It's you, because no one else makes sense.
- perry poetry
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Chapter 35
Camila's POV
"What are you cooking for breakfast, my most beautiful girlfriend?" I whispered on her ear as I hug her from behind. I buried my face on the crook of her neck as I added, "I'm sure that would be the best food I'll ever taste in my whole life."
Lauren softly chuckled, "It's just a pancake, Camz. Stop disturbing me, will you?" The green eyed brunette playfully shove me away from her.
I giggled, "So what if it's just a pancake? That would still be the most delicious pancake in the whole universe!"
Lauren shakes her head while smiling. I hop into the kitchen counter so I can watch my girlfriend cook some breakfast for us. The smell of pancake from the pan lingers on my nose that caught my eyes. I can feel my stomach growl the longer I stare at it. I glance at Lauren who's very focus on what she's cooking. I laugh internally as I remember the last time she cooked pancake for us; we ended up having a burnt pancake for breakfast. But I'm not complaining at all cause that morning, all we do is to laugh and laugh and Lauren kissing my laughter away.
So far, that was one of the best moments I had with her.
After that burnt pancake incident, Lauren mastered the degree of BS pancake major in cooking it properly. And I'm proud say that she's the pancake expert now.
And since I've had enough dose of the pancake, I shift my eyes on the green eyed girl and take all the time in the world to check my girlfriend out.
Staring at her is my favorite thing to do and probably the only thing I will never get tired doing for the rest of my life. It's funny how I could stare at her for one minute and find a thousand things that I love about her. Lauren... she has the most adorable eyes you could ever fall for and the cutest smile that takes your breath away. She has the ability to make you laugh every time she speaks and whenever you look into her eyes it's so hard to turn away. And I love the way she makes me laugh, how happy she makes me. I wish I could explain her eyes, and how the sound of her voice gives me butterflies. How her smile makes my heart skip a beat and how every time I'm with her, I feel complete. If Lauren were a song, I would learn every beat, know the lyrics by heart, let the melody flow through my veins and listen to it every night. If Lauren were a song, it would be my favorite.
She's my favorite part of me.
And as I look at her right now, I realized something: Every time I'm looking at her, it's like the first time.
And it's crazy, actually, how much I think about her. How most of the time she's the only thing in my head, and it doesn't matter if she's near me or far away. And it makes me wonder how long she'd been on my mind. Then it occurred to me: Since I met her, she've never left.
She's the source of my joy, the center of my world, and the whole of my heart. She's my beautiful moon and she's the kind of person people write songs about.
I hop out of the kitchen counter and turn off the stove. I don't want anything or anyone steal her attention from me. Lauren flinch from my action before she looks towards my direction to meet my gaze.
"Hmm, Camz? Is there something wrong?" Lauren asked in her most soft ball voice.
She's wearing an oversized white t-shirt that covers half of her thighs. Other than that, nothing else. That's why I took the advantage of it and ran my hands to her creamy thigh in the most innocent way, just to shake off my hunger.
But no, it didn't go away. Instead, I crave for more.
"I swear I couldn't love you more than I do right now, and yet I know I will tomorrow."
She cupped my cheeks with her cold hands, and yet instead of making it froze, it sets my skin on fire. "I would keep you safe in two places, my heart and our home."
"I know, I know." I whispered with a tight lipped smile as I bump my nose on hers, "I'm hungry."
"Oh," Lauren's mouth formed a 'O' before she turn her gaze on the stove, "I'll cook this—" I cut her off by pulling her shirt up and throw it somewhere who knows.
"I already have my eyes on my food, and pancake is definitely not on the list."
"What food is that then?"
"You, Jauregui. You are my food. And I want you now because I'm hungry."
Lauren grin. I can see to her face that she's amused by my words, "Dominant Camila, I like it."
I took off my clothes as well so we're now both naked in the kitchen.
"Where do you want your food to be serve, Cabello?"
A devious smirk plastered on my lips at the idea that suddenly pop in my head, "At the tree."
Lauren raised her eyebrows in confusion, "A tree? You mean in the backyard outside?"
I nod my head, "Yep, that's the place."
"Are you... you wants us to have sex outside? Outside where people are passing by and our neighbours literally hanging out while doing their gardening? You're not serious about this, aren't you?"
"I'm afraid I am dead serious about it."
"Wha— what if we get caught?"
I walk towards our bedroom and gather everything we need: one pillow and the blanket. I head outside and Lauren's looking at me with a ridiculous expression on her face while waiting for my response.
