Another hour had passed until Talia finally decided to go back to her room. Her reddened eyes finally turned back to its normal white, despite crying with the group just a few minutes ago. The weight of the stories and emotions had swirled around the campfire, drowning the entire group. Talia managed to find her way to the surface somehow.
She rested against the closed door, eyes closed as she took in a deep breath. The ache in her chest pulsed in waves, coinciding with her heart rate. She rested her free hand just below her chest and grimaced. The old bandages on her burns needed to be changed. When she unwrapped them, the fresh air hit the burns, causing a tingling sensation to go through her body. Was that what shivers felt like against the burnt skin? Gross.
Talia walked over to the desk and grabbed new bandages and the ointment the Queen had given her. Just as she was about to put on the new bandages, someone knocked on the door.
When she answered it, Kay-Tuesso stood there awkwardly, arms swinging a bit along his sides. His white eyes looked down at her. The usual condescending or sarcastic voice was now caring and low, "Cassian needs to see you."
Was she ready to face him? Had she composed what she was going to say and how? No. Not at all. All she knew was she was confused. Remorseful. And a tinge of longing stressed her heart. Talia debated shutting the door on him, but refrained from doing so. She had to hear Kaytoo out. None of this was his fault.
"His attacks are getting worse."
Not good. If his attacks were getting worse, he couldn't be alone. Shouldn't have to be. The attacks themselves were bad enough, but without support? He might drown completely. Talia tried not to look surprised or anxious, and attempted to take a page out of Cassian's soldier book. "Why doesn't he go to med bay?"
Kaytoo shook his metal head as if she said something incredibly dumb or naive. "I wouldn't have come to you if he had. He is too stubborn to go."
"Is he having one now?"
"Yes."
Without thinking, Talia shoved the bandages and ointment into her pockets and rushed to Cassian's room. It didn't matter if they fought, or how she was going to word her apology. In that moment, he needed her the most. She wasn't going to let him suffer alone. That would be cruel and unusual punishment, and Cassian has had his fair share of that.
The crowded halls bustled with life as rebels and spies ran around. Some prepared for missions while others simply were on lunch break. Rebels conversed with one another, talking about missions currently going on. Something with Wedge Antilles, Darth Vader, and Kamino? It didn't matter. Talia had to get to Cassian's room without causing suspicion. Actually? No. Who cares? A nervousness settled in her stomach as she worried for Cassian. How many times had this happened before and she didn't know? How long had he suffered alone?
What made her more nervous was that his door was unlocked. Anyone could have walked in. She shut the door behind her and looked around.
Cassian paced the dimly lit room, hands scratching at his chest as he trembled. Back and forth, taking short breaths as he gasped in pain. His reaction time wasn't quick until he heard Talia enter the room. His wide dark eyes glanced at her for a short second before darting away as he turned around. "Please, go," his voice was unsure and weaker than she had ever heard.
Talia halfway raised her hands in defense as if she got caught by an Imperial patrol. Show nothing is wrong. Might put him at ease, even just for a moment. She spoke slowly and calmly, "Please don't push me away. I'm here to help."
Cassian shook his head erratically as he pulled at the roots of his brown hair. "I-I don't want you s-seeing me like this."
"I understand." Which wasn't a lie. She did. But it pained her to turn away more than it did to see him that way. Being alone? It's one of the worst things of all when hurting like that. A sudden memory of being completely alone after Anhira and Zara died washed over her mind. How tired and depressed she felt. How she wanted to sink into the world and never come back up. It's dangerous to be left alone with thoughts like that. But...if he really wanted her gone, she had to respect his wishes. She couldn't force herself to stay. That might only make it worse. She turned around and did what he asked.
"W-wait..."
In any other situation, Talia would have had a large triumphant grin on her face. In this one? She had to remain calm and blank faced. Channel Cassian's soldier technique. Come on...Her lips twitched into a slight smile, but she forced it down before she turned to face him. She waited for as long as he needed her to.
