The following morning, after breakfast, I found myself on my way to Deka's stall, where I vaguely remembered her working at. If memory served right, she sold small knick-knacks and jewellery to other grounders as a living. Q and I were heading to her stall now and surprisingly, he offered to give me some distance as I attempted to speak to the other grounder. I was grateful to say the least.
"I won't be more than a shout away," Q said as we approached the stall, somewhat with care to my surprise. I appreciated it, not expecting him to trust me by myself; he must have trusted Deka. I nodded his way, earning a nod in return before he left.
Deka hadn't noticed me yet, but I could see her from where I was stood, serving customers with a forced smile on her lips. She seemed bothered by something, and I knew it was because of our encounter yesterday. I suddenly felt nervous, almost afraid of how our next encounter would go. I kind of wanted us to become friends again? I felt a certain way about our relationship and I wanted to remember her. Fully.
I released a shaky breath before confidently walking towards her stall. She wasn't serving anyone at the moment, so she spotted me almost immediately. A grin spread across her face and her eyes lit up in the morning sun. I couldn't help but give a small smile, finding her own happiness contagious.
"Hey, Deka," I greeted, standing in front of her stall, which was filled with her own products. She made them herself and they were quite popular, with the children specifically.
Okay, did I just remember that?
"Do you remember me? Is that why you're here?" she asked with excitement, already cutting to the chase.
I chewed on my lower lip as I thought carefully. I didn't want to get her hopes up, but I did want to see what would happen if I could discuss things with her. About this world, about Polis, about the Commander. She helped me to adjust the first time, so maybe she could help again.
"Partially," I told her, making her grin widen, if humanly possible. "I actually wanted to see if we could speak. About things. I feel like I can trust you..."
She nodded instantly, already moving around and packing her products away. I furrowed my eyebrows at her urgency to pack away.
"You don't need to stop selling just for me," I reassured her, watching her pack quickly. "You still need to make money and live your life. We can talk later if that's better for you."
She paused for a moment, to give me a knowing look and raise her eyebrow. "Y/N, I haven't seen you in what feels like forever. Are you honestly expecting me to speak to you later?"
I didn't know what to say, so I stayed silent as she continued to pack away, slower this time.
"You disappearing taught me to make the most of my time with the people I love," she spoke timidly, her smile disappearing. "I don't know how long I have you back, so I don't want to waste it. Y'know?"
Her words probably weren't meant to leave a mark, but I definitely felt different inside after she spoke them.
She suddenly smiled again, as if the past thirty-seconds hadn't happened, and said, "Come on, we can go to my place and catch up."
Gathering her belongings, she led the way and I followed closely behind. There wasn't much talking, but I preferred it that way. The silence was comforting and I appreciated her presence.
Sooner that I thought, we reached Deka's home, a red tent placed in the midst of others. She seemed proud as she invited me in and settled her things inside. I looked around the interior and smiled subconsciously, feeling a familiarity in the same way I did when in my room at the tower.
"You know this place?" she asked, noticing my expression. "Not much has changed since you left. Got some beanbags to chill on, that's about it."
She motioned to two beanbags and jumped on top of one of them, a grin on her lips. I was surprised, but sat on the other beanbag opposite her.
"They have beanbags here?" I voiced my confusion, knowing that this was a thing in my time. I couldn't imagine a grounder having a beanbag. Then again, I couldn't imagine a grounder like Deka.
"No, actually," she said, chuckling shortly after. "I, uh, I made these right before you, uh, went... You told me about them and how you used to have one in your bedroom. So, I made these as a surprise for you and I..."
She was trying hard to hide the sadness in her eyes with a smile, but I could see right through her. I felt guilty that she'd done this for me, but I couldn't even remember the conversation we had about them.
"Thank you," I spoke, smiling gratefully. She was surprised and perked up at my reaction. "They are awesome."
