Chapter One Hundred and Eighteen: The First Kiss
Near lunch time, the rain had thankfully warmed up to a much more bearable temperature, and everyone stopped to eat. Some of the faery women pulled fruits and dried vegetables out of pouches they kept at their waists, but the rest chose not to eat anything at all.
To Ella, it felt like heaven to get out of the rain and under the shelter of an overly large leaf.
She and the others camped out in the lee of a giant root, huddled in a shivering group while they ate a lunch that consisted of fruit, fruit, and more fruit.
"If my understanding of the geography in this region is correct," Gus muttered, staring off at the thick rainfall with dismayed eyes, "we are traveling parallel with the path we initially took to get here, only we started much further to the south. We'll still have to cross that giant lake."
Ella's mouth went a little dry.
"Do you really think we can cross it?" Amelia asked. "There won't be any giant water demons like last time?"
"Well, we got across with the help of Faery magic the first time," Vrael chattered, rubbing his hands together to give them a bit of warmth. "When's Phil going to join us?"
"His uncle said he needs space," Sinmir murmured, turning to look at Xaphile. "Let's just wait."
"Speaking of his uncle," Gus muttered, peering around. "Where'd he slink off to?"
"He said something about checking the health of the forests," Amelia offered, not looking up from her fruit. "I'd assume he's out and about making sure everything's in order."
Ella nodded absently, finding herself unable to look away from Xaphile.
He was sitting a good distance away from them in the rain, munching on an apple with his shoulders hunched. He'd occasionally spoken to the others in their group during the morning, but he hadn't so much as cast a look in Ella's direction, and that hadn't changed.
It bothered her more than she wanted to admit.
She knew Sinmir was right about leaving him alone, but she couldn't help herself.
Standing up, she gripped another apple and made her way out into the rain, walking over.
"Hey," she greeted, walking over with a frown. "Want some company?"
"Leave me alone, Ella," Xaphile muttered, standing up like a springboard and walking away without sparing her a second glance. "I'm not in the mood."
"Fine, but at least tell me what's wrong with yo---"
Ella's words cut off when she slipped in the mud and landed hard on her back, hitting her head hard enough to see stars and knocking the breath out of her lungs. She lay there gasping, hardly hearing the way Sinmir was suddenly laughing his ass off.
"Ella, are you all right?!" Gus called, standing up.
"Fine!" she squeaked. "I'm okay..."
Which wasn't true, but it wasn't like he would know that. Then a shadow fell over her and she found herself staring into twin spots of brilliant aquamarine. He knew she wasn't all right.
He'd probably felt her pain through the link they had.
Then again, he'd come back to check on her, at least.
Dazed, she mumbled, "Hi."
"Hn," was his oh-so-eloquent reply, and by the time she managed to sit up, he was walking away again. Ella lurched to her feet, woozy but indifferent as she stumbled after him.
"Wait!" she said, then yelled, "hey, WAIT!"
Xaphile stopped walking, but didn't turn around.
"What's wrong with you?!" she called, head still swimming. "What's wrong?"
He started walking again.
And so she stumbled along after, half-shouting half-formed thoughts until she tripped and fell and landed hard on her knees. Her head ached something fierce, her knees hurt from where she'd tripped, she was suddenly so tired she felt like her head was floating-
"You're an idiot."
Ella blearily opened her eyes. Xaphile was kneeling in front of her, elbows braced on his knees. He was frowning, eyes narrowed and lips pursed, and he'd never looked cuter. Or was that just the bump to her head making her thoughts scrambled?
"Hi," she said again, staring at every line and contour of his face. No, it wasn't the bump, he was just nice to look at, that was all. Although, his cheeks still had that odd flush, and he seemed to be breathing heavier than usual.
"You hit your head," he rasped, reaching out and cupping the back of her skull. "Hard."
Ella let out a little sigh since his hand was blazing with heat.
Her eyes fell shut since having that heat there felt right, and comforting... but it ended almost as soon as it began. She opened her eyes when she heard feet crunching over pebbles. The heat left her and Xaphile was walking away yet again.
She stared after him, feeling blank until words fell out of her mouth without her consent.
"Did I do something wrong?"
He stopped walking. Turned. The blue-green of his eyes seemed to glow in the all-grey rainy world, seemed to make the world bleach out until all there was was his eyes, staring at her, glowing with fury and... and contrary to the set of his eyes, his voice was soft.