Cassian exhaled shakily and turned around. Sweat covered his entire face as if he had stepped right out of a sauna. Which wasn't really the right comparison. Cassian in a sauna? Talia would have to drag him in and make him relax. There's no way he'd go in willingly. This was rather a cold sweat, one you wake up with after having a nightmare. Where adrenaline and fear attack your heart and your limbs want to move, want to run away as far as possible, but aren't because you aren't in any real danger. Heat emanated off of him like a strong aura, as if his body were on fire and he couldn't put it out. The rich brown eyes that stared back were guilt ridden and sunken, revealing the bags underneath. It was the most guilty look Talia had ever seen him show. Cassian began to pace again, his breath still short and heavy. His hand jolted to his chest as a pain hit it, causing him to whimper. "Stay."
There was a smooth glide in Talia's step as she walked over to him. Cautiously at first, almost like he was a spooked animal ready to jump. The closer she got, the more heat off of him warmed her body. She focused on him. No distractions. "Focus on me. You are going to be okay."
"I-I can't..." He nearly hunched over and grabbed at the desk next to him for immediate support. If he kept hyperventilating, he would pass out.
"Hey. Focus on me." She put her hands up, the palms facing flat towards him. "Put your hands against mine." Cassian raised his hands steadily, mirroring hers exactly as he tried to focus on her. Talia nodded and wanted to encourage him, but it could break his focus. "Breathe with me."
Both of them started to inhale and exhale together. Slow, long intakes. Long drawn out outtakes. His hands shook against hers and she could nearly feel his pulse through them. Yet they kept breathing together as one. Slowly, but surely, Cassian calmed down a little bit. Talia stayed with her hands against his and felt a tug of a smile pull on her lips once more. "You're doing great."
Cassian nodded half-assuredly. The muscles in his arms still twitched and made his body jittery. He forced himself to stay rooted in his spot and tried to settle his body into a relaxed state.
Key word is tried. Talia could see the pain and fear in his eyes. Was he thinking she was judging him? Possibly seeing something she didn't like? Well, he would be right on that last one. She wanted to take all of his painful memories and aches away. Maybe she could in another way.
Talia reminisced out loud about one of Cassian's favorite nights. They spent it at the base with his buddies, all huddled around the bonfire for warmth. The wind made the cold weather worse, yet it wouldn't deter them from having a good time. Eating. Drinking. Sharing stories of adventures long since past that had a special place in their hearts. Amazing challenges overcome by luck or sheer skill. Laughter broke through the icy air like music that echoed through the land. It was the same night that Cassian told his friends about their relationship status. All of them cheered because they thought he was married to his job. And it was the first real night they had cuddled together in his room until they fell soundly asleep.
A ghost of a smile trailed on Cassian's lips, but his mind was too clouded to form it. He nodded and exhaled slowly. "I rememb—" His voice broke and he winced. Not from pain, but from embarrassment. Cassian gulped and inhaled just a bit. "I remember that."
With his heart rate down and his breathing nearly steadied, Talia moved onto step two. Whether this would help or make it worse, the least she could do was try. It worked on Zara when she had nightmares and dark visions. Maybe it would work here too. "Is it okay if I hold you?"
There was a long moment of hesitation. That fire in his eyes that threatened to burn him up as he fought with himself internally. Finally, the fire died out and he nodded. Talia wrapped her arms around him slowly, making sure he was okay with her touch before completely taking him in her arms. She started to hum a tune she recalled learning once upon a time. Something peaceful and beautiful.
At that point, Cassian melted into her arms. He snaked his arms around her and let tears fall onto her shoulder. The more tears fell, the more his silent sniffles and cries became full blown sobs. They stood there for the longest time just letting him break down from the hard shelled man he had forced himself to be into the small, fragile boy he was on the inside. The one he had caged away to stop himself from being vulnerable to attacks. The strong soldier he had to become always protected him. Maybe that's where it all went wrong. "I'm so sorry..." Cassian sobbed more, inaudible words in a language Talia didn't speak.
"I'm sorry too..." She wasn't sure if that apology was meant for her. Was it meant for himself? Apology for breaking down in front of someone else? Apology to her for breaking down? Or an apology for everything they said to each other? Either way, she wanted to be there for him. Her hands rubbed a trail up and down his back soothingly as she kept humming.
