Clara got to her room, stripped off her disguise and threw it into the fireplace. Dressed in her chemise, she sat on the rug before the fire, hugging her knees as she watched it burn.
A sudden draft made the flames flicker and a chill run down her spine. The source now stood in the doorway to her balcony. Benjamin closed the door behind him and strode over to her, lifting her up from her spot on the floor. His grip was almost painful but she refused to say a word.
"I didn't ask for this. I made my life so I would never be tempted by such entanglements, but then you had to show up at White's dressed in those ridiculous clothes and change everything."
He let her go and she stood before him still fearful to speak, not wishing to interrupt.
He looked broken and she wished to hold him, to keep him from falling apart.
"You are right. You own me. Heart and soul, they belong to you. Never will they reside with me again. Take care of them, Clara. They are more fragile than they appear, and for as long as my heart beats, I will always love you."
He watched as a tear rolled down her cheek. "No," he said. "Please don't cry. Things happen for a reason. I would not have made you a good husband. I live a very dangerous life. One that is not meant to be shared with anyone. I have nothing to offer you, Clara. None of what you truly want."
She took the few steps that lay between them, closing the distance. She looked up at his face and said plainly, "All I want...is you."
His breath rushed from his lungs at her words. This was like some sort of living death. The pain was worse than any torture he has ever received. "Clara, please... have mercy on me. I beg of you."
She reached out and took his hand in hers and gently brought it to her lips. "I wish nothing more than to make the pain go away. Tell me... tell me how to make it stop and I will do it."
His eyes burned with unshed tears. He felt his lungs fail to take a breath. And then he crushed her to him. He wanted to hold on tight and never...ever let go.
Clara could hear his heart beat, echoing her own in her ears. She felt so safe in his arms. His embrace felt like home. He kissed the top of her head as he held her and she burrowed a little deeper, his arms instinctively tightened around her.
They were on borrowed time, and he wished nothing more than to capture this one moment, to hold it close, to put in his pocket to admire from time to time when he was once again on his own.
It seemed and eternity they just stood there. Her in his embrace, until finally his arms fell to his sides and Clara felt the loss immediately. She wanted to scream. She wanted to curse God and the Heavens above for the injustice of it all.
"I must go."
"No," Clara pleaded. "No, please... you cannot."
"I must."
"I am not as brave or as strong as you," Clara stated blandly, "If you leave, you leave me with no reason to continue."
"I leave because I must. Not because it is what I wish or desire," he brushed the side of her cheek with his hand. "I need you to stay strong Clara. I need you to do this for me. Tell me you will do so."
"I cannot."
"You can and you must!" He took her face within his palms and lowered his lips to hers. He placed within that kiss all that he felt for her and a promise of something more.
"To bed with you," he said, as if she were a child.
And just like a child she shook her head no. He picked her up in his arms and laid her upon her bed. "Stay," she pleaded.
"Only until you fall asleep."
She nodded and moved over so he could join her on the bed.
He laid down next to her and wrapped her up in his arms once more. "Sweet Dreams, Clara. I love you."
She moved in even closer. "I love you, too."
When the sun decided to greet the day. Clara found herself alone. She had no idea when she finally fell asleep. She fought it for as long as she could, knowing he would leave the minute she had done so.
"It's about time you got up!" her Aunt said sending in a servant to dress her. "I thought you intended to sleep the day away," Lady Cantrell said, pulling the curtains open so the room flooded with light.
Clara wanted to retreat from the sudden brightness, it did not match her mood at all.
"No, no not that one! She has to look her best!" Lady Cantrell barked at the maid. "There! That one! And be quick about it! I expect her down those stairs in no less then 10 minutes do you understand?!"
The maid nodded.
Her Aunt had left and the maid made short work of her. Before Clara could even complain, she was washed and dressed. The woman worked at a fast and furious pace to style her hair in a fashionable chignon. "What is the hurry?" she asked the woman as she worked.
"I do not know, Miss. Only that your fiancé has come to see you. The house has been a buzz as he refuses to leave until he sees you in person. It has put Lady Cantrell in quite a state."
"I see," Clara could not imagine why Mr. Banks would be demanding to see her. None of this made much sense. She played with reasons as she descended the stairs but could think of none.
The drawing room doors were opened by the butler and she step through. "Here at last. Just as I promised," her Aunt proclaimed.
"You may leave us now."
Clara stood there amazed as she watched her Aunt scurry off to who knows where and Benjamin step forward.
"Benjamin?!" Her heart could scarcely believe her eyes.
"But how...why are you here?"
Benjamin smiled and held his arms open to her and she no longer cared about answers. Instead, she went rushing into his embrace.
As he held her, he said, "I could not sleep. Not one wink. And I decided... I cannot function. I cannot live without you."
"But my Aunt? Mr. Banks?"
"Your Aunt and I have come to terms. However, the decision to break your engagement with Mr. Banks and sign on with me is still yours to make? So, I ask you Lady Clara Bentley, will you be, forever mine? Will you be my wife?"
