And in the end, you were
Just an empty madness that I heard inside my heart telling me that love is the most beautiful chaos.
- perry poetry
~
~
~
Chapter 37
Camila's POV
5 years later....
"We're back with Camila Cabello. So you were great with the AMA's, that Havana performance was absolutely... fire!" Jimmy gave me his remarks with nothing but amusement and proudness in his eyes.
The crowd cheered even more loudly than they did a while ago making my heart melt even more, "Aww, thank you. Thank you so much." I look at the audience and smiled genuinely at them with a small little hand wave before shifting my attention to Jimmy.
"Now let's talk about you and the boyfriend," A teasingly smile plastered on his face, making me smile as well.
"Me and the boyfriend." I giggled, "I actually miss him already." I look at the camera and pouted like a sad lost puppy, "If you're watching this Raul, I miss you."
The audience cooed while Jimmy crack a laugh.
"Wait, wait, wait. You call him Raul?"
"Yeah, Shawn Peter Raul Mendes. He really hates it when I call him 'Raul' so I keep calling him that to piss him off." I explained. Remembering Shawn's pissed face every time I call him that never fails to make me smile.
"Oh my god," He giggled, "You and Shawn are cute, cute, cute."
"Thanks." I smiled lovingly, "I know."
"Now, I think I played the part of getting y'all together because y'all were here two years ago."
My tongue clicked at the sudden memory that flash in my head, "Yes."
"Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. Well, I knew him. I met him back when I'm still in college, literally six years ago."
Jimmy pointed at the screen where our first ever performance together of the song Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran here in this show from two years ago playing.
"But here, are you In love there? Do you have a crush there? What's happening?"
"I for sure..." I suddenly forgot the next words I'm going to say when my eyes caught up with his breathtaking smile. I'm just staring at the monologue screen, taking every time I have. When realization hits me that I'm in the middle of my interview, I cleared my throat. "Sorry, I got distracted." I chuckled.
Jimmy along with the audience laugh, "I mean, we can't blame you."
"I for sure had a crush there. We were stupid, really. Cause back then we're not reading the same page, and so we thought that 'yeah, it's better for us to stay friends. Be friends. Whatever' but what we're doing and how we act towards each other is not normally what "friends" do, you know?"
"So you both liked each other but can't admit?"
"Yeah, something like that. But we were— I don't know, being babies about it. But, uhh, we're grown now and I definitely, definitely, definitely love this man."
"And this picture that shakes the internet world," A picture of our 'almost' kiss from last night's performance of Like To Be You, "Everyone was like waiting for you two to kiss but instead you hit him with your nose."
"I know," I giggled, "I always think— I thought about... I always kiss him because I kiss him."
"Right."
"But then when were on stage together and I knew everyone was like waiting for it, it makes me feel weird, you know what I mean? I'm like 'nope, not gonna share this scene with you guys' cause I hate PDA, like heavily and excessively PDA."
"Who wouldn't, right?"
"Right." I totally agreed with him.
"But Camila, the golden question here is... when will you release your first album? Cause like everyone is waiting for it."
"I mean... I don't know. I can't drop the exact date when cause I'm still working on it, but it's definitely on the way."
"Drop a little hint? Any possible theme for the album?"
"It's definitely about being In love." I chuckled, "Basically, I was completely single for four years and now being in a real relationship for two years now that is healthy and, you know? Not losing yourself while you're in a relationship with someone is something I'm longing to find, and now it's here. And there's no better way of saying all of my overwhelming feelings for him than to write him an album."
After the interview, I headed straight to the backstage where Roger, my great manager is waiting for me. He gave me a smile as soon as I nearly approaching him. Roger open the passenger door for me, "We're heading next to the TwentyNine Lions."
Finally! A studio!
I hurriedly hop inside the van and settle comfortably in my seat. I rest my head on the window while overlooking at Illinois's street and buildings.
I can't believe it. Until now I can't believe that I made it this far. It's been five years, five long years. Looking back, the Camila from five years ago was completely miserable and utterly broken. She was left with nothing. She doesn't even know what beating heart feels like cause every single day, the throbbing pain in her chest is what she feels. Too much pain. It's unbearable. It's indescribable. Love completely broke her into dust because the only air that she needs to breathe in to stay alive left her just like that. Left and never came back. Like she never mattered to her in the first place.
After giving birth to my son, I spent a year of my life drowning myself to alcohol in hopes to make indescribable pain I'm dealing go away. Because with all honesty, the drops of strong liquor is more easier to swallow than the fact that she weren't coming back. Call me selfish and irresponsible mother, I'll take that wholeheartedly cause that's what I am before. That's how that fucked up love turned me to be. I totally forgot about everything else. I only see my pain, only mine.
The fact that she left me without any explanation or anything at all completely destroyed me that I can no longer function anymore. It hurts like hell when you know that you need to let go of someone but you can't, because you're waiting for the impossible to happen— for her to come back in my arms.
I was at the very lowest and darkest point in my life at that time that I always isolating myself from everyone. I'd like to be alone and drown myself to the ocean of thoughts inside my head. I locked myself inside our old empty apartment. Crying and drinking. I don't sleep and I don't eat, causing me to lose tons and tons of weight. I'm still alive yet I'm already experiencing what hell feels like. I'm practically living in a world where me and the ghost of Lauren only exist. Depression fucked me up so good that I even tried to kill myself by swallowing the whole bottle of sleeping pills. On top of that, I became irresponsible mother. I neglected my son because I became selfish. I forgot that in this lifetime, it's no longer about me, but me and my son Clark. That instead of taking care of him, they're the ones taking care of me. It's a shame, really.
