SHE WAS WRONG.
That night, we received a phone call telling us that Gemma had died after suffering from cardiac arrest. The last thing I said to her made her sad. It made her so sad that her heart began overworking from guilt and shock. Something I inflicted on her.
All the puzzles began to fit. I finally understood why Ruby did not want me to tell Gemma anything that she knew would upset her. She knew Gemma had a weak heart. I wish I found out a different way.
My best friend was gone, and I was to blame.
The pain I felt was as bad as it was when my parents died. When my parents died, I was in shock for several hours, unable to wrap my mind around the fact that I was suddenly all alone and the only member of my family left. And when reality hit, it hit me hard.
The only difference was that when I lost them, I always had Gemma on the back of my mind and that comforted me. I knew I would not be alone. But now, I had no one. I was alone.
I sat in a bathtub, unsure of what to do with myself. The water had turned cold hours ago. All I could do was stare at mirror that showed the reflection of the ceiling. Time went by quickly. Without her.
I faintly heard a knock on the door. The third round of knocks since locking myself in here. Ruby had a key. I knew she did, but she also respected my need to be alone. But I knew it was getting to the point where I was alone for too long.
"I'm coming in, okay?"
I was naked, but that did not matter. It was pointless to worry about some skin. My best friend was dead.
She crouched down next to the tub, her hand touching the back of my damp head. She was staring at me.
My throat became tight and I gasped for a breath. I could not breathe and I wasn't even under water. Instinctively, I reached for the sides of the tub, splashing water overboard. My weak hands slipped and I felt myself fall into the water momentarily.
When pulled up, I started screaming. My screams mixed with the hysteria I was experiencing. I could scream, but I couldn't breathe. It was panic.
I had not realized Ruby had climbed into the sorrow-filled bathtub with me, fully clothes and everything. Her chest against my back, she devoured me in her arms. She forced me to lean back into her, her hand caressing my jaw. I could feel her cheek against my forehead.
My chest was heavy with sadness and I felt it pulling me down. If it were not for Ruby holding me up, I would have drown.
Her thumb ran down my lips as my screams faded into a whimper.
Ruby's voice shook. "I-I'm so sorry, Ellis." She whispered before swallowing a lump in her throat. "I told you that she would be fine. I-I promised-"
I wanted to tell her to stop because I could not bear the pain any longer.
I drew my knees up and sobbed into them. It felt impossible. I could not go on with life without my best friend. I just could not imagine a future for myself anymore, because I always saw Gemma in it. By my side at my wedding. My child's godmother. Everything.
"Ellis," she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I need you to breathe."
My broken voice echoes through the bathroom. "I can't." I sobbed before gasping for another breath.
The water began to splash around again but this time it was from Ruby stepping out from the tub. She turned around and put her hands on my arm, giving me no choice but to stand. The air hitting my bare skin was even colder than the water itself.
She wrapped a towel around me as if I were a child and guided me into my bedroom. Regardless she was dripping with water, all she wanted to do was make sure I was dry.
Laying in bed only made me cry even harder. It made me remember all those nights Gemma slept by my side and how I would never have the opportunity to experience that ever again.
For a moment I was alone again. Ruby had slipped away to dry herself off and it made me feel even more discomfort.
The mattress sunk as she sat down on it. I grasped her wrist before she could leave me once more even though she showed no signs of it.
"Stay, please." I didn't want to be left alone again.
As she laid down beside me I turned around to face her. I could feel the heat radiating off her skin, bringing me temporary warmth and comfort.
That night I stayed awake, listing to Ruby's heartbeat and crying until I had run out of tears and my body felt like it was thinning.
I knew I kept her awake too, but not once did she complain.
When the sun came up, I momentarily fell asleep. I had a dream that everything was normal- I came home and found Gemma cooking dinner. Her hair was in a bun and she was complaining about her roots being overgrown.
But I knew it was a dream. Everything around me was soft to the touch, and I had extra fingers. Still, I needed to feel as though I could hug her one last time. So I did.
The hug felt so real. Too real. I held her so tight but she did not make a sound. I shook with each sob that escaped my lips, but no tears would come out. I did not want to wake up.
Unfortunately, I did. For a brief moment when I closed my eyes during the hug, I reopened them to find myself actually hugging someone. The disappointment as I realized why the hug felt so real was because I had clung to Ruby, who was wide awake now but holding me too, made my heart break into more pieces than it had already.
"You dream about her too?" Ruby asked with a croaky voice. I realized that she still had not cried yet. How? How was that possible? Ruby loved Gemma as much as I did. There was no way I would argue otherwise. I am not weak. She is just extremely strong.
I nodded in response, my arms slowly retreating from around her neck. She suddenly grabbed my hand as they were about to slip off her shoulder.
I stared up at her, waiting for her to speak again. She parted her lips as if she were about to say something but changed her mind. I broke out of her grip and rolled over to the other side of the bed. I let my face hang off the mattress, staring at the floor.
I felt movement around me for several seconds before the mattress sprung back into shape. Ruby walked around the bed towards the door. She opened it but before she could walk out, she locked eyes with me.
"I'll be back, okay?" Her voice was shaky.
I had no energy to question her. She left the apartment, and I was truly alone.
WAS IT WRONG to rummage through a deceased person's things? What if that person was someone you were close to? Someone you thought you knew everything about, but clearly did not?
It did feel wrong to walk through Gemma's room and slide open her drawers, but I was not looking to take anything. I just wanted to see how she left it so that I could forever leave it that way.
I came across some questionable things that made me laugh out loud for a short time only to be hit with the crippling reality that I may never laugh at her, nevertheless with her, again.
I ran my hand over the top of her dresser, expecting to collect dust. Nothing. Absolutely spotless, the way she kept her life. She didn't deserve to die.
The mirror above the dresser caught me off guard. I had forgotten that I was still in a towel, tucked under my arms and so short that if I leaned forward even the slightest then I would flash someone.
Through the mirror, I noticed the reflection of a phone on the bed. My heart sunk even further again.
I picked up the phone and slumped down at the end of the bed, staring at the screen. I hesitantly pressed the home button and the screen came to life, flashing me with a photo of us. I had no idea her wallpaper was of the first day when I arrived in LA. Gemma never let me touch her phone, only because she claimed she had a countless amount of dick pictures and nudes of herself. I smiled at the thought.
I slid my finger across the screen but it asked for a passcode. I let out a heavy sigh. Although I can't go far with her phone, I would continue to charge it and keep it alive.
I collapsed back into her bed and turned onto my stomach so that I could feel the fluff on the blanket against my cheek. I closed my eyes. Every inhale smelled like her. Like faint perfume.
I felt myself drifting off.