You're not mine, and even still you move me in such a way that I lose all control.
- perry poetry
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Chapter 52
Camila's POV
Dear Camz,
I don't know how to start this letter aside from saying how sorry I am for everything that I've done. As I write this letter to you it's raining hard outside. Funny because my eyes are mirroring the heavy rain. The tears won't stop from falling no matter how hard I try to hold it back. And my heart... it won't stop from breaking. I'm falling apart, and I don't know how to stop it from happening. You'll probably see the stain of my tears in this letter and I apologize for that.
What I've done tonight is unforgivable and I know that. I won't ask for your forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. But I just want you to hear me out, at least in this letter. You gave me two weeks of freedom, Camz. You didn't call, you didn't text, and it makes me go crazy and my head keeps fucking me up with the thought of you not wanting me anymore. I can't describe what I've felt every single day that you're not in my arms; I was terrified. I was extremely scared that one day I'll see you at my front door saying you don't want me anymore. To hear you say you give up on me because you're tired and you finally found someone who's far more better than me. I mean, I've been a burden to you. And I know sometimes you get very exhausted— being in a relationship with someone that you also have to parent. Every night, I lay wide awake. I can't stop thinking about us. We were happy, Camz. I remember every dreams we used to dreamed together, all the wishes we've made. When your hand is interwined with mine. When it's your smile I always see and not the tears in your eyes. I always think about us all the time. And every night while you were sleeping, I was drowning in tears. I wanted to wake you up and tell you: "Camz, I've lost the girl you fell In love with. I lost her.". But I can't say it. I'm scared. I'm so scared that you will leave me. To leave and never come back. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for weighing you down. I'm sorry that you always have to carry me. I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. I'm sorry for being a failure.
I was angry. Angry that you're gone and left me out in the cold all alone. I am angry but not to you; I'm angry with myself. Why I couldn't change. Why I keep hurting you. Why I couldn't forgive myself. I'm angry at the world for taking everything I love away from me, for always making me feel alone, for always reminding me this is what I deserved. I wanted to be mad at you and hate you for leaving me. I wanted to say ''You're selfish'' and ''If you can leave just like that and replace me with someone else like I'm nothing then I can easily do the same thing''. I wanted to yell at you and curse the hell out of you... but I couldn't do it. I could never hate you. I made myself believe that I did. That I don't want to see you and that I'm way more happier with someone else because hating you is the only way I know to survive cause deep in my heart I only know one single truth; I'm not strong, not when I'm with you. Not when your hand intertwined with mine.
Normani came to our house tonight. She's the one who helped me understand everything— to see the truth without being blinded by love; the painful truth of which, of all people, I'm the one who's destroying you, consuming every last bit of yourself. I cannot be selfish anymore, Camz. I can no longer watch you suffer. I can no longer see you miserable knowing you can't function properly without me. This is not how love should be. It shouldn't kill you, ruin you, or make you question everything. I don't want to see you cry and get hurt because of me again. Maybe without me, you'll finally be happy.
This is a goodbye letter to our love and a greeting for a new beginning of finding yourself. I want you to remember the you before us. You lose me only to find the best version of yourself you didn't know exist along the way— a better and strong you. I may be gone in your life but you're still surrounded by a lot of people who truly love you and care about you. Wise men says if we truly and deeply care for someone we really love then we should make sacrifices no matter how hard that is, no matter how painful the choices we're about to make. And Camz, seeing you be genuinely happy is not a hard choice for me. So forgive me if I have to walk away. I'm letting you go, not because I don't want you anymore or I'm tired fighting for us but because I love you. I love you so much that I want to see your dreams happening right in front of your eyes. I love you so much that no matter how bad it hurts, I'll wish you nothing but happiness even if it's not with me. I love you so much that I'm willing to set myself on fire just to see you shine.
I remember you told me you wanted to be a singer. Everyone chanting your name in a stadium full of people who truly adore and love you. And then you will sing the song you wrote for the person who holds you heart. Though my chest is clenching tight at the thought that I'll be there but you don't know because your heart no longer sings for me, I know I'll be watching you at the back of the crowd with a smile on my face knowing you did it. And I know this for sure, you'll be what you wanted to be. 5-10 years from now, who knows? Maybe we'll meet again. And I'll look into your eyes with so much proudness knowing once in my life, I've made the right choice for the girl I love the most. Promise me that you will never ever question yourself as to why we didn't work. Promise me that you will never ask yourself why you're not enough. Promise me you will never blame yourself as to why I have to go. Camila, you are enough. You are more than enough. All the blames are on me. It's all my fault, not yours. I was the asshole who hurt you. I was the asshole who already had everything but still threw it all away. I was the stupid cheater who chose temporary happiness over the lifetime happiness. If there's anyone to blame, it's me.
