“you can let go of my hand now” I said as we walked through the forest, back to my house. “and we should hurry up a bit, I don’t want anyone to catch us or something” I looked around me, what if someone was watching us? We could be dead any minute if someone was watching us.
Although I asked Theo to let go of my hand, he didn’t remove it. He just looked straight ahead of himself, his eyes on the road. I could see that something was bothering him, but I didn’t ask why. Instead, I thought I could better remind him of the good times, before this war.
“So, what was it like before this war?” I asked him as I sped up my pace, he did the same.
“it was good, better than this, much better” that was the only thing he said, a frown became visible between his eyebrows.
“is there something wrong? You look angry or something” I finally asked him and I stopped walking. I know we shouldn’t, but I was growing tired.
“never stop walking” He said and tried to drag me with him.
“no, answer me” I said, pulled my hand out of his and crossed my arms over my chest. I tried to look intimidating, but I was pretty sure I failed.
“I lied, okay? My dad isn’t working for the government. He died when I was fifteen, along with my mum. They killed them. They murdered my only family, and they left me to take care for myself.” Theo said, his eyes filled with anger and his hands balled into fists. Behind his furious and heartbreaking words, I could hear that he was sad and broken. The way he talked about them killing his family made him weak and angry.
“I’m so sorry, if I knew I would’ve never asked” I said and took his hand back, which was an odd gesture. No one had ever held my hand as far as I knew, everyone was so distant. Except this boy, he almost immediately took my hand and didn’t let go, even though it was against the law for a young couple to hold hands, although we weren’t a couple.
“I know you didn’t know, wow that sounded weird” we both laughed and just looked at each other for a while before Theo spoke up again, “I think we should go, we don’t have a cover up or anything and I don’t want you to get in trouble” We both walked again, we as further as we went, the more sure I got that we were lost.
“are you sure we are going the right way, because I don’t remember walking this path?” I said and looked in Theo’s direction. His face showed the same confusion as mine showed.
“what do you mean? This tree, is so familiar, I mean I think I’ve seen it at least ten times before” He tried to sound as serious as possible, but the crinkles in the corner of his mouth showed that he was joking.
“don’t fool me around here, where do we need to go if we don’t get to my house on time? I’m really tired and every second we hang out here more, the chances of us getting caught are getting bigger” I said, truly serious. My heart started pounding faster and faster and I felt a panic attack coming up. I had those a lot since I was fourteen years old when I saw someone getting killed in front of my eyes.
Blood rushed out of my head, my hands started trembling and my vision became slightly black. I stumbled slightly and held onto a tree.
“Amber? Amber, are you okay?” Theo said next to me and touched my face, taking my hair out of it.
“I’m fine” I said, but it came out as a mumble.
“no you’re clearly not, I’m taking you to my place, I wasn’t kidding when I said I knew that tree, I carved something in It” He said and placed one arm around my waist, dragging me forward.
My head was pounding and my body was tired from all the running and walking. I held onto Theo as we both continued to walk, beside each other, him practically carrying me.
After a not so long walk, we arrived at some sort of cabin in the middle of the woods, you wouldn't notice it if you didn't know it was there. We walked closer to it as I saw a fire burning outside of the cabin. Two people were sitting beside if, talking and laughing with each other. They both looked up, clearly terrified when they heard something, but when they saw their friend, they relaxed.
“he guys, I found this girl, Amber, she was lost so we tried to find the way back, but we lost it” Theo said and led me to one of the chairs. “she’s staying with us for the night, I’ll bring her back home tomorrow”
“oh, that’s okay. If you’re a friend of Theo’s, you can stay as long as you want” The girl said before introducing herself as Shailene. The boy beside her introduced himself as Ansel, I wondered if they were a couple. They seemed so carefree, hanging out here in the middle of the woods beside a fire, laughing with each other. Never had I seen something like that before, it felt heart-warming.
“I’m Amber, the lost girl” I said, trying to find a distraction for my headache, it was only getting worse and it was killing me.
“are you okay? You look pale” Shailene said and placed her hand on my shoulder.
“yeah, just a bit dizzy I guess” I said and tried to talk it off, but they didn’t let me.
“I’ll bring you inside so you can rest, it’s been a long day and it’s already late” Theo said, took my hand and guided me inside. The inside wasn’t much, it was just one room with a couch, little kitchen and a few chairs. Along the room were three other rooms, bedrooms. They all had doors, but they barely held onto. Theo walked into the last room, taking me with him. “you can sleep here, I’ll just sleep in Ansel’s bed, don’t worry” He said as he cleaned the clothes from his bed and threw them somewhere else.
“thank you” I said, almost whispering. “but can you just stay a little longer? Maybe tell me a story or something, I have trouble sleeping after I just had a-“ I almost said that I had a panic attack, but I didn’t want them to think, or Theo in particular, that I was an attention seeker or something.
