Let's not waste the rest of our lives wondering what could've been.
- perry poetry
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Chapter 48
Camila's POV
"We should go now, Clara."
And suddenly, silence fell upon the room. I could feel my heart stomping in my chest. Why do I feel sad all of a sudden? It's like everything I did to her bounced back to me. I feel pity for Lauren. I feel sad for her. I feel everything I wasn't suppose to feel.
And then I heard a series of footsteps coming out of the room. Adrenaline rush on me as I quickly turn to the bulletin board near Lauren's room. The Jaureguis walked out of the room with Mike gripping on Clara's arm who's continuously crying.
I adjust my cap as I watched them walk down the hallway. Now everything Lauren told me in San Francisco finally makes sense. Why they never cared about her as much as they cared to her siblings. This is the reason why. Lauren was never their own. And in a world full of happy families, Lauren was all alone. She had nothing but herself and for some unexplainable reason, the thought somehow clenched my heart.
As soon as I make sure they're really gone, I turn around to step inside Lauren's room but I was startled when I saw her standing by the door frame.
"Lauren!" I exclaimed.
She looked at me dead in the eyes before walking pass me without saying any word. That looked in her eyes— the same coldness, same anger, same hatred... I know that all very well.
Knowing how she could be reckless whenever she's angry, I followed her without thinking twice. Lauren was walking so fast that I'm practically running after her. At the hospital door, Lauren suddenly stopped and I finally manage to catch up on her.
"Lauren, you need to calm down." I spoke out of worriedness, "Don't do something stupid."
Lauren turns her gaze to me, "What do you think I'll do?" It's not a question but rather a challenge. One wrong answer and you're dead.
"You know what you could do when you're being like this."
"Being like what?"
"Lauren—"
"A monster?"
"I didn't say that."
"Clearly."
"I know you're not like that anymore. I know you're far more better than the person you used to be."
Lauren didn't say anything. Her eyes are pierce straight ahead so I follow where she's looking at and there, I saw the Jaureguis.
"But what about Lauren? Dad she needs us!"
"Just get in the damn car, Chris!"
"Mom! Say something!"
Clara remains silent as Mike shoved both of them inside the car and drive away. I turn my gaze to look at Lauren and there are tears forming in her eyes as her expression slowly getting soft.
"I'm all alone." I heard her mumbled. Her voice nearly breaks.
"No, you're not." I said that made Lauren looked towards my direction, "You're not alone, Lauren."
"Why are you here?"
I took a deep breath before I offer my proposition to her, "Clark needs you. He's in the hospital and—"
"I think my resignation letter didn't reach to you, Miss Cabello. But to sum it all up, I quit."
Lauren started to walk away but I grab her arm immediately to stop her from going further away.
"I want you back!"
She looked at me with a furrowed eyebrows.
"I mean I want you to work for me again. For Clark's sake, please."
"I can't, I'm sorry. I can't go back in there and keep seeing you and expect me to be fine because I would be lying to myself if I say I'm okay to be around you because I'm not. And you know exactly why."
"I-I could stay in the hotel if that will make you feel comfortable. I promise you won't be seeing my face. I-I just..." I took a sigh and run my hands through my hair, "I don't know what else to do. I tried everything to comfort him but all he wants is you, Lauren. And right now, all I could ask for is for you to come back. I promise I will make things more easy for you."
Lauren remained silent for a moment. She's looking over my shoulder while thinking and all I could do right now is crossed my fingers and pray that she will say yes.
"Okay."
I blink three times.
"Okay?"
"Okay, I'll come with you."
I breathed out in relief as smile creeps on my face, "Thank you! Thank you so much!"
***
"Headaches?"
Lauren shook her head as the nurse kept checking up on her, "Negative."
"Have you vomit ever since you woke up?"
"Neither."
The nurse nod her head as she write down something on her clipboard.
"So far that's a good sign that the accident doesn't caused you a harmful damage. However, the further test is still mandatory before we sign your release."
"Please do every test to make sure she's really okay."
