You will always be the feeling I felt too much.
- perry poetry
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Chapter 44
Lauren's POV
"Camila, I'm home."
We both looked at each other with a complete shock on our faces to hear the voice of the one and only Shawn Mendes. Fear immediately creeps on our face especially Camila. My heart seem to beat slowly and heavily. I'm nervous.
"What now?" I asked above whisper.
Camila seem to finally get herself together, "Don't be scared. I won't let anything happen to you."
"But what about you? If he caught us—"
Camila shut me up by placing her lips on mine for a quick second, "He won't, okay? Hide somewhere safe. I'll distract him then you sneak out."
I nod my head.
Camila's about to walk to get the door but I grab her arm to stop her.
"Camila, wait." As soon as I our eyes met, I pulled her in for a hug. "Thank you for tonight." I whispered.
She pulled away and cupped my face as a genuine smile appeared on her lips, "Anything for you, my love." And then she planted a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Camila?" Shawn called out again and that's our cue to say goodbye to each other.
Camila walk over to the door and held the doorknob while I go inside the bathroom to hide. We look at each for the last time and gave each other a nod. I close the door of the bathroom and turn off the lights. I flop down on the floor; my back against the wall and the side of my head against the door.
The door creaked open and I heard Camila fake a gasp, "Shawn!"
"I missed you, baby! I missed you so damn much!"
I open the door slowly, leaving a small window so I can see what's happening outside. Shawn and Camila are hugging each other with his hands groping her ass. I can feel the heat rise on my body and I'm perfectly aware that it's jealousy radiating off my body and it's taking over me slowly.
"I missed you too. I'm happy that you're here."
They pulled away and his gaze fixed on the romantic dinner table.
"What's up with this? Are you with someone?" He asked as he eyed Camila suspiciously. The tone of his voice immediately changes from sweet to possessively jealous boyfriend.
I know Camila's nervous the way her body stiffened but she quickly cover it up with her brilliant excuse, "What kind of joke is that? I prepared that for us. I knew you were coming home."
Shawn furrowed his eyebrows, "How?"
"Karen."
He took a sigh and roll his eyes, "Of course, she ruined the surprise again."
"I'm just gonna act like I was really surprised to see you."
He smiled and cupped Camila's face, "It doesn't matter if this surprise didn't work out as planned. What matters is I'm here now, with you and Clark."
"I'm really happy that you were able to come home for Christmas."
"Me too." He caress her cheeks softly, "Hold on, I'll just go to the bathroom and pee."
Shit.
I immediately back away from the door and at the same time I heard Camila's hurried and panic voice that stops Shawn from going further.
I connected my ear against the door but all I can hear is nothing but pure silence. Curious on what's happening, I take a peak and I saw them making out. Camila's sitting on the bed while Shawn slowly laying her down.
I balled my fist tight and clenched my jaw at the indescribable pain in my chest as I watch him do what I did to Camila awhile ago. He took off his shirt and started to undress her. I can already feel the tears threatening to fall down so I keep on breathing out to hold them off. I know I have no right to feel this way because she isn't mine in the first place. But seeing Camila being touched by someone else who isn't me is too hard to bare. It makes my head wanna explode. I feel like I'm going crazy and I can't do anything to stop it.
I took a sharp deep breath before I slowly open the door and carefully walk outside to avoid making my presence known. I open the door quietly and leave the room without looking back.
I headed to the staircase and about to go down when Vero suddenly appeared.
"Did you just came out from Camila's room?"
"I don't know. Did I?" I asked like a stupid moron.
"I think you did. They're doing it, aren't they?"
I knitted my eyebrows, "Doing what?"
"Clark's younger sibling, duh!"
And then the scene I just witnessed seconds ago played in my head again, "Well, congrats to them." I casually answered with a sarcastic laugh but I guess it came out so obviously bitter.
"You're jealous."
"Excuse me?"
"You like Camila, aren't you?"
I chuckled as if what I heard was the funniest joke ever, "What the hell are you saying?"
"You sound so bitterly jelly whenever we talked about Shawn and Camila."
"Because I'm not a fan of them? I don't even ship them as a couple."
"It's because you ship Camila with yourself."
"Stop with the jokes, please!"
"Oh come on, Laur! I know you like her and I can tell she likes you too."
"Hey, do you know Lucy Vives? She was like my dream girl and she's like my ultimate celebrity crush. And lucky for me I've already met her. How cool was that, right? She even knew my name. Well, I think so. I don't know, I can't barely remember which is sucks. But I surely know that she knew who I was."