"That's the challenge. For us not to get caught while doing it."
Then a smirk creeps on her lips. And I know that she loved the idea more than I do, "You're unbelievable, Cabello."
***
Lauren and I marched outside our house. She's holding the blanket while I'm holding the pillow. We settled at the European white birch as the green eyed brunette laid the blanket over the grass before she sat back down. She's wearing her oversized t-shirt and cargo shorts with an open zipper (wink, wink) while I'm wearing a sweater and a piece of towel to cover my half naked body.
"What a morning!" I yawned while stretching my arms before I lay back down on Lauren's lap and rest my back on her chest. Just like a casual couple sitting at the park while enjoying the view. Except we're on our backyard while watching the cars and the people walking by the streets while doing some deed.
I felt Lauren rest her chin on my shoulder as her hands slowly runs down on my thigh, "You're so beautiful in the morning." She whispered in my ear, breath hitches on my skin that sent a shiver on my whole body.
I rolled my hips in circle motion, making sure that I'll put a little pressure on her shaft. I did it in the most subtle and not so obvious way. I heard Lauren groaned with her forehead rest against my shoulder. Her hands squeezing my thigh gently.
"Aww, thank you baby. You too." I cooed in the most innocent way before brushing my butt upwards to her dick.
"Oh my god," Lauren moaned which makes me smirk.
"So, how's your sleep?" I asked casually as I slipped my left hand on my back and snake it's way under Lauren's shirt. I use my fingertips to outline her abs up to her breast.
"G-good." Lauren stuttered after I change my pace. I completely sank my butt on her dick and there's a pressure on every roll of my hips, making herself slide against my center. "C-Camila, please."
"You're stuttering. Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" I mocked her while smirking. So this is what it feels like, huh? To have a power over her. Every touch, it makes her get down on her knees and beg for more. To make her ache and wanting for more. I feel powerful, like a queen sitting on her throne who has the power to cast the spell to set her free from the prison of desire and lust. Her moan and her heavy breathing is what fuels my power. It fuels my desire and my satisfaction knowing I'm the only one who can bring her down to her knees. Breathless. Powerless.
I cupped her breast using my hand and massage it in the most harmonious way. Like I'm strumming the strings of my guitar to produce the most melodic sound that even the sound coming from the harps played by the angels is no match to it. And the moans that her lips spoke lingers on my ear. It runs to every inch of my being, making me feel that I am the greatest classical musician of all not even Ludwig van Beethoven can dethrone me.
And as I touch her body with my bare hands, Lauren's breathing instantly change. It became hot and heavy and a little breathless. And with my touch, I told her the most sacred words I know: I promise to show you endless love everyday if you only smile for me each day.
And even under the intense pleasure and desire to be touched, I felt her smiling in the most genuine and innocent possible at the crook of my neck while mumbling "I love you" countless of times. Her soft red lips sunk on my shoulder, trailing it down with soft kisses. I close my eyes and smile contentedly, savouring this kind of feeling.
I'm happy and nothing in this world can replace this moment. And suddenly, one thought echoes in my head: I don't want this to end.
Lauren's hand were endlessly roaming around my body while the heel of her other hand is pressed against my center. I felt myself beginning to get wet at the feeling. Honestly, I could just cum using the heel of her hand.
I pinched her erect nipple hard before I begin to pleasure her other breast just like how I pleasure the other. Lauren's breath is trembling, her head against the tree with her eyes shut. And as the green eyed brunette let out an inaudible whimper, her fingers mirrored the action of her lips by sliding her fingers on the center of my pussy.
And now it's my turn to moan and grip on her thighs as tight as I can at the feeling of my wetness came in contact with her fingers. She continued grazing at my center and I return the favor of pleasuring by cupping her shaft and do a hand job. I palm it and stroke it in a up and down motion, causing Lauren's legs to twitch.
We both held a low moaned when both of us stroke each other's sensitive areas in a faster pace. Lauren grinding against my hand brings me on the edge.
And fuck it, I'm gonna cum.
"F-faster, L-Lauren." I ordered and Lauren quickly obliged. She thrust her fingers as fast as she can as unexplainable pleasure takes over me completely and ready to explode off of my body.
"Camila." Lauren moaned while gripping tightly on my arm. Her nails are digging on my skin but I don't feel any pain. Instead, I felt pleasure. Incredible pleasure.
