I was fragile, you were broken. I was loving, you were leaving.
- Perry poetry
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Chapter 36
Shawn's POV
For two weeks, I get to live with Camila. She's staying at the dorm with me since Dinah, Normani, and even Ally don't want anything to do with her anymore. They're... completely done with her. They're too tired to get shouted by someone who's too blinded for love. Everyone knew that this relationship has finally reached its end. It can no longer be fix. This is the last chapter of their story. The end of the line. And yet, Camila's too blinded to see that. She's trying to fix everything, trying to make sense of the little remains of their relationship. But I know, we know, that it's just a matter of time before things falls down to it's right place.
I honestly sick of hearing Camila crying every single time. I'm sick of seeing her sad. I'm sick of hearing she loves Lauren more than anything, more than herself. I'm sick of seeing her skipping meals. I'm sick of seeing her so broken and can no longer function just because Lauren's not here. I'm sick and tired, but I can't leave her. I can't leave her in times like this. Cause truth to be told, even though I'm hurting to see her like this and had to lie about everything just to stop her from crying over some asshole who obviously don't have any care in the world to fix her goddamn relationship with her girlfriend, I know I'll still choose to stay.
I'll stay for Camila.
I badly wanted to tell her to just break up with Lauren because this relationship that they had is not working anymore, but I know it's useless. She will never listen to me and she'll still choose to be with Lauren. Camila already reached that point where she's willing to left the entire world for Lauren. And hell, she's already doing it. She's pushing the people who deeply cares about her including her parents, she's skipping meals that caused her weight to decrease badly, she wasn't getting any sleep at all, she easily get mad over little things. I mean, she's so different now. Both physical and emotional aspect. The love she had for Lauren completely changed her. The thing that she calls "love" is already consuming every bit of her, but Camila doesn't care at all. And this isn't the Camila that I knew. That girl was a fighter. A jolly. A dork. A goofy humble human being. A ball of sunshine. Not like this. Not at all.
And in those period of time, I've realized a lot of things. I'm still In love with her. I badly wanted to take care of her, to make her feel that she deserve something better and that she deserve to be treated right.
Why can't you just love me instead? I kept asking her that question in my head every time I'll look in her brown eyes. Her brown orbs that was once the most brightest thing I've ever known is now lifeless. Gloomy.
I tried to take Camila out. At first she kept saying no because she's not in the mood but I'm way too persistent so she ended up saying yes. I took her to some carnival fest near the campus cause I heard you can do a lot of things in there and it is fun. Turns out, it was all true cause I saw her smile. That priceless smile.
And now standing at the coffee shop, I walk towards the usual table where Georgina and I usually occupied. She's already there taking a sip of her usual morning coffee.
I stare at her for a moment. Brown hair, brown eyes, petite. She had a resemblance to Camila, and I think that's the reason why I like her. Don't get me wrong, I did love her at some point. I didn't use her as a rebound or as a cover up. I thought I've already moved on from Camila. I really did thought that I was. I'm already happy knowing that she's happy. But when I saw that Lauren didn't love her the way she deserves to be loved, that's how I knew it's still her.
I walk towards Georgina. I don't know how should I greet her knowing I'm breaking up with her today. She have been a great girlfriend to me, and for that I am so very thankful that a girl like Georgina Curtis came into my life.
"Hey," I greeted with a timid smile.
"Hi, baby." She smiled widely at me before she leaned in and kiss my lips.
"I... I-I need to talk to you about something."
She looked at me for a moment as if she's trying to read my mind.
"I think I know what it is." She said seriously after a moment of silence.
She knew that Camila and I are living together, but that doesn't bother her that much because she trust me and that she understands everything. She understand that Camila came into my life first before her. She knew that I can't forget about Camila and leave behind the memories I shared with her before. But despite of her being super understanding, I know at the back of her head she's still feel scared, insecure, and jealous. I mean, who wouldn't feel that way when your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend are living together, right?
I'm just looking at her, feeling my heart breaking inside. I don't want to hurt her and at the same time I want her to find the happiness that truly belongs to her. But there's no easy way to break someone else's heart.
"Georgina."
Hurt flash upon her eyes, "Just tell me the truth, Shawn. Do you love me?"
I rest both of my elbows on the table and leaned closer to her, "Georgina, you know I love you."
"...Do you love her?" She asked referring to Camila. And that's the time when no words came out to my mouth. My throat went dry. My heart sunk deep.
"I... I don't want to see you get hurt." Is the only words I've manage to say.
She smiled weakly before motioning me to close my eyes, so I did.
"Just keep your eyes close so you won't see me get hurt." A long silence defy us before her voice lingers on my ears once again, "Do you still love her?"
My body tensed up. I can't bring myself to say Yes, I still do. "I'm so sorry, Georgina. I'm so sorry." I keep on whispering.
A long silence echoed once again. And I don't even have to open my eyes to know that she's crying. She's crying silently so I won't hear her get hurt. Despite of the heartbreak that I brought to her, she still cares about how I'll feel. She still putting me first.
I'm so sorry, Georgina. I really am.
"Do you want to end this now?"
"Will you forgive me?"
And the only response I got is Georgina walking away without giving me an answer.
I guess I deserve that.
I stand up from my seat as well and walk out since there's no more reason for me to stay here. As soon as I step out of the coffee shop, I accidentally glance at the parking lot. And there, I saw her. Lauren. The green eyed girl is literally shoving her tongue down on some random whore she picked before leading her inside her car.
And I can't help not to feel my blood boil in anger at the sight of what I've just saw. My gut feeling is right; She hadn't changed at all. She's still the insensitive and selfish Lauren. And while looking at them, Camila's crying face suddenly flash in my head. I can't fucking believe how inconsiderate she is. Camila literally gave her some time and space to get her shit together and to clear her mind but all she did was to waste all that time in drinking and fucking some whore!