If I stay here with you, none of those dreams will happen. And I know that for sure. We're just going to ruin each other and I could not let that happen. I'll gladly take and carry all the pain as long as I know you're okay, you're happy. I know as you read this letter you won't understand my decision. I know you will hate me for this and I will gladly accept your hatred. I deserved it, after all. But I know one day, you will understand every reason behind as to why I have to go. You will survive, Camz. I know you will because you're the most strongest and fearless woman I've ever known. You will see why everything happened the way it did. It will be good. Promise me that you won't lock up yourself with my memories. Promise me that if love tries to knock on your heart again, you will open the door and try again. I'm not the right person for you, Camz. I'm nothing but a lesson. A lesson you can use to help yourself grow and be more wiser. Promise me that you will be happy and live your life to the fullest. Promise me that you won't get mad at Normani. She only cares about you. She's your best friend and she wants what's best for you. All of us do.
I love you so much, Camila. You're my life, my headache, my love, my smile, my frown, my wrong, my right, my pain, my happiness, and my everything. Without you, I'm nothing. And it scares the hell out of me how much I needed you so I can go on and live. There are so many girls I made love with and loved, but you, my princess, are the only one that makes me feel that life is worth living. You showed me light and happiness. You showed me what real love is and it doesn't matter how broken and fucked up of a person I am, you still loved me anyway. Unconditionally and truthfully. Without asking for anything in return, without thinking twice, you just loved me. You loved every single thing about me; all the beautiful and uglier parts, all the good and bad, all the things I've grown to hate, my demons, everything that makes me, me. And I don't believe there is anyone more perfect for me than you are.
I'm sorry for everything that I've done. It was never my intention to hurt you. Take care of yourself always, okay? I love you so much, Camz. And I want you to always remember this; You may not be the first girl I fell In love with but you're the last girl I will ever truly love. And if this lifetime is not ours then I'll be waiting for you in our next. Perhaps, then, we will get this whole thing right.
I won't ever forget you. And maybe that's the only forever the two of us meant to have.
Lauren.
__
"The day you got hospitalised, we never saw Lauren. She suddenly disappeared in the thin air. Camila, she threw you away."
I dropped on my knees the moment I finished reading the letter. My tears kept falling down no matter how many times I wipe them off. Over the last five years, I thought I'm the one who sacrificed a lot. I thought, between the two of us, I was the one who's beyond broken. But no, it was Lauren. She carried everything in her shoulder and bare it so I don't have to. So I could find the better version of myself. She died everyday just to let me breathe. She puts me first before herself. She let me hate her just so I could feel better. While me, after everything she did, I hurt her. I broke her. What I did that day, when I chose to listen to my anger than to forgive her, it all came back. How I crashed the last hope she have haunts me. I destroyed what's left in her, but still, here she is, still loving me like I am her life. And that— that only made me hate myself more than I should. And I don't think I can ever forgive myself for it.
I slip the letter inside my pocket and head downstairs where I was greeted by Alfred.
"Is everything alright, Miss Cabello?"
I didn't try to hide my puffy eyes to Alfred. All I care right now is Lauren.
"Where's Lauren?"
"She left for a moment."
I felt his hand on my arm. Alfred lead me to the couch as we both take a seat.
"What happened?"
I hand over the letter to Alfred, "I found this on the floor of my room."
There's a sudden change on Alfred's face as silence fell upon us. I look at him and he can't keep a straight eye to eye contact with me.
"I hope you're marrying the right person, Miss Cabello. Someone who doesn't keep a secret from you."
"I really hope he is cause you deserved someone who is entirely completely honest with you."
"Did you know?" I asked him, "When you told me I deserved someone who's entirely honest with me, is this what you meant?"
Alfred finally met my gaze, his eyes filled with guilt. "I'm sorry, Camila. I—"
I quickly distanced myself away from him. Hurt immediately flashed on my eyes.
"Even you, Alfred?!"