"I-I'm gonna... I'm... I-I'm c-close." I trembles as we both reach our climax. Lauren didn't stop thrusting her fingers just like how I didn't stop stroking her shaft until we trembled violently. Both of us are panting like we've ran a 10K marathon run as we both come down from the high of our indescribable climax. People passing by at the cross sides of the street are looking at us with a questioning look on their faces, but minding what other people's thinking is the least thing I wanna think about. And if ever I'll think about it now, I'll just probably come up with a stupid idea like turning around and kiss her lips furiously, half naked, while having sex with her in the backyard in front of them. Besides, having an audience don't bother me at all. The idea actually turns me on.
So, I push the thoughts at the very back of my head to the point that it's so close to falls off the edge and disappear from my head. I stick to the plan of admiring the city street of New York in my backyard while getting fuck in a lowkey way.
It was a sunny day. And the ray of sunlight is hitting my head that it makes my eyes squint because of it's too much brightness. The honk of the cars and the footsteps of people passing by fills the air including the sound of the leaves dancing because of the wind blown. But only one sound fills my ear. The sound of Lauren's pelvic banging against mine every time I'll bounce up and down on her.
Lauren rubbed my clit furiously while thrusting in and out inside me in a most aggressive way. I accidentally jerk off out loud, causing us to gain more and more attention from the people passing by. Both of us are moaning and neither one of us wants to end this in a subtle way.
Whatever happens, so be it. Because controlling myself is no longer part of the plan.
I turn around to face Lauren. Beads of sweat kept rolling on her face. And her green eyes... it was filled with lust, and the way she's staring at me right now is as if I am some kind of meat.
I didn't waste any time and crash my lips on hers. We kissed with so much want and need, enough for the both of us to feel that we ache for each other. Lauren put a little force on her thrust until I tremble violently on her lap followed by the warm juices that flows out from my center. I rest my face on the crook of her neck while panting as Lauren wrapped her arms around me.
"I love you, Camila." The green eyed girl mumbled before planting a soft kiss on the crown of my head.
And maybe somehow, it's all true. That good girls go to heaven, but bad girls bring heaven to you.
And heaven? I changed my mind about it. Because the real heaven is this. A blanket. A pillow. Her.
***
"Hold up!" Lauren suddenly grab my hand, preventing me to take some bite from my pancake, "I have something to show you."
"What? "I asked, and the green eyed girl suddenly stand up from her seat with a wide smile on her face, "Make sure it's worth my time, Jauregui."
"I wrote you something."
Now, that's more than anything.
I push my pancake away and lent all of my attention to my girlfriend who's now holding a piece of paper.
"Is that a song?"
"No, I don't sing. My voice sounds awful and you know that."
I raised my eyebrow on her before I grab the buns and throw it on her stomach.
"I don't know if you're being sarcastic or you're being humble. We both know you have an angelic voice."
"Stop describing yourself, Cabello."
"Don't make me argued with you on this one, Jauregui."
Lauren sigh in defeat and I giggled. This has been on debate for a long time now. And somehow every time Lauren will tell me that her voice sounds awful, I throw her dozens of arguments that prove that her voice is the most magical and beautiful and gorgeous and breathtaking and sexy sound I've ever heard. And so far, I haven't lose on this argument.
"Fine, fine. Anyway, I wrote you a poem."
My eyes sparkling glitters at her words and Lauren quickly added, "It wasn't as beautiful as Shakespeare's poem, okay? Nor something romantic like Edgar Allan Poe. It's just a poem written by Lauren Jauregui. The girl who doesn't know how to write one but still tried her best for the love of her life because she knew it'll make her happy."
And it melt my heart even more.
"Just to... you know? Set some standards and for you to not expect something great." Lauren added, in which I doubt that the poem she wrote is not great nor romantic like Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe's work. I truly believed it's beyond that.
I didn't say anything. I just smiled at her and watch Lauren getting nervous as she begins to read the poem she wrote for me.
"So there's this girl,
not just any girl,
The only girl for me,
She tears when I cry,
She stands by my side,
So yeah there's this girl,
she's the only girl,
she makes me smile day by day,
She makes me joyful, when I'm put to shame,
I see the glitter in her eye,
I want to kiss her until I cry,
She makes my emotions set me deep,
my hands would drag over my feet,
When I am without her,
the sun doesn't shine as brightly.
When I am without her,
the clouds are dark and foreboding.
When I am without her,
the birds don't sing as sweetly.
