You drew memories in my mind I could never erase. You painted colors in my heart I could never replace.
- perry poetry
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Chapter 43
Lauren's POV
"Have you ever wrote a song for someone before?" Fin suddenly asked out of nowhere.
Without stopping myself from sketching, I answer her. "I did."
I can see in the corner of my eyes the lit on her face because of my response, "Ah! I knew it! You have that song writer spirit in you!"
I lift up my gaze to meet hers, "The song was horrible though. Besides, I wrote it because..."
My gaze accidentally meet Camila's. Her brown orbs are piercing straight to my eyes going down to my lips. She was staring hard.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I was bored." I lied. I wrote it for her because I miss her. I miss her so damn much and writing down my feelings is the best choice to let it all out so it won't consume me. That, that is the truth.
Fin's about to open her mouth to say something but I beat her up to it, "And please, don't make me sing it because I forgot the lyrics." Another lie.
"Damn you, Jauregui!" We both laugh when I suddenly felt my phone vibrates from my pocket.
Thinking it was a text from Ally, I immediately pulled out my phone to read it. But then my heartbeat quicken upon the name appearing in the screen of my phone— Camila.
The most ugly virgin I've ever met:
I can't concentrate when you're here. What are you doing to me?
sent: 10:17 am
I lift up my gaze to look at Camila and she's looking back at me. I didn't smile nor give her anything in return and just go back to what I'm doing.
As everyone do their job, I heard Camila's talking to someone on the phone and I can easily tell that it's Shawn the way she speak and smile. And in the midst of their conversation Camila let out a fist of laughter. I scrunched my eyebrows at the stinging pain I've suddenly felt in my chest upon hearing her laughter. I thought I've already used to it, but still, the thought of someone making her laugh still hurts me. The thought can still bring jealousy to me. I guess I will never be okay with it but I have to be.
"I should get back to work. Just so you know, you're disturbing me." Camila chuckled.
I fight back the urge to look at her but it seems like my eyes has it's own mind because they lift up on their own and connects with Camila's brown orbs who's also looking back at me.
"I love you." She said without disconnecting her gaze to me, "I love you so much, I hope you know it." The brunette repeated. A small smile appeared on her lips. I look away.
I can feel my heart beating thunderously. There's something in a way she says it. It's as if she's not telling it to Shawn but she's rather telling it to me indirectly. Or maybe I'm reading beyond the lines again. But what if I'm right? What if she's still In love with me? What about Shawn? What about Clark? I can't let them suffer for the sake of my happiness. I can't let the kid suffer the lost of his family all because of me. I don't think I can handle all that guilt.
"Lauren," I felt a hand over my shoulder that snap me out from my thoughts, "You okay?" It's Dutch.
I nod my head, "Yeah, I am."
"You..." He stares deeply in my eyes as if he's trying to read what's on my mind, "don't look like you're okay. Is there something wrong?"
"I'm totally—"
"Dutch," Camila's voice suddenly echoed. He remove his hand from my shoulder and face Camila properly.
"Boss."
"Have you done what I've told you to do?" She asked coldly yet I can feel the annoyance in her voice.
"Still working on it."
Camila raised her right eyebrow, "Then you shouldn't be here flirting with Lauren. Leave her alone. A guy like you is not suitable for a girl like her."
I don't like how Camila sounded and the fact that she probably offended Dutch. So as soon as he walks out to go back to his working place with Moe, I grab Camila's arm and drag her somewhere in the corner where we can talk privately.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Stop being a mean bitch to him."
"Then you better stop looking at him the way I want you to look at me."
My mouth unconsciously drop.
"Can't you understand, Lauren? I don't want him around you! I don't want him to make you smile and laugh because of his stupid jokes! I don't want you to fall In love with him! Is that hard to understand? Does the word 'I want you' hard to understand?"
"You have a boyfriend, Camila! And for fucking sake you're cheating on him!"
"I will leave him for you!"
"Do you hear yourself?! What about your son? Do you ever think what he'll feel if he finds out you're leaving his father?"
"Clark is n—" Camila suddenly fell silent, "We'll work this out. Just tell me you want to be with me and I promise you we'll work this out."
"We have nothing to work out, Miss Cabello."
I turn my back on Camila and about to leave when she suddenly speak.
"I want you back. I want us back."
This is what I want, hearing her say these four words to me. But I couldn't feel the happiness in my chest. Even a single drop, nothing. All I feel is guilt of what I could have been ruin. Everything lies in a word that's about to leave my mouth.
"We're done, Camila. We're over long gone. There's nothing to go back to."
Though it hurts me to say it to her, I know this is the right thing to do. I'm not that selfish egoistic person anymore. The competition between Shawn and I, it's already over. He won and I've already accepted that.
"Yes, there is! I know you feel the same way and that's why you kissed me back the other day."
"That means nothing."
"It means everything to me, because..." My heart started to beat loud and fast inside my chest, "because I love you."
I fell completely silent as I clenched my fist tightly. I love you too but we can never be together.
"You don't have to say anything. I just thought you should know."