"Camila—"
I laugh angrily, "And I bet they know it, don't they?"
Alfred look down and didn't say a thing.
"Normani, Dinah, and Ally... they know about this too, right?!"
"Yes." Alfred mumbled, unable to look straight in my eyes.
I look at him in the eyes, feeling incredibly betrayed. He knew about letter but he didn't have the heart to tell me about this. It hurts to know that Shawn, out of all people, lied to me. But I never thought pain could be much worst when everyone you treated a family lied to you as well. At some point, I know people will betray me. But Alfred, Ally, Dinah, and Normani? Those are the persons I least expecting to hurt me by lying to me. But I guess the joke is on me.
I walked out of the house and head over to my car so Clark won't hear and see me in a heated argument with Shawn. The moment I slide down to my car, I pulled my phone and call him.
It took a few rings before he answers.
"Thank god you called! I miss you so very much, baby! Tonight's show is done and I'm so exhausted. The fans kept asking me about you and the songs I wrote for you. And honestly, it made me miss you more than I should. I really wanna go home to you now and cuddle with you and kiss you endlessly. But fuck it! I'm stuck on this place, alone and without you. Fuck this tour for making me miss you it actually drives me crazy. Well, enough about me. How was your day, baby?"
Hearing his voice doesn't sound the same anymore. Listening to him talking always bring a smile to my face and now it brings tears to my eyes. I used to look at him as a loving man. A faithful and always true to his lover. Now all I could see whenever I think of him is a manipulative liar.
"Camila, are you there?"
"You lied to me."
"What?" He chuckled, "When did I lie to you, baby?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"Camila, what is going on?"
"I know you knew about the letter."
"What letter? I don't know what you're talking about."
I bit my lower lip to prevent the sob from coming out. I felt so much anger inside of me that I don't know how to deal with them so I ended up crying it all instead.
"Are you still going to lie to me, Shawn?!" My voice crack and I broke down into tears.
A long pause.
"I knew about the letter, Shawn! Normani, Ally, and Dinah too so don't ever say that you don't know what I'm talking about!"
"Camila, Lauren just made that up! She wants to break us apart because she can't accept that you're choosing me over her. And by paying attention to this, you're giving her exactly what she wants! Camila, baby, you have to believe me."
"Believe you?!" I scoff angrily, "You lied to me, Shawn! You've been fooling me for five years and until now, right at this very moment, you're still doing it! How can you sleep at night?! How can you look me in the eyes and say you're being entirely honest with me when you're not?!"
"Are we seriously going to argue about this? Over that stupid made up letter? You're making this such a big deal, seriously."
"BECAUSE IT IS!" I yelled angrily at him. I am so fed up with his bullshit.
I heard him took a sharp breath, "Can that fucking letter fix you?! Can that fucking letter make you feel better?! Can that stupid fucking letter bring back Lauren to you?! No! So I did what's best for you, Camila!"
"See?! So you really knew about this!"
"Yes, I do! So what?! You should thank me for doing what's best for you! You owe me that!"
"Best for me or best for you?!"
"For you, Camila! Everything that I did is because I love you!"
"Love?! It's not love, Shawn! It's selfishness! You could've told me about this, but you didn't! Yes, this stupid letter won't make me feel better neither can bring Lauren back to me. But how can you understand me when you're not in my shoes in the first place?! I blamed myself for years, Shawn! I questioned everything about me! Why was I not enough? I was going crazy thinking what went wrong! And you know what's worst? You were there! You had a choice, Shawn. You had. But you chose to comfort me with your lies than to tell me the truth. All of you lied to me! All of you made me believed that she left "just like that"! All of you made me hate the person who truly love me!"
"Truly love you?! Camila, she cheated on you! Lauren fucking cheated on you! She slept with another woman while you're still in a relationship! She treated you like a fucking trash! Like a fucking toy! But me... I was the one who picked you up. I was the one who always stick by your side! I am! So if there's anyone who truly love you then that's me! Come on, Camila! I deserve much more credit than this!"
"Yes, she cheated on me. But you lied to me, Shawn. So what makes you different from her?"
"Is this really about the letter or your just using this as an excuse to break up with me and pick up what you and that stupid bitch left off?"
"Don't call her that." I said through a gritted teeth.
Shawn laugh angrily, "Why am I even surprise that you're still defending her?! You still love her. You're just using this letter as your get away ticket from me! I'm not stupid, Camila!"
