Illegal My Ass

By makeandoffer

34.6M 844K 478K

Mia Hastings was never one to follow the rules. Her brother knew it, her best friend knew it. Everyone knew... More

Illegal My Ass
Chapter 2- 'Your hands are exploring more than Dora.'
Chapter 3-'And why exactly did you beat down Crocodile Dundee over there?'
Chapter 4- 'You'll thank me when you wake up without herpes.'
Chapter 5- 'Dude, you actually have a mangina.'
Chapter 6- 'There is no finer art than pornography.'
Chapter 7- 'What are you talking about? I could so get laid in prison'
Chapter 8- 'You spoon raped me Hastings.'
Chapter 9-' You did NOT have sex in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.'
Chapter 10- 'And by it, I mean my metaphorical penis.'
Chapter 11- 'I'd rather shove Harry Potters wand up my ass.'
Chapter 13- 'I'm not touching it Drake.'
Chapter 14- 'Oh nothing really, just making your grandchildren.'
Chapter 15- 'Be ready with the camera as soon as we hear trousers unzip.'
Chapter 16- Every man has a zombie plan.
Chapter 17- 'Isn't it my job to get you wet?'
Chapter 18- 'We drink like immortals.'
Chapter 19- 'Prisons changed you man.'
Chapter 20- 'Spooning always leads to forking.'
Chapter 21- 'All it takes is a bag of cheese balls to say I love you.'
Chapter 22- 'That was uncalled for...you pool table whore.'
Chapter 23- 'Shut up or I will never touch you again.'
Chapter 24- 'He's sat on a toilet, high & singing the Family Guy theme tune.'
Chapter 25- 'It was like we were possessed...By two really horny ghosts.'
Chapter 26- 'I don't want my family to think I prefer sausage to sea food.'
Chapter 27- 'You're right. It's not a date. It's a freaking Marriage.'
Chapter 28- 'And by elephant, I meant his massive hard on.'
Chapter 29- 'I didn't punch him in the throat. I think that went well.'
Chapter 30- 'Hold on, I forgot my sombrero.'
Chapter 31- 'Drake, did we make babies last night?'
Chapter 32- 'We full on had a Jerry Springer moment in the middle of a bar.'
Chapter 33- 'Probably commandment number one of the hoe bible.'
Chapter 34- 'You taste like sunshine...and beer.'
Chapter 35- 'My brain shut off and my penis took the wheel.'
Chapter 36- 'This is the effect O'Connell penis has on a girl.'
Chapter 37- 'We were screwed. And not in the good way.'
Chapter 38- 'We were more public than a Kardashian.'
Chapter 39- ' You're rocking the walk of shame uniform.'
Chapter 40- 'You're thinking about my penis aren't you?'
Chapter 41- 'We stole a parrot & tried to teach it how to sing Bump N Grind'
Chapter 42- 'He tried and failed like the Twilight Films.'
Chapter 43- 'Stop avoiding the question you giant Dildo!'
Chapter 44- 'I'm like the Superman of the boner world.'
Chapter 45- 'Try to stall him without taking your clothes off.'
Chapter 46- 'I'm like a butcher, I enjoy showing everyone my meat.'
Chapter 47- 'Every compliment is expected to be repaid in blowjobs.'
Chapter 48- 'You need to see the size of him. He was like a Fridge.'
Chapter 49- 'Unwillingly, I decided to stop threatening the Hospital staff.'
Chapter 50- 'I was like James Bond, but with a vagina.'
Chapter 51- 'I didn't say I knew how to pick them.'
EPILOGUE

Chapter 12- 'Well done Mia, you beat the crap out of an old guy.'

635K 14.8K 6.8K
By makeandoffer

A/N: So since i wrote that message to you guys and got like a 100 repies in about 5 minutes saying you want these guys to stay as Crude as they are, I've decided fuck Wattpad. this story can stay R rated cos i have amazing readers already! thank you so much and i hope you enjoy :)


MIA POV

Lies.

That always seemed to be Drake O’Connell’s first language.

As soon as he stormed through the living room into the kitchen with that thunderous look in his eyes I knew something was seriously wrong. Drake was a man to get angry about once every blue moon, most of the time he took things on the chin and laughed at them.

When something actually managed to anger him, you knew it was serious.

And normally when it was serious, he would do his usual deal and keep it bottled inside.