Vero looked at me and chuckle, "So that's how you knew you were guilty of something. You're changing the subject and you're rambling waaaaaay too much."
"I surely am not guilty. I don't like her." I love her, "End of the story. Plus, the person had a boyfriend."
Vero shrugged, "Sure." Then a meaningful smirk flashed on her lips, "Having a boyfriend doesn't stop her from getting what her heart wants." And with that Vero headed downstairs.
I don't want to stop myself from wanting you. And even if I can, I won't stop.
I love you. I love you so much.
I'll never finish falling In love with you.
I glance at the door of her room as the words Camila said to me all played in my head. I know I'm pitting fire with fire and I'll get burn in the end. I know the price I have to pay the moment I gave in to her knowing everything that happened tonight is so wrong. But with a heart that's hoping hopelessly for the girl she loves, wrong can sometimes feel so right.
***
"Fighting fire with fire will only get you more burnt and you know it." Ally lectured me. I feel incredibly guilty and confused and frustrated all at the same time the moment I wake up this morning that I need someone to confide my thoughts with and that perfect person is Ally. Nothing in this world understands me more better than she do.
It's 8:00 am in the morning and we're hanging out in the park. We were sitting on the bench while watching Clark playing with his fellow kids.
"I know that, Ally."
"No, you don't. Because if you do then you wouldn't do it. You wouldn't allow yourself to give in in that very moment. Laur, Camila had a boyfriend and what just happened between you two is so wrong. That's cheating!"
"We just kissed, okay? Nothing happened."
"Because Shawn came. But if he didn't then I'm sure that's where things will lead to."
"I can't stop myself. I love her, Ally."
"But does she? Did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason why she kissed you is because she wants you to fill the space Shawn can't fill because he's away?"
"Camila's not like that."
"You don't know that. You don't know her very well, Lauren. What you knew is Camila from 5 years ago. But the Camila who kissed you last night... you don't know her."
Maybe Ally has a point. But last night she seem so different. Her eyes... it's screaming truth and sincerity. She loved me and I can literally feel it piercing through my bones, on my soul.
"Get a hold of yourself, Lauren. As long as you can still somehow control yourself and you still have a control over to this situation then do what you think is right. Remember what happened that night. Remember how broken Camila was when she founds out that you were cheating on her. Remember that. Feel that. Cause that's exactly what Shawn will feel the moment he finds out you and Camila had a thing going on behind his back. Or if that was too cruel then just simply put yourself in his shoes. I care about you, Lauren. I am your best friend and I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want all of you to get hurt. If Camila is really serious about you then she will do the right thing. If she can't then perhaps you already knew why."
That I'm just a filler. The thought speaks in my head and my heart breaks because of it.
I look straight ahead and fixed my gaze on him, "And if Camila does... what about him? I don't care about Shawn but I care about the kid more. I don't want to hurt him."
Ally didn't respond. There's a long defying silence so I shift my gaze on her and she's looking at me. Her eyes are reflecting some kind of emotion I cannot decipher. Ally also seem to be lost in her thoughts.
"Ally?" I called out and she still didn't respond. I elbowed her lightly to bring her head back to reality.
"I'm sorry, what are you saying?"
I chuckled and shake my head, "I love Clark just as much as I love Camila. I cannot hurt him and take what he deserves to have the most."
"Camila... she already... did..." Ally stumbles on her words. I furrowed my eyebrows as I look at her, confused. She seem fighting off the words that wants to roll off from her tongue freely and completely.
"Camila already did what?" I questioned her.
"Nothing." Ally shakes her head, "Don't mind me I'm just... you know?"
I eyed her intensely and decided to be playful to lift off the seriousness and drama of our conversation.
"Is there something you're not telling me?" I questioned firmly with a serious face.
Ally quickly tensed up, "W-what? Of course, not!"
"You sound guilty though."
"Stop!"
I bite off my tongue to prevent myself from smiling, "Last night, Camila told me he's my son."
Ally suddenly got choke and I burst into laughter.
"Lauren!" She started hitting me.
"Chill, jesus! I'm just playing with you. Besides, do you really think that he's my son?" I shake my head while laughing.
"WHAT IF he is? What will you do?"
I don't have to spend much time thinking of what would my answer be because I've already know the answer deep inside me, "Then I'd be the luckiest woman in the world. And the happiest, may I add. But sadly he's not mine."