"This is not about Lauren and I, okay?! Stop twisting the story because this is about you, Shawn! You lied to me for five years! Five fucking years! You saw how broken and miserable I was and you did nothing—"
"NO, CAMILA! NO! Don't tell me that I didn't do anything because god knows I did everything to make you feel better! I was there when she wasn't, may I remind you! I was the one who always by your side comforting you!"
"Well, maybe I don't need your comfort! Maybe all I need is some answers in which you took away from me because you were selfish!"
The other line went silent.
"I'm flying back to LA tonight. Please Camila, let's talk about this. We shouldn't let this letter destroy what we have."
"It's not the letter, Shawn. It's you. You're the one who destroyed us. I don't want to see your face or talk to you ever again." I ended the call without waiting for his response.
I rest my head against the steering wheel. All I could think about is Lauren. I can't stop thinking about her and my heart just simply won't stop from breaking. And I've come to realized.. maybe this is the way of the universe to tell me that I should stop fighting, give up and be all in. To stop running away from all the doubts and just make a jump.
I'm tired of running away. I'm tired of hiding from what I truly feel. I'm done being scared. I know what I want now. And it's all crystal clear in my head; I'm still In love with her.
***
Lauren's POV
"I really enjoyed hanging out with you, Lauren." Celine leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine.
I smiled at the feeling of her soft lips. I wrapped my arms around her waist to pull her even more closer to me.
"Thank you for dropping me home. I really enjoyed our date."
"You mean our 10 minutes date."
I chuckled and pulled away. I pinch her chin softly, "I'll make it up to you next time, I promise."
"I will look forward to it." She wink flirtatiously before she peck my lips and hop back to her car.
"Drive safe, baby." I wave my hand to her as Celine drove off until her car vanishes from my eyesight.
I took a contented sigh. I slip my hands inside the pocket of my jeans and walk inside the house. I was surprised to see Ally and Dinah inside. They had this dead serious look on their faces while having a conversation.
"Hi guys, anything I missed?" I asked to make my presence known.
They quickly turn their eyes to my direction. And they all had the same expression on their faces— worriedness.
"Who's gonna tell her?" I heard Dinah whispered to them.
"Tell me what?"
Ally gave her a small nod before she walk towards my direction.
"Is everything okay?" I asked Ally as soon as she stand right in front of me.
"Laur, Camila already knew about the letter."
I feel like someone suddenly splash an ice cold water straight to my face and my whole body.
"W-where is she, Ally?
Ally fell silent. I turn to look at Dinah and Alfred and they didn't say anything as well.
"Where is Camila?!" I started to freak out when I felt Ally's hand on my arm.
"Camila left. She took Clark with her."
"She also left her phone and her car too." Alfred added, "Right now all we have to do is wait for them to come back home."
I sat down on the couch cause I could feel my knees starting to lose its strength. My whole body is slowly going numb. I can't explain the worriedness that I'm feeling. It's like I'm going insane.
"I told you not to tell her anything."
"Camila deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know the real reason why you left."
I lift up my head and look at Dinah. "How did this happened?"
"Normani had your letter. Shawn told her to burn it but she didn't. And... we've been helping her."
"Normani?" Never in a million years I would expect to hear Normani's name.
Dinah's about to say something when her phone suddenly rings.
"It's Normani calling. Maybe she finds out something about Camila's whereabouts."
I nod my head, motioning Dinah to answer the call.
"Laur, don't think too much, okay? Camila will be alright."
The moment my tears fell down, Ally pulled me in for a hug and tries to comfort me with everything she can.
"Normani's at the hospital."
I pulled away from the hug as soon as I heard what Dinah said.
"She's heavily beaten." Tears quickly streamed down to her face as Dinah fell down on the floor.
Ally and I immediately rush by her side to comfort her.
"Normani's a fighter and we all know that. She will be okay, Dinah. Everything will be okay."
I pulled Dinah for a hug and try to comfort her but she's nowhere close to that. She broke down in tears and there's no words that could comfort Dinah right now.
We quickly headed to the hospital where Normani was being taken. The nurse told us to wait at the lobby while they assess Normani's condition. We don't know any news about her yet— how severe the injuries she sustained. All we know is that she's heavily beaten. And I just pray to god that Shawn has nothing to do with this.