Her smile widened and the happiness returned to her expression again, making me smile, too. She looked beautiful when she smiled and I wished she would do it more. It was my fault she wasn't, wasn't it?
"I made some more beanbags whilst you were gone," she told me, genuinely thrilled at the idea, "and I sold them to some other grounders. They are my best-selling product and I'm working on some more."
My own smile remained on my face as she told me, and I happened to say, "Maybe I can help you make some more." It was too late to take back what I said, but I didn't regret it.
She laughed wholeheartedly, obviously appreciating the comfortableness between us. It felt as if no time had passed, and though it was odd, I liked it.
"Of course!" she exclaimed, sitting up straight and grinning. "I've got loads of ideas and I think you'll really like them."
I laughed at how excited she was and for a split second, I felt like I was myself again. Nobody had stolen my memories, nobody had hurt me. I was just talking with my best friend and we were having an awesome time.
"So, you wanted to speak to me and we totally got sidetracked," she pointed out, settling back into her beanbag. "Go ahead..."
I sighed and felt my excitement drifting away from me. Right, I had to figure out this whole mess that was my life.
"I was reading my journal last night," I began simply, meeting her eyes which were filled with curiosity. "You were in there and we were, well, best friends. Am I right?"
With a pride-filled expression, she nodded. "Yes."
Once again, I smiled again and continued. "After some reading, I remembered some things about you and that's how I know I can trust you enough to tell you about what's happened. Why I'm like this."
She nodded encouragingly and it really eased my nervousness. She wasn't joking around anymore, but rather serious, and I wondered if one of the reasons we were best friends was because she knew when to joke and when to be serious. I really needed that.
I began telling her about what happened at Mount Weather and what they did to me. I told her about the Sky People, Raven, the bunker, and everything that happened to me up until now. She didn't interrupt me unless it was a question for clarification, and she was definitely the best listener I knew.
After some of my own questions about Deka and I's friendship, I learned that we were indeed very close. She told me about some experiences we had, and oddly enough, I remembered some of them. Pranking, mostly. I was now sure that I could trust her. I just kind of felt it.
She soon went on to explain this big fight that I had caused between the clans Azgeda and Trikru. Apparently I was taken by some Ice Queen and managed to live to tell the tale. According to Deka, "it was pretty badass". That's how we ended up on the topic of the Commander.
"So, it's true that she and I were... together?" I asked hesitantly, a frown on my lips, fearing Deka's response.
Deka nodded slowly. "Yeah... Can I speak freely?"
I was taken aback. "Deka, you can say whatever you want. Just because I can't remember things doesn't mean my feelings will get hurt."
She swallowed visibly, saying, "Right," before scratching the side of her head. "Honestly, you were both inseparable. The Commander found you and I know you probably only remember me helping you figure out this new world, but she did, too. Especially after defeating Ice Nation, you both protected each other at all costs. She taught you how to fight and you taught her about your world."
I breathed out slowly, nodding my head to show that I was listening. Whereas I would usually feel angered and skeptical by the idea of the Commander and I once loving each other, I now felt intrigued. The way Deka described it didn't really seem that terrible.
"The Commander and you falling in love was probably the best thing to happen to Polis," she spoke truthfully. "After Costia, we all thought that–"
"Who's Costia?" I asked, tilting my head to the side with confusion. "I recognise that name."
Deka hesitated. "Uh, maybe you should ask the Commander about that. I don't have much of a right to explain if you don't know."
As much as I wanted to press further, I figured this was a personal matter, so let against it. "...Okay. Continue, I guess."
She nodded, running her hands through her hair. "When you went missing, the Commander sent every search party she could out every day and every night. She scoured the whole of our land and even beyond, but you were nowhere to be found. None of us thought the Mountain Men could have taken you. They usually kept to themselves..."
"I wish," I mumbled quietly.
"I know it must have been scary, coming here and not knowing anything or anyone. With what's happened, I don't blame you for the way you've acted. But I'm just wondering one thing...," she insinuated a question, and I was curious as to what it was. I'd told her practically everything I knew.