When I am without her,
the walls close in on me.
When I am without her,
in the depths of my hell, whispering her name sustains me.
But when I am with her,
she lifts me up.
When I am with her,
I have the strength to move mountains.
When I am with her,
I can withstand anything.
When I am with her,
her smile warms my very soul.
When I am with her,
the angels sing her name.
When I am with her,
I fall in love all over again.
So yeah there's this girl,
And her name is Camila,
And she will always be, the only girl." And then Lauren look straight in my eyes, with a smile and tears forming on her green orbs. "I promise to love you for every moment of forever, and when everything else crumbles, I will never."
I didn't notice the tears that rolls down on my cheeks until I felt a warm liquid dropped at the back of my hand. I don't know why I'm crying. I'm happy, I'm so happy right now that there's no room for sadness anymore. I guess looking back at the things we've done to each other makes me emotional. The amount of love I have for her is too much to the point where I'd give up everything for her. Love is scary, it's the most terrifying thing that ever exist in this world. Because when you love, it's like you're giving someone a loaded gun pointed at your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger. But Lauren, she's not only holding a gun that points at my heart, she holds everything that keeps me alive. She's my every reason. She's my lifeline.
"I love you in a crazy, ridiculous, probably unhealthy way, and I don't ever want to love anyone else this much. So please, never get tired of me."
Lauren ran her thumb on my cheeks and wipe my tears away, "Get tired of you? Never. No chance in hell. We could share a hundred lifetimes and in our last few remaining moments, I would find something new to adore about you. So no, I will never. I'm a complete idiot if I ever let you go."
"So... you will never leave me?" I asked while fighting the smile that wants to escape in my lips.
"Will you? Will you never leave me?"
I shake my head, "Never."
Lauren smiled, her hands on my knees. "Good, cause I don't have any plans on leaving you too."
"Oh! Before I forgot," I stand up from my seat and jogged my way towards the couch. I slipped my hand under the covers and pulled out the mini scrapbook that I made for her. As I present this small gift I have for her, I find my heart jumping all over the place. With excitement and with nervousness. "You're the only one who knows how to surprise a girl, you know?" I giggled as I hand it to her.
Her green eyes are shimmering bright while looking at the scrapbook, "Stinky and Pinky." Lauren giggled after she read the tittle written at the cover of the scrapbook. She straighten her gaze to meet mine and asks, "I assume I'm Pinky cause pink is my favorite color."
I crack a small laugh while shaking my head.
"No?"
"No. You're Stinky because you stink."
Lauren pout, "That's so mean, you know? You... hurt my feelings. It's too— I can't." Lauren shakes her head while wiping off her invisible tears.
And I know she just wants me to kiss her and hear the words: I'm just joking, I love you. So as a good girlfriend, I say what she deserves to hear.
"Truth hurts, I know. Don't worry, you'll get over it soon."
Lauren quickly shot her head up, "Wow, Camila. Such a comforting words. You're so sweet."
I giggled, "Hurry, hurry. Open it up."
"Okay, okay." Lauren open up the scrapbook. And the smile on her face became even more wider while looking at our pictures that we took over the course of time that we've been together. She will cooed at me in the most dorkiest way every time she'll read something sweet in the scrapbook and give me a quick kiss.
"This is... beautiful. Thank you, Camz."
I smiled before I playfully tap her arm, "Hey, promise me that you will keep that forever. Take care of it! It's something to remember us by."
"Yes, Ma'am. I will." Lauren smiled before pinching my cheeks hard, "Thank you again, Camz."
"Lau.....ren!" I said as I try to pull away from her. Lauren crack a small laugh before pinching it even more harder making me to yelp in pain. She let go of my cheeks and run away like a bolt of thunder.
"I love pinching your cheeks. It feels like I'm pinching some buns."
I playfully glare at her while rubbing my aching cheeks, "Hurting me is really your happiness, huh?"
"Hmm, sometimes."
"Most of the times!" I corrected her and the green eyed brunette laugh.
After finishing our breakfast, I help Lauren clean up the table and wash the dishes. After that, we both jump off to our own deeds for today: Lauren finishing her painting and me distracting her.
But before I distract her and annoy her, I headed to our room to take a bath when my phone suddenly buzzed in.
I walk over to the nightstand and pick up my phone. It's a text message from my mom.
Mom:
Accept the UCLA offer, Camila. If she truly loves you, she will understand.