The nurse nod her head and smile before she excused herself and leave, leaving me and Lauren all alone.
I heard her took a sigh as she shift her body comfortably around the bed.
"Do you mind if I ask what happened?"
"Broken brakes, nothing serious."
I nod my head, "I thought you've already snatched my throne as the queen of being a horrible driver." I joked in attempt to lighten up the mood which I guess works because I heard her chuckled.
"Don't worry you still have that tittle."
I'm about to respond when I felt my phone vibrate against my pocket. I took it and it was Normani calling so I excuse myself for a bit as I head outside to answer her call.
"Hey, Mani? What's up?"
"I heard you're in Miami. Is that true?"
"Yes, I... I came to see Lauren."
"... You're engaged, Camila."
"I know. I just came here for Clark."
"So, what did she say?"
"She's coming back with me."
I heard Normani chuckled sarcastically, "After everything? I salute her."
"No need to be rude, Mani."
"What rude? I'm just saying. So... does Mr. Mendes know about this?"
I scratch the back of my head, "About that... not yet."
"Are you gonna tell him?"
"I'm still trying to figure out how. I know he won't support my decision... I don't know. I still have 3 months before he comes home. I'm sure I'll figure something out."
"Well, good luck on that, Mila. And call me as soon as you landed back here in LA."
"Sure do." I ended the call and slip my phone back to my pocket.
Lauren's already asleep when I get back so I settled myself in the couch instead while browsing my phone. I go to my twitter and scroll through my feed until I saw some fans tweeting about Shawn's concert happening today. I watched few of the videos they posted and they never failed to make me smile especially whenever they asked him questions about me, us.
"What does it feels like to be In love with Camila?"
Shawn chuckled, "It's like the most... she's completely all in or nothing. And I think that's something I wasn't in the beginning of our relationship. And I... I think that a lot of people maybe are afraid to be all in because if you're all in then it will really hurts that much if it ends, you know? But she really teaches me that if we have one life and we don't have much time here might as well be all in if you're In love with someone. I kinda learn that everyday. She's so... absolutely patient with me especially when I'm stressed or something is getting into me. She'll come to me and say "It's okay, I love you no matter what. I love you no matter what." And that's— that's strength and patience in love. And it's amazing, it's like a movie."
A knock against the door interrupted my binging to Shawn's interview. I get up from my seat and open the door and was greeted by Lauren's nurse.
"The results came in and they were all normal. She's good to go."
"Thank you."
I settled Lauren's bill at the cashier for a moment before I fetch her up. When I get there, Lauren's already awake. She's sitting at the edge of her bed so I hurriedly run towards her.
"Do you need something?"
"I just need to pee."
"Let me help you."
I offered my hand and assist Lauren all the way to the comfort room.
"Call me if you need something."
"Thanks!" Lauren yelled from the inside.
While waiting for her, I pack few of her stuff and get it ready so we can leave and fly back to LA as soon as possible.
I swing the bag over my shoulder as I face the door of the comfort room that was now open.
"Let's go?"
"Actually, I've been meaning to ask you if we can stay here in Miami for tonight? Of course, if that's okay with you."
"If that's what you want then it's fine with me. I'll just go look and find some hotel."
"I know a place. I could tell you the directions."
I nod my head, "Okay, lead the way."
***
Lauren lead me to some secluded forest that was surely away from the city. Everything around us are trees and the only sound I could hear was the birds's humming and the tweak of the trees and dry leaves as we step on it.
"Are you planning to kill me, Jauregui?" I asked while following her.
Lauren stopped from her tracks as she shrugged, "And why would I do that? Have you been a bad girl lately?"
"Yes."
"Was it fun?"
"Being mean or..." I stumbled onto my words as the series of recently event between us flashed in my head.
"Both."
I swallowed hard, "Nothing of it was fun."
Lauren smiled, "You'll get used to it."
We continued to walk around the forest for another good long 15 minutes until we reach the very end of the forest aka the most breath taking beach I've ever seen in my life. Everything in this place is craft perfectly. The fine white sand. The crystal blue ocean— the endless deep blue ocean.
