Once Amenhotep left, I felt both empty and hopeful at the same time. Artaxerxes locked me back in after Amenhotep had gone, and I lay on my bed, gazing at the wall I could not see for lack of light.
If only the moon would illuminate it. I could have born the moonlit, white wall, but the darkness at night with no moon was unbearable.
I sobbed in silence then. I loved Amenhotep so much, and I was afraid: afraid of what might happen to him, afraid of what was being done to me, and afraid of the whole outcome. For the first time in my life, I felt entirely helpless and hopeless. I wanted to give up and give in in that moment and die.
At that point, I realized I could not die yet. Amenhotep loved me, and I knew it would break his heart if I stopped fighting and died. That was the only thing keeping me from turning away my food and dying a slow death of starvation. Well, perhaps I would not starve; Thutmose was sure to force the food on me if I tried that ploy, and I knew it would never work anyway.
I lay there on the bed, crying, my heart breaking, no longer caring if the guards heard my wild tears. I wanted to be free. My soul longed for the freedom I had known, and I longed to be free of the room I was enclosed in. Yet, I knew that in order for that to happen, I had to capitulate to Thutmose and all his wishes. That was something I was not ready to do yet, but after the many long days of staring at the same four white walls, I was teetering on the precipice of giving in to him. Only the knowledge that my life would become hell afterwards kept me from throwing myself at his feet and begging him to release me.
A few hours later, Thutmose himself swept in. He saw my red eyes and knew I had been crying. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he gave me a searching look. He scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around me. For the first time in days, I flinched. I did not want his smooth hands touching me, and I certainly did not want his arm around my shoulder. Anger boiled within me and for the first time in a week, I moved boldly away from him.
“Keep your hands off of me!” I spat at him.
His eyes betrayed his surprise. Clearly, he had believed I had broken in farther than I had. The visit Amenhotep had paid me had strengthened my resolve for now, but I knew it still wavered on the brink of being snuffed out. How much longer I could keep this up, I wondered.
Thutmose’s mouth set in a firm, hard line. “Are we back to this? I thought you were past this, Nefertiti.” He raised an eyebrow in question.
He was obviously irritated with me.
Well good! I hope he dies! I thought irritably.
Then I regretted it. It was dishonest and unkind and more than likely, Ma’at would not like it. Yet somehow, I could not bring myself to apologize to the goddess. Perhaps it was because I truly did hope he would die.
“Back to this?” I hissed. “We were never past it!”
“Really? You were not resisting my touch and my presence yesterday! You seemed to have given up that much ground. I believed we were making progress towards a happier existence for both of us. I dislike this as much as you do, Nefertiti. Despite what you may believe, I do not like doing this to you. It takes a lot of time, and it makes me upset to see you this way.” Thutmose told me.
The fat-bellied liar! I thought, enraged.
“I hate you!” I yelled. “Go away and leave me alone! Please...” The last word was a strangled sob.
I tried to turn away from him; I could not bear for him to see my tears. He put his hands on my arms and kept me from turning away from him. That only made me angrier with him, and I could not hold back the tears of frustration and loneliness. Amenhotep’s visit had intensified the lonliness because after his visit, I had realized just what I was missing locked away here.
He wiped away the tear sliding down my cheek with a gentleness that surprised me, but then a bitter thought came to my mind. He is only being kind to weaken you further so that you will give in to him.
But he surprised me further. He embraced me, holding me close against him like Amenhotep had. It was not comforting like Amenhotep’s embrace had been, but neither was it disconcerting or menacing like the other times he had touched me or held me had been.
I went still and stiff. I had no idea what to make of this, but I was certain I did not like this turn of events at all. I shoved him away from me.
The anger and revulsion I held towards him blazed in my eyes through my tears. I could no longer shout; my emotions were too raw, and I was too choked up to do any such thing, but my response was just as potent as and much bitterer than the first.
“Just stay away from me...” I told him, trying to sound commanding, but it came out more as a plea than a command.
I rubbed my arms where his hands had rested before I had wrested them from him.
“No.” Thutmose’s voice was quiet as he continued, “I admire your stubbornness, Nefertiti. It took this to teach me that you could match me with stubbornness, but can you outlast me? End this now, I beg of you. You can have anything you want if you will only be mine. As I have grown to know you, the more I have grown to want your love and you...” He whispered.