After 4 hours of waiting, I saw a nurse coming from the ER. She's walking towards us.
"Any family relative of patient Normani Kordei?"
Dinah immediately get back on her feet, "I'm her girlfriend. Is she okay?"
"Yes. The patient is already stable but we still need to run further more test just to make sure there's no internal bleeding."
Dinah looked at us a with weak smile. Relief wash over to her face with tears starting to form in her eyes.
I smiled timidly, "I told you, Normani's a fighter."
Dinah nod her head before looking back to the nurse, "Can we see her?"
"Yes, this way."
The nurse escorted us inside Normani's room. I actually don't know what to say. When she came to my room and apologize, I thought she didn't mean it. But now that I knew she's the one who helped my letter reach Camila... I honestly don't know what to feel.
The nurse open the door and Normani came into view. She's sitting up straight in her bed. 4 stitches on the upper part of her left eyebrow. Her right eye was swollen. Bruises can be seen on both of her cheeks. Normani was really beaten heavily.
"Oh my god!" Dinah rush towards Normani and pulled her in for a bone crashing hug. She buried her face on the crook of Normani's neck and cry.
"I'm okay, Dinah. I'm okay." Normani mumbled while caressing her back.
Ally joined in and hug Normani while I remain standing by the door frame, unsure of what I should do or what to say.
"Who did this to you, Mani?" Ally asked.
"Shawn."
I was expecting someone else's name. But Shawn? Did he really have to go this far? What he's doing... it isn't for love anymore.
"Where is he?" I asked cause I'm gonna make sure this day won't end without him getting hurt.
Dinah turn her eyes to me, "Are you going to kill that asshole? Because if you do then I'm coming with you."
"Guys, calm down first okay? Nothing will be resolve in violence. I get it, Mani got hurt. But let's have our payback in a right way. In a legal way."
Dinah's about to argue back to Ally but Normani hold her hand that made her stop from doing so.
"We already had our payback. We won over him." Normani flash a million dollar smile, "We won."
"But he hurt you!"
She shook her head. "I deserved this."
"No, you don't." I immediately butt in, "We make mistakes. We make horrible choices. Sometimes we became selfish. But that's because we're human and we're not perfect. But just because we're sinners doesn't mean we don't deserve something better. Because fuck it, we do! So no, Normani, you don't deserve this. Not at all."
"Lauren's right, Mani." Both Ally and Dinah supported my argument with Normani but she's really persistent that this is what she deserves.
"Dinah, promise me you won't do anything to Shawn."
The Polynesian girl clenched her jaw. There's a long pause and hesitation before she nod her head. And I know it's against her will. I know Dinah. She will cross all boundaries, cross all hell just to protect Normani.
"Thank you, baby. And can I ask one last favor?"
"Anything. Just tell me."
"Can you guys give me a moment with Lauren? I just want to talk to her."
Their eyes landed on me, asking for my permission. I nod my head lowly as my answer. Ally and Dinah pulled Normani for a hug before they walk out of the room.
As soon as the door clicks, I decided to go ahead and start the conversation first.
"Can I start first?"
"Go ahead."
"Why did you do this?"
"We want you and Camila to get back together. We're all in this— Ally, Dinah, Alfred, Lucy, and Clark. We all want the same thing."
I raised eyebrows, completely surprised at the last two names she just mentioned.
"Lucy? Clark? H-how?"
"Lucy really liked you, Lauren. But then she knew she can't win so she moved on and look for someone else. She found someone, her name's Alexa who happened to be my friend. I told her that I will help her get her way to Alexa if she will help me."
"Help you...?"
"To gave Camila enough strength and courage to make a jump."
"And Clark?"
"I told him to ask Camila to play hide and seek with him. I instructed him to hide in the closet and drop the letter on the floor unnoticed."
"Wow." I breathed. Now everything makes sense.
"I heard Shawn was asking you to burn the letter. Why didn't you do it? Why are you pushing Camila back to me when you know I'm not good for her?"