I rolled my eyes after I read her text message. My mom and I have been in a constant text messaging war. She kept convincing me to accept the UCLA and go to California for a "better life". And no matter how many times I explain that I don't want to go, my mom simply won't take no as an answer.
"No. I made up my mind already, mom. I won't go. That's final." I typed then I hit the send button before tossing my phone in my bed and head over to the bathroom to take a bath.
I strip down naked and sunk my body in the cold water. I lay back down at the tub, and I felt my body starting to relax because of it. I stare at the ceiling and without knowing it, beyond my control, a smile appeared on my lips. The series of memories of what happened earlier flash in my head, especially the way she looked at me as if I were something special. The feeling of being special is so foreign, it almost hurt to be looked like that. And I'm sure my feelings were real when I spent more time thinking about her than worrying about myself.
After taking a bath, I pulled out Lauren's pair of shirt and sweatpants. I walk out of the room and I found Lauren continuing her huge artwork. I walk towards her direction and hug her from the side, squeezing her body on mine.
"I miss you." I giggled. I tiptoed so I can plant a soft kiss on her cheek when Lauren suddenly throw her brush on the floor and pulled herself away from me. She headed straight to our bedroom without looking at me nor saying any word which left me confused.
What happened?
I followed her inside the room and I found her standing by the window while looking at the outside.
"Baby, is there something—"
"You're leaving." Lauren cut me off. Her voice is firm and serious and something else is more dominant— Anger.
I furrowed my eyebrows, completely unaware of what she's talking about. "What?"
Lauren turn around to face me. Hurt and betrayal is what written all over her face with my phone on her hand. "You're leaving me and you're going to LA. Zahira just texted you saying she's very happy you finally made up your mind."
I breathed out in disbelief because I never ever texted coach Zahira that I will go. She knew, my mom knew, everybody knew that I don't want to go.
"Baby, what are you talking about?
"Stop bullshitting me, Camila! Just admit it! You're leaving me because you're tired taking care of a mess! That you want something better!"
"No, Lauren!"
"Just admit it! This is not good enough for you! That you're no longer happy! That's why you're going to LA, right?!"
"No! Lauren, it's not what you think it is, okay?" I defended myself. I walk towards her direction to cup her cheeks but she yanked my hands away, "It is enough for me! Lauren, you're more than enough for me, okay?"
"But you want something better, right?! You want something far more better than this!"
"Who wouldn't want that?" I asked her, "Everybody wants to have a better life, Lauren. I want us to have a better life."
"See?!" Lauren scoff bitterly, "The truth finally came out to your mouth that the reason why you're leaving is because you're tired of this fucked up life! You're doing it for yourself!"
"Jesus christ! Can you please hear me out?! Stop concluding things all by yourself!" I yelled at her because she's being unreasonable again. She's only believing to things that she wants believe in. She doesn't even want to hear me out.
Why did I even leave my stupid phone?!
"Your mom just texted you saying you'll never regret this decision. I'm not fucking stupid not to understand what those text messages mean!"
And that's when it clicked me. My mom made that decision for me. Even though she knew I can't live without Lauren, she still do it just for the sake of satisfying what she wants.
"Lauren, I won't go anywhere! I WON'T LEAVE YOU!" I yelled at her while desperately pleading for her to believe every words I'm saying.
"THEN WHY DID YOU AGREE TO GO LA?! WHY DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!"
"I WILL NEVER GO TO LA BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THAT MY HEART IS HERE IN NEW YORK! MY HEART IS WITH YOU, LAUREN! WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO BELIEVE ME?!" I yelled out of frustration without bothering myself to wipe the tears that continuously running down on my face.
"BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!"
And it seems like my whole world suddenly stops moving. Everything is dead silence except for the sound of my heart that was breaking inside my chest.
Hurt quickly plastered on my face, "Y-you... you really think that? That I-I would hurt you by... lying to you? I-Is that what you think?" I stammered.
"Yes. Cause it finally makes sense to me now, Camila. Why you badly wanted me to see Dr. Martins. Why you gave me that scrapbook. Why you're making love with me everyday. All of it leads to this, because you were leaving! Maybe... maybe you wanted me to move on from things and be happy so you'll feel less guilty once you left. Maybe, the only reason why you're staying with me is because you feel pity for me!" Tears rolled down from her face, making it even more harder for me to breathe. "Am I right, Camila?!"
"No, please Lauren." I shake my head, trying to pull her into my arms but Lauren kept pushing me away.