I didn’t really hear much of the conversation apart from the last bit about telling someone’s boss to blow him. I was seriously debating on slapping his senses back to him; I could tell he was struggling to find a job and the one offer he did get by the sounds of it he turned down. With his ever so colourful vocabulary.

It was probably some sort of job that would hurt his ego, like working in McDonalds or something.

Idiot.

I shook my head at his explanation. If you could even call that pile of steamy bullshit an explanation.

“One of these days Drake I will manage to get some honesty out of you.” I tell him as I walk to the fridge, opening it and pulling out the beer I came into the kitchen to get for Garry in the first place.

I was just about to shut the fridge door when suddenly a hand wrapped around my wrist.

I looked up at those big brown eyes, staring at me so seriously I actually did a double take to see if it was Drake. Drake wasn’t serious.

He cocked his head slightly to the side, blinking at me like he was taking something in.

I actually found myself breathing a little heavier from his stare.

“You want to hear something honest?” he asks, his voice was deep and it pulled me into every word he was about to say. I didn’t reply and just stood there, my breath still coming out heavier than it should be. He finally spoke again “You can do so much better.”

And with that, he let go of my wrist and walked out of the kitchen, leaving me stood basically in the fridge still trying to catch my breath. Thank the actual lord I was in the fridge right now because I definitely needed something to cool me down. I was seriously tempted to go and fill the bathtub with ice as another resort.

I almost dropped the freaking beer in my hand, which would have been an absolute disaster. One of my beliefs, never waste alcohol.

I could be the alcoholic’s preacher.

The beer. Garry’s beer.

I snapped out of the weird little trance I was in as I suddenly remembered the guy I was seeing was in the next room waiting for me to come back and join him. And what was I doing?

Getting breathless over Drake freaking O’Connell. Who seemed to be giving me relationship advice?

What parallel time warp have I been sucked into?

I closed the fridge door, regretting it as suddenly I felt a little clammy as I prepared myself to go into the living room and see Garry. Why I have no idea.

We had been seeing how this thing goes for about 2 weeks now and to be honest it was going great. He was everything that I wanted from a guy I would be in a relationship with. He was having the classic case of ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ because right now he seemed like he was trying to make up for everything that happened between us. He was caring, funny, attentive, loving. Overall he was great.

So why wasn’t I feeling it?

I mean I was happy don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t like I thought I would be. I thought after a while I would gradually begin to feel all the things I felt for Garry again, but right now I just felt like I was going with it. Like it was something to pass the time. I put it down to me still not having gotten over the fact he split up with me all those months ago. That had to be it.

I walked back into the living room, the big smile plastered on my lips as I caught Garry’s eyes. His face lit up instantly as he saw me, taking me beer from my hand.

“Thank you.” He said, placing a small kiss on my lips to show his gratitude. He took a swig of the beer and placed it on the side of the pool table before taking his shot.

I stood there waiting, both hands around my pool cue as I tried to pay attention to the game we were playing.

Without meaning to, my eyes went to the double doors and landed on Drake.

He was sat on a sun lounger laughing with the guys about something. From the look on his face mere minutes ago when he got off the phone, I knew Drake wasn’t in a laughing mood.

But the boy had the same idea as me.

He was putting on an act because it was easier than facing what’s actually bothering you.

--

“Why do you always pick that wrinkly old douchebag?” I laugh as I point at the screen.

“The dudes like 60 and he’s still beating up guys half his age. He’s a hero.” Garry explained, serious pride coming out of his voice as he waited for me to pick a character.

We were currently playing Tekken, which by the way is probably one of the greatest games ever created. And I don’t mean the Tekken on the Xbox or PSP or any of that other crap, I'm talking about the old school Tekken you play on the PlayStation 2. That’s where the real games at.

Garry has chosen Heihachi, the old guy, as his character like he has since we started playing over an hour ago.

I decided to choose Jin. My reason?

For a fictional cartoon character, he was pretty hot.

“Why are you choosing him?” Garry questions in confusion.

“He has some really good combos.” I lie, holding back a smile as I think of the real reason.

Garry nods not even questioning my motive. My smile breaks through at this as the countdown begins, Jin as always topless. If I was a little controllable character on the screen, I would so totally take Jin to my dungeon and show him some of my combos.

I need to stop hanging around with guys. It’s brushing off on me.