"What is it?"
She seemed reluctant as she sank further into her beanbag, but she remained looking me in the eyes. "Uh, well, I know this is understandably a sore subject for you... but if you found out that the Mountain Men lied to you about who you were... uh..."
"Go on, it's fine," I encouraged, partially because I was really really curious as to where she was going with this.
"...uh, well, if you knew they lied to you, why did you believe them when they said that we were the bad guys? Us meaning us grounders?" she finished, chewing on her lower lip awkwardly, obviously fearing offending me.
I sensed the offence she felt herself, probably because I made the presumption that her and her people were the bad guys. Did I still believe that? I wasn't so sure anymore...
I changed my sitting position on the beanbag as I thought of a way to phrase my response without hurting her feelings. "Well, you know I befriended some of the Sky People when I was in Mount Weather..." She nodded. "They told me how the grounders attacked them when they landed on Earth and I knew they couldn't be lying. That was the only thing that matched up with what the Mountain Men told me, so I was led to believe this was true."
"And now you know it isn't...," Deka confirmed, looking up at me through her eyelashes. "Right?"
"I don't know," I said, truthfully. "Is it? I mean, they– uh, you, attacked the Sky People and killed innocent people. The Commander was willing to start a war with the Sky People until she found me. How many people would have died?"
"She does what she does to protect us, Y/N," Deka defended her. "You have to understand that."
I shrugged. "There's ways to go about that, Deka. And didn't she say that you deserved to get beaten up when you stole that bread? That's unnecessary violence."
Deka's eyes widened with surprise. "You remember that?"
I smiled sadly. "Yeah, I do. And I remember how she would have stood back and let you get hurt if I hadn't gotten hurt, too. Does that sound peaceful to you? She tried to kill Raven. For something that wasn't her fault. All I'm saying is that not all grounders are like you. So, in a way, they are the bad guys. I'm sorry to say."
Deka nodded slowly, looking down as she let me finish what I was saying. However when I was done, she looked up and met my eyes.
"All of what you said is very true," she agreed, before adding, "I've endured the other side of an angry grounder and I know how horrible it is. But that's not fair for you to believe that's all we have to offer. I hate to say it, Y/N, but you don't remember everything. You're only talking to me right now because you know me. You took the chance to know me all over again, but the Commander? Have you even given her a chance?"
"Well, I, uh–"
"You haven't," she cut me off, and it was unexpected of her to act so confident. "You've not given her the time of day because of what you think you know."
I opened my mouth, but squeaks were all that escaped. I knew she was right, though I refused to admit it.
She gave me a knowing look. "What she's been doing recently is the first time since you've left that she's done anything remotely violent. Losing you made her do horrible things, yes, but you're back now."
I stayed silent, feeling my guilt soak through as she continued to speak.
"Did you know that the Commander got rid of all violent punishments after my beating?" she asked, genuinely curious to whether I could remember that. I couldn't. "You showed her otherwise. She may have once been the bad guy, but not anymore. And I reckon that if you gave her the chance, you'd be able to remember all of the things you guys did together. The love you felt for one another."
There was a lengthy silence following Deka's ramble. Her eyes were still trained on me and she could probably detect my guilt from where she was sat. Just from hearing her talk about the two of us, I wanted to remember. Remember everything. I wanted the truth, not what I had heard. Not what the Mountain Men indoctrinated me with.
"I'm sorry about that," Deka suddenly said, breathing out a shaky breath. "I didn't mean to grill you... I just– I hate to see you like this when the girl I once knew was hopelessly in love with the Commander. You've been through a lot of shit, Y/N, and you deserve happiness. She was your happiness and now she's been stolen... I guess I was trying to force you to remember and that's not right. Sorry."
Deka's eyes were glassy and I felt horrible for making her like this. She spoke of the Commander and I so passionately and she cared so much about my happiness. I didn't deserve her.
