Chapter 22 - Mare's Song
Mare did a fantastic work with the video. I mean, it’s not professional or anything, but I love it. It’s so artistic and the fact that it’s in black and white makes me like it even more. I like the close ups to my hands playing the piano and Mare looks beautiful. There’s something so charming about her. It’s like it doesn’t matter what she’s singing or how she’s singing, it’s a fascinating sight nonetheless. I mean, you could put mute to the video and you still wouldn’t be able to take your eyes off of her. I don’t think she needs my voice to shine on stage, she just needs it to get the attention of the right people.
I saw her in the video and I could tell she was born to be a star and I felt envious. I have to admit it, because she looked so comfortable on the screen, like there wasn’t any other place for her but there. I could never be like that. In fact, there’s one take in which I appear playing the piano and the difference is so big that I can’t believe it’s possible. You can tell that all I want to do is to run away, that I don’t belong in front of the camera. That’s not my place.
If I didn’t know already seeing me on that video would’ve been all the proof I needed to convince myself that I can’t stand on stage, that my place is behind the spotlight, where I can be comfortable, where I can be myself. I’m not made to enchant people like Mare does, but my music might do the job. I don’t have to show my face. Other artists can use my music and that’s more than enough for me. If not Mare, maybe other people. I’d love that. I mean, it’s not my childhood dream, but not all dreams come true and we have to do the best we can do with what we have.
Being a songwriter is the best outcome for me.
Although the video is lovely and Mare does an excellent job, not many people notice it. I knew it would happen, I mean, the Internet is not a magical land where everyone gets noticed. There are so many talented people out there, it’s hard to get attention when so many others want the same spotlight.
I am disappointed. I had thought that with that magnetic effect Mare has everyone was going to love the video, but we barely have fifty views and one like.
Thank you whoever liked our video.
“Well, I guess this was gonna happen,” Mare says one night after we check again how the video is doing. “It would’ve been too perfect if we got noticed with just a video.”
I know she’s sad and disappointed but she still smiles and keeps her head high. I wonder how she does that. I know this is important to her, maybe too important. How does she not lose her smile? I mean, I know that she’s my chance to become a songwriter and if this doesn’t work I won’t even have that, and I had embraced the idea. It’s hard for me to smile since we posted the video, but she keeps the good attitude. How is that possible? I mean, she’s wanted and fought for this all her life, I just started now and I’m heartbroken.
“Maybe we have to keep waiting,” I offer but I can’t make it sound like I actually believe it.
Mare smiles sadly at me, knowing what I really feel. “Ariel, it’s not the end. We’ll make it, we’re a team, right? And look where we are! We just need the right person to see this. Don’t lose hope.”
I smile at her and hug her because she’s so strong, because she has so much hope and strength. She deserves her dream, she deserves more people knowing the amazing person she is.
On another note, I’ve spent a bit of time with Harry lately. Normally by the lake, he shows up before noon and we stay on the dock, talking. I’m glad to report that it’s becoming easier to talk to him. I mean, I’m still nervous all the time but I’ve noticed it’s only with Harry. I’ve met Niall twice and I don’t get that nervous. Carl is a piece of cake now, we have short and friendly conversations and it’s made easier the process of delivery. I’ve even talked to other people —and by talking I mean saying hello. I only get this nervous around Harry, but I still like spending time with him.
Harry is so nice and funny in this really dorky way. He likes making people laugh, or maybe making people happy. He’s always telling me funny anecdotes of his life, of his friends and his life as part of the biggest boy band. I kind of feel like I know Louis, Liam and Zayn although they aren’t even here in the centre. He’s also made me tell him about my life and although it’s not in the slightest interesting, he still looks invested and makes me more questions. We actually talk a lot even if I my heart is beating like crazy all the time, even if my guts twist and I feel all tingly inside.
Mare says I feel like that because I fancy him. I think she’s right. I mean, I do feel like the girls in movies and books: I think a lot about him. If I’m not thinking of my work with Mare, he’s normally what’s in my mind. I do feel sad if I don’t see him or when we say goodbye. And it does kind of break my heart knowing how impossible this is. If I were someone different, if I had a different personality it could be possible. I know Harry is not the type who would not like a girl because she’s not pretty or famous. He cares about what the girl has to offer, and I mean what she has inside. Harry could date a normal girl, but I’m not normal. I’m ordinary, but not normal. It’s hard for me to speak to him, I still can barely meet a stranger’s gaze, I still can’t freely talk to random people. I’m someone who’s so afraid of people without a good reason. How could he like someone like me? How could he like me?
Liking someone like Harry is easy. It’s so easy to fall for him, for his charming smiles, his silly jokes, his adorable laughter, his good heart, his kindness. How could someone like him like someone like me? He would like someone different, someone like… like Mare. She would actually look good next to him. She’s a good match for Harry.
Couples need to walk hand in hand, together. One can’t drag the other. I feel like Harry and Mare are peers, they would work perfectly together. Harry would have to drag me because I would always be behind, so behind and I could never catch up with him. It would never work.
And I guess Mare caught Harry’s eye. They’ve only met once but he asked me about her.