"I want to correct my mistakes. I'm trying to fix things, Lauren. Camila's my best friend and knowing about your letter and what Shawn did... it doesn't feel right. My conscience can't take it anymore. And I guess what pushed me to do this is when I saw how unhappy Camila's becoming with Shawn. If she ended up marrying him, I know she will just torture herself. You're the only one who can make her truly happy, Lauren. I saw that in her eyes when you came back to her life. I saw the way she looked at you when you're not looking. And you... you are my best friend too, Lauren. I remember everything that we used to be before Keana happened. We were close. We're like sisters. I want that back, Lauren. And I know I can't just barged in your life like I didn't ruin you in the first place. I should never blamed you for her death. It's no one's fault. I should never pushed you away from Camila. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Tears fall down from her eyes, "I hope you forgive me. I don't like the person I turned out to be. I hurt you, I hurt Camila, I'm a horrible person!"
I didn't know that I'm already crying until I taste my own tears.
"You did what you have to do because you care about us. If you didn't come to our apartment that night, I wouldn't be the Lauren I am today. You opened my eyes, Normani. You made me see life in a different perspective, that the world doesn't revolve around me. You've done things, I know. But that's because you were in pain. A pain that I cost. Yes, Keana's death is no one's fault but I am the very reason why she got addicted to it in the first place. You have every right to get mad at me, Normani. I understand. And... thank you. Thank you because you fought for me and my letter. After everything that happened..." I searched Normani's eyes and we were both a crying mess, "I just want my best friend back." My voice crack as we shed more and more tears.
"Come here."
Normani open her arms and I hurriedly run and launch my whole body to her. Normani groaned in pain before wrapping her arms around me. And I swear nothing feels better than this. To finally be okay with your best friend after a very long time of fighting.
We stayed in each other's arms for too long. I was the first to pull away and both of us are smiling while we looked so fucked up from crying.
"You look ugly." I told her honestly and Normani laugh.
"You're more uglier."
I smiled, "I really missed you, Normani. But I can't promise you that I won't hunt Shawn with your loser girlfriend to beat him up."
"There's no need for that, really. This is the consequences I had to pay. But all these bruises, I didn't regret it. Because I know I was fighting for my two best friends so they could finally be together. It was all worth it. So instead of hunting down Shawn, just go ahead and get Camila. Go get your girl. Nothing can stop you now from being together."
***
It's been three days since Camila left. I never stopped looking for her. Day and night, till the sun set and rise, I was here patiently waiting for her to come back. I don't have much sleep or any appetite. The thoughts are killing me. I just want her here. I want her back.
"You should take some rest, Laur." Normani approached me, her hand against my shoulder.
"Once Camila's done from cooling down I know she will come back home." Dinah added, "She left her phone and her car which means she don't wanna be found."
I massage the temple of my head. The door squeak open and heavy footsteps echoed.
"Ladies, I have a good news! I just got off from a phone call. Clark's in Miami. He's staying with the Cabello's. So, if Clark's in Miami there's a possibility that Camila's there too."
I immediately got back on my feet, "We should go there. Like right now."
"I already asked to prepare the plane for us. So go pack your things cause we'll leave in 10."
10 minutes feels like eternity for me. Soon, all of us got boarded in Camila's private plane and fly across the borders and landed to Miami. And now here I am standing by the 3 step porch of their house.
I'm nervous. What if they blame me for ruining Shawn and Camila's relationship? They accepted my apology but that doesn't mean they like me. I mean, maybe now they like me but it's because I am no longer associated with Camila. Because she's engaged and about to marry Shawn. Plus her parents always talked about how Shawn was their favorite. They're even calling him son-in-law.
I took a deep breath before I step closer to the door. I lift my hand to knock when the door suddenly burst wide open and I was greeted with a brown eyed boy.
"LAWREN!!!" He squealed before launching himself to me. He hug me so tight that I could no longer breathe, "I miss you so much! What are you doing here, Lawren? Are you taking me home? Is mommy with you? Grandma told me mommy's on a field trip. She didn't call me for days now and I miss her already."
Clark bombarded me with lots of questions that I didn't know which one should I respond first.
"Clark, sweetie pie, who are you talking to?" Sinu's voice echoed coming from the kitchen. Soon, she appeared on the door step giving us a warm smile.
"Oh! I didn't know you guys will come here. Come inside."
She step aside as we all came inside and settle ourselves on the couch.
"Anything y'all would like to drink? Coffee, tea...?"
"We're good." Dinah answered on our behalf.
"Clark, sweetie, would you go to my room and fetch my purse please?"
"Okay, grandma." He hop out from my lap, "I'll be right back, Lawren. I love you."
"I love you too, kiddo."