"I'm not angry with you, Ella," he murmured, long ear flicking; rain water flew from it.
She took a deep breath.
"Then why," she asked, "won't you come anywhere near me, Xaphile?"
He growled, lips twitched back to show off his sharp teeth.
"Don't say my name," he snapped.
"Xaphile, why-"
"Don't!"
Ella went still, mouth gaping open in absolute shock... and then she closed her mouth again. His clawed hands clenched tightly at his sides, shaking as lean fingers ground into his palms, rending gashes into his flesh, and as she watched a trail of bright red blood slicked out from between those fingers and fell in a patter to the stones beneath his feet.
"I am not," he said, voice shaking with barely-contained emotion, "angry with you."
"Then who are you angry with?"
He didn't reply, breath rushing out of his nose as his head tipped back, eyes closing. His shoulders seemed as taut as steel cable when he said, "Me."
Ella stared at him. His eyes opened.
"I'm... not okay right now, and for whatever reason, this fever I have," he said, voice still shaking with that suppressed emotion she couldn't fathom, "you only make it worse. It's... weird."
"Xaphile," she said, and he glared at her with such heat she nearly thought she'd catch fire.
"Don't say my name," he hissed, eyes blazing. "Just looking at you is shattering the little self control I have; can you at least try to make this easier on me by not calling for me in that voice?"
"I'm not trying to-"
"I know," he said, cutting her off. "You have no idea what you're doing." He turned on his heel again, looking back at her over one shoulder. "That's the worst part of it. And that's why you need to stay away until whatever the hell is happening to me right now stops."
It took her a minute to process what he'd said, and the implications, and the mysteries.
Then: "What can I do?"
His eyes closed; lips turned down at the corners. "Just don't talk to me until this... fever, or whatever it is subsides. If you come near me, I can't... I can't promise that you'll be safe."
Ella's eyes widened, and she stomped forward.
"Safe from what?!" she demanded. "Now you have me really worried! What are you hiding?!"
When he started walking again, she followed him... so he started walking faster. She was stubborn, though... she chased him, despite her sore knees and aching head.
Before she realized it, they were full out sprinting.
They were long out of everyone's vision range when she finally caught hold of his tail. He didn't completely stop running, but his sprint slowed to a deliberate, long lope. They were surrounded by greenery and velvet rain, and she was about to demand that he stop and tell her the truth.
But before she could, he stopped running, breathing heavily.
With a whirl, he turned around and clutched her arms with shaking hands.
"Why are you so damn stubborn?" he panted. "Ella, I don't do things without a reason! It's not your fault, but I need to be alone, because right now, something isn't right with my god damn body!"
"Then tell me what's wrong and I'll help you!" she snapped, clutching his wrists. "I'm not going anywhere!"
"Why?!"
"Because!" she snapped, letting out a huff. "I love you, idiot!"
His eyes hazed over and he shivered; his hands slackened on her arms and he let go, limbs dropping to his sides. They stared at each other for a long time.
"Ella..." he muttered, speaking in a raspy tone she wasn't familiar with. "Don't say that..."
"Never!" she scoffed, stepping forward and setting her soaked forehead against his chest, ignoring the fact that he was sopping wet. "I love you, Xaphile. That is why this pains me. When you act like this, it makes me feel like I have wronged you again in some way."
When she pulled back, his eyes were dark with something she wasn't used to seeing.
She blinked when his clawed hand came up to the side of her face.
"I can't..." he growled, straining his voice, "Ella... stop... this isn't... safe."
"What ails you?" she asked, speaking in a softer tone when she saw him struggling. "Tell me. I can handle the truth, and if I must, I'll say it again: I trust you, okay? You've reigned yourself in before when things have taken control, so get hold of your wits and... and... uh..."
Her heart backflipped when his catlike pupils shrank into slits, aquamarine irises glazing over as the tense expression on his face became strangely feral.
She wondered whether she was seeing things, but then... time halted.
For a brief moment, it just stopped.
She didn't know who leaned forward first, him or her or both at the same time... but they kissed each other and that was that.
No more waiting, no more hesitation, no more over analyzing or hedging or claiming this wasn't real, this wasn't happening, no more I don't feel anything for you, because it was obvious in the way her hands fisted in his hair and in the way he wrapped her in an embrace so tight she thought her ribs would crack that something was there.
Something as palpable as his firm lips and her speeding heart.
