HAZEL
I had so much pride in me to let him see me at my weakest. I remembered my Dad telling me that people don't make you a victim. You volunteer. I would never allow myself to be a victim here. I would never allow anyone to see how powerless I felt in the inside over this situation.
I stiffened when I saw Migs walking towards my table. He stopped and pulled out the chair right across from mine. He looked weary and I could see, at close range, that he had his share of sleepless nights. I, myself, hadn't slept well since he'd confessed that he had another woman pregnant.
Napagdesisyunan namin na magkita ngayon. We needed to talk this out like the mature adults we were. We had already made plans and we couldn't just suddenly ignore it because of some inconveniences that had happened in our lives.
I could tell that things weren't the same anymore and I never expected to be. We both struggled to speak a word. We both didn't know what to say or how to say things. It was like being strangers all over again.
I clasped my hands together and inhaled a deep breath. Every muscle in my body were tensed and strained. The raw heaviness in my chest pressed on me but I could not let him see how I was struggling in the inside. I could not let anyone through my defenses.
"Migs." I called his attention as his eyes were fixed on the table instead of me. He lifted his gaze up, his eyes void of life. I swallowed, putting moisture to my throat. "Hindi natin maaayos ito kung uupo lang tayo dito at magtititigan."
"I fucked up for the second time, Hazel. I had sex with Saskia again." He said in a stern voice.
I closed my eyes and inhaled, letting air fill in my lungs. I felt like my insides were breaking into pieces. It was so painful. I wished there was some way I could stop feeling. Even just for a second.
"How was she, Miguel? Was she good? Was she better than me? Did you enjoy her? Ano ang pagkakaiba namin?" My voice cracked a little as I look at him straight in the eye.
"I'm going to ask you the same thing. The guy you slept with, was he good?" His jaw clenched.
"Oh he was, Migs. He was really good. He ate me out real good-"
Migs' hands balled into fists and he slammed them to the table. The noise it made startled me. Gulat na napatingin ako sa kanya. "Stop what you're doing, Hazel. Stop it."
"You started it." I folded my arms over to my chest, keeping a stoic face.
Migs frustratedly raked his fingers through his blonde hair. "What is happening to us?"
"You tell me." I looked at him with disdain. "Why did you cheat on me, Migs? Why did you get another woman pregnant? Wasn't I enough for you? Ano bang ginagawa niya sa kama na hindi ko kayang gawin? Bakit kailangan mong maghanap ng iba?"
He bowed his head, guiltily. There was nothing but silence. He couldn't even give a goddamn answer. I swallowed back my tears, feeling my chest tightening. It was as if my heart was being squeezed tightly and I couldn't quite breathe. The hurt in my chest was physically painful. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him. Gusto kong maramdaman niya kahit konti man lang ang nararamdaman kong sakit ngayon.
He didn't just broke my heart. He broke every dream we had together. He broke our future plans. He broke me. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough...
"Let's call the wedding off." I made the decision right then.
"Hazel..." His head snapped up and all of a sudden, his eyes began to water. "Hazel, don't do this to me. Please, anything but this."
"Nagkakasakitan na lang tayo." I took in a deep breath, trying to keep the tears at bay. "Let's end this now. Habang may natitira pa tayong respeto para sa isa't-isa."
"No, Hazel... Don't do this to me." He got up and dropped to his knees in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face into my tummy. "Kung gusto mo akong saktan, saktan mo ako. Gawin mo na ang lahat, huwag mo lang akong iwan. Huwag mo
kong iwan..."
"Migs..." I tried to pry his arms away from me.
"Don't you love me anymore?" He sobbed. This was the weakest I'd ever seen him. He'd always been sure of everything he did, he'd always been in control. Never in my wildest dream had I ever imagined him down on his knees, begging and crying.
I fought the urge to brush my fingers into those golden strands and hug him.
"You're embarassing yourself, Miguel." I tried to keep my voice from quivering.
"I don't care! I don't care anymore! Huwag mo lang akong iwan, Hazel. I love you and I can't imagine a life without you. Hindi mo na ba ako mahal? Wala ka na ba talagang nararamdaman para sa akin?"
"Minahal kita, Migs. And I still love you but I will always love myself more. I do not deserve this." I didn't stop my sob from rising from my throat. I looked away as tears began to pour from my eyes. I pushed him off me and stood up, quietly walking out of the restaurant
I got into my car and let out a scream as more tears began to pour from my eyes. In a fit of anger, I punched the steering wheel until my fists hurt. This armor I put over myself is only helpful in a way that it makes me look tough. That's just what it does, make me look tough. People say that you're as strong as you believe to be. I once believed that my arms could hold on to his love despite what he had done. But my bones ended up shattering. That was when I knew that strength wasn't I wanted.
MIGS
"When you're two people at the same time, one is bound to trip the other." Dad said as he handed me a glass of scotch.
I took it from Dad and gulped it, letting the sharp liquid down my throat. My mind was a mess right now. Hazel just called the wedding off and I didn't know what to do. My head was throbbing and my heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly. Home was the only place I could run to at moments like this.
