Slowly, Liam's and my afternoon at the Cold Front becomes more and more of a distant memory. At first it's something I look back on in the short-term, like it happened just yesterday or only last week. Then prom comes. College decision day. The last day of classes. AP exams.
I cling to every moment I have, but that doesn't stop time from slipping away. I count down the weeks by Liam's Monday night parties. All too soon, the last one is over, and then there are only four days left until graduation.
It isn't right, that something that has become such an integral part of myself is coming to an end so soon. But there's nothing I can do about it. I spend the next few days practicing my valedictorian speech and spending every waking moment with my friends—and some sleeping ones, too.
Friday rolls around, and before I know it my grade is lining up in our graduation caps and gowns. There are too many of us, all a sea of navy and tassels and honor cords, and I squint to try and pick out my friends.
Allison stands in front of me, rocking back and forth on her wedges. She manages to make even her cap look good, accenting her curled blonde hair as she plays with her tassel against the tip of her fingers. After a few seconds, she turns around to face me and says, "Life is crazy. Just a few different choices and I'd be standing in a totally different part of line, graduating as a Cunningham."
"I'm glad you're here." It helps to have someone close nearby, especially at such an overwhelming time. My hands are moving without my permission, adjusting and readjusting and counting my honor cords. One two three four five six. Over and over.
"Are you nervous about your speech?" she asks.
"Of course I am. Aren't you?"
Neither Allison nor I have shared our speeches with the other. It made me feel uncomfortable to talk about it at all with her, since I beat her out by a breath for valedictorian, but she always brings up the topic with ease. Even as I watch her for any sign of disappointment, she grins and says, "Not nervous at all. I live for speaking in front of people. It's gonna be great."
She should be valedictorian. A few different choices, and the roles would be reversed. It's funny how much life can change after just one decision. If she hadn't found out about her adoption, if she hadn't gotten involved with Taylor—she probably wouldn't have ever lost her focus, and she'd be at the top of the class instead of me.
I want to go find my other friends, to hold them close and ask them if they're as nervous as me. A part of me wants to cry. It's the last time we'll be together, the last time we'll stand in the hallways at Aquino High. Maybe I'm overly sentimental, but it's a powerful moment.
Mr. Denham gathers us all together. He's talking, but I don't listen. Instead I let my eyes shift from side to side, looking around at my classmates. We've been through so much together. It's all ending today.
Our class president stands on a stool and yells at us, pumping us up. I jump and cheer just like everyone else, holding my cap with one hand so it stays in place. Then he hops down, and we clap, and just like that we're organizing back into our rows and beginning to walk.
Allison is right beside me, and she reaches out her hand to squeeze mine. I wouldn't want to walk out with anyone else.
Our graduation is held outside, in the giant lawn at the back of our school. It's sunny, but my cap provides me shade and I don't squint. I realize now that my hands aren't shaking anymore, either. I'm just grinning from ear to ear, still in disbelief that I actually made it intact.
The first part of graduation is a blur. We file up to the stage in organized rows, sitting down in harmony. Mr. Denham speaks, and then a few people offer words of advice. Allison stands and delivers her salutatorian address, her voice confident and projecting to the very back row of chairs. When she's finished, she walks back to her seat with a trademark flip of her blonde hair and sits gracefully beside me.
I squeeze her hand in congratulations, and she squeezes mine back. There it is again: the difference of just a few choices. If even one thing had gone different, my sister and I would never have made amends.
Then Mr. Denham starts handing out diplomas. It takes forever, and I sit on my hands as I watch everyone at the beginning of the alphabet file onto the front of the stage one by one. Liam is the first of my friends to receive his diploma, and he grins as he walks across stage, tipping his cap in salute to what I assume is his family in the crowd. Then he holds his diploma high above his head and lets out a wolf whistle. The audience laughs, and Mr. Denham's jaw tightens.
After that, everyone else is a blur. Celia's sky-high stilettos click across the stage as she crosses it, her demure smile as pasted on as ever. Cassidy has a hop in her step, and Brynn looks like she's about to cry. After a few more people, it's Taylor's turn, and he walks across the stage with no emotion. Nobody in the audience cheers for him.