"But... do you want to?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"
Ally stayed silent yet again. I look at her and she's out there zoning out from her thoughts that seem bugging the hell out of her.
"Are you really—"
"What if the night you left you found out that Camila's pregnant with your child. Would you have chosen differently?"
Ally got me there. I think for a moment trying to weigh in the what if scenario she threw at me.
"Well, I'll probably stay cause who in the world have a heart to leave their girlfriend and their baby out in the cold all alone? I mean, it's a blessing. The greatest gift you could ever have." I shake my head lowly, "So no, I won't leave."
Ally fell silent yet again so I nudge her using my arm, "What's up with all these weird questions Allyson Brooke Hernandez? Now I really do feel you have something you're not telling me."
"I don't know. Lately, I'm like this. Thinking what could have happen if we chose the other way around."
"You shouldn't do that or else you'll end up insane. Trust me, you're already sounding one."
Ally glared at me and I laugh. She flicker my forehead and I groan making her laugh.
"Is seeing me in pain really your happiness?"
And without a doubt, Ally answered, "Yes."
"Screw you then."
We both laugh as easy times slowly comes between us. We continue having a casual conversation about Ally's work and the kids in her class that brings laughter and melting hearts to us. After an hour or two, Clark runs towards our direction. Panting, sweating, and shirt soaked in sweat and mud.
"Lawren!"
"Clark!" I called him out, returning the same hype he gave me. He flashed a toothless smile.
"Thank you for teaching me how to play socket."
"Soccer." Ally and I corrected him at the same time.
"And you're always welcome." I caress his head, "Anything for my boy."
"I'll go ahead now." Ally hop out from her seat and grab her stuff.
"You leaving now?"
"Have to finish my lesson plan." Ally turned her gaze to Clark, "We have recitation this coming Monday. I'll call you first."
"Noooo. Don't be so cruel to me, teacher bless." Clark gave Ally a pout. I'm just switching glances between them.
"Don't give me that pout, Clark. I've already seen that a thousand of times it won't take a toll on me."
"Okay, I'll just ask mommy to give you an autograph. Just please please please don't call me first." He clapped his hands in prayer while looking at his teacher with a puppy eyes.
"Tell her, Clark." I whispered and he nodded.
"My mommy is Camila Cabello. The very famous singer who won tons of awards and—"
Ally cut him off by covering his mouth, "And happens to be my best friend. So no, try again."
I giggled while looking both of them. Ally bid her goodbye leaving me and Clark all alone.
"Come on, let's get you clean up."
I soaked the towel in water and started wiping his face, arms, and legs so he'll feel fresh while we're on our way back. I also changed his clothes and comb his hair. Once I'm done, I look at him and smile.
"There. You looked even more handsome."
He smiled and cupped my face, "Thank you for taking care of me and mommy all the time, Lawren."
"You don't need to thank me, kid. I'm just doing the things you do for your loved ones."
"You love us?"
"So much."
"Don't leave us." Clark said with a pleading eyes and that hits differently.
And though I'm still uncertain of the things ahead of me, I still nod my head and gave my promise away.
"I won't."
***
The long drive going home is not boring at all. Mostly because Clark and I are jamming to every song that comes in in the radio. I was singing and he's trying to join me even though he doesn't know the lyrics and can't pronounce some words properly while dancing at the backseat which reminds me of Camila. Something she would do in the car. We both got exhausted and our throats ache, Clark sees my hair as his target. He used it to practice braiding because he wants to braid Camila's hair someday. So while I'm driving he's at the back braiding my hair— more like plucking my hair one by one.
"We're here." I announced.
Clark immediately hop out from the car while I turn off the engine and followed him outside. But then I was surprise to see Alfred and Vero blocking our way. They were holding Clark with a worried look on their faces.
"Is there something wrong?"
"World war III." Vero answered and gestured using his eyes. Instantly, I already get what she means. He already knew I was here.
"Afred, can I go inside now?"
"Actually, we should go get some ice cream first." Alfred smiled at Clark then he looks at me and gave me a meaningful look before walking away.
"How long are they fighting?"
"Since you and Clark left."
So they've been fighting for 3 hours straight. I can't help not to feel super worried at the possible scenarios happening inside that house. Shawn could never hurt Camila, right?
"Are you coming?"
"No, I think it's better if I stay."
"Okay. Text us if the war's already over so we can come home."