Luckily, my parents and my friends are there— Dinah, Ally, Normani, and Shawn. They helped me to cope up and get back on my feet in a baby steps kind of process, and even though it's so hard and frustrating most of the time, they remain patient with me. And for that I am so thankful to have them in my life.
Day by day, I'm trying to get back on my feet on my own. Healing and be okay after being left with absolutely nothing but a broken heart is no joke. It was so hard. It was so exhausting. She's right, forgetting her isn't that easy. She gave me that kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over with. She was the hardest lesson I ever had to learn.
And then I look at my son for the very first time. He looks exactly like her but with a brown eyes. My brown eyes. And I realized that if I can't do it for myself then I have to do it for him. In this lifetime, the only thing he had is me. And I swore to myself that day that he won't lose me too. I will never leave him the way his mom did.
And it took me two years to finally realized that it was really over. That maybe that's all we'll ever be— an incomplete sentence, a half-written story. Finished, without an ending. It took me two years to finally pick up my will to work on my dreams so I can achieve them. To be a better person and to be a better mother for Clark. It took me two years for me to realized that I'm just wasting my time for nothing. And that's when pain turns into anger. Hating every fiber of her being, hating her for using the sweetest words to get my heart and the most poisonous action to break it, hating her for abandoning me and our son. It all became my defense mechanism because hating her is much easier thing to do, it spare my chest from hurting terribly.
Shawn helped me with the exposure since he started off his singing career more ahead than me. We started doing covers and going out in public. His fans quickly showed me love and support which I'm super grateful. Hanging out in the studio became Shawn and I's bonding. At home, I'm a loving mother of a 5 year old handsome boy. At the studio, I'm a striving musician. Though it was hard to balance, I still made it. When I released IHQ, Havana, and OMG, I quickly rose to fame and became one of the most anticipated new artist of the year. When I released my music, I wasn't expecting anything big. Doing what I love to do and people listening and singing to the songs I wrote is something I'm beyond grateful for. But then one night, I woke up with my phone keeps blowing up with notification and messages. Havana became a hit. It reached number one in multiple countries: Australia, Brazil, Canada, France, Mexico, United Kingdom, and US. And that's the start of everything.
"Camila," Roger knocked against the window, snapping me out from my thoughts. "We're here."
I blink couple of times before I glance at the window. The van is already parked in front of the studio. We're already here.
Roger open the passenger door for me. As soon as I step out of the car, the paparazzi quickly swamp over me. The flash of their cameras flashes onto me as I make my way to the studio.
"Guess who's here?" I asked while smiling, but then it quickly vanished after I saw my team being so incredibly busy doing... literally nothing.
"Boss!" Fin flips over from the couch just by hearing my voice. She quickly gets back on her feet and run towards my direction, fetching all of my stuff. "How did the interview went?"
"Good." I walk over to the couch and pulled out the usual notebook that I used every time I'm writing and my MacBook.
"Boss," Moe walks over to my direction with a grin on his face, "When are we going back to LA?"
"Probably Monday." I look up to meet his gaze, "Why? Got yourself a date?"
"It's more like bro date, boss. Me and Dutch. He told me he had this huge crush on the pizza girl she saw at the Monet's Pizza." He wink at me, and I immediately get what he means.
Dutch is a good looking guy. Blonde and blue eyes. But the thing is, he's shy. He don't know how to court a girl or know how to start a conversation with that's why he don't have any girlfriend until now. While Moe, he's a cute guy. Brown hair and hazel eyes. A playboy and knows so many tricks to make any girl say yes.
"It's Mazzio's Pizza." Dutch corrected him from across the room, "And it's a must that we get her name as soon as our ass landed in LA."
"And you have to pay me half of your salary for getting her name." Moe.
"So you'll pay Moe $10,000 dollars just to get that pizza girl's name? What a scam! If Normani's only here, she'll surely kick your ass." Cecee.
"Dutch is paying for my irresistible charm, Cecee. A charm you don't have." Moe.
"Charm? Boy, please. I don't need that. I can fish out any guy I want without breaking off a sweat." Cecee.
Moe crack a loud laugh. I'm trying to focus on writing something but I ended up laughing with him as well.
"Look! Look, Cecee! Boss is laughing at you as well!" And then he crack another laugh, making the four of us to laugh as well.
"Keep me out from your argument, please. I'm working here." I created a playlist and named it 'sunflower'. I added all the songs I can listen that can help me write something.
"You've been roasted again Cecee, geez." Moe.
"Stay out of my sight, Moe. I'm so close of kicking your scam ass."
"You two are arguing again. I won't be surprise if you two end up being together." Fin.
"Hey, hey, hey." I look up to meet their gaze, "I think y'all are forgetting our number 1 golden rule; Album before chicks."
"Right. CC1 before flirting." Fin.
"Hmm, Dutch." Moe pointed at Dutch with a teasingly smile.
Dutch raised his eyebrows and pointed back at him, "Moe."
"Boss?" Fin walks up to me, "This one is a good song. Why don't we include it to the track list?" She handed me a piece of paper. Curiously, I open the paper and I saw the very first song I wrote for her.
I folded the paper and hand it back to Fin, "This song is the chapter of my life that's already closed. I don't see any more reason to include it on the album."
"So... this is not about Shawn?"
I shake my head no, "It's about the same person who inspired IHQ."