That makes my chest twist a little bit, but he doesn't look like he cares at all. A firm handshake for Mr. Denham, a brief smile for the photographer. Then he's settling back in his seat, rubbing the front of his diploma absentmindedly with his fingers.
After Taylor, I have to wait until the letter O for a familiar face. Spencer strides across stage with long legs, his gown flapping behind him. His grin is wide and his handshake strong. In the back of the crowd, I hear his audience whooping it up. His sister screams at the top of her lungs, "That's my brother!" and everybody laughs.
A few more letters in the alphabet. P Q R. Then it's the letter S, and my row is standing. My heart pounds as I walk across my row, careful not to trip in my wedges.
One step at a time, I advance, as each person in front of me gets their diploma. Soon I'm almost at the front, and it's Allison's turn. I don't care what Mr. Denham will say—I clap for her along with my family as she receives her diploma.
And then it's my turn. I can hear Mr. Denham saying "Erika Reign Soto," and then I'm walking across the stage. Someone in the audience cheers, and my grin gets wider. All too soon, I'm on the other side, shaking Mr. Denham's hand as he congratulates me and passes me my diploma. I almost forget to pose for the photographer, and my legs shake as I climb the steps to go back to my seat.
I don't have long to wait after my turn, and by now my nerves have shifted to my upcoming valedictorian speech. The rest of the class gets their diplomas, and then we all turn our tassels and cheer.
"And now, Miss Soto will give the valedictorian address."
There are those words, which I've been dying to hear since my freshman year. I stand, setting my diploma on the chair behind me. Allison cheers quietly, almost a whisper, as I walk down the stairs with quivering legs. I hear my class muttering "good luck" and "you've got this" as I walk, and I appreciate their support more than anything.
Then I'm crossing in front of the first row of graduates, with the letter A. Liam leans forward and mumbles, "Kill 'em, Soto," so quietly that I almost don't hear him at all. My grin widens, and then I'm up at the podium. My deep breath magnifies a thousand times over in the microphone, so that everybody can hear it shake.
"Greetings friends, family, faculty, and fellow graduates."
There. I finished the first line.
"I am so honored to be granted the pleasure of delivering this speech."
My words are easier now, and they don't stumble so much. They're louder, more powerful. I pause to control my breathing and then press forward. "We are a talented, diverse, and privileged class—privileged because we have been given the gift of knowing each other."
I've fallen into a rhythm now, pausing when I need to and glancing up at the audience ever so often. Both hands press down the paper, fighting against a breeze that's lifting the corners.
Two pages into my speech, I'm fully relaxed and thoroughly enjoying every word I'm saying. I love how silently captive the audience is, how my words echo and bounce off every square foot of that lawn. I can say whatever I want, and people are listening. My words matter.
And then it's over, and I'm thanking my graduating class for the final time. The audience claps, and I'm beaming from ear to ear. I don't shake at all as I walk back to my seat.
Our class president counts down, and then we're all throwing our caps in the air, cheering and screaming. I lose track of where mine went but pick up the closest one instead, waving it in the air and jumping up and down. Allison leans over to hug me and I squeeze her, rocking her back and forth.
"Come on!" she says, tugging me towards the aisle. "Let's go find our friends."
We weave through celebrating graduates until we find Spencer, Liam, Cassidy, and Brynn already in a huddle at the center of the crowd. Nathan sneaks up behind Cassidy and lifts her in the air, spinning her around as she squeals. We're all so full of joy, and we've forgotten every trial or heartbreak that's gotten us here.
"Party at my place, seven o'clock," Liam is saying as loud as he can, slipping between us to advertise to other students. I hug each of my friends in turn, thanking them as they congratulate me on my speech.
The reality of everything still hasn't sunk in. In my hand I'm clutching my diploma, and if I open it it will have my name on it. I'm not in high school anymore, and I don't know how to feel about that. Tears threaten to spill out of the corners of my eyes as I look around, watching my class celebrate with each other. We've made it. Finally.
But making it comes with a cost. It means that all of this has already come to a close. And whether I like it or not, it's over, and there's no ever coming back.
A/N: That was the last bonus short, and the last update Paper Flowers will receive! Thank you all SO much for reading. Please be sure to check out The Back of Wednesday if you want to read more of my work :)