We all watch Clark go upstairs. As soon as he's gone, Normani speak out.
"I'm sorry that we came to your house unannounced, Mrs. Cabello. We just really want to know where Camila is. We're so worried about her."
"All I know is she's here in Miami. Other than that, I don't know." Sinu turn her gaze to me, "I know about your letter, Lauren."
I gulped. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"
"No, no, no. You didn't do anything. Shawn ruined what they had by lying to my daughter. I'm not gonna lie and I'll be honest with you. I don't like you for Camila. I've always been clear on that matter since the very beginning and you know that. And honestly, when I saw you again the other day with my daughter, this scared feelings that I might see her go all through that pain again because you came back, came crashing back to me. I'm her mother and it hurts to see Camila cry a river because of you."
"I know." I look down and mumbled, feeling ashamed for everything.
"I thought you're still the same Lauren. But then you came up to us and apologize. You own everything up. And then Camila let me read your letter, and in that very moment you instantly changed how I look at you as a person. You amazed me, Lauren. I admire how brave you are. And I was really convinced that it's not just about lust or trying to make you feel whole... you truly loved my daughter. And if one of these days Camila decided to break things off between her and Shawn to be with you... then we'll support it."
My friends gasp while I'm looking at Sinu completely speechless.
"You have our blessing, Lauren. Just please, never hurt my daughter again. Always make her happy. Her and Clark."
I could feel the tears in my eyes, "I will protect them with my whole life."
Sinu nodded with a warm smile, "You and Camila had a very special connection. I know you knew where you could find her. Please, bring my daughter back home."
***
I borrowed Sinu's car and drive along to the street of Miami with a prayer that I'll bump to Camila. I really miss her. There's no words to describe how much my arms are craving to hold her. But instead of Camila, it was our old house I bumped into. I saw Chris and Taylor with mom and dad. They were grilling some meat at their front yard. They were laughing. Happy. And something suddenly struck my chest. It's a different kind of pain that I've never felt before. It takes everything in me not to shed a single tear. This was my family. I was once belong there. I had a parents and two siblings. And now... I have nothing. I'm alone and forgotten by the people I known my whole life as my family.
I press the gas pedal and started to drive. I should get used to this by now. Since the beginning of dawn, I was really alone. I have no one but myself. For a very long time that was the kind of life that I have, so really, I should get used to this by now.
I've spent hours and hours of driving. I go to all the places I knew in Miami where Camila could possibly be. But still, I can't find her. I pulled the car to the side of the road. I stare ahead of me. I'm starting to feel lost. I could feel the sadness slowly swallowing me alive. I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's heavy and it's wearing me down.
And all I could think about right now are the things I don't ever want to think of. The thoughts that I'm scared off beginning to creep in my head. I think about my real parents. Why they abandoned me. Why I have to suffer like this. I think about what does it really mean when they say "Everything happens for a reason". Because I honestly can't see any good reason as to why this is happening to me. I really can't.
The moment I felt my tears slowly streaming down on my cheeks, I quickly wipe them off. I said this to myself a countless times already. I will never cry for myself again. I will never feel bad about myself. And so, I turn the car around and drive to that special place only Camila and I knew.
I left the car safely at the side of the road before I started walking to the forest until I reach the very end. The sound of the ocean waves begins to calm me. And as I'm about to think that this is the only thing that could calm me down, I saw a woman sitting on the huge rock right in the middle. I'm facing her back and she's facing the ocean.
Tears quickly swell up in my eyes as I walk towards her, so quiet just so I won't scare her off. I could feel my chest being squeez so hard when I heard what she's listening to.
"Hold up! I have something to show you."
"What? Make sure it's worth my time, Jauregui."
"I wrote you something."
"Is that a song?"
"No, I don't sing. My voice sounds awful and you know that."
"I don't know if you're being sarcastic or you're being humble. We both know you have an angelic voice."
"Stop describing yourself, Cabello."
"Don't make me argued with you on this one, Jauregui."
"Fine, fine. Anyway, I wrote you a poem. It wasn't as beautiful as Shakespeare's poem, okay? Nor something romantic like Edgar Allan Poe. It's just a poem written by Lauren Jauregui. The girl who doesn't know how to write one but still tried her best for the love of her life because she knew it'll make her happy. Just to... you know? Set some standards and for you to not expect something great.