Fin is about to open her mouth to ask me more questions, and I know she's going to ask who considering the only thing they don't know about me is me being in a relationship with Lauren. I quickly changed the topic by standing up from my seat and walk over to Moe, listening to the beats that he comes up with.
Throughout the whole day, I've been in the studio. Time flies so fast whenever I'm here. So far, I've wrote 10 songs but none of them feels suitable for the album. I felt my phone vibrate from my pocket. I pulled it out and glance at the top, 8:12 pm.
Shit! I forgot that I need to make a phone call at home.
I ignore Roger's text message and proceed to dial the number at home when someone suddenly snatch my phone away from my hand.
"What the—?!" I look up and there he is, standing in front of me with a smile on his face.
"I miss you too, Karla."
I playfully rolled my eyes on him before I immediately get up on my seat. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kiss him passionately. I felt his hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me even more closer to him. I smiled against his lips before pulling away.
"What are you doing here? I thought you're on tour?"
Shawn chuckled, "Sounds like you don't want to see me here."
"No! No, of course not." I rest my hands on his chest so I can feel his heart. It's beating incredibly fast, and I love the way his heart beats like this whenever he's with me. "I'm happy that you're here with me."
He cupped my face with his eyes darted straight to my brown orbs, and I can easily tell that something is bothering him.
"Why, baby? What's the matter?" I asked worriedly, "Are you okay?"
Shawn nod his head. His thumb softly caressing my cheek, "It's just that... I'll be away from you and Clark for 9 months because of the tour."
"Don't think about it that much, okay? Just enjoy your tour and have some fun. Clark and I will face time you every day so you won't miss us that much. Me, especially." I smirk while bitting my lower lips.
Shawn shakes his head while smiling, "So full of yourself, Camila."
"And since your tour will start tomorrow," I slide my hand on his, "Let's make the most of our night tonight."
Shawn intertwined our fingers together. With a smirk on his face, he leaned in and whisper to my ear. "I just want to rip your clothes off right now."
I giggled and bite my lower lips while looking at his eyes that was slowly filling with lust.
"I need you to walk in front of me so I can see your ass." And I did what he told me. I lead the way without disconnecting our intertwined fingers as we headed outside the studio straight to the parking lot.
"I'd like to take you off somewhere."
"Off to where, Raul?"
Shawn playfully push me off with an awful face, "Stop!"
I giggled and place a quick peck on his lips.
"Don't ask where cause it's a surprise." He wink at me before opening the passenger door for me. I mumbled a soft 'thank you' and a smile. Shawn jogged towards the driver's seat and revive the engine of the car.
"Shawn Peter, your seatbelt." I reminded him. Shawn smiled and put his seatbelt on before we take off the road.
He put his hand over my thigh as I wrapped my arms around his bold arm, "You know if you weren't driving, I'd kiss you senseless." I tell him with all honesty.
He swerves to the side of the road and stops abruptly, "Not driving anymore."
"You do really like my kisses, huh?"
"It's my most favorite thing to feel, Camila. And it will always be."
I cupped his face and smile genuinely. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. My best friend, my rock, and my love. All in one person. And how I wish it's him that I loved right from the very start. Cause maybe if it's him that I loved and not Lauren, then maybe I wouldn't get hurt that deep. Maybe I wouldn't have to feel what destroyed, completely broken, and left with nothing feels like. Maybe I wouldn't have to pay all of the lifetime consequences and still feel the wounds in my soul. Lauren left a permanent wound in me, the one that cannot be cured or heal over the course of time.
"I love you," I told him sincerely, "and how I wish it's you that I loved more than anything and not her."
Shawn hold my hand, "If it's me and not her, Clark won't exist today."
And I didn't realize that I'm crying until I felt Shawn's thumb wiping it away.
"Do you still love her?"
"No." I shake my head, "No, I don't. All I feel inside of me is anger. A pure anger towards her. She left us, Shawn! She left just like that! I at least deserve to know the reason why! Is it because she gets tired of everything so she left? Is it because I told her that I don't want to see her anymore? Or— or is it because she finds out that I'm pregnant and responsibility scares her off so she bailed out?!" I can feel my chest being squeezed so tight just by thinking of all the possibilities as to why.
"The day you got hospitalised, we never saw Lauren. She suddenly disappeared in the thin air. Camila, she threw you away. Don't let her have that power over you. Don't. Be happy, you have a better life now. You have Clark."
I nod my head and smiled timidly, "Speaking of that kid." I pulled out my phone from my pocket and make a phone call at home.
It took 4 rings before someone picked up the line. "Hello, Ms. Cabello. How's the work going?" Alfred asked on the other line.
Alfred is my trustful right hand at home. I trust Clark with him since they got along pretty well. He's like a second grandfather to my son.
"Work is great, Alfred. I'm with Shawn, by the way. How's home? Is Clark still awake?"
"Pretty much. He's here in the living room playing with his toys. And home, well, it's still the same Ms. Cabello."
"How's his school?"
"His grades is excellent. However, Clark constantly gets into trouble."
"What kind of trouble does that 5 year old brat do?"
I heard him chuckle on the other line, "Well, it's a long list to tell, Ms. Cabello."
I rub the back of my neck as I mentally prepare myself to hear how my son is showing the early signs of being a pain in the ass.
Shawn seem to read my mind because his giggling in his seat. I look at him and Shawn mouthed, "Put the speaker on." So I did so he can hear what Alfred has to say.
"Do tell, Alfred."
"Pissing his classmates off during classes. Playing with his classmate's foods during their lunch break. Pulling the chair back down whenever he sees one of his classmate is about to take a seat. Pulling the hair of the little girl sitting right in front of him. Constantly interrupting Ms. Brooke's discussion just to asked very irrelevant questions like 'how is 1+1 became 2 when it's supposed to be 11'."