It was an eternity before the sobbing subsided, and all that was left was a broken man. His body went rigid for a second, as if he contemplated between backing up or simply staying there in her arms. Talia remained there, frozen in her spot. Not out of fear or awkwardness, but more of sympathy. She didn't want to make it seem like she wanted to stop holding him. She would hold him for as long as he needed.
Cassian sank back into her arms for another moment more. His voice was hoarse, and tiny. Tinier than he should have felt. "Thank you."
Fresh tears welled up in Talia's eyes. She choked on a whimper as her lips twisted. As much as she wanted to cry, she couldn't. She had to stay strong for him. It's just...it was the harshest way she'd ever seen someone at their lowest. His emotions were so strong, she felt like for a moment there, she was drowning in them too. She swallowed hard to avoid her voice from wavering. "Anytime. I'll always be here for you."
Cassian backed up, eyes still glistening and red. He wiped some tears away with the back of his hand, revealing the pure exhaustion weighing in each line of his face. When he could properly see Talia in front of him, he sniffled and observed out loud, "Your bandages are gone. Let me help you replace them."
A small smile tugged at the edge of her lips. Talia looked over Cassian's face and softly brushed some hair out of his eyes. She rested her hand on his shoulder, unsure of where else to put it. Should she be touching him any more? Should she apologize again, while he's focused? A sinking feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. "I can do it. Just rest."
"It'll take my mind off of...this."
Worry flickered over her eyes as she stared at him until she finally nodded. If she held his gaze any longer than that, the tears in her eyes would have fallen. The aching feeling in her chest constricted as she forced down the urge to cry. Talia took out the ointment and bandages out of her pocket and handed them to him. When he looked down and started to shakily put his attention on bandaging her up, Talia summoned the courage to look at his face again.
His brown eyes were still reddenned. Glazed with tears and exhaustion. Reds and pinks bloomed in his cheeks, melding beautifully with his tan skin. Cassian's clammy hands ran gently and lightly over her skin as he applied the ointment. His eyes meticulously followed what he had to do. No more than that. No lingers. No jokes played on his tongue. Chills ran through Talia's body as his fingers rubbed the ointment into her skin. To see him so differently, so fragile and unspoken, was incredibly...weird.
When he finished applying the new bandages, Cassian's eyes darted up to her lips for more than a few seconds, then up to her eyes. His hands slid down her shoulders and rested on her hips in a gentle, fluttering touch.
The touch ignited heat to bloom across Talia's cheeks as electricity raced through her body. She hesitated. "I should go. Let you rest."
"Can..." Cassian paused. His eyes stayed on hers as he thought long and hard for a few seconds. A flush of a darker pink colored his face, nearly embarrassed by what he was about to ask, "Can you please hold me until I fall asleep?"
All of the nerves, worries, and overly intrusive thoughts suddenly got overshadowed by Talia melting into his touch. She smiled and mustered up enough of a voice to say, "Of course, Cass."
It was the first time she had called him Cass since the mission. His eyes widened in surprise. No jokes came out, or other words that displayed how he felt. Cassian collapsed onto his bed and let Talia cuddle up behind him. She carefully lay on her side, making sure to not injure her arm in the sling. Then wrapped her free arm around him gently. Enough for a cuddle, but not tight enough for an embrace. Something comfortable. It had become rather soothing as Cassian melted into her touch, just as she had to his a minute ago.
Talia focused on his breathing as his whole torso rose and fell steadily. She snuggled behind him and nearly nestled into his soft hair. Cassian grabbed her hand carefully at first, then increasingly held on tighter as if the first time he'd let go, she'd disappear. When she spoke softly, her breath caused his hair to move gently, "Your parents would be proud of you, Cassian."
A long moment passed. Had he fallen asleep so quickly? Or had he thought he would never be worthy enough to make his parents proud? With who he had become, she was sure his parents would be.
"Thank you. Zara would be proud of you."
An ache of pain hit her heart. Of all the things to say, she was not expecting that. Zara...would be proud of her. Hopefully. She tried to cling to her morals. She succeeded in doing wonderful things for the Rebellion. And she had finally allowed herself to love again. Love with her entire heart and not hold herself back in fear. "Thank you..."