Clara's head reeled. She did not understand how all this was happening but answered him, "Yes, you silly man of course YES... Dear God, Yes!" Clara smothered him in kisses as she said this, causing him to laugh.
He captured her face and kissed her soundly. Then he pulled back and said, "Then you will not be needing this and he slipped the ring Banks gave her from her finger and replaced it with one of his own. A beautiful rose gold ring set with an opal and seed pearls.
"Oh, Benjamin it's beautiful!"
Benjamin smiled at her. "It was my mother's. She had a wildly successful marriage to my father so I'm hoping it will bestow on us the same favor."
He placed Banks' ring in a small envelope, and placed it on the mantle. Still playing with her ring she looked up at him. "How can this be? Tell me I'm still not dreaming."
"You are not dreaming, Dove. Your Aunt just wishes to make the best match for you. I am in far better shape than Mr. Banks financially. When I explained the situation and said I wanted your hand in marriage, she readily agreed."
"But I told her the decision was ultimately yours. She wanted to wake you up immediately but I knew you were up late and wanted you to get your rest. It was driving her mad and unfortunately she took it out on the staff here. When it reached noon, I relented."
"She nearly raced up those stairs. She is quite spry for a woman of her advance years."
Clara giggled, then became serious, "What of Mr. Banks?"
"He will receive a letter of refusal from your Aunt, explaining you have chosen to join a convent, and his ring will be returned to him."
"A convent?"
"You leave with me tonight. I have an estate in the country. In a few days, we will be wed there. You may invite any family you wish, but I'm afraid it must be an understated affair. My work... well... I work for the Crown. It is a position that requires me to do things and go places that may be quite dangerous. It's imperative that you be kept safe. So, no one other than those you know you can trust implicitly can know you are my wife."
"Oh," Clara said softly as the realization of what she was agreeing to set in. "I am to disappear."
Benjamin frowned and stepped towards her and then stopped. "I can not make this decision for you, but yes, in a manner of speaking. The people you are closest too and trust will be the only people who know. They may visit you any time that you wish but you will need to steer clear of London. If certain people discovered I was married... well... they will use you as a weapon against me."
"Weapon? How?"
"I know too many secrets, Clara. But if it were your life at stake, I would turn them over in a heartbeat. You are my greatest joy but you are also my greatest weakness."
Clara sat down for a moment. It was a lot to take in. Now she understood why he thought he could not give her what she wanted. Why he pushed her away.
He knelt down in front of her. "I know it is a lot to ask."
"I can handle being alone," Clara said, "I have spent most of my life that way. And I know I do not wish to face a life without you. With you I finally feel at home. I refuse to lose that."
"Then what is you concern, Dove?"
"When you leave, will I know where you are? How will I know you are alive?"
Benjamin tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. He pulled her notebook from his pocket. "Teach me your code and I promise to let you know if not where I am, at least how I am doing."
"My notebook," Clara said clutching it to her. "I thought I lost it. You've had it all this time?"
"Yes, and I still can not make heads or tales from it. So, if you teach me your code I promise to keep in touch."
"What about family?"
"Family? I have none to worry about me."
"No, I mean," Clara looked slightly embarrassed but this was important to her, "...children?"
"Children?" It was not something he had ever considered. He barely got over the idea of having a wife.
"Do you not like, children?"
"What's not to like?" Benjamin stalled, willing his brain to process what she was asking.
Clara's brows furrowed and she tried again, "Do you not want children?"
"To be honest with you, Clara. I have never considered the idea. I never had the option so never developed an opinion on the matter."
"And now that you do have the option?" Clara pressed.
He could see this meant a lot to her. "Is this a deal breaker for you, Clara?"
Clara did not care for the turning of tables. She knew she wanted children. She's always wanted them. Wanted what she never felt she had, a real family. Could she live without them?
"No, but I would like the subject to stay open for discussion at a later date. I want children, Benjamin. More importantly, I want to have your children."
Her declaration stirred something deep within him. He had never considered but he knew if he could keep them safe, he would deny her nothing.
"Agreed."
Clara beamed at him and once again it struck him just how much he loved her.
"Then let us give my Aunt the good news."
Lady Cantrell was overjoyed for her niece. Mr. McAllister had connections to the crown and his immense wealth more than made up for his lack of title. The whole affair was a bit sorted but she'd use her own connections to smooth things over with Mr. Banks and the gossips.
Truthfully she could care less about either. It was more important to her that her niece settled well. She deeply loved both her nieces, unlike their mother. Being unable to have children of her own, her nieces were the closest she would ever come to having daughters.
Clara managed to do even better than her sister Annabelle who married a barrister. Although, how and when she managed to capture Mr. McAllister's heart was still a puzzle.
However, watching the way Mr. McAllister looked at her niece, she knew she made the right decision. Now both of her girls have settled well and she could die a happy woman.