It was in her blazing cheeks and the strange sound halfway between a sob and a plea that echoed in her throat, and it was in the purr that vibrated his entire upper body.
Light flickered from his lips and sparked against her own, and soothing warmth slid from his mouth into her own, and into every breath she took.
She vaguely realized what was happening, but it was like her mind had disconnected from her head, since everything just felt good.
It felt right.
The magic flooding into her from their kiss wasn't an airless vacuum like the last time.
Xaphile wasn't in any obvious pain.
She could breathe.
If anything, it was actually easier to breathe now.
Everything around her grew so blindingly bright that she began to tremble.
Then it was over.
The kiss only lasted for a minute, a simple press of mouth to mouth that didn't exchange anything more potent - though potent it most certainly was - than searing heat, magic, pointed intention, and something else she couldn't name, and then they broke apart completely and stared like they'd never truly seen each other before in their lives.
His mouth looked perfect; his eyes looked wild; he seemed ready to take her back at any moment and finish what they'd started, for better or for worse, consequences be damned and--
He bolted.
The hope that had set her heart on fire nearly shattered it when he turned tail and tried to run.
"Hey!" Ella cried, clutching her mouth and tearing after him. "Don't you dare!"
He slowed to a halt before he could really start running and tensed, muscles bulging.
"I'm... sorry. I... didn't want to do that."
It wasn't the best thing to say.
Ella's hands disappeared into her cloak as she looked at him; when he turned, he was breathing deeply through his nose with eyes that she couldn't read.
Everything about him seemed to burn, most of all the air around his body. Waves of heat radiated off of him.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Ella said a little shakily. "I... I admit, it caught me extremely off guard... but...
"Pretend it never happened," he muttered, ears pulling low, "I didn't... mean for it to happen. I meant to avoid it, in fact."
Ella gaped at him. How could she ever...? But that had been so...
How could she ever forget that?
His jaw twitched.
It didn't happen," he muttered, taking her silence in a way she hadn't intended, and he continued walking away with without another word.
"Xaphile!" she said, turning after him, and he stopped. She could barely make out his shape in the rainfall, but she could still feel him like he was beside her, could still feel his heat on her lips, back, chest, everywhere, and not just where he'd touched.
"What?"
"Xaphile, it happened!" she said, the words bursting out before she could check them. "It happened, and--"
He turned, features bland... calm but tense, almost like he was waiting for her to take it all back.
"It... it happened," she said more softly. She couldn't think of what else to say, so she repeated yet again, "it happened."
His ears flicked and he swallowed hard.
"It wasn't supposed to," he rasped in a low, husky tone. "That's what I'm trying to say."
She would never admit it, but his words... they almost made her cry.
They hurt.
They hurt bad, and she suddenly hated it so much that it made her unbearably angry.
"But it did," she shakily shot back. "It happened, even if it wasn't supposed to! Acknowledge what you did instead of demanding that we forget it... because that kiss... I know I'll remember it for the rest of my life, even if things don't work out between us. That kiss was... magical."
When she opened the doors to her emotions so he could see the truth, his composure cracked and she knew that he could feel just how much his words had hurt her, could sense what his actions had done to her heart.
He let out a deep sigh through his nose.
"Ella," he muttered, "I need you to know that I'm not myself right now. Please."
"What do you mean?" she asked, heart sinking. "Xaphile, you just kissed me of your own volition! You aren't under the influence of magic right now, so... why do you deny it? I don't want to believe it, but... is this an excuse to avoid acknowledging what you just did?"
His nostrils flared in irritation and he closed his eyes.
"No... I'll acknowledge it," he grunted, then opened his eyes and looked down at her through his lashes, "but I won't talk about it. You're right. This happened, and I was conscious of what I was doing, that much is true... but I'm still not in full control of myself due to an outside influence on my body."
"What?" Her heart sank even further. "So...."
"I wasn't fully consenting to my own actions," he growled, then turned away and stiffly looked at the ground, "but... it happened. Even if I wasn't ready for it... it happened."
Ella stared at him, feeling her hurt and anger intensifying thricefold.
She was just about to explode and yell at him for toying with her heart when she remembered that the two of them had just been bound together through the kiss.
Amelia's outburst from a few weeks ago about the dangers of kissing a primordial faery came rushing to the front of her mind, and her whole body froze as her thoughts roved over that long ago argument.