“So… that girl, Mare. You’re helping her with her music?” he asked me a couple of days ago.
“Uh… yeah,” I answered, confused that he would bring her up when we were talking about his old job before he auditioned for the X Factor. “She wants to be a singer.”
“That’s good,” he replied and then the conversation died, he stayed staring at the horizon and I wondering what was on his mind.
And even if I know Mare —or any other girl— is better for Harry, even if I rationally know I don’t have a chance as something else but a friend, it still hurts. I never felt like this before, I never felt this kind of pain in my chest and that weight on my shoulders. I’ve wanted other things and known I can’t have them, but still, Harry is different.
Heartbreak is different.
I know many girls feel like this around the world. Girls who cry and curse their lucks because they’ll never have Harry. I am lucky, though, because I’ve met him. I can call him my friend and that’s so much better than nothing. I should be grateful that I’m his friend instead of moping around because he would never fancy me. Plus, I’ve got to experience something I never felt before, so I’ve won in a different sense.
Still, with all this that’s been happening, with the video not being successful and with the realisation that I fancy Harry, I’ve lost my smile. It’s not exactly like I’m miserable now, but after being so happy for a while, after not being able to get rid of the smile… well, the change is evident.
“Ariel,” my father says when we’re having dinner. I look at him, an open expression so he can go on. “Are you all right? You look down lately. Is everything okay? Did something happen?”
I smile sadly because my father has noticed my change of mood. I’m not good at hiding my emotions, at pretending to feel like nothing is happening. I can’t wear a smile when I’m sad for things that are happening.
“I’m okay, Dad. It’s just that… things don’t go like we always want,” I tell him and instead of putting him at ease, he looks more concerned.
“Princess, what’s happening?” he asks and I take a deep breath.
“Nothing, Dad. It’s not serious, something we tried but it didn’t go as planned. That’s all.”
Father stays quiet for a while, watching me and thinking of what to say. I know he’s trying really hard. He has the same expression he always has when he wants to tell me something encouraging and important. Before it was my mum’s job to give the pep talk and she did with all my sisters, so when Dad had to take that role he learnt how difficult it was.
“Whatever it is, Princess, you need to remember that things happen for a reason. I know it’s hard to accept it and we wish it wouldn’t be like that, but better things come out later, even if we can’t fathom them at the beginning,” he says with a warm smile and reaching to grab my hand. “Maybe this is how it had to happen, maybe this door had to close so other could open. Just don’t let the disappointment keep you from seeing the new door that has opened for you.”
A new and different smile comes to my lips and I squeeze Dad’s hand, realising he’s right. “That’s true, Dad. Thank you,” I tell him and I even leave my chair to go and hug him, for telling me the words I needed to hear.
“There’s always another way, Ariel,” he reminds me and I nod, pulling back to smile at him with new found hope.
I really want to be a songwriter, even if I can’t perform my own songs. I want to do this and if Mare hasn’t given up yet although she’s been rejected many times, then I can’t give up now either. I have to keep trying and I shouldn’t be afraid because I have Mare. We’re a team and we can do this. We just need to keep trying, someone will hear you. We’ll get to that right person.
“Thank you, Dad,” I say one more time before I go back to my chair and we finish our dinner.
At night, after I leave my home and I go to the retreat centre I’m already coming up with some lyrics in my mind and I keep developing them, the music and the lyrics, as I clean the room and tune the instruments. I hum and change words to make it sound better and once I’m done, I can finally sit in front of the piano and play it, changing more things as I can finally hear it. I even borrow some sheets to write it down.
It’s not a love song, it’s not a song about feeling down; it’s a song to give you hope, a song that tells you that even if it didn’t work out, there’s still another way, there’s still a chance. It’s probably the most uplifting and catchiest song I’ve ever written and I can actually see Mare in my head, dancing and making the crowd jump up and down with her. I know she’s the only one who could make this song come to life. She has the energy, she has the charisma to make this song what I see in my mind. This song is for her. This song is a reflection of her, a positive person, someone who doesn’t give up, someone who keeps fighting because if one door closes, another opens and if there’s no other door, there’s a window and she’ll open it.
This is Mare’s song.
I keep working on it, realising that playing it on the guitar is so much better and by when I finally finish it, I’m laughing and I feel full of energy. This song was what I needed.
I hear clapping and only then I realise Mare’s been standing there, watching me and her smile is beautiful and wide. “That was amazing. I love the song!”
“It’s for you,” I say. “I wrote it for you.” She looks utterly surprised and touched and she runs to hug me.
“Thank you,” she says. “No one has ever done something so nice for me.”
“My pleasure,” I reply in all honesty. “Now, let’s practice it together because with this song you’ll get that deal.”
“We,” she corrects me with a smile.
“We’ll get that deal,” I agree.
-:-:-
Dedication to @MariahLynnOfficial. You are right to suspect something big is going to happen with Ariel. She's the key for the whole story. The solution and the problem.
Bel, xx
PS: you're so badass xD you commented on the note before. I'm reading all your comments and then I'll delete it. Rebels.
NU: Friday