I'm about to walk towards her to smack her head but she get inside of her car as well, "Damn you, Jauregui! You don't deserve her!" I muttered as I watch her drive away from the coffee shop.
***
After practice, I stop by at my locker to have some freshen up. I haven't seen Lauren yet and I'm praying to god that I won't because I don't know what I can do to her if we ever cross paths.
"Hey, Shawn." Bryan tap my shoulder, "How's Camila?"
"Still the same. She's sick right now that's why she's not around." I explained. Camila have a fever and colds.
"Love completely broke her." He commented while shaking his head.
"I'm here to help her heal all the wounds that drunk ass bastard caused to her."
"I once saw her having a break down at the corner while looking at her and Lauren's picture through her phone. All I gotta say right now is Camila deserve to have someone who will truly love her."
And that's me. I thought to myself. I changed my clothes and said my goodbye to Bryan before I walk out of the locker room and head home.
And for the love of god, I bumped into her while walking around the hallway. Lauren is just walking and she doesn't seem to care about everything and anything at all. When she passed right me, the smell of strong liquor lingers on my nose.
She's drunk. Of course she's fucking drunk.
"You're so fucking selfish!" I said the thought out loud.
Footsteps suddenly stop.
"What the fuck did you just say to me?!" She snapped.
I turn around so I can face her, "Isn't it ironic? You're destroying Camila the same way you destroyed Keana. It's really true though that history repeats itself."
Lauren giggled cockily, "Aaah, I get it. Your cock is jealous cause I can bury mine deep inside Camila and you can't. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon, bitch."
And I didn't think twice of grabbing the collar of her shirt and slam her hard against the wall, "Fuck you! Fuck you for hurting Camila! Fuck you for treating her like this! Fuck you for thinking she's nothing but a sex toy! She's more than that! She's fucking more than that!"
Lauren crack a laugh that makes me feel frustrated even more, "Like I fucking care."
I look at her with disbelief in my eyes. Like I fucking care? Does she even hear herself?!
"Did you even love her?! DID YOU?!"
Lauren smirk, "Player always gonna be a player. Besides I'm a man of my words, my traitor friend. Didn't I tell you that I'll give you back your Camila once she's crazy over me? Now, you can have her. I'm done with her and I'm bored, you know? It's time for me to taste something new."
"You fucking bastard!" I spat angrily before I smack him hard straight to his face. Blood begins to drip off from her mouth. And instead of hearing her agony because of it, I heard a joyous laughter.
"You know Mendes, Camila is sweet, lovely, and passionate. But... she's meaningless to me. I've realized she's just like all the girls I've slept with. Like a used tissue that I'll throw in the trashcan because it's now useless. In this case, you are the fucking trashcan, Mendes." And then a devious smirk appeared on her face while looking straight in my eyes.
Anger, bitterness, emptiness, frustration, hurt, betrayal, all of those are painted in her face. I let go of her, silently praying to god that she's not in the right state of mind right now and that all of the things she said to me were all mistakes she shouldn't say in the first place.
I'm not Camila but hearing those words coming from her own mouth hurts me. What would Camila feel if she's here and she'll hear this? It'll kill her for sure. It will crash her heart, and I don't want that to happen.
"Listen to me, drunk ass. If you ever hurt Camila again, I won't hesitate to use my own bare hands to kill you!" I warned her before walking away.
I revive the engine of my car and drive all the way back to my dorm. I grip tightly on the steering wheel, my hands were still shaking because of anger after our encounter. This is fucked up.
Does Lauren really meant what she said about Camila? If she really does then how can I warn Camila? How can I convince her to break up with Lauren without damaging her heart even more?
I was drowning to so many thoughts that I didn't notice I'm already in my destination. I exit my car and hurriedly run towards the dorm. I knock in a hurried and it took me four knocks before Camila open the door.
"Hey," Camila greeted in a sick tone. Messy hair, tired eyes, and there's a rolled tissue inside her nostril.
I felt my heart clenching inside my chest. How can Lauren hurt you like that? How she can treat the girl that means everything to me like nothing?
"...Shawn? A-are you okay? You look—" I cut Camila off by pulling her in for a very tight hug.
"Camila, I..." I love you. I'm still hopelessly, head over heels In love with you, Camila. Why can't you love me instead? I promise I will be patient with you. I will help you recover from this. I will wait for you until you're ready to love again. I will take care of you. I promise that you won't shed another tears again. But I didn't say it to her. Instead, I bite down my tongue and lie. Again. "I miss you."
Camila pulled away and mess with my hair. There's a small weak smile on her face, "I miss you too, bud."
Camila step aside so I can enter inside the dorm. I sat on the sofa and stare at Camila. She's walking back to her bed and it's so obvious that she's back again to her own world where Lauren and her still exist.
"Feeling better or you still sick?" I asked, trying to pop the bubble of thoughts in her head but Camila didn't respond. She sat on the edge of her bed with a far away stare.
I took a sigh before standing up and have a seat beside her. "Mila," I rest my hand over her knee.
Camila snapped out from her thoughts and look at me with an apologetic look, "I'm sorry, what is it again?"
I chuckled before pinching her chin, "I said how are you feeling?"
"Oh. I'm... doing okay now, I guess."
"You guess? So which means you're not sure?"
"Can I still be fine, Shawn?" Camila asked. And I know she's not referring to having a colds anymore. Tears quickly swell up on her eyes.
"I..." I'm caught in between hurting her by telling the truth or comfort her by telling a bunch of lies. But I need to try though. I need to smack her head with the truth to wake her up and see the reality that it's over. "Why don't you just break up with her?"
Camila's face suddenly became awful while glaring at me. Of course, the mood. Being happy is not on her vocabulary anymore because quote unquote: "Lauren is my happiness. She makes me happy more than anything and without her, I don't see any point of being happy at all". So what's the fucking point, right?
"And why would I do that?" It wasn't a question at all. It's more like 'I dare you to open your mouth so I can slap you' kind of words.