"Will do."
I watch Vero walked away before heading inside the house. The moment I step on the living room, I can hear exchanging of screaming and yelling coming from upstairs though the word is unclear.
I carefully walk upstairs and their argument became visibly clear on my ears.
"She's working for you?! Since when?!"
"Shawn—"
"And you didn't even bother yourself telling me about this?!"
"It's because I knew you would react like this!"
"And why wouldn't I?! She's your fucking ex Camila, for god's sake!"
"We had history, so what?!"
"The romantic dinner last night was really for her, isn't it?! You did that for her!"
"No! Oh my god, Shawn! How many times do I have to tell you that I made that for you, for us!"
"And how am I suppose to believe that when you were living in the same house with your goddamn ex while I'm out there not having a single idea?! You made me a fool, Camila!"
Shawn was very angry, I can easily tell. If only anger could kill, he's already dead by now. His voice was filled with jealousy and insecurity that I'm starting to be dead scared that he might hurt Camila.
I will never let him do that.
"I'm sorry, okay? I just don't want you to overthink that there's someone else when there isn't."
"This is not just someone else, Camila! This is Lauren that we're talking about! The Lauren you've been waiting for your whole life to come back!"
"Why would I need her to come back when I already have you?"
"You love her more than anything else. I'm just scared that she'll take you away from me."
"Loved. It was done, Shawn. Her and I... It was already in the past. You're my present and my future. I am In love with you, don't you understand that?"
....
"But does she? Did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason why she kissed you is because she wants you to fill the space Shawn can't fill because he's away?"
"Camila's not like that."
"You don't know that. You don't know her very well, Lauren. What you knew is Camila from 5 years ago. But the Camila who kissed you last night... you don't know her."
....
My heart seem to stop beating the moment I heard Camila said that. The throbbing pain in my chest keeps on growing faster that it starting to swallow me completely. I can't breathe. So that's it? I'm just a filler and now that he's back Camila will drop me just like that?
And my heart breaks even more. Tears freely dropped on my skin as I wipe it using my arm.
Why am I still surprise things turns out like this?
"I love you, Camila. And I don't want to share you with anyone else."
"I love you too."
And after that it went completely silent. And I know what's happening behind that close door. They finally make up so there's no reason for me to be in here anymore feeling worried at all. I texted Vero that it's safe for them to go home now before I headed downstairs and start doing my work. I clean all the portion of the house before I proceed to the kitchen to prepare all of us a lunch. I'm not with myself. Yes, I'm cooking but my mind is flying off somewhere. It keeps on dissecting everything. Wondering and hoping that somehow, everything she said is all true and not just because she needs someone because she's lonely. But who did I fool? Camila had a boyfriend who's away for a tour. She said she love me but Camila already said it herself. She loves Shawn as well. She cannot love two person at the same damn time. And it hurts me to think that the only reason she said she love me is because I'm the one who's here with her. But if Shawn's around, I'm sure she'll never give a single damn about me.
"Fuck!" I hissed when I absentmindedly touched the burning casserole. I yanked my hand away causing it to fall down on the floor and spill the whole sauce that I'm making all over the floor.
"Lauren, is everything okay?"
Speaking of the devil.
I look up towards her direction and Camila's wearing a white sexy lingerie. Her hair is a complete mess and her lips is swollen. I look at her and suddenly my mind flashes a certain scene; His lips pressed against her skin. His hands all over her body. And my heart shatter like a glass once again but I try my very best to hide it so she won't see.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt? Let me see that," She took my hand and examine it. I didn't move nor say anything. I'm just looking at her.
"It's all good. You're okay." She lift up her gaze and connect her brown orbs to me, "Thank god you're not hurt that bad."
...
"Get a hold of yourself, Lauren. As long as you can still somehow control yourself and you still have a control over to this situation then do what you think is right."
...
I clenched my jaw and pulled my hand away from her, "I'm not okay."
Worriedness and concern suddenly flash upon her face. I just don't know if it's sincerity and pure concern or she's just really a good actress.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Everything's wrong."
"I'm here. I have the whole day to listen to your problems. I'm here for you, Lauren." Camila assured me with a small smile. She's about to hold me but I quickly distance myself away from her.
"You are the problem, Camila. You are the reason why everything's so fucked up for me."
I can see the hurt shoot across her eyes. Camila stayed silent and just looking at me.
"Your boyfriend's here and I suppose my personal job for your or whatever the hell that is, is over. What do you still want from me?"