"I'm right, admit it! Admit it, Camila! That's the reason why you gave me that scrapbook and told me it was something to remember us by. Why, Camila? Why would I need something to remember us by?"
"I didn't mean it like that! I spent most of my time working on that scrapbook because I know it will make you happy. Don't put this all on me, Laur."
"So after I played my part on your love story, you're just going to dumped me and move on to the next chapter? I should've known."
"If you took it that way then I'm sorry. But I want you know that's not how I meant it. Not at all."
"It's clear to me that you meant it, because you're doing it right now. Aren't you?"
"No!" I immediately answered, "Lauren... no, okay? Even Shawn knew about it and—"
"Wait, Shawn?!" Lauren cut me off by raising her hand.
Shit.
"So he knew about this?"
I swallowed heavily. I can't lie to her. I don't want to lie to her cause that would only complicate the situation even more. It's better for me to hurt her by telling the truth than to comfort her with lies. Lying will never bring any good to you. I will just make the situation even more worse.
"Yes." Answered with my head down because I couldn't look in her eyes. I just couldn't afford to see the pain in her eyes, "He just asked me if I will accept the offer and I told him I won't. Even Dinah, Normani—"
Lauren cut me off by throwing my phone across the room, "Bullshit!" She spat angrily, "Everyone knew except your fucking girlfriend?! You got some time to talk this out with your ex-boyfriend but got no time to tell it to your girlfriend?! So what you are trying to tell me here?!"
Her eyes were filled with so much anger while clenching her jaw tight.
You just make the situation even more complicated, Camila! Congrats, you're doing a pretty good job at it!
"I didn't tell it to you because it's not even an important thing in the first place and—" Lauren immediately cut me off.
"But he knew and I didn't! Whether it's important or not, you should tell it to me still. But no, you didn't! Instead, you confided it on him, out of all fucking people!"
I frown when I realize where this conversation is heading to. This problem is not even a big deal but here she is making it a big deal.
"Oh my god." I mumbled in disbelief, "Do you hear yourself, Lauren?! I didn't confided on him nor to anyone, okay? Stop making this problem a big deal and stop acting like a child!" I raised my voice out of frustration.
"So it's my fucking fault now?! Everyone knew you were leaving, Camila! Including your parents, and here I am not having a single idea about it! What? Did he told your parents to convince you to leave me? I won't be surprise knowing his the parents favorite." She scoff bitterly.
"No, he didn't! Will you please listen to me? I turned it down. Since the very beginning that coach Zahira offered me the UCLA I turned it down. I'm sorry that I didn't told this to you because I thought—"
"Don't be. It's pretty clear that you don't feel sorry at all."
I pause for a moment while bitting my lower lips as I hold on tightly to the very last drop of my patience.
"I thought it wasn't a big deal because it's not even important to begin with. Even though they kept convincing me to go, I still stand on my ground and decline it. And then coach Zahira gave me time to think about it and—"
"And you took the time that she gave you, I get it. Why don't you just tell it to me straight that you finally accepted the UCLA offer because you're tired of me?! That you're no longer happy to the life that I can offer to you?! That everything we have no longer satisfies you?! That you finally realized that by staying here with me means you're staying for less when you can have something better?!"
"Are you done? Cause if you do, then I'll go now. I don't see any point of having this conversation anymore. We kept running into circles, Lauren. You couldn't see my point. You don't even understand the words I'm saying because you don't want to hear me out. You only see your pain, and because of that you're being selfish. Do you even think about me? Do you even consider my feelings? You're not the only one in this relationship, Lauren. My feelings are valid too. So yeah, let's talk about this again when you're ready to hear me out and you're not being childish." I walk out of our room and head over to the front door. As soon as I held the doorknob, Lauren suddenly speak again.
"So that's it? You're walking out of that door instead of fixing this? Cause clearly you're choosing to deal this problem with Shawn than me."
I breathed out loud before turning around to face her, "You really don't understand it, do you? I'm trying to fix this! I'm doing my very best to fix this but you kept tearing it apart. It's not about Shawn, it's not about the UCLA, it's not about my parents, it's not about everyone else! It's about you, Lauren! You being close-minded! You don't even want to hear what I'm saying so what's the point? If you will just open your mind, you'll see that I'm telling the truth. But no, that's not what's happening right now." And with that, I open the door and storm off.