I took a sigh, "Listen to me very carefully, Camila. Lauren..." I took another sigh. I don't know how to tell it to her, "Aren't you tired of getting hurt over and over again? For the past two weeks, have you even consider about yourself and what YOU will feel? Have you?"
"What's up with the fucking lecture, Shawn?!"
"I'm tired seeing you like this! I'm tired of watching you settle for less when you can have something more better!" I snapped. I... I just get carried away by my emotions.
"And do you think I'm not tired of my fucked up life?!" Camila spat angrily, "I am! I am fucking tired!— No, exhausted!" Tears continuously falls down on her cheeks, making my chest feel incredibly heavy.
I cupped her cheek and wipe her tears away using my thumb, "I'm—"
"But Lauren is the one who keeps me going..." I rolled my eyes. Lauren again. Fucking again! I bite the inside of my cheeks to prevent myself from lashing out and burn down the whole house just so Camila can see the fucking truth.
"... And, I-I'm scared... Shawn, what if— what if she don't want to see me anymore? What if she don't want to talk to me? I can't lose her. God! I can't!" Camila stammered.
I took a sharp deep breath. This is the only way, "Then go talk to her. Stop living with your what if's. Go."
"I-I'm scared..."
"If you love her then you will be brave. Besides, I know you miss her so... go and do what you have to do."
The anger that was too visible on her face vanishes and fear quickly creeps in.
"I'll go with you. Of course, I can't let you go alone in there. In case you need..." A crying shoulder. "a moral support in case you chicken out all of a sudden."
Camila smiled timidly, "Thanks, Shawn."
"We'll go tomorrow morning." I softly ran my thumb to her tired brown eyes, "So cheer up, okay? Don't cry. You'll see her tomorrow morning."
Camila nod with a smile and mumbled a soft 'thank you'.
I walk over to the corner and grab my guitar. I started to strum my guitar randomly without any specific song to sing in my mind. This is what I usually do to take my mind off from thinking the things I don't want to think. Camila for an instance.
"What will you sing for me?" Camila asked just above whisper.
Without lifting my gaze, I ask, "What do you want to hear then?"
"Any song will do."
I look up and finally meet Camila's gaze with my hands still strumming the strings, doing some random melody. Her brown orbs are darted straight to mine and as I drown myself to her stare, that's when all the words naturally flash in my head.
"I won't lie to you
I know she's just not right for you
And you can tell me if I'm off
But I see it on your face
When you say that she's the one that you want
And you're spending all your time
In this wrong situation
And anytime you want it to stop
I know I can treat you better
Than she can
And any girl like you deserves a gentleman
Tell me why are we wasting time
On all your wasted cryin'
When you should be with me instead
I know I can treat you better
Better than she can..."
And when I finish the singing the song, I almost blurted it out loud; 'That song was for you. I love you. Please just be with me instead'. But then again, her words are like a cold water that suddenly splash in my face to keep me reminded that I will never come close to what Lauren had in her heart.
"That was a nice song, Shawn. Thanks for being a good friend and a brother to me." Camila smiled at me before she lay back down to her bed.
***
Camila's POV
A sigh escape on my lips as I pulled my knees to my chest and hug them tightly. I'm planning to spend my entire night here in the rooftop just to star gaze and talk to the moon. I like to pretend that Lauren's looking at the same moon as well and she's thinking of me like how I think of her. And only the moon can hear the longing words that our hearts spoke.
I lay back down and stare right into the beautiful sky above me. I used to dream of staring up into the beautiful stars with Lauren. Yet, here I am. Gazing up into the night sky alone, and, to be frank, I can't see its beauty anymore.
Two weeks had gone pass since I last saw Lauren, since I last talked to her. I don't see her to school anymore which got me super worried. I am so close of rushing back to our apartment but then Shawn keeps on reminding me why I need to do this. I need to give her some time to clear her mind. Maybe that's all we ever need to be okay again. To make everything work out alright.
It should only be one week. One week of space. One week of freedom. One week of waiting for her to come up to me and say how sorry she is. One week of waiting for her to say she misses me and she wants me back home.
But nothing happened.
I got no call, not text messages, no anything from Lauren. Every waking day is a hell for me. I wasted most of my nights crying silently with my face buried against my pillow so Shawn won't hear any sobs. And even though it's already killing me not talking to her and not being near her, I gave her another week thinking that maybe she needs a little more time. My friends are avoiding me. None of them wants to talk to me and it's really depressing. I'm just so lucky to have Shawn who became my rock in this darkest point of my life. And then another week had gone pass and there's still no call or text coming from Lauren. It's like she forgotten about me completely and her absence is making me feel I am so easy to forget and live without. And I swear that nothing in this universe could be so heavy as the absence of the person you love.
My parents knew about what happened with me and Lauren and they showed their sympathy and try to comfort me but at the back of their head, I know they're happy. The moment they were all waiting for finally happened. They pursued me even more to accept the UCLA offer but I still refuse to go because I can't leave the girl I love behind.
And the idea that I'm going to see Lauren tomorrow excites and scared me all at the same time. Of course, I'm happy. I'm so very happy that I'm going home. But then part of me can't help not to pay attention to all of my what if's.
What if Lauren broke up with me?
What if Lauren push me away?
What if Lauren don't want to talk to me?
What if—
I shook my head to shake off all the negative thoughts. And suddenly, I felt all the adrenaline rush in my body at the thought of sneaking up tonight and go to Lauren's place. I miss her so much and I don't think I can still wait until tomorrow to see her. The clock is striking so slow. Every minutes feels like hours and every hour feels like a year.
I can no longer wait that long.
As my mind and body finally agrees to do the same thing, I carefully go down to the rooftop and head back to the dorm. The lights are already off so Shawn is probably sleeping by now. I open the door as quiet as I can and grab my stuff before I sneak out.