"I want you." Camila whisper-yell, "I love you. You're the one I want."
"That's what you said to him minutes ago and now you're saying the same damn lines to me."
"The only difference is, I meant it this time."
I stayed silent and look away. I don't think I can look at Camila nor stand near her without smelling Shawn on her clothes. It'll just shatter the broken few pieces left in my heart if I did.
"Lauren, look at me." Camila spoke softly but there's a hint of plead in her voice.
I refused to give in.
"Can you look at me, please? I'm begging."
I bit the inside of my cheeks before I connect my eyes on her. And as soon as it did, Camila cupped my face and pressed her lips on mine for a minute before pulling away. She rest her forehead against mine.
"I know you're hurting right now and I'm so sorry. My heart hurts as well but I need to do that so he'll let you stay here. But please believe me, you're the only one I truly loved, still love."
I pulled away and look at her firmly. I need to break things off earlier before things broke me into ashes.
"You want me and you want him too. You can't have both of us, Camila! That was so fucking unfair to me and to him!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Choose me over him. Leave him for me. Tell him you still love me. Tell him I'm all that you need. Tell him it's me that you miss and you think all the damn time. Tell him it's my lips you wanted to kiss. Tell him it's my hands you wanted to feel holding you tight when the night grows cold. Tell him you don't want him anymore. Can you do that? Can you really leave the man who loves you so much for the girl that left you when you needed her most?" I challenged her knowing she can never do it.
Camila stayed silent. She's just staring in my eyes for a moment. After a minute or two, she open her mouth to say something but Shawn's voice and footsteps coming down cut off our conversation.
"That's what I thought." And with that, I walked out of the house.
***
For the past two weeks that I've been living with Shawn and Camila I can literally say that it was the most awkward and most uncomfortable and most troublesome days of my life. Shawn and Camila are inseparable during those weeks. Camila's making sure there won't be any war between Shawn and I while Shawn's making sure I'm 1,000 miles away from Camila as possible as it can be. They're always making out, excessively heavy make out sessions all in front of me initiated by Shawn and I know what exactly he's doing. There are times I caught Camila looking at me with an apologetic eyes but I shrugged it continue busying myself with anything that I can do in the house because if I don't then I'd just make my suffering way more worse than it already is. Most of the times my attention is all focused on my work cause having Shawn here in the house means I can't talk and go near Camila and same rules applies to Clark. I don't know what's his deal with me and the kid but whenever Clark is coming for me, he'll always taking him away. If Clark insist and Shawn can no longer soften the boy with luxurious toys and stuff then he'll yell at him without Camila knowing. I know it's his son and he had every right to discipline him for being a hard headed kid, but, really? Yelling the kid just because he wants to play with me? That's fucking unacceptable! And that only made me hate him even more. My work here becomes incredibly difficult since he came home. He's doing what Camila did before but more worst. He'll purposely flip the coffee in my shirt, hit my shoulder hard whenever he had the chance to do it, calling me inappropriate nicknames, and the list goes on. I didn't fight back because he maybe an asshole but he's also my boss. So every time we had an encounter and things like that happened, I'll just take a very deep breath to calm myself down and to make my patience more longer.
But I don't think I can extend it further more cause even saints knows how to get mad when they've already had enough. And trust me, I'm so close to having enough of him.
Today is Friday and I texted Ally that I'll pick her up from school so we can hang out in our apartment. She said yes so after I'm done with all of my work, I immediately changed and headed outside. But then before I could step further more in the doorstep, I can hear an exchange of words from voices I knew so very well.
"I need to get rid of her, Normani, and you have to help me."
I hide behind the door and carefully take a peak and that's when I saw Shawn and Normani having a conversation in the garden.
"Why would I help you?"
Shawn stare to Normani as silence took over them. I can feel the tension rising between the two.
"Because we're in this together. If I go down, you'll sink too."
"You lied to me, Shawn! Our deal is to sent her away, and I fucking did my part. The only thing I'm asking for you in return is to keep the letter Lauren will give if there is any!"
"There's none!" Shawn whispered-yell to make sure Normani's the only one who's going to hear it.
"Are you fucking sure?!"
He took a loud frustrated sigh, "Okay! fine! There is a letter, so what?! Will it change things? Will that goddamn letter will make Camila feel better? No! I did what's best for your best friend and I think you should thank me for that."