I sat on the 3 steps staircase of our porch and broke down into tears while hugging my knees tightly. I am crying so hard that it makes my body trembles. I can no longer gasped some air to breathe because it's hard to do it when your heart feels heavy. It makes everything feel heavy too.
My heart is breaking.
But surprisingly, it doesn't have any sound. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There's only silence. Because when a heart breaks, you'll become the definition of emptiness. And it doesn't matter if your world crumbles or fall apart in your hands, it's always been silence. And right now, I'm in a world where the sun no longer shines; where my clouds have gone grey.
How can a perfect moment turned into something evil? Something chaotic? Something painful? We were happy. We were In love, and then suddenly... suddenly we were screaming on each other's faces.
As I break down on my own, I'm still silently praying that somehow, Lauren will run after me and tell me everything will be alright. That we will fix this and we will be okay.
But none of it happened. She didn't run after me. I carry the burden all by myself. Comfort my own self just to make me stop from crying.
But not even the wisest words can save me from the pain.
And I hate myself for it. For hoping, for hoping that time will come things will be better for us and not just for a temporary moment. And then I've realized something.
Maybe I'm starting to pay every signs that I ignored along the way. Maybe this is the cost for thinking I could put back all the shattered pieces of the broken glass.
I knew from the start that she is a storm. And storm devastate, but every time she hurts me, I hold my breath and bear the hurricane; repeating to myself, One more chance. One more breath. Just one more, and you'll fix her. And I thought I did. Goddamn, I thought I did. But no, cause when things are getting better we were always falling back to the same patterns, same routine, same cycle.
And I'm starting to pay for everything by crying a river, just exactly how my father told me I would.
But I don't regret any of this. No, I will never regret any of this. Because despite how painful it is, loving her is the best feeling I've ever known. There's this something about her that I can't run away from. No matter how far I ran, I know I'll always come running back to her arms. Was it the sex? No. Was it the love? Something far more than that, because I don't think those four words are even enough to describe what I feel for her.
I pulled out my phone and scroll through my contacts to see who can I call at this very moment.
Dinah
Ally
Normani
I'm having a second thoughts calling either one of them considering what happened a couple of weeks ago. We're already okay, but not that kind of okay. We're not like before. I told them that Dr. Martins helped Lauren a lot but neither of the girls are buying it. And if I call one of them and they found that I'm crying again because of her, they will just rant me about it and that was the last thing I wanted to happen.
So that leaves me for one person in the room: Shawn.
I dialed his number and it took three rings for him to answer. I asked him to pick me up if he's not busy and he told me that he's not and he'll be here in 5. I patiently wait for him and in less than 5 minutes, Shawn's car pulled up in the driveway.
I hurriedly run towards his car and get on the passenger seat.
"Hey, you okay?" He asked worriedly while holding out my shoulder.
I nod my head with a timid smile before I rest my head against the window.
Shawn didn't ask for any more question since I think he already know the reason why I actually called. He's just driving to somewhere with silence filled his car.
And I hate the silence, because it makes me think about her. Lauren. Lauren. Lauren. It's always her. It's always been.
"I... assumed you haven't eaten anything yet, so..." Shawn's voice snap me out from my thoughts. And that's when I notice that he already parked his car outside the coffee shop.
I didn't say anything because I don't have enough strength to open my mouth and speak. I felt so weak. I can't even function properly anymore.
Shawn and I walk up at the coffee shop. He swing the door for me and I smiled to him as my 'thank you'. I roam my eyes around to find us a table, and that's when I saw them. Normani, Dinah, and Ally.
They were laughing while talking about something. And then Dinah accidentally glance at our direction and in just a snap of a fingers, their laughter died down. The aura around the place suddenly changed all because of my presence.
Shawn and I walk towards their table and I do my very best to hide my emotion by putting up a mask. I greeted them casually with a smile and acted naturally like everything is okay. But that only worked for a couple of minutes after I zoned out a hundred times in front of them.
"Are you sure you're okay, Mila?" Ally asked worriedly. She reach for my hand and squeeze it gently.
"Yeah, of course." And for a second, I'm having a second thoughts whether or not I will tell it to them. But with the worried eyes that they're using on me, I finally gave in. "Actually, no. Everything is fucked up."
"By "Everything is fucked up" means you and Lauren had a fight. Again. Am I wrong?" Dinah.
I told them everything that happened and they were just nodding their heads in agreement, not even surprise at the sudden turned out of the events.