"There are two types of bond given by a kiss, and both of them only manifest when certain emotions are present in both parties," Amelia had muttered. "When you kissed him... what exactly happened? And how did the reaction affect your body?! Good? Bad?"
"A strange light erupted from his mouth and flew into my mine. As for how it felt... rather unpleasant, actually. It felt like there was no air while his magic was flowing into me."
"Thank the gods. You were bound with the second type of seal, and since he obviously wasn't willing, it's not nearly as strong as it should be. Maybe you're not an idiot after all."
She stared at him with eyes that grew bigger than dinner plates.
Even Zelphira had said that emotions had something to do with how the Kiss Seal worked. It was only supposed to show up if certain feelings were present, and because the magic that had bound them together had given off a completely different feeling than the time before...
Her heart skipped a beat and an idea began to take shape.
She knew what he looked like when he lied and that meant... she could get an answer out of him no matter what he said.
"Deny that you feel something for me," she said hotly. "Right now."
His pupils expanded and his shoulders tensed, but when he didn't respond, her eyes narrowed.
"Deny it!" she repeated. "Now!"
He closed his eyes and turned his face away.
"Deny it!"
"I... can't," he finally ground out. "Ella... now... is not... the time."
Ella silently cursed. He'd obviously caught on to what she was trying to do.
He was tricky.
"Why can't you deny it?!" she asked. "Tell me!"
"I just can't."
"TELL ME!"
"BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A LIE!" he finally roared, flushed face turning red; her eyes snapped open wide and her heart rose out of the unhappy anxiety that had engulfed it. He breathed heavily for a few seconds, then rubbed his eyes. "I'm still figuring myself out, Ella. It's too soon to talk about it. Like I said... I'm not ready. Not for this, or even what just happened here."
"Ready or not," she said softly, smiling a little, "I'm thankful the truth."
Which was true. Even though Ella did feel a little disappointed that he'd basically said such an amazing kiss was something he hadn't wanted, she was emboldened by what his words and this whole conversation implied. It was proof that they were growing closer.
It was proof that her feelings and her effort to win his heart weren't completely in vain.
Even though he was denying full control of himself, his own magic had bound them together pleasantly, and she'd even felt something in his embrace while he'd kissed her. Something that clearly said part of what he'd done hadn't just been instinct.
It gave her hope.
The sense that everything was different-and yet familiar, and welcome-lingered long after the moment passed.
"Let's head back," she said, rubbing her head. "I want to see if Amelia can heal my bruises."
"Fine, but seriously, keep your distance until whatever this is fully wears off," he croaked. "I'm... I'm just... hot all over... and... as embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm having... guy problems."
Ella stared blankly.
"Guy problems?" she blankly asked. "What do you mean?"
His ears pulled low, and he swallowed hard, face turning red.
"Let's just say," he grumbled, shaking his head, "my libido has gone whacko for some reason."
Ella frowned, trying to figure out what he meant... but then her eyes widened.
Her own face burned hotly and she swallowed hard.
"Oh," she said flatly, blinking rapidly. "Ohhh... uh, I... I see... um... you should talk to your uncle."
"Vordt?" he rasped, looking dismayed. "Why?"
"He might know how to help you with this... illness," she tentatively proffered. "If you recall, he never really went into detail about it... but, if it's affecting your... uh... well, you know... I think you should talk to him about it. Especially if it had something to do with what just happened."
He stared at her. "I didn't think you would handle a topic like this so well."
"And why wouldn't I?" Ella asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're a boy, Xaphile... and while I may be fairly young, I'm still old enough to know that boys have certain... erm... urges. I really do think you should talk to your uncle about this."
"Uh... I don't think he'd be too thrilled with me for asking him explain it."
"Perhaps," Ella agreed, "but you have to admit, it's nice knowing there's someone you can go to when you need to talk about mysterious boy things. Or something."
He blinked at her. "Mysterious boy things?"
"Ugh, Xaphile! Don't be an idiot! I know men have certain... problems... but I don't know what they do about them when this stuff happens!" she snapped, flailing her arms. "I'm a girl, remember? Talking to Vordt is a better idea than you talking to Sinmir or Gus about this, since they'd probably just put a lot of perverse ideas into your head!"
He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, making a face.
"Fine, fine, I'll talk to Vordt!" he grumbled. "Let's not make this any more awkward, okay?"
"I agree," she muttered, then shook her soaked, muddy cloak out. "Now, let's head back."
The walk back to the others was a silent, slightly embarrassing one indeed.