Shawn giggled, "Oh my god, and he's only five. I can't imagine the trouble this little kid will do once he's in high school."
I shake my head. No doubt, he's really from Lauren. That's her doings. That's exactly how I knew her— being a troublemaker. And I'm thankful that Ally is his teacher cause knowing my ball of sunshine loves Clark and she had a long patience when it comes to him.
"My son is such a pain in the ass." The only thing I manage to say, "And the babysitter? Does it last longer or...?"
"The babysitter lasted only an hour, Ms. Cabello."
"And what did he do this time?"
"Scared her off, Ms. Cabello. He nearly gives the babysitter a heart attack."
And Shawn burst into laughter in his seat.
"Thanks Alfred. Can I speak with him, please?"
"Sure thing, Ms. Cabello. Hold on a sec." I heard Alfred calling him followed by a running sound before the phone got picked up again.
"Mommy, mommy, are you going home now? I miss you so much already mommy."
"I miss you too, tiger. Mommy's coming home this Monday."
I heard him jumping up and down, "Yehey!!! I can't wait to see you mommy."
"Me too, tiger. Me too. And Clark, didn't mommy told you to behave in school?"
"Yes mommy, you did."
"Then what's Alfred telling me? You're pissing your classmates off and you're pulling your girl classmate's hair."
"I'm just showing how much I love them, mommy."
"That's not the right way of showing love, tiger. If you see someone sad then cheer them up. Give them a hug and tell them you love them. If you see someone struggling over something, help them. If someone did something good to you, never forget to say thank you. If you hurt someone, say sorry. That's how you show that you love them, tiger."
"I'm sorry, mommy. I love you."
"I love you too, tiger. And apology is not yet accepted because we're back again at this conversation. Your babysitter."
"I don't want a babysitter, mommy. I'm not a baby anymore."
"You're still a 5 year old little boy, tiger."
"Nooo!"
I chuckled, "What do you mean 'Nooo!'? Besides, your birdie is still wrapped in its nest so technically you're still a baby who needs a babysitter."
"Mommy!" Clark huff on the other line, making us laugh. "Why do you always think about my birdie?"
"I'm not always thinking about your birdie! I'm just pointing out that you're still a little boy. But seriously, tiger. You need a babysitter. Mommy is always not around as well as Shawn. No one will look after you."
"Afred is here."
"He's always busy. Will you promise me something, Tiger?"
"What is it mommy?"
"You will be nice to your next babysitter, okay?"
"Okay mommy. For you."
"Thank you, Tiger."
"Mommy, is Yawn with you?" Clark is having a hard time pronouncing Shawn's name correctly so he calls him Yawn.
"He's with me." I hand over the phone to Shawn. Smile quickly shoot across on my boyfriend's face as he took the phone from my hand.
"Heeey, champ. Why are you looking for me?"
"To say take care of mommy for me. And I miss you, Yawn."
Shawn and I look at each other.
"Of course, champ. I'll take good care of your mommy. I'll take good care of you two. And I miss you more, my little boy." Shawn answered with his eyes never left on me.
These two boys that I have in my life never failed to melt my heart.
"Mommy?" Shawn quickly hand over my phone to me.
"Yes, tiger?"
"Can I attend the art activity tomorrow at school? Please, mommy."
"Okay, tiger. Just make sure that you will behave and no trouble will happen."
"Yehey! Thank you, mommy! I love you."
"I love you more, tiger."
"Mommy, you're so pretty. You're the best mommy in the whole wide world and I'm so lucky that you're my mum."
I smiled, and how I wish it was really a compliment. "What exact toy do you want from me, Clark Zachary?"
I can feel him smiling on the other line, "Nerf gun, mommy."
"Your wish is my command, master Clark." I said and he giggled. I already knew what that lines means exactly. It isn't about he thinks his mother is beautiful. No, it's not. It's because he sees a beautiful toy so he'll come and compliment me so I can buy it for him.
"Thank you, mommy."
"You're welcome, tiger. It's getting late now. Go to bed now, okay? I love you so much and I'll see you in your dreams."
"See you in my dreams, mommy! I love you. Goodnight."
"Tiger, will you please pass the phone to Alfred? Thank you." I heard him calling Alfred. While waiting, I glance at Shawn and it's face timing with his parents. I leaned closer to him so they can see me.
"Hi mom! Hi dad!" I waved happily at them.
"There she is! Our favorite daughter-in-law!" Manuel giggled.
"You're my favorite too, dad!" I chuckled. After a few minutes, the phone got picked up so I sit back properly in my seat.
"Ms. Cabello,"
"Alfred, find another babysitter for Clark, okay? I've already talked to him and we made a deal so rest assured this will be the last time out of hundreds."
Alfred giggled, "Noted, Ms. Cabello. When are we going to see you?"
"I'll fly back to LA this Monday."
"Okay, Ms. Cabello. Have a safe flight then and have a good night."
"You too, Alfred. Good night."
"Oh! Before I forgot, Clark wants to attend the art activity at their school."
"Yeah, he told me already. You know what to do, Alfred. Don't let my son be a pain in the ass again."
"I'll handle it, Ms. Cabello. I'll let you go now."
"Okay." I press the end call button and join Shawn and his parents. It's been a while since I last saw them. Both of them are very busy and rarely got a free time. Karen is the CEO of the record label that I'm in while Manuel is the CEO and head medical director of the MMC Hospital in LA.