"Thank you for that?! You didn't just lied to me but you lied to everyone especially to Camila, out of all goddamn people!"
"Wait a minute, why the hell are we fighting again? Cause the last time I checked, we're partners who always have each other's back."
Normani stayed silent. She's just looking at Shawn.
"Normani, I'm not your enemy here. What happened already happened. Look at Camila, look at her and tell me what I did didn't make her better, because goddamn it did. And now that Lauren's back all of our hard works will go on waste if we don't act now."
Is he really that threatened in my presence around Camila? He says he loves Camila but how can that be when he can't trust her? Love is nothing without trust.
"She's not even a threat."
"Yes, she is! If she told Camila about the letter—"
"She won't."
"Both of us will get ruin."
"Lauren left for a reason, and that reason is as strong as a chain that will bound her to her place far from Camila."
"We're not sure of that."
"Tell me honestly, Shawn. Who do you really fear the most? Lauren... or Camila?"
It took Shawn a moment to answer, "Camila."
"Camila is not stupid, you know? She won't let herself fall for that emotional trap again."
"Love makes people stupid."
"What do you want me to do then?"
A devious smirk immediately appeared on his lips, "I've got a brilliant idea."
"For Lauren?"
He shakes his head, "For Camila. I will propose to her."
My heart seemed to stop beating as his words registered in my head, "I will propose to her." And just like that, my mind started to overthink; is it really over for us? Will Camila say yes to him? Will she choose him over me? Can I take every single day seeing Camila with a ring on her finger and hear her called by many people as Mrs. Mendes?
A couple of footsteps approaching my direction sent an adrenaline rush that I quickly run towards the kitchen and pretend that I'm doing something so they won't be suspicious that I heard everything.
"Cook us something, bitch." Shawn said cockily. I scoff lowly at how asshole he is and decided to take the high road instead of riding the tide with him.
"There's still foods left from lunch." I look over my shoulder and pointed it using my eyes, "At the table."
"Isn't it clear enough for you that I don't want that awful foods anymore, idiot?"
I turn around to face him with a clenched jaw. He's giving me a cocky smirk knowing he's winning this conversation.
"Okay," I simply answered.
Shawn raised his right eyebrow. And I know very well that he's waiting for me to addressed him as "Sir".
"Asshole." I continued with a more devious smirk. His face immediately changes into crumpled mad face as he grab the collar of my shirt and pull me towards him harshly.
"What did you just say?!"
"Asshole." I repeated. And without any word, he spit straight to my face.
"Fuck you!" He said through a gritted teeth.
"Oh how I love fucking myself too."
"I know exactly why you're here. And I'm telling you to stay away from her!"
"And if I don't?" I challenged him.
He pulled me even more closer to him enough so he can whisper-yell in my face.
"Then I'm going to kill you!"
"And why would I take something that belongs to me?" I asked cockily and he's face are turning incredibly red. He's fuming mad right now, "Still belongs to me, and always will be?"
"Still belongs to you?! You fucking drop her like she's nothing, you piece of shit! You left! You cheated! You lied! Who the hell do you think you are to say that now?!"
"The original. And you know what you are? A fucking filler, Mendes. A left over picker. That's what you are."
And in a split second my jaw meets his fist that sent me down on the floor. I laugh at him while tasting my own blood on my mouth.
"What's so fucking funny?!"
"You, you insecure bitch."
He laugh sarcastically, "Insecure to whom? To you? Bitch, please! Who are you compared to me? Look at you, you're still the same trash I knew back then. You're nothing. A nobody. And you know what I am? I am everything you wished and hoped to be but no matter what you do, you will never get to be me. Hence, you will never be more better than me!"
I'm just looking at him not bothering myself to say anything to him. It hurts to get slapped in the face with the truth and I won't show him that cause that's only a provocation that he wins this war of words and I won't let him win and feel that he had a power over me.
He gave me a smug smirk, "Oh! You're hurt with the truth, isn't it? I'm so fucking sorry. I'm not aware that you're still not ready to accept what your fucked up miserable life is heading to."
I gave him a small laugh, "I'm just curious... why are you so dead scared? Aren't you the boyfriend for two years? Oh! I know now. Boyfriend is hiding his dirty little secret from his girlfriend."
He scoff mockingly, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."
"You called me liar, called me bunch of awful names just to reflect the mistakes I did 5 years ago. But did it ever occurred to you that everything you said bounced back to you?"
"I didn't do anything that will harm Camila. If there's anyone who did, it's you!"