"Worth the long walk, isn't it?" Lauren smiled while looking straight ahead.
"How did you know about this place?"
"We used to come here when I was a still a little kid. I remember how Chris, Taylor, and I run around the sand while laughing endlessly. I could still smell the smoke of the barbecue that mom's roasting. I could still hear dad's struggle in assembling our tent. I was happy, like genuinely happy. Everything was perfect... until life fucked me over. Until it turns out the only people I knew my whole life are not really my family."
I could see the hurt wincing on Lauren's eyes as she spoke. I forced my eyes to look at the ocean ahead of us as well.
"But I guess that's okay though. I think I'm fine with the fact that I only have myself."
"Are you saying that it's okay for you to be alone? Lauren, the Jaureguis became your family ever since you were a baby. And I could tell Clara loved you way too much like you were her own, Chris too. So don't ever say that you're all by yourself because you still have a family. You still have them."
"Nothing will ever be the same, Camila. I cannot go back in there and act like I didn't hear everything. Besides, I don't really care anymore what I gain and what I lose."
"You're just saying that but I know deep inside, you care."
"Ever since I lost you, I don't care about losing anything anymore."
I clenched my jaw and changed the topic, "Aren't you... going to find your real parents?"
Lauren shook her head, "What for? They weren't even looking for me so why should I? They abandoned me for a reason."
"You wouldn't know that."
"If they wanted to keep me in the first place then I wouldn't be here standing beside you in some unknown beach."
"But what if they were in some other places and they are searching for you? Your parents, your siblings?"
"I doubt that." And then Lauren started heading down to the beach, "Come on. We didn't come here to reminisce my childhood memories with them."
I followed Lauren as we approach the big rock that was in the middle of the beach. I watched the green eyed girl picked up some empty bottle in the corner as she run towards my direction.
"So... why did we really come here?" I asked as we both settle down in the sand.
"Because I realized something."
"What is it?"
"I don't want to be selfish. I don't really see the point of going back to Clark but then he loses you in the process just because of me."
"But I thought—"
"And the only thing I see to make this work is if we talk about this now."
I turn to her direction and look straight in her green eyes, "What do you want me to say?"
"Everything you've wished for me to hear."
I turn my gaze back to the ocean, "I don't think I can go back to that place again and remember it all. I can't feel them twice."
"You have to. Otherwise, how can we forget and move forward? Peace comes with letting go."
Silence fell upon us. I watched the ocean waves splash right through the rocks then into my sneakers. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hug them.
My mind was racing with so many thoughts. What Lauren wants is like making the scar bleed again. It wasn't easy. None of the pain I've dealt because of her were easy. And for all the times that I cried my eyes out day and night. For all the times I wasn't eating. For all the times I've kept blaming myself for not being good enough. For all the times I've questioned everything about myself. For all the times I want to end my own life. For all the times I tried so hard to pick up every broken pieces of my soul just so I could survive another day— all the consequences I had to pay because I loved her.
"I was just ignorant, selfish, and egoistic asshole. Just a young girl thinking she knew better at love when she wasn't. I was... you're this precious angel who loved me despite of being torn. You saved me from myself by giving me your love, and I thought that I was doing the same thing but I guess you were right. You don't destroy the person you love. I should've run after you after our heated fight instead of nursing my anger. I should've told you how sorry I was and I'll do everything to make this work. I should've believed you when you told me you're not going to leave me instead of listening to all the undying voices in my head that tells me otherwise. I should've been more patient and wait for you to come back. But I can't buy back the time, Camila. I'm not god or some witch or a fairy god mother. I'm just a girl who's life is nothing without you. I've made a huge mistake when I cheated on you and I was never proud of that. And trust me when I say that I'm paying that same mistake every single day of my life. The amount of hatred that I have towards myself knowing I've hurt you so much... it's beyond overwhelming. It's the only thing I could feel, like a constant reminder that I'm still alive living the life where I'm trying so very hard to learn how to live without you by my side. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Camila. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to fight for us. Sorry that my weakness caused you so much pain."