"Tour will start tomorrow. It'll be around nine months long."
"Take care of yourself then. Camila won't be around you for nine months so you better think about yourself more often. Don't push yourself too much." Manuel.
"Yes, dad. I'm sure I can handle myself."
"Don't worry, dad. I'll face time him every minute to remind him." I smiled at his parents as I intertwined our fingers together, "Distance won't be a problem." I looked at Shawn, "I promise."
"Thank you for taking care of my son, Camila. Honestly, I don't want any other girl to be my daughter-in-law other than you." Karen.
"And that brings me to my question. When will you two get married?" Manuel.
Shawn and I looked at each other with a silly expression on our faces, "Mom! Dad! We're only 23."
"And 23 is a good time to get married." Karen.
"We're still young. Can we please drop it? It's not like I don't want to marry Camila cause god knows how much I wanted to. I just dont want my girlfriend to feel pressured and all."
"It's okay, Shawn. It's not like I feel pressured at all." I assure him with a smile.
This isn't the first time this topic surfaced in the mid of our conversation. It's been a topic ever since Shawn and I got together. Our parents always asked us about marriage that I get used to it overtime. Sure, I felt incredibly pressured the first, second, and third time. But as the time passed by, the topic don't pressure me anymore cause I don't see myself settling down with anyone else than with Shawn. He loved me and most importantly, he loved Clark like he is his own son and that is what important to me most.
"Besides, isn't it marriage is the whole point of being in a relationship? Karen.
"Besides, we want Camila to be our daughter-in-law. You found a gem, son." Manuel smiled sheepishly and wink, "No jokes involve, Camila. I'm serious."
"I know, dad. And I found a great man whom I always dreamed of marrying someday."
Shawn shakes his head while blushing, "Alright, mom and dad. I'll talk you tomorrow morning. You two are actually ruining our date."
"Oh. Okay, okay, we'll let you guys go. Drive safe, son." Manuel.
"Yes, dad."
"Bye Camila! Bye son! I love you, you two. I'll see you guys soon." Karen.
"Bye!!!" We waved our hands goodbye before Shawn ended the call.
"Do you... really mean what you said?"
"That I wanted to marry you? Of course."
Shawn cupped my face and smile. His eyes are looking at me lovingly and it almost feels hurt to be looked like that, "Thank you for loving me, Camila. And thank you for letting me love Clark as well."
"No, thank you because you loved me at my most darkest and lowest time and you're still doing it until now."
"And I'm willing to do that for the rest of my life. I love you so much, Camila."
"I love you too, Shawn." I close my eyes and parted my lips, waiting to feel his lips on mine.
***
Lauren's POV
"Bob!" I gave him a big smile as I walk over to the porch of his house with 5 large boxes of pizza on my hands.
"Hey, Lauren!" He smiled back. He took the boxes of pizza from my hand. His smile grew widely when he saw the note on top of the box, "'Stream Havana for 10 years of luck'. You're such a Camila fan!"
I smiled at the sound of her name, "Not just a fan, Bob. I'm that dork's number 1 fan."
"Don't state the obvious, Lauren. My wife can't stop playing her song, and even my kids adore her."
"Honestly, who wouldn't adore her? She's the most goofy and kind person you'll ever meet. She's very lovely, Bob."
Bob shakes his head and smile, "I know. Come on, fan girl. Have a drink inside before you go."
I chuckled, "Thanks."
I trail him from behind as we get inside of his house. I took off my cap and wipe away my sweat since I'm super sweating right now considering the fact that I've been running back and forth just to deliver the pizzas on time.
"Here you go, buddy." Bob handed me a glass of water. I smiled at him before I drink it straight to subside my thirst.
"So, where's Melanie?"
"She takes the kids to school." He pulled out a $350 dollar bill and hand it over to me, "How about you?"
"What about me?" I asked him with a question as well.
"When will you get married and settle down to have a family?"
Sadness suddenly strikes my chest at his question, "Bob, I'm only 23. Besides, I'm not ready to get married and have a kids. I don't have a stable a job. Delivering pizza for a living isn't enough to sustain a family." I explained. I wasn't being entirely honest with him, but I'm not lying either. Half truth and a half lie.
I'm ready to get married, and there's nothing that I ever want more than marrying Camila and have a family with her. But just like everyone else, what I want is nothing but a wishful thinking. A dream that will always remain a dream. Five years had gone passed and I'm still In love with her. Nothing changed, it's still her name that my heart screams. And ever since I've left that night, my heart became heavy and empty. But even so, I still refuse to put up a vacancy sign. I'm just not ready for anybody else to move in yet. I know it sounds like I'm punishing myself for choosing to love her from afar instead of moving on. But what else can I do? My heart is stubborn just like me. It doesn't listen. It doesn't understand endings. All my heart ever believed is... if there was any woman made for me, it's Camila.
When I left that night, I hadn't contact anyone. My family doesn't seem to care about me or anything. Hell, they didn't even bother themselves to call me or send me text message. I flew to San Francisco and stay at the house I bought. That's the only place where I can stay. Plus, I don't have money at that time. I drown myself to work. Day and night, I was working. I'm always pushing myself to the limit. I always make sure that whenever I got home, I'm super exhausted so I'll fall asleep quickly. Working is what keeps my mind off from thinking about her. I also quit drinking because I know drowning myself to alcohol will never be good for me. I've realized that if I go back to being alcoholic, no one will take care and look after me when I get sick. I'm all alone now. The only person I can count to is myself so I have to be healthy. I'm working as a service crew in a fast food chain every morning. Afternoon, I'm working at the auto repair shop as a repair crew of broken cars. At first it was tough since I don't have any experience. But after some time, I learned how to do it. And then at night, I'm working at the laundry shop.