We were both sat on the floor of my room leaning back on bean bags in front of the telly, controls in hand ready to battle.

As soon as the narrator guy with the really cool voice announces fight, both of us began to press the buttons on the controls like our lives depended on it. Well technically, our player’s lives really did depend on it.

I’ll fight for you Jin!

After a few pretty amazing kicks to the face I delivered to the old dude, the narrator guy announces K.O. telling me I won.

“In your face you nappy wearing troll!” I shout at the screen, referring to Garry’s character.

The thing is, as I act like the cocky douche every human being acts like when they win a game, I realise that I am again going along with an act because I know that Garry let me win. I love this game, but I hold my hands up and admit that compared to most people I suck at it. I barely knew what buttons I was pressing and my life bar was almost full because Garry just didn’t put up a fight.

I know that I should feel quite flattered and I know he was only doing it because he was trying to be nice, but this did annoy me a bit. I don’t care if I lose, you don’t have to take pity on me and let me win. We can both just play the game; the fun of it is just playing so I don’t understand why he had to let me win. I know I may be over reacting, but it just seemed like a lie.

A lie added onto a million other lies…

I hear him laugh next to me before dropping the control and clapping slightly. I snap out of my thoughts and concentrate on going along with this, grin plastered on my face.

“Well done Mia, you beat the crap out of an old guy.” He smiles.

“Does that make me a granny basher?” I ask curiously, and again he lets out a laugh.

“Oh Jesus, I really do love you.” The words escaped out of his mouth through his laughter so naturally.

For some reason, when I heard those words my reaction was anything but natural. I froze.

I found my throat drying up as I processed the words, my eyes widen for a brief second before I regained my composure as I suddenly realised I was going to have to actually reply to this somehow.

But how I was going to reply, I didn’t even know.

So I did the only thing I could. I opened my mouth and let the first words that fell out be the reply to his declaration of love.

“Thank you.”

Even as I said it, I realised this reply was the equivalent of having your balls crushed by a coffee grinder.

I saw his face drop for the briefest second as he took in my reply, before he composed himself and the carefree smile was back on his face. However, this time it didn’t reach his eyes.

But what more could I do?

I couldn’t lie to him. Not about that.

I didn’t love him. I did, but after we split it wasn’t the same quite yet. He had to understand that.

And judging by the fact he didn’t kick off or question me any further on the subject, I'm guessing he did. Which I was extremely grateful for.

We hung out for about half an hour after that, and in all fairness to him he was trying to just act normal. I could tell he really wanted to make this work, and he was giving me my time. It was adorable I had to give him that.

“Right I better get home and wash before school tomorrow.” Garry announces as we were both sat on the bed leaning against the headboard, his arm around my shoulder playing with the fingers on my hand. By his voice I could tell he didn’t want to go.

“Yeah, don’t think smelling like a fart would do any good to your reputation.” I inform him, and he breathes a laugh. I turn my head slightly to face him, giving him a genuine smile. I really did like him. I just wasn’t in the love boat yet.

I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his lips, before pulling back slightly.

“Do you realise we have spent the whole day together without having sex?” Garry suddenly realises, shock clear in his voice.

I press my lips together to hold back a laugh “Is that some type of record for us?”

He looks horrified for a second “I think it is. Oh Christ, we can’t have that.”

He sits up slightly before placing a hand on my hip and going to pull me on top of him. I let out a loud laugh before I slap his hand away. I could tell by the playful grin on his face he was just joking.

“You missed your chance for today Big G, live with the consequences.” I tell him, my voice mocking.

“The consequences being?” He asks curiously.

The corner of my mouth twitches but I try and keep a serious face “Discoloured genetalia?”

His eyes widen in Horror, before he cups a hand over that region, muttering a few words to them. It was something along the lines of ‘Don’t worry guys, you can survive the night’ and ‘Stay healthy for me soldiers’.

I laughed at the idiot.  He looked up at me with a smile, before leaning his face forward and kissing me goodbye.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, and for a second I genuinely thought he was going to say those 3 words again which would make the situation extremely awkward. Thankfully, he just got to his feet and started walking to the door, throwing a few last words over his shoulder “...that’s if my balls don’t fall off before the morning.”

I sit on my bed laughing to myself. After a while, my laughter turns into an exasperated sigh.

Why couldn’t I say it back?

---

A/N Thank you to omgttyittyn for the banner, looove it!

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