I heard footsteps approaching me. And before I even know it, Camila's already in front of me. "I'm willing to wait until you're ready." She spoke softly before she leaned in and press her lips against mine.
I stood where I am like a statue. I didn't kiss her back nor able to respond to her statement. I was just standing there watching her as she walked away from me. And it's scary to think that in one kiss she can take my power and strength away. Nothing dances faster than my heart for her, but I know I should do the right thing.
***
Two weeks had gone passed. And ever since that day, Camila became even more straight forward to her agenda; winning me back. And despite of how many times I've pushed her away she always kept coming back and showing no sign of giving up. She just kept pursuing me relentlessly.
As for me, the day goes on more faster than the usual and now it's already Christmas day. The house was completely turned into a huge Christmas village kind of thing. Lots of christmas lights and decor are attached to every single corner of the walls and the huge white christmas tree is placed in the living room beside the chimney. It was beautiful. You can literally feel the christmas spirit around this house. It was warm cozy feeling knowing I'll get to spend my christmas with them. Though I'm a bit sad since Ally's not here, at least for the very first time I'll spend my christmas with a family that was so welcoming to me.
Alfred cooked our delicious holiday dinner and most of it was his special recipe. I'd really like to say that I tasted every single one of it but sadly I didn't cause while everyone was eating we are working; me and Camila. She was busy with her phone while telling me things I need to do. Alfred and Clark tried to call us so we can have a complete christmas dinner all together but Camila refused firmly saying we need to finish a "very urgent and very important" errand. Whatever it is, I don't know. I just hope there's really an important matter to finish and not just some stunt that she used to pull on me before.
After Christmas dinner Camila distributes her present to each and everyone. And since I'm very special, I was left out yet again. Clark, Alfred, and Vero excitedly open their gifts while I'm just sitting on the couch watching them. Clark is the first one to tear off the gift wrapper with a huge smile on his face. But as soon as the huge Optimus Prime figured appeared on sight, his filled with hype smile disappeared and pout quickly replaced on his face.
He looks at Camila, "Mommy, I didn't want this for Christmas."
Camila pouted as well, "I don't want you either but here you are."
We all giggled when Clark put his little hand over his mouth and looked at Camila with a wide eyed.
"MOMMY!!!!"
I can't help myself not to smile when Camila burst into laughter. Watching her being so happy while hugging her son like he's the greatest blessing that ever happened to her life is something that makes my heart feels warm and something else. Something good that I cannot comprehend.
"Mommy's just messing with you. You know how much I love you, right?"
"You're always like this, Miss!"
"It's my way to show how much I love you, Mister."
"It's not love, it's bullying."
"Well, I say both."
Clark pouted and Camila laugh once again before she kiss her son's pout away, "Merry Christmas, tiger."
"Merry Christmas, mommy! This is the fifth time we spent Christmas together."
Camila nod her head before she lift up her gaze to look at me, "And our first Christmas with Lauren."
Clark immediately look at me after Camila mentioned my name. He's mirroring the expression of his mom as they both stare at me; happiness. An overwhelming happiness.
"I'm so happy that you're here, Lawren."
I smiled sweetly at him, "Me too."
"Lauren," Camila called out. Though her voice sounds authoritative, her facial expression is as soft as a muffin. "I forgot your present in my room. Mind if you come with me? I would like to give it to you personally."
I wasn't able to respond right away. A lot of possible scenarios immediately played in my head the moment I say yes to her offer.
"Lauren?" Camila called out again, snapping me out from my thoughts. And that's when I realized that everyone is looking at me waiting for my answer.
Absentmindedly caused by awkwardness and overthinking, I nod my head. And before I could even take back my answer, Camila already grab my hand and drag me upstairs towards her room.
My heart is beating thunderously inside my chest. I keep on swallowing but my throat remains dry. I'm nervous. I'm really, really nervous.
Camila suddenly stop walking as soon as we're few inches away from her room. She turn around to face me, "Close your eyes."
I nod my head and obliged what she told me. I felt her hands holding mine as she guide me inside her room.
"Don't open your eyes until I told you so."
"Yes, ma'am."
I heard her soft chuckle as the door closes and Camila let go of my hands as the defying silence took over.
"You can open it now."
I did what was told to me and my jaw quickly dropped at the scene right in front of me; a romantic candle light dinner for two with red petals scattered all around the floor. And now it all makes sense why Camila don't want me to join the others for dinner. This is the reason why.
"I know you're really starving and trust me, I am too. It's just that I want to spend my christmas dinner with you, alone. I hope you like it."
I look at Camila with a small smile curved on my lips, "I like it. Thank you, Camila."
The brunette smiled widely, "Merry Christmas, Lauren."
We walk towards the table. I'm about to lay my hand to pull the chair but Camila immediately stop me.
"Let me." She pulled the chair for me and I can't help not to smile at her gesture, "The only thing you're allowed to do for tonight is to smile and stay with me. And I promise that I'll do everything I can to make this night special for us. To make you happy."