Cassian's voice quieted nearly to a whisper, "I don't deserve you..."
"You do, Cass. You do." Talia squeezed his hand. Whether or not she was meant to hear that, she had to tell him he was wrong. Despite their differences, they were together. They endured. No matter what, Talia did not want to leave his side. Not for anything in the entire galaxy. She lay there, listening to his steady breath. Her mind falling in tune with the heart that beat in his chest. Talia managed to stay awake long enough to make sure he fell asleep first.
Cassian never let go of Talia's hand.
Rustling items around the room perked Talia's ears as she stirred from her slumber. She opened her eyes the slightest bit, and was blinded by light. By the stars, what time was it? And why was there so much noise? Talia opened her eyes and let them adjust to the light. She blinked sleepily and saw Cassian putting on a clean blue shirt. Talia shut her eyes before he could see and attempted to go back to sleep. Maybe he hadn't noticed. It still felt way too early to be awake.
"Morning."
Damn. Now she had to wake up. Talia's voice was soft, nearly muffled completely by the pillow, "Good morning." She stretched out on the bed as much as her body would allow her to, knocking away any sleep that tried to take her under once more. The burns on her skin tingled, nearly a sharp jabbing pain like needles on her skin. She grimaced. "How are you feeling?"
"Better." A sudden silence took over as Cassian shut his mouth. He glanced away and put his captain's jacket on. His hands kept busy and fastened his blaster into its holster. A thought occurred to him, almost like a lightbulb going off above his head. He turned back to Talia and looked into her eyes. There was a softness, gentle and calming, as if the emotions emanating off of him were a river that floated over her. "Thank you."
Talia nodded and sat up. An awkward silence ensued, mainly on Talia's part. There had to be a way to put into words how she felt. But...How does one say they're sorry after a fight like they had? After what she witnessed last night? A regular old sorry wouldn't really qualify. Would it? "Cassian..."
He turned away immediately and went back to adjusting his outfit. "If it's alright with you, I'd rather not talk about it."
"No, not that. I..." She paused and tried to think of what she was going to say. Talia rubbed her eyes as a short filler. How? How? How? Jeez, why was it so hard to think of how to apologize? It just didn't sound good enough. But it's the sentiment that counts, right? Ugh.
Thankfully, there was a knock at the door.
Cassian glanced over at Talia before opening the door. It slid up to reveal a rebel.
The young man was short and stood up to Cassian's shoulder height. His hair was covered by a dark hat, which matched his uniform. The rebel was sweating. The light cast upon his dark skin and it caught the glistening sweat all over his face and hands. He wrung his fingers over a small object in his hand and glanced behind Cassian into the room. His green eyes caught onto Talia's and widened, reverting back to Cassian.
Was it rude to look into someone's room? Talia was never too sure of how things were run down here.
After a long awkward moment, the rebel spoke up, "The Senators are calling on everyone in the base to a meeting."
Cassian didn't miss a beat. "What happened?"
"Darth Vader has been captured. Transport is bringing him here now."
"Captured?" Cassian glanced back at Talia, whose eyes were also wide at the news. He swallowed hard, then turned back to the rebel. "We'll be there."
The rebel nodded scurried off.
Cassian closed the door and leaned against the wall. "Captured?" He murmured more to himself than to Talia. His mouth hung slightly open and his wide dark eyes focused on nothing.
Vader? Captured? That's why the rebel was sweating his glands out. This sounded way too good to be true. But...it could pave the way for something better. Could end a huge part of the war if word got out. Imperials wouldn't know what to do. Loyal enough, and they'd fight. To hear one of their strongest was being held by the Rebellion? Hope for their side would take a deep dive.
But how did they restrain him? That's what started to gnaw at Talia.
It only took a split second for Cassian to compose himself. To stand up straight, void the shock off his face, and allow determination to take over his features. Soldier mode never failed him. "We should go."
"Go. I'll catch up." Talia sat there for a long moment, processing what was just said. It was easier to use it as an excuse to avoid the awkward conversation they needed to have. At least for now. It would come back eventually. Right now, they had bigger issues to worry about. Cassian gave her one last glance before he left the room.