"You think I don't know what you did, but I do. The letter that I left at her bed side the day before I left... I know Camila never had the chance to read it. And you took that chance away from her!"
"Who cares about your stupid letter?! You left. You cheated. And that doesn't change the fact that you're a selfish bitch!"
"I left for good. I make a sacrifice so Camila can get to where she is now— a better place. Something she deserved very well to have. And if there's anyone who's selfish in here then that's you, dickhead!"
Shawn chuckled bitterly, "I love Camila with all of my heart and I've been and always will stay true to her. What about you, jerk?"
"You've been and always stay true to her? Jesus fucking christ, Mendes! Don't make me laugh!"
"I know cheaters like you can't understand things like that."
I sarcastically laugh, "You're right. I will never understand how you've been calling yourself a man yet you don't have the balls to tell her the truth. I will never get to understand how you can looked into her eyes every single day that you've been together making her believe with all the bullshit that comes out from your mouth. I will never get to understand how you can bare to see her, hear her in pain, all caused by your lies just for your own sake, so that she can learn to love you. And with all honesty, I feel incredibly sorry for you at how pathetic you are."
Shawn's face becomes incredibly red. He's clenching his jaw so tight that he could break his teeth anytime.
"I'm not the only one who's dirty here, Mendes. Stop looking at yourself like you're some kind of holy man. Like a hero that saved everyone's day. Because truth to be told, you're just a fake saint. A fucking fraud."
"Then go ahead! Tell her what's in that letter. Tell her everything." Shawn challenged me, "You had every chance to tell her about it but you didn't say anything. You know why? It's because you're scared. You're too afraid to know that she will choose me over you and you know that every well. Face it, Lauren. You're long gone in her life. She doesn't need you anymore. She doesn't love you anymore."
I laugh, "Same old Mendes. And don't please yourself too much, pal, cause the only thing that stops me from taking Camila away from you is your son. If it weren't for Clark, I won't hesitate to take what's originally mine."
"Don't you dare involve my son in this conversation! Don't used him as an excuse!"
"You sounded like your challenging me."
"Because I do."
***
Ally dropped her pizza, "Really?!"
I nod my head in response.
"Wait! How did you know?! Did Mila told you that herself?!"
"No. I actually overheard Normani and Shawn's conversation. That's his plan. Caging Camila aka marrying her to assure that she'll stay with him and never leave."
I felt Ally's hand over my shoulder. Her face soften and suddenly filled with worriedness and concern.
"It's okay. You're gonna be okay."
"Will I?"
Ally nod her head, "Of course. You've been stuck on this page for too long, Laur. And maybe this is god's way of telling you that it's time to flip the next page and start writing a new chapter for your story."
"It hurts whenever I think about it. His words kept echoing in my head even though I'm pleading my brain to stop remembering every single words of his sentence. I've already seen this coming, Ally. And I thought I'll be fine with it, I thought it'll hurt less... but I'm wrong. The pain is greater than I thought. I don't know why I'm still surprise. I mean, they had a child together for god's sake. Where else will it lead them aside from marrying each other on the church?"
"It's because you love her, Lauren. And you want Mila to marry you instead of Shawn."
I fell silent for a moment, "I know it will never happen. I've already accepted it."
"And as long as that want stays in your veins, your suffering won't end."
"I get your point, Ally." I stand up from my seat right after the clock strikes 3, "I'll go ahead now. I need to attend a meeting with Camila... and Shawn."
Ally chuckled, "Good luck to you."
"Yeah, good luck to me." I mumbled to myself as I started to walk away.
***
"Hi! Sorry, I'm..." I burst into the door but stop in the mid of my sentence as everyone's eyes landed on me. Camila's there. Shawn's there. Charli XCX is there. Their managers are there as well, and they were all looking at me. I felt the redness crawls on my face because of embarrassment.
"late." I continued with an awkward smile.
"You're my girlfriend's PA and yet—"
"Shawn, stop." Camila cut her off and then return her brown orbs to me, "Did you deliver the documents to Ally?"
She raised both of her eyebrows lowly motioning me to follow the tide she makes so I just nod my head in agreement.
"Y-yes, miss. She said she'll give it to you tomorrow morning."
"Good." Camila replied with authoritative voice.
I cleared my throat and close the door as their discussion continues.
"As I'm saying..."
I look around the room and I spotted a vacant chair at the corner of the room near the seat of Charli. I walk towards it so I can take a seat when Camila suddenly called my name.