Instead of taking a cab, I decided to just take a walk while practicing what I'm going to say in front of her later on.
"Hey, uhmm, i-it's me, Camila. I'd— fuck!" I took a deep breath. Why is thinking so hard to do when your incredibly nervous?
I took a couple of deep breaths before I try composing again, "Hi. It's been a long time. I mean, quite. It's only been two weeks and I'm so sorry and— wait why am I the one saying sorry?" I scratch the back of my head that how messed up my thinking ability is. And I didn't notice that my feet already stops from walking.
And in just a blink of an eye, I found myself standing on the porch of our apartment. My warm hands suddenly turn into a block of an ice and I suddenly forgot how to speak.
This is it, Camila. You'll finally see your Lauren.
I took a very deep breath before I knock on the door four times. My heart is pounding so loud inside my chest as I wait for Lauren to open the door.
I slip my hands inside the pocket of my jeans to hide the fact that it's shaking including my whole entire body. I rock back and forth just to drive my nervousness away. But when the door swing open and brown met green, all of my emotions explode inside me.
"C-Camila?" Lauren stuttered. Her eyes widen in horror as if she saw a ghost, "You... I-I thought— you..."
Tears swell up in my eyes as I run towards her direction and hug her so tight. "I miss you so much, Laur!"
Lauren didn't hug me back so I pulled away and cupped her cheeks. She's still wearing the same expression except there's one thing that starting to dominates all— guilt.
"Lauren, I know..." I glance over her shoulder and I saw a naked blonde girl standing at the living room while looking at us. I turn my eyes back on Lauren with a furrowed eyebrows.
"Camz, I-I'm sorry." Her words leaves me breathless. This can't be happening. This... can't be happening.
I back away a little and that's when I realize what her current state is: Messy hair, swollen lips, and half naked.
Pain, anger, and betrayal shoot across my eyes as I stare at Lauren with tears in my eyes. I didn't bother to wipe it because I simply have no strength to do so. And if there's something died inside of me that's probably my heart.
"Camz, I didn't—" I cut Lauren off by slapping her hard before walking away.
I started to run as fast as I can. It's raining heavily and it seems like the heavens are showing sympathy to my broken heart. I don't know where my feet is taking me. It could be anywhere, and that's fine with me as long as it's far away from here. Far away from her.
"Camz, wait!" I felt a hand grab my arm and spun me around, "Hear me out—" And I slap her again.
"Don't fucking call me that!" I said through a gritted teeth, "Why, Lauren?! Why do you have to break my heart?! Am I not enough?! Does everything that I gave to you not enough?! Did you even really love me?!"
"I love you, Camila! I do—"
"No! No, you don't! Because you don't fucking destroy the person you love!"
"YOU DESTROYED ME FIRST, CAMILA!" Lauren snapped angrily, "You threw me away first like I was fucking nothing! You left me first! You, out of all people! What am I? A fucking thing? That after you "fixed" and used in your own damn love story you'll just throw away in the corner?! You said you're afraid to lose me but then you face your fears and left! And as I look at it, you did a pretty good job."
I breathed out in disbelief, "I didn't left you, Lauren! And I told you that I won't! Why is that so fucking hard to believe?!"
"You didn't call or texted me in two weeks, Camila! What do you want me to do?!"
"It's always my fault, isn't it? I should always be the one apologizing to you even though I'm the one who's breaking."
"Camila," Lauren tries to grab my hand but I yank it away, "Baby, please,"
"I gave you two weeks to clear your mind. That even though it kills me everyday, I still endure it because I fucking care about you! I want you to realize that just this once, I am right and you are wrong. That you fucked up and I need you to run back to me and tell me how sorry you are and we'll work things out. But no, that's not what happened now, is it? And I'm always wondering: 'Did you love me as much as I loved you?' And tonight, I got my answer."
"It's not like that. Please, baby." Lauren attempted to hold my hand again but I yanked it away.
"Here we go again with that stupid look in your eyes. That look that tells me you want me when we both know you don't. It's really your game, isn't it? Fucking me over and over again. You really knew how to make me wrapped around your fingers. You knew very well that I love you so damn much that it's getting okay for you hurt me. Because for the love of fucking god, you knew what my weaknesses are. Just one look, one smile, one sorry, here I go again. My whole damn world is revolving around you again like nothing really happened. You perfectly knew that you could break my heart into billion pieces and I'd still fucking love you with every broken pieces lying on the very ground you walk on."
The rain is pouring on us heavily and we're both soaking wet. My vision is so blurry right now and I can feel the weight of my body slowly becomes heavy. I've finally reached my breaking point.
"Camz— Camila, I'm so sorry. Please baby, I'm so sorry. Let's fix this. Please." Lauren pleaded with tears running down on her face. "I fucked up. I fucking fucked up. I'm so sorry, please give me another chance. Please." Lauren get down on her knees. She hold my hand tightly with her forehead resting at the back of my hand. Hearing her break down into tears kills me more than ever. But I don't know if I could still forgive her.
"Sorry? I wish all of your sorry's could take every single pain I'm feeling right now. I wish all of your sorry's can magically change everything. How many more times are you going to fuck up and fuck me up? How many more times do I have to forgive you and watch everything in my world crumbles when you spit me out of your mouth? How many more times do I have to break my own heart to fix yours? How many more times do I have to watch myself break? I was so fucking scared of losing you, Lauren! But then loving you was way more worse than losing you. You shattered my heart. You let me down."
"I love you, Camila! I love you and that's the only thing I'm sure of!"
"Bullshit!" I pulled my hand away from grasp.
Lauren looks so broken more than ever, so was I. "Please don't doubt my love for you. It's the only thing I'm sure of." The green eyed brunette get back on her feet, "Please tell me what to do. Please tell me how to make this right. Camz, you're the only thing that keeps me going. I can't live without you, please."
"You can. And as I look at it, you did a pretty good job." I mocked her.