Captured. Huh. Guess they'll see how that goes. Truth is, she had a bad feeling about it. She remembered how it was with her husband. It was...sick. Twisted. Corruption at its finest. She only wondered what Vader would have been like before that corruption. Maybe he was a jedi before. Maybe he was always a sith. Either way, her stomach twisted into a tight knot.
Talia grimaced. Maybe everything would be okay. She could only hope.
Cassian leaned against the wall of the big room, tuning out the whispers and jitters of all the rebels in the room. All of their emotions were palpable. The anger heated the room, while the fear ran goosebumps up his arms. All of them watched Darth Vader, who sat in the middle of the room.
Waiting.
Vader hadn't said a word since his arrival. Maybe he hadn't said a word the whole trip. It unsettled Cassian the more he stared at him. His outfit was darker than he remembered, the black of it reflecting the light. All the man did was observe. Listen. Look around the room steadily at all of the faces of the rebels through that cold soulless mask. His breathing steadied, the loud whooshing of his inhales and exhales took over all the other sounds in the room, as if it silenced it all.
Chills ran down Cassian's spine.
That son of a gun actually did it. Wedge Antilles, amongst others, actually managed to transport Vader himself here. And the Jedi who did it? Starkiller. Through the whispers of gossip, Cassian could hardly believe it. They heard him die during their last encounter with Vader.
Either way, the newly bestowed General Kota watched over Vader, a hand delicately placed by the hilt of his lightsaber. His long white hair was tied back in a low ponytail, giving shape to his pale, wrinkled face. The long line of beard on the sides of his face lead into a goatee. His milky clouded eyes stared at nothing in particular as he listened intently to his surroundings.
There was more to the room than fear. Cassian felt the hairs on his arms rise. A menacing aura hung in the air so thick that Cassian nearly drowned in it. It set his lungs on fire like a hot wave of sunlight. If he could see Vader's eyes, he was sure there would be death in them.
The thought made Cassian's stomach sink.
Vader was calm. Calmer than he should have been. Cassian stood there, on edge, watching. Waiting. Accidentally mirroring Vader's subtle stance. He didn't know what unnerved him more. The fact that he could do that with ease, or that Vader was the same as him. A soldier. A very scary one, at that.
An attempt at interrogating Vader started. It was one rebel at first. Strong posture and commanding voice. Didn't help the effort. Vader remained silent.
The man, machine, whatever he was, wouldn't give anything away. Cassian knew it with every bone in his body. No matter what, they wouldn't break him. Soldiers remained strong until the end. Or maybe he was already broken. That thought intrigued him. Broken. Like any of them in the room. Just handling it much differently.
Cassian glanced over to the hall. Talia and Kaytoo talked at the end of it. Talia peered up at the droid, one hand on his metal arm. Kaytoo looked down at her, almost curious with the little head tilt he did.
Seeing them brought a small smile to Cassian's face. In any other setting, he'd have walked quickly to them and hugged them close. Maybe it was the fear controlling his thoughts, but he couldn't help it. The soldier-made-mask he was wearing felt so heavy, especially right now. When Talia looked over and locked eyes with him, the biggest and dorkiest smile formed on his lips. She said her goodbye to Kaytoo and began to walk down the hall towards the group.
Cassian's attention drew back to the conversation at hand. Well, it was more of a therapeutic session than an interrogation. Rebels yelled profanities and cursed the Sith lord. Some cried and talked about loved ones they'd lost or worse by the Empire's hand. Vader sat there, unfazed. Perhaps he wasn't even listening and tuned them all out.
"Do you know how it felt to live through that? To never hold my son again? Never be in my wife's arms?" A rebel stood in front of Vader, nearly yelling in his face. Tears streamed down their eyes, and it took all of their strength to hold their fists at their sides. "And now you're captured. Surrounded. You've failed."
That caught the man's attention. Vader looked around at the group, slow and steady. A hint of a laugh lingered on his deep voice, but never fully went through with it. "All I am surrounded by is fear and dead men."