I looked deep into his eyes, and what I saw in their depths surprised me. He was telling the truth. Yes, he still held some of that old hunger and passion, and I was sure that made up half of his current longing for me, but his eyes betrayed a deeper longing. The intensity and depth I saw to him then scared me speechless.
Perhaps he was faking it, but if he was, he was too good at pretending for me to detect the fraud in his words. Besides, how could anyone fake what I was seeing in his eyes? A person could say what they liked, but their eyes would nearly always tell a different story if they were lying. And Thutmose’s eyes matched with his words.
I tried to speak, but I failed. Then I tried again and finally, the words came. Yet, they were not really the words to choose, I am afraid. “Thutmose, you say you want my heart, but I cannot give it. It is another’s and has been for years. I am sorry. My life you may have in the end, but my heart you will never have.” I murmured.
Suddenly, the enormity of the thing overwhelmed me. Thutmose wanted my heart and my love, but I could not give it, which meant he would never truly be satisfied with me as his wife. I, on the other hand, loved another that I could not have, and so I would never truly be happy until I had the impossible. Neither of us would be happy, and both of us seemed to know it.
“Why can I not be free of this whole thing? Free to wed the one I choose?” I asked, looking at the floor in misery.
“Because we are both part of a system that we cannot break, and we both know this is the way of it. I could relinquish my claim to you if I wished, but I do not wish to. For years now I have wanted you, not your love perhaps, but I was drawn to you. Now I want your love too, but if I cannot have it, at least I may have you.” He whispered.
“Why is it that you never showed these feelings on your previous visits?” I asked, bitterness tingeing my tone.
“Because I was only beginning to feel what I strongly feel now at the beginning, and in the most recent visits, I was not yet ready to share them.”
“But why leave me in the dark to them? I would have been kinder and less harsh if I had known that it was not simply my marriage to you, but also my love, you were after! Even if I could never give it to you, I would still have been less cruel in my words. I would not have believed that you were a heartless viper as easily as I have. Even now, I find it hard to believe you after everything you have put me through, Thutmose!” The torrent of bitter words tumbled out of my mouth in a heart-rending gush of anguish.
In some ways, I hated him less, but in one way, I still hated him. Oh, yes, how I hated him for putting me through this. How I hated what he had done to me! I would never be the same after this, and I knew it.
I sank down onto the floor, the tears coming again. He sat beside me and wiped the tears away again. He lifted my face gently and kissed me, but it was not like the others. This time, I knew he cared. There was passion behind it, but I did not respond. I let him do it, not fighting him or resisting, but not returning the kiss. He released me after a moment, seeing that I did not respond and sighed. “So you will never give me your love?”
“No.”
“When will you give in and marry me, then?”
“I do not know. I am not ready to do that yet, Thutmose. Perhaps if you truly do prove that you love me in the next few months, I will agree to it. I know as well as you that I cannot have Amenhotep, and there is no reason to continue resisting marriage to you if I know you truly care about me. It is just… I cannot bear to marry someone who wants me only so they can display me where I will look prettiest.” I told him.
He nodded, getting to his feet. Tears still glittered in my eyes, but I held them back.
“Then I will go now. By the way, I have had Amenhotep confined to the main parts of the palace and his room for now. I found out about his little escapade. I’m sorry, Nefertiti, but he cannot be allowed to question my authority like he did when he came to visit you. If he thinks he can get away with it now before I’m Pharaoh, he may decide he can get away with it once I am Pharaoh too. I cannot allow that.
"But I am sorry that it will hurt you. At least he is not in the pits.” He turned away for a moment, then hesitated and turned back. “I will tell the guards you are allowed to go back to your rooms. You will not be able to leave them of course; that would seem as though I was capitulating to you, and by now, the servants and others know of your captivity and the reason for it. I cannot lose their respect in such a large manner. You are to be allowed free rein of your rooms, however, on the understanding that you will not leave them, nor will you attempt to escape.”
I nodded. “Alright. I will agree to that, and… thank you, Thutmose.”
He left then, leaving me to stand there, stunned and frightened. I did not know what to make of this, nor was I certain what it would mean for me in the future, but I did know it scared me. I was, however, grateful to him for the kindness he had shown me in allowing me to return to my rooms, where I would be comfortable and somewhat happier. Yet, overshadowing all of this was my worry for Amenhotep in his confinement. I knew not what Thutmose might decide to do next. I had thought him predictable, but today he had proved me wrong and that scared me most of all.