"Camila, please. I can't. I fucking can't, please. You're the only thing I have right now. It's just... I was so mad and angry because I thought you left me. I-I was so fucked up when you didn't call or texted me. I was staring at my phone all day and it makes me crazy. I-I didn't want to call you because I'm— I'm scared that you'll reject me or tell me that you don't need me anymore when you are my life."
"I am so tired of loving you, Lauren." Was all I manage to say, "Let's break things off. Just... just leave me alone. I don't want to see you ever again." And then I started to run away as fast as I can. I can hear Lauren calling my name but I didn't stop to look back.
Tonight, my eyes are drowning. My breath is gasping. And she left me with nothing. I never knew until now that it's possible that you could feel so much pain, and yet be so In love with the person causing it.
And that's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life: To walk away still madly In love with her.
And just like the lightning strike, my vision suddenly went blank. I don't know what's happening to me but before I lose my consciousness completely, I saw a figure standing near me followed by the feeling of my body hitting a concrete ground.
***
Dinah's POV
"What happened?!" Normani rush towards the hospital door with a worried face. I'm on my way to buy a pizza and it just so happen that I bumped into Camila. She literally passed out in the middle of the rain and even though she's treating us like shit, she's still my best friend. She's still my Walz and I can't just abandon her especially in times like this.
So even though I'm so damn hungry and my stomach keeps yelling 'feed me, you fucker' at me, I still put Camila first over my stomach. I never do that, not even to my own girlfriend Normani. I guess that's how special Camila is to me. After she lost her conciousness, I hurriedly rush her to the hospital. I also called our friends and the first thing to got up here is Ally. It's kinda strange why Shawn took so long when the hospital is literally near his dorm. I just hope he didn't do what I feel he did.
Though Camila's vital signs are all stable and good, the doctor advices us to stay here for a while. They put dextrose on Camila since she's super dehydrated which is not surprising to hear at all. The doctor also says they need to do more testing so I just nod my head and told them to do everything they can to make my best friend feel better.
"She passed out in the rain and she's bleeding." I explained.
"This is all Lauren's fault!" Normani hissed angrily. I can see how her eyes occupied by rage and furious towards the green eyed girl. Honestly, I don't know. At this point, I'm not taking anyone's side. I'm not going to pin point who's right and who's wrong in this situation. As much as I want to give Lauren all the credits for doing a pretty good job, let's face that fact that there's a fault end in Camila's part as well. And this is really not the time to run your mouth with: 'This is your fucking fault and you're so dumb so you deserve that kind' type of words. It won't help. And blaming one for the other won't help either.
I'm not angry. I'm just sad. My heart is so heavy right now seeing Camila so broken and so miserable.
"Mani, calm down." Ally tried to comfort Normani but I don't think it's working especially at this point. Lauren pushed everyone's 'triggered' button especially Normani's.
"No, Ally! Look what she did! First, Keana and now Camila?! Fuck her!" Normani spat angrily.
"What happened to Keana is not Lauren's fault! Her death is not her fault and you know that! Stop pin pointing to Lauren what Keana did to herself because it's her choice in the first place!" Ally countered.
"Can we stop blaming and arguing for a second? It's totally not helping at this point. What matters right now is that we need to be here for Camila." I said in a calm voice, hoping this would at least help everyone to calm down.
And then suddenly, the door of Camila's room swing open. It's Shawn barging inside with a worried face as well, "Camila! Oh my god, is she okay?"
"She's okay, Shawn. Don't worry. We're just waiting for her to wake up." Ally answered, assuring the Canadian boy that everything is now fine.
Or so everyone thought.
I eyed at his hands that was covered with stains of blood. Even his white polo.
"Shawn, what did you do?" I asked with a clenched jaw. The girls also look at him especially to his hands.
"I..." Shawn look down.
"Oh god, did you hurt her?" Ally asked.
Shawn took a deep breath before he answers, "I did."
Ally scratch the back of her head, Normani has no reaction, while I gave him a punch that landed straight to his jaw.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?! Lauren is still a woman!" I spat angrily at him.
Blood is now streaming down his mouth, "Do you want me to fucking beat you up as well so you'll know the difference between man and woman?!"
"I was angry, okay?! I-I didn't even think about that. I just want... I just want to beat the hell out of her for hurting Camila because of me!"
"Shame on you!" I'm about to throw him out of this fucking room but I felt Ally's hand on my arm. She's motioning me to calm down so I did for the sake of Camila.
"What do you mean she hurt Camila because of you?" Normani questioned which caught everyone's attention.
"Before all of this happened, I knew Lauren was cheating on Camila. I caught her kissing another woman in the parking lot in the coffee shop this morning. And then at school, I bumped into her and I confronted her about it and that's where she told me all of this was just some sick games for her. That she stays with Camila to hurt me, to get back on what I did to her back then."
Normani breathed out as if all of her assumptions are all true while Ally and I are completely shock.
"So... this whole—" Ally's doing this hand circling motion, "thing going on between them is just for... revenge?"
Shawn nodded, "Lauren just wants Camila to fall deeper In love with her to hurt me. And when that happens, she'll dump her in the trashcan like a used tissue. Her words... it was so harsh. No girl in this world deserves to hear that."
"What did she say?" Normani.
"Camila is sweet, lovely, and passionate. But she's meaningless to me. I've realized she's just like all the girls I've slept with. Her exact words."
And again, all of us breathed out in disbelief. I... I don't believe Lauren can say those things about Camila. I was there. I saw it with my two naked eyes how Lauren cares about Camila and how much she loves her. Even though it was toxic and so unhealthy, there was a point where I saw Lauren being so happy with Camila. I was there when Lauren was gushing over small things about the brunette. I was there when Lauren talks about Camila with her eyes glittering bright. I was there when Lauren stare at Camila like she was her whole damn world. I was there when Lauren laugh at every bit of Camila's horrible jokes when everyone is literally having a poker face and still making sense if that was a joke or not. I was there, and I know everything that my eyes saw was love. There's no fucking way you can fake all of that. There's no way in hell.