I open my mouth to say something but then close it as guilt starting to fill within me. Camila seem to sense it because I felt her hand holding mine giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Just for tonight, let's forget about everything. Let's not think about Shawn or any other people. This night is ours, Lauren. There's nothing to be afraid of because I am yours."
I intertwined our hands together and nod my head, "Just this night."
Camila and I eat our dinner while having a casual conversation. She told me that she cooked everything herself and I tease her for being a horrible chef just like how horrible she is in driving. The foods taste delicious but seeing her laughing and acting upset because of it is too adorable to see. Our conversation shift from cooking to music to music to poetry.
"So what's the best poem you've ever heard? Any favorites?"
"Like my most favorite one?"
I nod my head eagerly. I've never been more excited in a conversation before. I guess I'm always an endless curious person and thirsty sucker when it comes to her.
"It may not like a Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe's poem but it'll always be the best poem I'll ever know."
"What poem is that?"
Camila cleared her throat, "So there's this girl,
not just any girl,
The only girl for me,
She tears when I cry,
She stands by my side,
So yeah there's this girl,
she's the only girl,
she makes me smile day by day,
She makes me joyful, when I'm put to shame,
I see the glitter in her eye,
I want to kiss her until I cry,
She makes my emotions set me deep,
my hands would drag over my feet,
When I am without her,
the sun doesn't shine as brightly.
When I am without her,
the clouds are dark and foreboding.
When I am without her,
the birds don't sing as sweetly.
When I am without her,
the walls close in on me.
When I am without her,
in the depths of my hell, whispering her name sustains me.
But when I am with her,
she lifts me up.
When I am with her,
I have the strength to move mountains.
When I am with her,
I can withstand anything.
When I am with her,
her smile warms my very soul.
When I am with her,
the angels sing her name.
When I am with her,
I fall in love all over again.
So yeah there's this girl," Camila smiled, tears blurring her vision.
I wipe away her tears softly before it could stain her cheeks, "And her name is Camila,
And she will always be, the only girl." I continued as I fight back the tears from falling down as well.
That's the poem I wrote for her the day before our last fight. The last day that we're together. The emotion surge up inside me at the sudden memory.
"You still know it?" My voice cracked and my heart can't seem to breathe as I look straight in her eyes.
Camila nod her head, "Every memory of us, I'm holding it tightly in my heart because I know we won't be making anymore."
"Just this night" I repeated in my head as I held her face in my hands and caress her cheeks softly with my thumb. Camila closed her eyes for a moment as she rest her face completely in my hand. I stare at her lovingly with a small smile curved on my lips.
"I miss how happy I was with you."
Camila opened her eyes. A gentle smile curved on her lips as soon as our gaze met, "I think perhaps I will always hold a candle for you— even until it burns my hand. And when the light has long gone since... I will be there in the darkness holding what remains, simply because I cannot let go."
Camila rest her forehead against mine and softly whispered on my lips, "I'll never finish falling In love with you."
I parted my lips and close my eyes waiting for that final kiss. I can feel her warm breath hitches my skin. My heart is beating incredibly fast inside my chest. I'm nervous. And then it happened. Camila kissed me. Her lips is pressed against mine, slow and softly. It's as if she's testing some waters. I held her firmly and kiss her back with so much want and need. Camila return the same energy and deepen the kiss. And as our lips dance in sync, Camila settled on my lap. We were kissing each other passionately as if the air caught up on our lips and we can't breathe. Her hands go down and settled on my thighs. She squeezed it hard, making me moan in between our kiss. I can feel her smirking. She enter her tongue to my mouth and I didn't bother myself to fought back. As her kiss intoxicates me, I completely forgot about everything. My guilt and my worries washed away that all I can think off is to feel her under my body. I'm willing to give up everything just to live in this moment. I'm surrendering myself completely to her. Camila disconnected our kiss and trail down her kisses to my jawline down to my neck, leaving wet kisses on it. Sucking. Nibbling. Nipping.
"C-Camila." I stuttered breathless as she continue to do her job on my neck while my hands are gripping on her waist tightly. I let out an audible moan when she sucked my pulse point hard.
Camila pulled away enough for us to met each other's eyes. Her brown orbs are filled with lust.
"Make love with me, please. I need you." She pleaded with her eyes full of lust and love.
I nod my head, " I need you too."
Camila smile and take off her shirt and bra and toss it somewhere who knows. I'm about to take off mine too but Camila stop me from doing so.
"Let me."
I let go of my shirt and hold her instead. Camila lift up my shirt and toss it somewhere.
"You're so beautiful." She tucked a few strands of my hair behind my ear, "Very beautiful."
I pulled her closer to me until our bodies touches, "Thank you."
"For what?"
I pulled away so I can look in her eyes, "For giving me a reason to live."
I brush up her hair before I leaned in to kiss her lips. We were kissing each other for a moment until air becomes an issue.
"I love you. I love you so much." She whispered in between kisses.
I smiled and kiss her passionately, hoping she would taste every unspoken words I didn't say to her.
But then our moment was interrupted with a knock on the door and a familiar voice.
"Camila, I'm home."