Lauren placed the empty bottle in the middle as she scope some sand and put it inside.
"Today was the day I found out you had met someone else." I started, tears begins to form in my eyes. Everything that happened 5 years ago are now flashing in my head like it all happened yesterday. Everything was still clear like no time passed by, even the pain it brings.
Lauren look at me, tears are forming in her eyes as well. I could tell she wanted to hold me but restraint herself from doing so.
"At that very moment I don't know what to think or what to feel. But I know that it kills me that you couldn't be happy with me because I tried, I tried so hard to make it work. And then I know I had to walk away, because I could feel it happening. I'm losing myself. I looked at the mirror and I couldn't recognized myself anymore. But then at the corner of my mind I'm still hoping that you'll run after me, that you'll stop me and tell me not to leave, that you'll beg me to stay and tell me you need me, but you never did. And I guess everything I did... none of it was enough."
"Camila, you are more than enough."
"If I was then I should've made you stay. But you left. You left like everything was nothing, like I was nothing. And I will never understand how easy it is for you to leave everything behind."
"It takes everything in me to walk away from you."
I met Lauren's gaze, "I've waited 3 years for you, did you know that?"
Tears finally escape from her eyes and I had to look away so the tears I'm trying so hard to hold back won't drop as well. And suddenly, every conversations I had with Normani came crashing in in my head.
....
"I mean, after all these years, you really should find someone new for yourself. She's not coming back, Mila." Normani said seriously, looking straight in my eyes.
I looked back at her, and as I started to speak, I closed my mouth. "It's her loss.", they told me. But to her, she didn't lose anything. She just wasn't interested anymore. But to me, I felt like I lost my whole world. I lost every kiss we ever shared, every hand I've ever held. I lost it all. But worst of all I have to walk around every day still loving her, still needing her. And hopefully someday, she'll realize that the worst thing in life was losing me.
After a moment of silence, I finally answered.
"Of course, I know she's not coming back." I gave her a weak laugh, "But here I am, still waiting for her."
Someday, I will forget how she looked at me and I will stop dreaming about her every single night, wishing for her to come back. I will forget the way I laughed at every little thing she said and how I was different; happier, with her. Someday, what we had wouldn't matter anymore, and I will never cry for her again.
....
"You were right, Lauren. You're not easy to forget."
Lauren took something from her pocket. When she pulled it out, it was our picture together. We were smiling, we were happy. I had my arms around her and I remember that feels exactly like home.
"Do you remember?" She asked me. A sad smile came upon my lips and I closed my eyes, breathing out the words as if they would be my last. Images of us made me wince, it was too painful to remember.
"How could I forget?" My voice broke but a light smile came upon my lips as I thought of us back when we were genuinely happy together. Before we destroyed each other.
"I promise that I am trying so hard to be okay. I'm trying so hard not to think of you or to stumble across memories that I don't have anymore. I'm trying so hard to forget everything that you made me feel. But then I saw an old photo of us and we looked so happy. You were holding me and I was wrapped around you and we were laughing. We were In love. And it just hit me that I will never get another moment with you like that. I won't get to hear your laugh at my stupid jokes, or see your eyes roll every time I'm being stupid, or see your eyes when you see the beautiful stars at night. I won't get to smile at you randomly— just because I love you. It just hit me that this is the end."
Then I remember, out of all the times Lauren held me in her arms. The way she hugged me. I remember that it almost hurt, but in a good way— as if she wanted me to sink into her, keep me inside her body. I remember not breathing. I remember not needing to... because for once, somebody breathed for me, somebody lived for me. And I remember being so utterly, completely happy. And no matter what I do, no matter how many boys I kiss or how much vodka I drink, no matter how hard I hold onto anyone that followed, nobody else ever held me that way. Nobody even came close. No one else ever held me so tightly the way Lauren did.