"See?! I've already warned y'all that Lauren is like a ticking bomb. The emotional trap is Lauren herself. And yet, you still let Camila fall for her. So Dinah, it's your fault!" Normani.
I scoff with my eyebrows furrowed. "How the fuck all of this became my fault?! All I did was to support my fucking best friend!"
"Exactly! You still support her even though you knew it was bad for her!"
"Because that's all I can ever do! And that's what best friends suppose to do, fucking Normani Kordei! Support your fucking best friend, not blaming them for the things they can't control! Keana's self destruction, for a fucking instance."
Our heated argument continues. We were barking on each other's faces when Ally suddenly yelled. Anger is visible on her voice and I haven't hear her talk like this. Only now.
"GUYS, STOP!" And we both did, "FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD, STOP! If you two can't calm down and talk in peace then get the fuck out!"
"I'll talk to Lauren." Normani turn her back on me so I immediately grab her arm to prevent her from walking away.
"I'll talk to her."
"So you can comfort your best friend despite of what she told to Camila?! No, Dinah. I'll go."
"I won't fucking comfort her, Normani! Shawn just beat her up and then what? You'll beat her up as well?"
"I won't, okay?!" Normani almost yelled.
So I yelled at her. I fucking hate the word 'almost'. If you're going to yell the fuck out of me then just do it. "SO YOU'RE GOING TO HUG HER INSTEAD?! Come on, Normani. Don't make me look dumb in this conversation."
"OH MY GOD!" Ally yelled at us again, "I'm the one who will go, end of conversation!" And then Ally started to walk away but quickly stops on her tracks when the door swing open.
It was Camila's doctor, "Who's Camila's relative? I need to discuss a very important matter."
All of our eyes landed on Ally cause she's the only person we know who knows how to make a lie looks real.
"I-I'm her sister."
The doctor started to wrote something on her clip board, "Name, please."
"Ally... Allyson Cabello."
"Are you the only relative?" The doctor looks up to meet Ally's gaze.
"Uhhm, yeah. Our... our parents are living in Miami."
"Okay, I need to speak with you in private."
"Oh no, you can say it in front of them. They are trusted friends of ours."
"Is that— is that a bad news?" Shawn worriedly asked while I'm so close to shake the doctor off just to make her spill whatever she has to say. This suspense thriller that she's working is making me nervous.
She smiles while shaking her head, "It was actually the opposite."
"So it's a good news then???" I eagerly asked.
Drop. It. Already.
"Everything is fine. Though Camila's been under so much stress and pressure, the baby is doing fine. Though there's a bleeding that happened, there's no sign of miscarriage. So rest assured that the baby is safe and healthy, and that's what matters the most, right?"
Bleeding, miscarriage, baby? What the...?!
"Wait, the what?!" The four us asked at the same time, making the doctor to look at us with a confused look.
"You all didn't know? Camila is two weeks pregnant."
"Pregnant?!" We all asked at the same time again with our eyes widen.
A questioning look plastered on the doctors face for a moment before she crack a small chuckle, "The news seems to caught y'all by surprise. How cute." She smiled, "Anyway, is the baby daddy here? I need to give some medical prescription for Camila."
"I am the father, doc." Shawn smiled at her before they walk out of the room.
The three of us look at each other then to Camila who's still peacefully sleeping. "Now this is the more reason I need to talk to Lauren. She'll listen to me."
I furrowed my eyebrows at Normani, "And what the hell are you going to tell her, Normani? No matter how awful things happened between them, we can't change the fact that Camila's pregnant with her child. HER child, Normani!"
"I can't stand here and risk the safety of Camila and her innocent baby! I'm doing the right thing and what's best for everyone!" And with that, Normani walks out of the door.
I tried to run after her because I know what she's going to do but Ally stopped me. "Let her, Dinah. Camila needs us to be here most."
I just took a sigh and obey what Ally told me to do: Stay with my best friend.
***
Lauren's POV
I drag my weak sore aching body inside the apartment. I can't even lift a single finger at how badly Shawn beat me up but it's funny how I don't feel any physical pain. And even if I do feel it, I know that doesn't stand a chance at how Camila's words destroy the only hope left in me.
I didn't mean to hurt her. I really didn't mean to do that. I was in a very dark place, and I was so angry at her because I thought she left me. I thought Camila abandon me because she grows tired taking care of me and that she finally realized that she's not going anywhere if she stays with me. And that thought hurts me so much. That thought keeps me awake every night and only the moon can hear how I break down into tears because of it. It makes me go insane, so I did what I know best.
I partied a lot. I drown myself to alcohol. I fucked some random whores just so I can take my mind off of her. I feel like I'm a loser for thinking about her all the damn time. I feel like a sore loser for being dumped for having a sorry ass life. I'm so angry that I wanted to yell at her, scream at her. I wanted to shove down to her goddamn throat that I'm not affected about it even though I'm breaking inside. I wanted to shove down to her throat that I can be fucking happy without her. But then at the same time, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to feel her in my arms. I wanted to hear her say to me that it's still me that she loves. That no matter how hard, she'll stay with me and we'll always work things out like we always does.
But none of those happened. Her absence is driving me crazy. I suddenly lost the knowledge how to function properly without Camila. And this night is just another night where I'll drown myself to alcohol and wish that as soon as I close my eyes and sleep, I'll sleep forever. This heartbreak that Camila put me through is way more worse than facing the actual death.
And no, I can't hate her. I don't want to hate her. Because if I did, then I have nothing left.
And while I was fucking this blonde girl in our bed, I feel nothing. Like, I was breathing but I'm already dead. Then I heard four knocks on my door. And then... boom! There she is. After two long weeks of nothing, she suddenly appear right in front of my door steps saying she missed me like nothing ever happened.