I just wanted to go to my old bedroom when Dad saw me and invited me to his study. He offered me a drink and asked how I was. That was when I broke down and told him that there wouldn't be any more wedding.
"Dad, it was a mistake. I never meant to hurt Hazel or Saskia..." I raked my fingers through my hair as my throat constricted.
"Sometimes we do things we aren't supposed to." Dad told me as he raised his glass to his mouth and took a small sip. "I know you never meant to intentionally hurt any one of those women. Cassie had raised a wonderful man out of you. But I want to know why you did it. Mahal mo si Hazel, hindi ba?"
I quietly nodded my head.
"And what about Saskia? Why did you sleep with her if you love Hazel?"
I swallowed and tightly shut my eyes. "It just... it just happened. I know it's not an excusable fact but it's truth, Dad. I felt like there's so much in me that is missing. Something keeps on taking me and I'm afraid I'll wake up and I wouldn't know where it has all gone. I spent most of my life fulfilling people's expectations of me. I was consumed with how people viewed me to be honest with myself. The moment I saw Saskia, I instantly felt physical attraction towards her. I felt strong desire I'd never felt before and it stole all logic from me. That night, I wanted to be honest with myself, something I'd never done in a long time. No matter how ordered my life with Hazel was, I just feel empty in the inside. There's something lacking. Mahal ko si Hazel pero pakiramdam ko may kulang. She's not as affectionate as Mama. She's a very independent woman. She's her own person. Everything I love about her was the same thing I cheated on her for. I feel like she's holding me to a standard I couldn't dare fail to meet. I was so afraid of fucking things up that it was exactly what I did in the end. Saskia was the complete opposite of Hazel and that was what drew me to her. It was more than lust, Dad. I want to fill the voids in me, I want to feel complete and Saskia gave me the feelings I was seeking. I didn't even know what that feelings were until I saw her. She accepted me for everything I am, not the things I wanted her to believe. My inconsistencies, my fears, my failures, and all the things I was afraid of showing to anyone. It's awful, Dad, being on this side of infidelity. It's not in my DNA to pull this off and I don't want to. I don't want to use Saskia to fill my voids and I never meant to cheat on Hazel."
"I know it's tough, Miggy." He messed with my hair as if I was a little boy again. "At the end of the day, we're all selfish beings that crave attention and affection and most of the time, we have hard time working and communicating with our partners to get to a healthier place. I know cause your Mom and I have been there. There are a lot of couples out there who chose to work through cheating and stay together. Hazel is a wonderful woman and so is Saskia. Just please, don't hurt any of them. It's okay to take responsibility of your child with Saskia, nandyan na yan eh. But if you ever get back with Hazel, quit any relationship you have with Saskia. Be it emotional or physical. Huwag na huwag mo silang lolokohin. That's not how your mother raised you. Ayaw kong mangialam sa mga personal na desisyon mo. You're old and smart enough to know what to do."
"Thanks, Dad." I let out a deep and tired huff.
SASKIA
"Papunta na daw ang Daddy mo, baby." Kinikilig na sabi ko habang nakaabang na sa bintana. Tumawag siya kanina sa akin at sinabing pupunta na siya para sa check up ni baby.
Hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin maalis sa isip ko ang mainit na gabing pinagsaluhan namin. Naramdaman kong nag-init ang magkabilang pisngi ko ng maalala ko ulit iyon. Kung paano niya ako hinalikan, hinawakan, kung paano niya pinaramdaman sa akin ang pagiging babae ko.
"Hoy! Ikaw wag kang lalandi-landi. Tandaan mo yung pinag-usapan natin. Wag pasok sa isang tainga, labas sa kabila. Ikaw din masasaktan sa huli niyan." Sabi ni Ninang sa akin.
"Syempre, Ninang, hindi ko naman maiiwasan na may maramdaman para sa kanya. Siya pa rin ang ama nitong dinadala ko tsaka masisisi mo ba ako? Eh noong isang linggo may nangyari sa amin. He make me feels wonton."
"Ano daw?" Tumaas ang kilay ni Ninang. "Ano na naman yan pinagsasabi mo, Saskia? Wonton? Ano'ng tingin mo sa sarili mo dumping?"
"Ito naman si, Ninang. Yung wonton, ibig sabihin nun wild. Hindi naman ako bobo, nagbabasa na ako ng dictionary no!" Pagmamayabang ko pa.
"Wanton yun, Ate." Singit naman ni Yuka.
"Huwag ka nang tsismosa. Pangmatanda lang itong usapan namin. Ipaghanda mo na lang ang Kuya Miggy mo ng meryenda papunta na yun!" Utos ko sa kanya at iritang hiniwalay ni Yuka ang mata sa teleponong hawak at nagmartsa papunta sa kusina. Ibinalik ko ang atensyon ko kay Ninang. "Tao lang ako, Ninang. Sa buong buhay ko siya lang yung lalaking nagpakita ng malasakit para sa akin at sa pamilya ko. Lahat ng naging boyfriend ni Mammy, puro mga gago. Kasama na ang Tatay kong walang pakialam sa akin, ni hindi man lang ako sinustentuhan. Hindi ko maiwasan mainlove sa kanya kasi ang bait niya sa amin."