"Don't apologise," I reassured her, offering a forced smile. "I needed that. You're right. It's unfair of me to believe the people who did this to me rather than the people who took me in and looked after me."
Deka nodded slowly, running out of things to say. But she'd said enough. Enough to make me view things in a different perspective anyway.
***
Since speaking to Deka, I made more of an effort to remember, despite the pain it caused me. Only a few days had passed since, but I would try to read more of my journal and go through my phone. I visited Deka throughout the day and got to know her, or remember her more, and not much had changed in terms of what I could remember, but I felt productive. Something I needed to feel right now.
It was probably because of the lengthy amount of times I would spend with Deka that I was called to a short meeting with the Commander. I would have complained or turned moody at the thought of it, but Deka's words rang clear in my head and I decided to enter the throne room with an open mind.
I hadn't really seen the Commander in a few days now, so when I entered the throne room, the tension in the air was thick. On my side, I couldn't help but feel an elation inside of me when I saw her sat on her throne, looking at some papers. The moment I read not many days ago, where we had shared a kiss, suddenly came to mind, and I couldn't think straight when I looked at her face. Once again, I felt her lips against mine, and it was so wrong to imagine, but it felt so right.
"Hey." I made my presence known and she looked up, obviously startled and too immersed in whatever she was looking at it. I stood awkwardly before her throne, not knowing what else to do but avoid glancing at her lips.
"Y/N," she acknowledged me, standing up and setting her papers down before stepping before me. "I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I heard from Q that you've been visiting Deka in town..."
I noticed the tinge of hopefulness in her voice, as if she thought that I was remembering us by visiting Deka. I hated to admit that I wasn't remembering anything about her, well, not visually anyway.
"Uh, yeah, I'm good," I assured her, nodding my head awkwardly. "Deka's been good to me. Helping me put pieces of my thoughts together..."
The Commander nodded, her entrancing green eyes peering into mine. They were honestly so ethereal and I wondered if they were my favourite feature of hers when we were together. They had seen so many things, so many terrible things at such a young age. I wondered how she kept it together. Dealt with it all.
"I'm glad she can help you," she said, looking down and blinking rapidly. I didn't know why. But then I realised that she was probably hurt that I was going to Deka for help and not her. I didn't know what to say to that.
"Yeah, same...," I trailed off awkwardly. Deciding to change the subject, I asked, "Have you heard from Indra?"
The Commander turned around and began to pace up and down, attempting to keep busy and distract herself, I figured. "Yes, she sent someone to let me know that training with the Sky People isn't going all that bad."
I felt reassurance at the sound of some good news about our situation and sighed in relief. "That's really good to hear."
She nodded in agreement. "You can leave now. I know you want to. If you need anything, let me know and I'll do what I can."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "I, uh, I'm in no rush to lea–"
"I have some paperwork to go through," she interrupted, clarifying her previous comment. She stopped pacing and faced my direction, but didn't meet my eyes. "Do you need anything else?"
"Uh, no..."
"Very well then." She nodded before returning to her throne.
I took her abruptness and silence as my cue to leave, and without anything to else to say, I turned on my heel and left. Unlike the other times, I felt offended now. But mostly empty.
//
This chapter was legit deka blessing us with her words of wisdom right
Anywho, I appreciate all the lovely comments on my last chapter! Good news is: I think I have a plot running in my head for a future Raven x you whoOP
Alsooooo I'm thinking of doing a question and answer section at the end of this book (that's ages away yet aha don't worry) because I keep getting many (very interesting) questions about this story and I thought it would be best for me to answer them in a place where everyone could see!
Eg. "Where did the inspiration for this (the first and second book) plot come from?" Or my absolute fave question someone once asked me lmao "why did you keep Finn alive when he's an absolute dick"
You guys could like comment a bunch of questions on the last chapter and I'd answer them for ya (whilst also getting a ton of self-criticism off my chest aha). What d'you all think?