All I do for the past two years of my living in San Francisco is to save money. I badly wanted to go to FC Barcelona Soccer Academy in Arizona to become a professional soccer player. That's the only job I wanted to do in my whole entire life. Besides, I didn't go back to school to finish my college. I think it's just a waste of time plus I don't have enough money to support my living and my tuition fee at the same time. So far, I've already saved $19,789 dollars. I need $55, 211 dollars more to complete the $75,000 dollars that I needed to get in at FC Barcelona Soccer Academy.
And then one day, I bumped into Ally. She's a pre-school teacher now and currently living in LA. We talked for a while to catch up. I can still remember how embarrassed I am. I can't look into her eyes because Ally looks so beautiful in her baby blue blouse and black pencil skirt. She looks so professional and presentable while here I am, wearing a uniform of Max's hotdog shop, barely making anything for a living. This is not how I visualized myself in the near future seven years ago. I always see myself talking to my friends and colleagues wearing a soccer uniform, being successful, and had a lot of money. Something that I can be proud of. Not like this.
Ally told me everything that happened to Camila after I left. She asked me why I suddenly disappeared without saying a word to them and I told her that I didn't. I told her everything that happened starting from the time when Normani came to my apartment up to the time when I've visited the hospital to see Camila for the last time and left a goodbye letter. Turns out, it's my letter that suddenly disappeared in the thin air. All along, Camila knew that I left her just like that that's why she got so depressed and became miserable over the years. But somehow, she manage to pick herself back up with the help of her friends and family and now she despise the living hell out of me. When Ally heard my side and what really happened the night I left, she badly wanted to tell Camila about it but I told her not to. It's been five years and she's happy now. I don't want to messed up her life by showing up to her front door and hurt her again like I did before. I've already caused her so much pain, I don't want to add that up.
So Ally is the only one who knew the whole story. When she go back to LA, she dragged me with her. And for the past three years, I'm living in a small apartment with Ally. I got myself a job at Mazzio's pizza as a pizza delivery driver. And then one day, I saw Camila with Shawn on the tv. They were performing a cover of Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran. That day, my heart wanted to explode out of happiness and proudness that I feel for her. She's starting to live out her dream. And I was right all along, Camila being a singer who adores by everyone will happen. And then it did, she became a very in demand singer with a hit song Havana. And I did everything in my power to support her. I slipped a small note in every pizza that I delivered to remind people to stream it. When she's nominated and needed to vote, I stay up all night to tweet and rt just to make sure she'll win it. And if I could rewind back the time, I'd still choose to do the same thing. Because my absence in her life pushed her to become the Camila everyone knew today. The strong one. The wiser one. The successful one. So no, I don't regret my decision of walking away that night. Because if I chose to stay with her, she'll just probably end up like me. A nobody who got nothing to be proud of.
"Well, you have a point, young lady. I'll let you go now."
I smiled genuinely at him, "Thanks, Bob. I'll see you later."
I put on my cap and started to walk towards the front door when I suddenly heard Camila's name making me stop from my tracks. I turned my attention to the television and it was Camila's recent interview.
"But Camila, the golden question here is... when will you release your first album? Cause like everyone is waiting for it."
"I mean... I don't know. I can't drop the exact date when cause I'm still working on it, but it's definitely on the way."
"Drop a little hint? Any possible theme for the album?"
"It's definitely about being In love. Basically, I was completely single for four years and now being in a real relationship for two years now that is healthy and, you know? Not losing yourself while you're in a relationship with someone is something I'm longing to find, and now it's here. And there's no better way of saying all of my overwhelming feelings for him than to write him an album."
....
"You're my muse to every song that I'll write. Always remember that."
"Really? Even if we're not together anymore?"
"Yes."
"Why? We're not together anymore and I'm still your muse?"
"Just because we're not together anymore at that time doesn't mean my love for you will fade away. True love doesn't fade that easily."
___
"You and your song are under my spell. Just making sure that you'll always think of me just in case we broke up and drift away."
"What are you saying? We won't be apart. Us against the world, remember?"
"You don't know what the future holds for us, Camz."
"But we could work it out, right?"
"We'll always work it out."
....
I felt a sting of pain in my chest at the sudden flash of the memories that followed. She's definitely talking about me, and being single for four years? That only screams one thing: I'm already forgotten and she's making the 'us' never existed in her life. Painful but I'll take it, I deserved it anyway.
"You okay?" I felt his hand over my shoulder, snapping me out from my thoughts.
"Hmm? Yeah, yeah, I'm good." I cleared my throat since my voice is cracking, "I'll go ahead now, Bob." I waved goodbye at him before walking out.
I stop for a moment to breathe with my hand over my chest. "It's okay. I'll be okay... I'll be okay." I mutter under my breath, hoping comforting words will help and the pain in my chest will somehow lessen.
I put my helmet on when I suddenly felt my phone vibrate from my pocket. It was a notification from CCUpdater on twitter about Camila's interview today talking about IHQ. I quickly pressed it and watch the video posted.
I'm ready for the 2nd round of pain that's about to knock the hell out of me.
"And that's a perfect song cause who hadn't gone into a break up, right?"
"Aww, thank you. Thank you so much."
"No, thank you Camila."
"No, seriously, thank you."
"Have you found the answers?"
"No, I don't care anymore."