"Pero sana alam mo kung saan mo ilalagay ang sarili mo, Saskia." Hinalukipkip niya ang mga braso niya.
"Oo naman, Ninang. Alam ko naman na may fiancee siya at mahal na mahal niya ito. Wala akong balak sirain ang relasyon nila. Sabi nga, di ba? Don't do on to others what you can do today." Sabi ko.
Dumukot mula bulsa niya ng piso. Inabot niya sa akin iyon. "O ito piso, humanap ka d'yan sa labas ng kausap mo. Sumasakit ulo ko sa'yo!"
"Si Ninang talaga." Humaba ang nguso ko.
"Saskia, nandito na si Migs!" Narinig kong sabi ni Mammy.
Dali-dali akong tumakbo papunta sa pinto at nakita ko siyang nakatayo doon may dala-dalang ilang paper bag.
"Hey." Ngumiti siya sa akin pero iba ang sinasabi ng mga mata niya. Iba ang itsura ni Migs ngayon. Maitim na ang ilalim ng mga mata nito at mukhang hindi nakapag-ahit ng ilang araw pero bumagay naman sa kanya yung balbas niya.
May kung akong bigat sa dibdib ang naramdaman ko. Parang sa mga oras na iyon, ramdam ko ang bigat ng problema na dinadala niya.
"Bumili ako ng grocery para sa inyo at kay baby." Bumaba ang tingin niya sa tiyan ko.
"Salamat." Mahinang sabi ko. "Tara! Pasok ka."
"Kuya Miggy!" Salubong ni Cosme at Yuka sa kanya.
"Hey, you two. Nagdala ako ng pizza para sa inyo." Ginulo niya ang buhok ng dalawa.
Tuwang-tuwa naman ang dalawa at inutusan sila ni Mammy na tumulong sa pagpasok ng mga grocery bag. Inaya ko si Migs papunta sa salas habang ang PG kong family ay nilalantakan na ang pizza na pasalubong niya.
Tahimik siyang umupo sa sofa at humugot ng malalim na buntong-hininga.
"How are you there?" Nag-aalalang tanong ko.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya at para bang gusto kong pasanin kahit kalahati man lang nun, mabawasan man lang ang bigat na nararamdaman niya.
"I... Hazel called the wedding off." Pumiyok ang boses niya sa dulo. "Hindi na matutuloy ang kasal namin."
"Migs..." Napalunok ako. Alam kong ako at ang baby ko ang dahilan nang pagkakalabuan nilang dalawa. "Migs, sorry. Hindi ko sinasadyang masira ang relasyon niyo. Hayaan mo akong kausapin siya at ipaliwanag sa kanya ang lahat. Kung kailangan kong lumuhod sa kanya, gagawin ko. Please..."
Oo, mahal ko si Migs pero wala akong intensyon sirain ang relasyon nila ni Hazel. Mali na nakipagtalik ako sa kanya noong unang beses at lalong naging mali nang sundan pa namin iyon. Pero hindi pa naman huli ang lahat para isalba ang relasyon nila. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na ako ang nang-akit kay Migs at wala siyang kasalanan. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na lasing si Migs nang mga oras na iyon. Tanggap ko naman na kahit kailan hindi magiging kami.
"It's not your fault, Saskia. Ako ang may kasalanan nito. I've done things to you that I shouldn't have done." Bigla siyang lumuhod sa may paanan ko at niyakap ako. Ibinaon niya ang mukha niya sa tiyan ko at naramdaman ko ang mainit na likidong tumagos sa damit ko. Nagsimulang umalog ang mga balikat niya habang yakap ako at ramdam ko ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. Ayaw kong nasasaktan siya dahil masakit din iyon para sa akin.
Sinuklay ko ang mga daliri ko sa mala-gintong buhok niya at hinalikan ang ibabaw nito.
"I'm sorry, Saskia. I'm sorry..." Paulit-ulit na sabi niya.
"Migs, ano ka ba? Tumayo ka nga diyan. Baka malungkot din si baby kapag naramdaman niyang malungkot ang Daddy niya." Ikinulong ko ang mukha niya sa loob ng dalawang kamay ko at pilit na inangat ang mukha niya.
Pula at namumugto ang mga mata niya sa pag-iyak. Ngayon ko lang nakita ang ganitong parte ni Migs. Ang umiiyak at mahinang parte niya. May kung anong hawak ang humaplos sa puso ko. Hinalikan ko siya sa noo at lalong humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin.
___
Sorry guys, for not updating this story for quite a while. Two months yata akong hindi nakapag-update dito. Tinapos ko kasi yung sa mga kapatid ni Migs. Dito na ako magfofocus pero next week na siguro ang regular updates. Super busy talaga ako ngayon. Salamat sa mga matiyagang naghintay ng update. Love you all.