And then everything went even more horrible for us. Camila's done. She's tired of loving me and she don't want to see me anymore. And I've find myself in that same situation again, same pattern, same old exhausting cycle of swearing to myself that I will never do anything to hurt her again. But at the end of the day, I still swallow all of my words. Because I did it again. I hurt her again. And it's actually funny how we used the same hands, same mouth, to pray for the same damn thing that we broke.
I walk over to the mirror to look at myself. Swollen eyes, blood everywhere, bruises, and scratches. And tears. The tears that kept on falling down no matter how hard I tell myself to stop. And while I'm staring myself in the mirror, the events of what happened played in my head once more.
...
"LAUREN!" A familiar voice suddenly echoed in the middle of the heavy rain. And before I could even comprehend who owns that voice, I found myself being tackled on the ground. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
It was Shawn. And the anger that paints in his face is indescribable as his fist collided on my face countless of times, "WHY?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HURT CAMILA LIKE THAT?!"
I look at him and let out a devilish laugh while the blood keeps on streaming down from my mouth and nose, "Since when did you learn to punch hard, little boy?"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" And his fist collided on my face once again. I don't know how many times he throw punches at me. I've lost count cause I'm so busy thanking god that he used Shawn as a medium to end my endless misery.
When Shawn stopped from throwing punches at me, I look at him in the eyes and laugh at his face, "I-Is that it? That's all you got, little boy? Come on, I know you can do better than that! COME ON! BEAT THE SHIT OF ME!"
"I'll surely fucking will." Shawn rolled up his sleeves causing me to smirk, "I'll make sure you won't see the sunlight ever again!" Then he started to beat the living shit out of me. Everything around me fades. His voice... it was unadible. Because right now, all I have in my mind is Camila. All I can hear was the sound of my heart breaking inside over and over and over again. The pain of his beat down? I don't feel it at all. I was numb now because deep down, I know I deserve this for hurting her like that.
....
I punch the mirror right in front of me so I can feel something else rather than this thing inside my chest. And at the broken pieces of the mirror that remains attached on the wall, I saw Normani. She's standing at the door way while looking at me.
I chuckled as I slowly turn around to face her, "You came here to beat me up as well? Lucky for you, I'm still breathing."
Normani walk over the living room and sat back down on the couch, "I came here to talk to you." And then she put down the plastic bag of coffee cups at the center table.
"Hmm, a coffee date. You should texted me so I can wear my beautiful dress for our date."
"I didn't come here to play with your bullshit, Lauren!" Normani snapped, "I need you to drink these coffee so you'll be sober enough to understand every words that I'm about to say."
I look at the coffee cups then to Normani, "I don't need to drink all of that to not understand that Camila don't want me anymore."
"Camila passed out in the middle of the rain, and it's all because of you."
Camila... Camila passed out in the rain because... of me? Because of what I've done?
"She's in the hospital and she's okay now."
Tears falls down on my face again, "Can I... can I see her? Normani, please?"
Normani stare in my eyes for a moment before she answer, "After what you've done, you still have the face to see her and look in her eyes? After everything, Lauren?!"
I get down on my knees, "I'm begging you, Normani. Please, I'm begging you. I just want to see her, I won't cause any trouble. I swear!"
"For what, Lauren? To lift off your guilt or to break her even more?"
"I am hurting too!" I snapped at Normani.
Normani nod her head slowly, "I can see."
Tears kept falling down on my face and I don't care if Normani can see it. I'm just so desperate at this point.
"You've hurt her already, Lauren. You've hurt her more than enough, when will you realize that? I understand that you love her, but can't you see that you're just destroying each other by being together? When will see you that, Lauren? When she's gone as well like Keana? Don't repeat that same mistake that you did before. If you really love her, then do the right thing before someone innocent gets hurt. Just for once, stop being selfish."
I remain silent. I don't know how long, but I'm just staring down at the floor while crying.
"Lauren." I look up and Normani's already back on her feet, "Call me if you finally made a decision. Think about what I said and do the right thing." And with that, Normani walk out the door.
Normani's right. As much as I hate to admit that she's right, she's fucking right. And there's only one thing left— to walk away.
As much as it kills me to think of leaving Camila behind, I know this is the right thing to do. There's nothing left for me to fix. There's no reason for us to be together anymore. We can't fix each other by being together, that's the cruel truth. If I stay, I will just hurt her even more. If I stay, I will just completely drag her to hell with me. If I stay, I will just ruin her life and the person she can be in the future. And I don't want that. I don't want Camila to settle for less when the whole world can offer her the best. I want Camila to achieve her dreams. I want to see her living the life she wanted and doing the things she love the most. I want her to be happy. And the only time that all of those things will happen is when I'm gone in her life. And it's a shame, really, that things like this needs to happen before I realized that I'm weighing down the girl I love the most.
And so, I get back on my feet and walk over the closet and pack everything inside my bag. I don't know where I'm going or how am I going to start again. I just... I don't know. After I pack all of my clothes, I took the picture frame from our nightstand. It's our picture, with Camila sitting on my lap. Her arms are wrapped around my neck. Both of us are smiling.
And while staring at our picture, tears kept falling on the glass frame. I wipe my tears away before slipping the picture frame inside my bag. I pulled the drawer out and took the scrap book that she made for me. I've throw this across the room out of anger that rips off the few pages. I just did my very best to fix it using the tape so it won't fall off completely. Luckily, I manage to keep it all together. I need to learn how to hold onto every single memory that we made, because I know we won't be making anymore.
And before I call Normani to tell her my decision, I walk over to the desk and grab some paper and pen and started to write down my final words for Camila.
Dear Camz...
"You've made the right choice." Normani spoke firmly with a timid smile on her face.
"Can I see her? Just for the last time. I won't wake her up or anything. Please? One minute will do." I desperately pleaded. When I saw the hesitation on her eyes, I quickly added. "I'll get down on my knees if I have to."