"That's good. When you don't care anymore you know it's..."
"It's over, yeah."
I locked my phone and didn't finish the whole clip. I felt my heart being squeezed so tight that breathing becomes an impossible task to do.
What else will I hear next? Shawn and Camila being engage?
I slip my phone back in my pocket and hop into my scooter. I drive back to the pizza shop to do my job with a smile on my face and a heart that is aching terribly.
***
"Ally, you home?" I called out as soon as I push the door open.
"Yeah, I'm right here in the kitchen." Ally answered.
I locked the door and walk towards the kitchen. The smell of beef stew that she's cooking lingers on my nose making my stomach growl in hunger.
"How's the school went?" I asked as I hop into the kitchen counter.
"Tiring. And oh, can I asked you a favor, Lo?"
"Yeah, sure, anything."
"Can you cover my shift tomorrow?"
"You have school on Sundays?"
"Yeah, the school will held some art activity. I need to attend a seminar at San Francisco and they told me it's a must. Don't worry, you're just going to watch the kids over. After an hour, you're free."
"Sure, anything for my Ally." I smiled at my best friend and Ally squealed in happiness and pulled me in for a hug.
I help Ally prepare the table as we sat down and share this delicious beef stew for dinner. Ally sat across me. I look at her and I can't help not to feel ashamed for literally not helping at all. I mean, I help around the house but not in financial aspect. The money that I'm earning for being a pizza delivery driver is not enough to pay a bills.
"I'm sorry, Ally." I mumbled while looking down at my plate.
"You're apologizing for what, Lo?"
"For being a burden to you. You shouldn't drag me here in LA with you."
I heard the utensils being put down on the plate, "Look at me, Lo."
I did what Ally told me.
"What are you saying? You're not a burden to me. You got a job—"
"It's not a decent job."
"But it's still a job, right? Yes, you earn a small amount of money but it's still a money after all. Have you seen the homeless people on the street? They have nothing, Lo. But you? You are lucky because you have a job and you're earning a money to survive everyday. Small things still counts as a blessing."
"You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that... I can't help not to feel ashamed, you know?"
"About what, Lo?"
"About everything that happened in my life. That I can't help you."
"Since when did you feel this way?"
I took a sigh, "Ever since we met in San Francisco."
"Lauren!" I flinched from my seat when Ally suddenly slam her hands down on the table, "Sorry, I startled you. But Lauren, why didn't you tell me you feel this way?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"I took you with me so we can be together. I know being alone in other state is not easy. I want to be there for you, Lo. You are my best friend and I want to look out for you, and I mean it. From the bottom of my heart, I mean it. And so what if I'm a pre-school teacher and you're a pizza delivery driver? That doesn't make you less of a person. That doesn't lessen my respect for you. You know what I see right now when I look at you? A better person, Lauren. A person that has a dream and striving hard to achieve it. A person who became responsible. And I know one day, you will become the greatest soccer player of all and I want to be there when that happens. We got each other through thick and thin, remember?"
I nod my head and wipe the tears that's threatening to fall down in my eyes, "Stoooop, Ally. You're making me cry."
Ally giggled, "Come here and give your mother a hug."
I stand up from my seat and hug Ally so tight as I endlessly thanking her internally for giving me a home and a strength whenever I feel hopeless.
After our dinner, we settle at the living room and watch some movies that we could find in Netflix until we both didn't notice it's already close to midnight. Ally told me to place a pizza delivery order for our midnight snack and I told her that it's on me. I pulled out my phone and scroll through my contacts to find Dina, my co-worker at Mazzio's.
"You still have her number?" Ally suddenly asked, and I know she's referring to Camila's number that's still saved in my contacts.
"Yeah, I don't see any point of deleting it. I still have her number memorized so why bother?" I smiled timidly before calling Dina and told her to deliver 2 boxes of pizza at our place.
15 minutes later, our pizza arrived. The two boxes only lasted for 10 minutes because we're that monster when it comes to pizza. After the movie, Ally and I walk towards our room and flop down at our own bed. I turn to the side where the window is and stare at the moon right above the sky.
This is exactly how me and Camila are now. She's shining bright. Unreachable. No one grows tired of the moon. It is cratered with imperfections. It is all alone in a sea of stars. Camila was the moon on earth, and I would never grow tired of her.
By 6:30 am of Sunday morning, I found myself sitting at the empty pre-school classroom. I'm wearing a simple white t-shirt, a worn out jeans, and white converse. When the clock hits 6:55 am, the kids starting to storm inside the room and the very last one to come inside caught my attention.
"No trouble today, okay? Behave."
"I promise, Afred. I'll behave."
I watch the little boy hug his grandfather before proceeding to walk inside and find a seat to occupy. Trouble? What kind of trouble does a 5 year old kid can do?
I glance at the clock from the other side of the room and it's already 6:58 am. I look around the classroom and I got 10 students in total.
"Good morning, children." I greeted them with a smile and they greet me back with a long 'Goooooood moooorniiiiing, teacheeeeeer'. Loud and energetic.
"Teacher Ally can't make it today because she has something important to do. I'm Lauren, by the way."
"Youuuuuu areeeeeee beautifuuuuul, teacheeeeeer Lawren." The boy that caught my attention a few seconds ago got my attention for the second time after he greeted me loudly with an adoring smile on his face.
This kid is making my head big right now. I can't help not to smile widely at his compliment. You know what they say? Kids don't lie, they always tell the truth. "Thank you," I look down to his chest to read his nameplate, "Clark."