“after you had a what?” Theo said walking closer to me, looking at me with confusing written over his face. “tell me”
“it’s nothing, do you have something I could wear?” I asked him as I walked away from his close presence, it was scaring me a bit, being this close to a boy. He gave me one of his shirts, which came till my mid tights. “thank you” I said after Theo turned away from me and I dressed myself in his shirt. He turned back to me, his hands in his pockets. Never had a male looked at me the way he did. His eyes wandered over my body and stopped at my bare legs. I felt weird having him look at me shamelessly. “stop looking at me like that” I said as I stepped into the bed and covered myself up with the blankets.
“don’t be ashamed of your body, you look really stunning, especially with my shirt on” Theo said and winked at me, he really didn’t have an ounce of shame in himself. He was confident about himself and what he said, something that I hadn’t seen in years, 'they' weren't even sure about their selves.
“just shut up and make me fall asleep” I said giggling, and I never giggled before, it was an odd feeling.
Theo laid down beside me, his hands behind his head as he began to talk to me, without me responding to him. He told me stories about when he was younger and when his parents were still alive. I studied him as he talked, his strong jaw, his full lips, his muscles that flexed under his shirt when he laughed, I didn’t even know why I was so interested in his features, I never was in anyone else's. I loved listening to his voice, it was so strong and determined, but with a hint of humor in it.
As I continued to listen to his voice, my subconscious carried away and I fell in a peace full sleep.
**
I was running, once again. I was running through streets, away from something, but I didn’t know what. When I stopped to catch my breath, I saw it, I saw what I was running for. A wolf was standing in front of me, at first he looked innocent and sweet, but as the time came he changed into a horrible monster. Slime covered his body and big teeth were shown as he opened his mouth.
I tried to calm down, but it all felt so real. I thought it was real.
The wolf took steps forward, his strange and scary features came closer to my body. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t walk away or even scream for help. I was like a lost puppy and he was the big bad wolf. We were opposites from each other, you couldn’t compare us, we were to different. I was weak and tiny, he was strong and powerful.
With every step that he took, my fear of dying because of a wolf grew. He came closer and closer, one step, two steps, three steps… and he was right in front of me. His eyes were neon green, his teeth big and dirty, ready to bite me. He took once step closer, clear in my view only a few centimetres in front of us. Right when he was about to bite me, the ground below us changed into leaves and the surroundings changed from the city into woods.
And there I was, laying on the ground. My eyes opened and my body was covered in sweat.
It was just a dream, just a dream… the usual dream I had almost every night. I hadn’t slept right in days, weeks, months…
I was laying on the ground in the woods, right outside of the house. It was still dark outside, full moon. Which made it only scarier. My breath was uneven and I was trying to catch it, remembering the things my sister had told me to do whenever I got an anxiety attack.
‘breath in and breath out, at the pace of a normal heartbeat. Try to think of things that make you feel good and happy’ she’d said.
I laid back on the leaves and tried to relax, only remembering that I was out somewhere in the woods. For a minute I didn’t remember where I was, but then the memories came back. Theo had brought me here after we both lost track of the way back to my house. Theo had said that he knew those woods as he knew his thumb, but he clearly didn’t. All in all, I wasn’t mad at him, I didn’t feel like being at home right now, it felt right being out here in the woods, instead of being in the city with 'them' everywhere, watching us.
“Amber?” A voice called out for my name, then I saw Theo standing in the doorway, with only a pair of sweatpants on, his chest bare. Those muscles that I saw underneath his shirt, were now visible. My heart began to sped up again, not because of anxiety, but because I had never seen a male without a shirt before, not even my own father. “you okay? You seem shocked and what are you doing here?” He said concerned and walked towards me, his hands gripped on my hips and he pulled me up.
“yeah, I’m fine, I sleepwalked I guess” I said and touched my head, blood dropped out of a wound on my head. “what the-“
“okay, easy, let’s go inside” Theo picked me up in his strong arms and lead me inside. He placed me down on the couch and wetted a cloth with water. “now tell me, what did you dream about?” He asked me as he placed the cloth on my head, cleaning the wound.
“um, it’s just a dream I have a lot” I said as I winced in pain, “it’s about a wolf, attacking me in the middle of the streets. I wake up every time when he is about to bite me, about to kill me” I admitted, feeling relieved as I got it off my chest. “I know, it sounds silly, but to me it’s scary, it really is” Theo stopped cleaning my wound, placing the cloth on the little table beside the worn out couch.
He didn’t say anything, he just wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. His head cuddled in my neck, as his breath tickled me. I didn’t know what to do, so I just did what he did. I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulders. Theo hands were rubbing my back as he whispered sweet things in my ear making sure that I knew it was going to be alright. I sighed and hugged him even closer, I hadn’t felt so loved and close to someone in a really long time and I didn’t want to leave that feeling.
But it still felt wrong, hugging him, but also so right.