"Just—" Normani didn't finish what she's going to say when Shawn's angry voice suddenly echoed.
"What the fuck are you doing here?!" He rush towards our direction with his sharp glare darted on me, "I should've beat your legs instead of your fucking face!"
"Shawn, enough." Normani gets in the middle before a fight starts between us. But she don't have to do that because I no longer have the strength to have an argument with him or anyone else. I just want to see Camila, that's all.
"What the fuck is this, Normani?!" He snapped with his gaze turn to Normani.
"I just want to see Camila, that's all. After that, I'll disappear for good."
"See her?! After what you've done you still had the guts of wanting see her?!"
"SHAWN!" Normani yelled at him. She grab the collar of Shawn's white polo and whisper something in his ear. I don't know what it is but right after that, Shawn seem to calm down. He glared at me for the last time before walking away.
"Thank you." I said politely when Shawn disappear in the halls.
"I did it for Mila, not for you."
I nod my head, "Still."
"You have one minute."
Normani's words bring tears and happiness in my heart, "Thank you! Thank you so much." I put down my duffel bag on the floor before I walk carefully inside her room to avoid making any sound that can wake her up.
And there she is, laying on the hospital bed with a dextrose in her hand. She's sleeping and it's so obvious to her face that she's so tired from everything I've put her through.
I walk over to her bed and stare at her intently. I'm memorizing every inch of her face so no matter how many years have gone pass or fate decided for us not to meet again, I can still remember every details of her face. I softly ran my fingers to her cheek and there goes my tears falling down again.
"I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so so sorry for putting you through hell. I don't want to leave, but this is the only choice I have. You probably won't understand but I know you will soon. It's for the best. I know you'll get to realize soon that you're better off without me. I'll always remember the things you have taught me and how much you love me. We were never meant for each other, but I'm glad that even for a sheer moment, it felt like we were. And if I did anything right in my life, that is when I gave my heart to you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Always will." I muttered under my breath before leaning in to kiss her lips softly, "I love you, Camila." I whispered in her lips. I pulled the letter that I wrote from the back pocket of my jeans and put it in her nightstand before walking away.
The hardest thing I've ever done in my life is not faking a smile everyday of my life. No, it wasn't that. It is forcing myself to walk away even though I'm still deeply In love with her. And probably the hardest pill I have to swallow is the fact that I can't be with her, and I have to tell myself to be okay with it.
***
Camila's POV
"Walz, you should eat something."
"I don't want to." I replied coldly while staring blankly ahead.
"Walz, please. You need to eat something otherwise we'll—"
I snapped at Dinah by hitting the bowl that she's holding, "I SAID I DON'T WANT TO! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I heard Dinah took a deep sigh before she stand up from her seat and clean up the mess I've made. Besides, that's what they do best. Clean up the mess and take care of a mess.
"Camila..." Dinah didn't finish what she's about to say when the door swing open revealing Normani, Ally, and Shawn. They gave me a smile but I gave them nothing but a cold shoulder.
"How are you, Mila?" Ally asked with a small smile.
"I want to go home." I said coldly, "Why am I even here? Why can't you just leave me alone?!"
Ally squeeze my hand gently, "Because we care about you, Mila."
"Then let me go home! I wanna see Lauren. I-I need to talk to her and take back everything that I said. I... I made a mistake and maybe everything was just a simple misunderstanding and I over reacted and—"
"CAMILA!" Normani yelled that made me stop from rambling, "Lauren CHEATED on YOU and you think that was just a simple misunderstanding?!"
"It was my fault, okay?! She was waiting for me to call her but I didn't! She needed me to be there but I wasn't there! Lauren felt that I threw her away, so please! I wanted to talk to her and fix what I've broken!"
"There's nothing left for you to fix, Camila! Cause guess fucking what? Lauren already left. She left you!"
Tears started to fall down on my face. No, she's lying. She's definitely lying. "No, you're fucking lying to me! You're a liar!" I yelled before I started taking off everything that they put in me. But before I could get off to bed, a strong hands push me back down to bed and hold down my shoulders.
It's Shawn, and he's crying. "Camila, please! Stop... just stop please. She's gone. She left you already."
"NO! NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! Lauren will never leave me!" I keep on trying to get up but all of them are holding me back down. "GET OFF!"
"CAMILA!" Ally yelled. She cupped my cheeks and turn my face to her direction so I can look into her eyes, "YOU'RE PREGNANT! If you can't take care of yourself for the sake of yourself, your friends, or your family then at least do it for the sake your baby!"
Ally's words is like a cold water that suddenly splash right into my face.
I'm... pregnant?
"Lauren. Already. Left. You. And you have to accept that and move on, do you understand me? You have to accept that Lauren's part in your story is over. Though the chapter between you and Lauren closes, it opens another chapter. You and your baby. You being a mom. You have to realize that you're the only one left in this baby's life. If that child loses you too, what will happen now? You need to be strong for yourself and for this baby." Ally pointed at my belly, "Your baby. Sometimes you have forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."
And then I break down into tears once again while holding my belly. Everything is just too much for me, and I just feel so lost right now.
At that moment, I didn't believe what they said. I know inside my heart Lauren will never leave me.
But she did.
There's no Lauren when I came home. The closet is already empty. And I'm left here trying to understand everything. She didn't say goodbye, and it scared me how easy it is for her to leave everything behind.
She disappear like a wind and her absence makes me question everything. Am I not enough to make her stay? Is my everything still not enough to make her stay In love with me? How can't she find a reason to stay?
Let her go; She threw you away. My mind yelled. Be patient; She'll come back. My heart whispered.
And every single day, I'm in constant war with myself. I'm trying to forget her but I'm also waiting for her to come back. A part of me wants an answer, but a part of me doesn't want to know. A part of me wants to keep holding on, but a part of me wants to let her go.
And days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into year.
And Lauren never came back.