"... I wrote this song and I think—"
"Lauren."
I stop from walking and look at Camila.
"Seat beside me. I need my assistant with me."
My eyes turns to Shawn and his clenching his jaw.
"Camila, let her be." I read his lips since he whispered to Camila while staring straight ahead so no one can notice the tension rising between the three of us.
Camila whispered back something and Shawn clenched his jaw even more.
"Lauren." Camila called my name once again while patting the now empty seat on her left.
Everyone's eyes are on me once again as Roger Gold take the seat I'm suppose to take. I nod my head lowly and walk towards Camila.
"And I think you guys voice are perfect for it." Charli continued her interrupted sentence.
"Where have you been?" Camila whispered.
"Ally." I simply answered and Camila just nod her head.
"What song is that?" Shawn asked.
"Señorita."
"We'll do it." Roger Gold immediately answered, "A lot of Shawmila fans are asking for collab. And I can guarantee that Señorita will become a major hit. Both parties will gain greater benefits from it so I say let's do it."
"I agree with Roger." Shawn's manager second handed.
"Cami? Shawn? What do you say?" Charli asked them.
"I mean, why not give our fans what they want? Plus it'll give us more time together."
"Camila?"
We all look at her since Camila's the only one not saying anything about the presented project.
"What's the theme of the song?"
"Steamy. Romantic."
"No."
We all caught up by surprise because of her answer.
"No?" Roger asked again, "Camila—"
"That's what I said."
"Baby, this is a good project. Charli already sent me the demo of the song. It's good."
"It's a good song, Camila. Plus you're saying no to a great opportunity. This song will bring you a lot of fame, success, awards—"
"I don't care any of that, Roger! I only care about one thing!" Camila stands up from her seat, "I'm sorry." And with that, Camila left the room.
"She don't know what she's doing." Shawn's manager hissed. "We cannot let Camila turn down this golden offer. Shawn will release his album soon and the publicity that we'll gain in this project have a huge impact on that."
"So...?" Charli asked, unsure whether they'll take the song or not.
"I'll talk to her." Shawn assured, "Please don't worry."
"Excuse me." I stand up from my seat and follow Camila outside. I don't know why I suddenly felt this adrenaline rush to follow her. I just know that I needed to. There must be something that triggered her outburst a while ago.
"Camila! Wait!" I grab her arm before she could step inside the elevator door.
"What?"
"Take the project."
"And why would I?"
"Because they were right. This song can open a new doors of great opportunities and you cannot just let it all passed."
"Yes, I can. For you."
I knitted my eyebrows, "For me?"
"I don't want to see you get hurt because of it. If I accepted this project I know they will just push me to make out with him every waking minute of the day. It'll become even more harder for me to see the pain in your eyes because of it, and I don't want that. Your happiness is my top priority, Lauren."
"Sometimes we need to make hard choices."
"Choosing not to hurt you is not a hard choice."
"You don't have to worry about me, Camila. We're no longer together. If there's anyone you should feel worried about and put someone else's happiness as your top priority then it's your boyfriend, not me."
"You want me to choose you but when I did your pushing me away."
"Forget about me, Camila. Forget everything about us."
Hurt flashes upon her eyes and my heart breaks yet again.
"I wish it was so easy to do." Her voice breaks, "I'm sorry that I can't stop myself from loving you. I hope you forgive me for that."
I stayed silent and just looking at her.
"Camila!"
I immediately distance myself as soon as Shawn's voice echoed on the hallway followed by a couple of footsteps.
Shawn cupped Camila's shoulder, "Is everything okay?"
Camila just nod her head and smile timidly.
"Why did you reject Charli's offer?"
"I... I just don't want to feel sexualized by other people, you know?"
I look at her and I can tell that she's telling the truth. Maybe this is also part of her reason why she don't want to do it and now I feel like a total jerk for pushing her a while ago. I shouldn't make everything Camila does all about me. This feelings are clouding my brain. I should start thinking outside the box more often.
"I understand. But baby you have to trust me. I won't let any of these filthy men to do any harm to you. Please, think about Charli's offer. This is a huge opportunity for us, something we cannot just simply let go of."
"I'll do it. I trust you."
A huge smile appeared on Shawn's lips before he leaned in and kiss her, "Thank you, baby. I love you."
Camila pulled him in for a hug. Her brown eyes darted straight to mine as she says those words, "I love you too."