when it came to taking off her shoes and trousers, I could see her struggle.
"Right, you can kill me later, all mighty Commander," I gave in, moving forward to help her. "I'm not letting my girlfriend struggle when it's my fault. I don't need you to act all proud, okay?"
She rolled her eyes, but said nothing as I helped finish undressing her. Soon enough, I was lowering her into the tub, making sure to keep an eye out for her bandaged leg as I couldn't let it get wet.
"Come on, grumpy pants, let me wash your hair," I said, pulling a chair up behind her and leaning forward. I filled up a small bucket with water and poured it on her hair, before running my hands through it.
It didn't take long before I had finished her hair and was moving on to scrubbing her body, despite her complaints. There was a moment though, where she wouldn't move forward and allow me to access her back.
"Lexa, stop being stubborn and just move forward," I complained, standing before her with my hands on my hips. "We're almost done!"
Her eyes darted from the water and to me and I noticed how bright they were. Something mysterious was playing in them, but I didn't figure out what it was.
With a sigh, she outstretched her hand and I smiled with relief as I grabbed it, getting ready to help her forward. Except, she had other plans as she yanked me forward and into the water.
"Lexa!"
All I could hear was her laughter as I resurfaced from the water and wiped my hair from my face. I turned around and saw Lexa laughing at my dismay.
"I've been waiting to do that for a while now," she admitted with a smile.
"You've been hanging around with me too much," I mumbled with annoyance, only fuelling her laughter.
She leaned forward and pulled me towards her so I was in between her legs and my back was against her front.
"I love you so much, Y/N," she said softly, and I felt her breath tickle my ears as she did. "I appreciate you helping me out. Even though this was your fault."
I felt my heart rate increase as she enlaced her fingers through mine and rested her head on my shoulder. I still felt butterflies after all this time.
"I love you, too," I replied, leaning back and getting comfortable in her embrace, "and I am sorry, once again, for your leg."
She was chuckling silently as she pressed a kiss behind my ear. "I know you are..."
I opened my eyes, somehow expecting her to be with me in the tub. Holding me next to her. Kissing my neck softly. Laughter echoing into my ears.
But she wasn't. And I was alone.
//
I felt like posting today idk. I thought this would satisfy your needs as I get writing some more! This is a very feel-filled chapter so I hope you liked it! It was vv fun to write :)
I'd like to add: I miss Lexa. Just thought I'd let you know.
Also, the gif of Alycia is so cute I'm dead. It's from her movie 'Friend Request' which I don't recommend watching by yourself in the dark as you will not be able to look in the mirror or windows for at least a week :))