I turn my attention to the desk and pick up the brown folder that Ally gave me this morning. I explained to them the activity and what they're going to do for an hour before I distributed the clean bond paper, water color, and brush.
Basically, the aim of this art activity is to work and enhanced their creative thinking and imagination. I roam around the classroom while the children are busy doing their thing. I peek at their works and most of them are doing a house and a tree, a hill with birds flying around.
And for the third time, this little boy named Clark caught my attention again. His artistic skills amazed me. He's only 5 and yet the way he drew Superman is great, like he can draw anything without breaking a sweat.
"Why Superman?" I asked and he shot his head up. I stare at him for a good long minute and he... I don't know if I'm hallucinating right now or what but he looks like me but with a brown eyes and in male version.
"Because I want to protect my mommy."
"From bad guys?"
"From sadness." His answer picks my curiosity.
"Why? Is your mommy always sad?"
He nod his head, "Mommy is always sad and crying that's why I want to be like Superman so I can fight off the sadness that wants to harm my mommy."
I smiled and caress his head softly, "You're a good boy, Clark. I'm sure your mommy is so proud to have a son like you."
He smiled at me like a baby sheep, making him even more adorable. "Thank you, teacher Lawren."
"You're welcome, Kal-El."
His eyes widen and I giggled, "That's Superman's name. And you looked exactly like him. Handsome, especially when you smile like that. Like a baby sheep."
"That's my signature smile." He giggled. Clark suddenly took my hand and draw a big heart at the back of my hand and wrote 'Clark loves Lawren'. I look at him again and smile. Weird but this kid already occupied a place in my heart.
"There, we're friends now teacher Lawren."
I nod my head with a smile, "Finish that up, okay?"
I continue to roam around the classroom to check the work of others. An hour passed more faster than I expected, I guess I'm having a lot of fun in here. I collected all of their work and compile it before slipping it inside Ally's desk so she can check it tomorrow morning.
"Alright, children. Teacher Lauren is going to dismiss y'all okay? Form a straight line and line up properly." I told them while holding the doorknob.
"Thaaaaaank youuuuu fooooor todaaaaaay teacheeeeer." They said in unison before forming a straight line with Clark leading the line.
"You're welcome, little chickens." I smiled at them before I took his little hand and lead them outside where most of their guardians are waiting for them.
"Will I see you again?" Little Clark asked while nudging my hand.
"No, but you will definitely see teacher Ally again."
"But I don't want to see teacher bless."
"Wait, teacher what?"
"Teacher bless." He repeated in a serious tone, making me laugh, "She's always saying god bless to us."
Ally being Ally, "It's because teacher Ally wants all of you to be a good children who's afraid of god. Like Superman."
"I'm afraid of mommy, Yawn, and to god as well cause I'm a good boy like Superman."
I smiled at him and about to open my mouth to say something when someone called his name.
"Clark." We both turn around and it was his grandpa.
"Afred!" He let go of my hand and meet him halfway to give his grandpa a hug.
"I miss you too, Clark." He smiled before looking up to meet my gaze. They both walk towards my direction and I gave him a smile.
"I haven't seen you around in here before. Are you a new teacher?" He asked.
"Oh no, I'm not. I'm just covering my friend's shift. Her name's Ally."
"Oh, Ms. Brooke."
"By the way, my name is Lauren." I extended my hand for a handshake in which he gladly accepted.
"I'm Alfred."
"Nice to meet you, sir. Your grandson is such a funny boy. He's amazing."
Alfred look at Clark for a moment before looking back at me, "Clark is not my biological grandson. I'm just looking after him since his mom and her boyfriend are always away. But I treat him as if he was my own."
"Afred, can we grab some ice cream on the way home?" We both look at Clark.
"Sure thing."
"Afred, is it okay if Lawren come with us?"
Alfred raised both of his eyebrows as if Clark's behaviour is something odd. Both Alfred and Clark turn their eyes on me, waiting for my answer.
"Uhh, I'm actually on the way to apply for a job..." My eyes turns to Clark and he's looking at me with a puppy eyes, practically begging for me to say yes. I took a sigh as a sign of defeat, "Okay, okay. I'll tag along."
"Yehey!!! Thank you, Lawren!" Clark suddenly wrapped his small arms around my thighs.
Alfred smiled lovingly while looking at us, "You're applying for a job, you say?"
"Yeah, I'm actually trying to get a better job."
"I can offer you a job that is much more better."
"What... job?"
"Clark's babysitter." Clark suddenly detached himself from the hug and look at me with his eyes beaming bright, "I don't know what you did but... I can see that Clark instantly became comfortable with you. Finding a babysitter has always been a problem for quite sometime now for her mom. As you can see, Clark hates having a babysitter—"
"I don't now!" Clark squealed and then hug my thighs again, making us laugh.
"And he always radiates trouble. And I'm sure if you stick with him, he'll be in good hands."
"Uhh..."
"The salary is $30,000 dollars a month. You have your own room in the house, the food is free, and you won't do anything except to look after Clark. So, what do you say?"
Clark and I look at each other. He gave me a pleading eyes, still hugging my thighs. "Pleaseee, Lawren. I promise I'll be a good boy. I'll behave and won't make you cry. I will also let you borrow my toys. Pleaseeeeeee,"
I giggled before pulling him away from me. I get down on my knees and pinched his cheeks, "How can I say no to that eyes, Kal-El? So yeah, I'll babysit you."
Clark begins to jump up and down while squealing loudly before pulling me in for a hug. I laugh at how adorable he is and hug him back, feeling my heart being warmed for the very first time ever since I left Camila.