And then I found myself crying the same way I did before— crying for the same person I swore I will never shed another tears. I found myself feeling all the pain. I found myself desperately gasping for some air because I couldn't breathe. And then I felt her hands cupped my face as our eyes met. Her green eyes that was so welcoming, so warm, and full of love as she gaze through my brown orbs. She is beautiful. Even now, as broken as she is, with blood shot eyes that can't cry anymore because she's already shed so many tears, she's still beautiful. And with her touch, I break down.
"But I'm glad that I met you, Camila. We're not meant for each other but I'm happy that for a sheer moment it felt like we were."
"I loved you."
Lauren sigh, "I know you did, and I loved you too. I still do. But I don't deserve you."
"That wasn't your choice to make, it was mine. I decide who I spend my life with and I cannot tell you how many times I prayed to god begging for that to be you. And I don't think you understand, I would've dropped everything. I would've thrown away my life to be with you. But you left, you left because you thought you knew what's best for me when it was you who was best for me."
"But you deserve better, much more better than what I could give." She whispered, pain shoot across her eyes.
"That's what you don't get. I don't care if I deserve better, because I want you. There is nothing better than you."
"Do you... do you regret it?"
"What?"
"I don't know," Her voice shook. "Everything."
"Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you weren't the best thing that ever happened to me. Because you were."
"Yeah," She said with a glistening eyes. "You too. Our story didn't end well but it is still the best one I know."
And then we smiled at each other. The kind of smile that was genuine, forgiving, and loving. The kind of smile that has "What could have been if we take different choices. Will I still be hers and she's mine?" But this talk really helped me a lot. I realized that despite of everything, I still love Lauren. And maybe it's no longer the same or as strong as I felt back then, but I love her. I love her enough to forgive her.
Lauren get back on her feet as she took the bottle and put our picture inside. She took something from back pocket and it was the ring she bought for me on her birthday. She put it all inside the bottle, sealed it, before tossing it in the ocean.
And I always believed that we would find our way back to each other every time. But this time it felt final. Like I would never see her again or that when I did, it would be different— there would be mountain between us. I knew it in my bones. This time was it. She had finally made her choice, so did I. We're letting each other go.
"Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore, right?"
"Right."
Lauren extended her hand to me with a smile on her face, "Friends?"
I accepted her handshake and smile as well, "Friends."
"So does that mean I can now call you any lame endearment?"
I chuckled, "Whatever floats your boat."
I could feel Lauren's thumb on my engagement ring. Half of her smile fades as she looked straight in my eyes.
"Congrats on your engagement, Camz. I'm happy for you and Shawn, really."
"Thank you, Lauren. And I hope someday you'll be able to find your person too and be genuinely happy."
Lauren nod her head, "I hope so too."
When we think of "meant to be", we automatically assume forever. But maybe it isn't supposed to last forever. Maybe it's just someone who is in your life to teach you something. Maybe the forever is not the person, but what we gain from them.
__________________________________
A/N: [This is a long speech cause I only write author's note once in a blue moon so...]
GUYS!!!! I'm so close in finishing this book. 14 chapters left and I'm so excited to write them all while I spend most of my quarantine time at home. I have one and half month to finish this book before I go back to school so hopefully, crossed fingers, I'll be able to finish this.
But most importantly, I am so excited to publish new story. I had so many drafts in here but I think my most favorite one is the camren story with a type of mafia and action kind of story. I've done enough cliché high school love story so it's time for me to try something new.
And lately I've been reading a lot of action stuff and I find myself getting addicted to movies about zombie apocalypse. So if I took so long updating know that I'm binging some episodes of fear the walking dead cause that show is sick af! And Alicia Clark? That girl is my wifey.
Like look how perfect she is!!!!! 😩🥺😭😭😭
Anyway, I'd like to say thank you, thank you, thank you, endless sea of thank you's for ur support in this book. Ur votes, comments, ur feedbacks, ur messages, the way u always checked on me when will I update, everything is much appreciated. It makes me really happy knowing I'm doing a good job on making something that is enjoyable by everyone. There will be more twist and turns coming in this story, more drama to come so I hope u stay with me until the end of this book.
Again, thank you and stay safe always. Wear mask.
Love lots. ❤️