So there's this girl,
not just any girl,
The only girl for me,
She tears when I cry,
She stands by my side,
So yeah there's this girl,
she's the only girl,
she makes me smile day by day,
She makes me joyful, when I'm put to shame,
I see the glitter in her eye,
I want to kiss her until I cry,
She makes my emotions set me deep,
my hands would drag over my feet,
When I am without her,
the sun doesn't shine as brightly.
When I am without her,
the clouds are dark and foreboding.
When I am without her,
the birds don't sing as sweetly.
When I am without her,
the walls close in on me.
When I am without her,
in the depths of my hell, whispering her name sustains me.
But when I am with her,
she lifts me up.
When I am with her,
I have the strength to move mountains.
When I am with her,
I can withstand anything.
When I am with her,
her smile warms my very soul.
When I am with her,
the angels sing her name.
When I am with her,
I fall in love all over again.
So yeah there's this girl,
And her name is Camila,
And she will always be, the only girl.
I promise to love you for every moment of forever, and when everything else crumbles, I will never."
Camila get back on her feet and turn around. Our eyes met. Both of our eyes are filled with tears. With sadness and regret. And the moment it fell down on my cheeks, I run to her and pulled her in a for a hug.
I felt her body completely leaning against me. She buried her face on my neck and broke down into tears. She was crying so hard that her body started to tremble.
"I finally found you." I hold her tight like this will be the last time I'll be able to touch her, "I've been looking for you everywhere, did you know that? I almost lost my mind when I couldn't find you."
"I'm sorry." Camila mumbled against my neck.
"Don't run away from me again, okay?"
She nodded before pulling away from the hug.
"Why didn't you tell me about it? Why did you let me hate you instead?"
"Because I deserved it. Because I'd rather see you hate me than to see you miss out all the opportunities this world has to offer just because of me."
"Lauren—"
"But I don't regret the decision of leaving you. Because I am right. Look at you now, you're living the life you've always dreamed to have. Everyone knew who you are. You sold out stadiums wherever you go. You became a strong woman and a great mom to Clark. And look at me, I'm still the same old Lauren. It's... such a shame, really. Every time I'll stand close to you I feel ashamed because... you're this beautiful shining star while I'm just... nothing. If I didn't do what I did and chose to stay by your side, you will just end up like me. A life with no future."
Camila shook her head, blinking the tears away. I could see the hatred in her eyes. Not for someone else but to herself.
I cupped her face and use my thumb to wipe her tears away, "Camz, you shouldn't hate yourself."
"They made me hate you, Lauren. They made me believe that you just left. And every time I look at you, I always remember how I hurt you. How horrible I am to you. Every time I look into your eyes, I always remember that night. The night I completely broke the girl I love the most by saying yes to him. Having you this close always reminded me that I was the person who took the very last bit of yourself and left you drained and nothing. And that only made me hate myself even more because Lauren I am that person."
"Camz, listen to me. Everything that you've done doesn't make me love you any less."
Camila pulled something from her pocket. I look down and she's holding a picture of us and the ring I bought for her.
"Didn't I...?" I was lost for words. I look up to meet her eyes and she's smiling, tears still falling down from her beautiful brown eyes.
"I swam for hours just to get this back."
I breathed out, "You're out of your mind."
"I'll do everything to have you back, Lauren. If you tell me to swim that ocean or get down on my knees and beg for it, I will do it in a heartbeat. I am still In love with you. I am still desperately, pathetically, uncontrollably, crazily In love with you. And I know you are the last thought, breath, and wish I will ever have, take, or make because you are the daydream I am supposed to have for the rest of my life. Just tell me that you still love me, that you still want me, and you still need me, and I will gladly give up everything to be with you. Just say it and I'm all yours."
"I never stop loving you, I never stop wanting you, and I never stop needing you. You're all that I want, Camila. For the rest of my life, it's only you. It's always been you."
Camila flashed a million dollar smile. She slowly close the gap between us. Her eyes never left on me. And my heart... it's pounding violently against my chest.
"I love you, Lauren. You are my life." Camila whispered in my lips before closing the gap between us.
The familiar warmth invades my body. Butterflies begins to swamp on my stomach. Her kiss wasn't driven by lust or desire, it was just a simple loving kiss.
True love doesn't mean being inseparable. It means being separated and nothing changes. And after walking an endless road for a very long time, finally, I found my way back home.