"I kept telling her everything, but.." I breathed out in disbelief as the tears are threatening to fall again. "She doesn't even want to listen to me."
"No offense, Walz. But... I miss the old you. I miss my best friend when Lauren's not yet in the picture. I feel like ever since Lauren came, your world revolves around her and the only thing you see is her, nothing else."
"And what does that even mean?" I asked with a raised eyebrow, "What are you trying to tell me? That I should break up with my girlfriend? Well, I'm sorry if I didn't put you first cause honestly, who are you?!"
"Camila," Ally and Normani quickly get in the middle but I completely ignore them.
"No, Dinah here needs to fix her shit! Look, if you can't stand the fact that I put my girlfriend first then get the fuck out of here!"
"Camila, can I be honest with you?" Ally spoke, drifting my attention from Dinah.
"No! If you will just rant me about the same damn thing then save it, Ally. I don't want to hear it." I snapped at her.
"You're complaining that Lauren doesn't want to hear you out. And right now, you're doing the same exact thing to us."
I didn't speak and let Ally say whatever the hell she wants to say.
"Camila, we don't know who you are anymore."
I raised my eyebrow on her, "Care to enlighten me on that one?" I challenged her.
"You easily get mad over small things. You... you don't look happy anymore and you—"
"So you want me to laugh?! Fine then," I let out a sarcastic laugh that lasted for a couple of minutes, "There, happy now?!"
"Camila, that's not—"
I cut Ally off, "I'm so fucking sorry for not being happy in spite of my problems. Cause the last time I checked, being sad is valid especially when you have a problem. I am not a fucking robot, Ally!"
Ally took a loud sigh, "I don't care if you will get mad or what, but you need to realize something here, Camila. You and Lauren... it's getting so toxic anymore and there's no more love in it. And maybe now you can't see it but, you don't look happy with her anymore."
I glare sharply at Ally. Where the fuck did she get her guts to tell that to me?! Who the hell does she think she is to tell me I'm not happy with Lauren anymore when she's the only thing that keeps me going?!
"You don't know what the fuck you're saying, Ally! You don't even know shit! She makes me happy more than anyone else so don't tell me that I'm no longer happy with her because we all know that's a fucking lie!"
"You're the one who needs to fix her shit, Camila! Honestly! I can't even look at you anymore. Do you even look at yourself? You said you're putting Lauren first, then what about yourself? When was the last time you think about yourself? When was the last time you take care of yourself? When Lauren's okay, you're okay. But when she's fucked up, you're making yourself fucked up as well! You built your world around her that's why you can't function without her! You'd rather die than to lose her, and that's the thing I can't stand Camila! And you call that love? She's destroying you just exactly how she destroyed Keana. I knew, because I was there! She'll kill you as well. Yes, you're alive but you feel dead inside. And you can't blame anyone but yourself because you let it all happen. You hurt and you pushed away the people who truly care about you. You can love a monster, and it can love you back. But that doesn't change its nature. But of course you're too blinded to see that because you're In love, right?"
I just glared at Dinah before I stand up from my seat and walk out of that goddamn coffee shop. The air inside is suffocating me and I can't breathe and–
Fuck!
I ran my hands on my hair and grip on it tightly as tears escape in my eyes once again. My mind is a mess. Everything is a mess. Every goddamn thing that my parents told me including my friends, all of their words are echoing in my head including Lauren's words reminding me that even the most perfect and surreal moment can vanish before your very eye.
"Camila, wait!" Shawn called out but I didn't bother myself to stop from walking.
"Leave me alone! If you're going to lecture me about—" He cut me off by grabbing my arm. He spun me around and hug me tight.
"No, I'm not here for that. I want to comfort you, Camila. Be your crying shoulder. Be the rock that you can lean to so you won't fall off."
He wrapped his arms around my body and hold me tight. And I felt safe. I felt like I'm in a place where I can put down my defenses and be vulnerable. And this is what I needed right now, a shoulder to cry on.
And so I rest my forehead on his chest and cry all the pain, but I think even if I cry myself an ocean of tears it wouldn't be enough to lessen the pain from everything that happened.
Why can't they see that Lauren makes me happy? Why can't they see that we love each other way too much? I can't give up on her like what they all wanted just because something like this happened. I can't give up on her because doing that means I'm also giving up every reasons I have to live.
"It hurts." I blurted the thoughts out loud.
"Of course it does. The hurt is how we know it was love. The absence that we feel is proof that what we had is something that can be lost."
"...when does it stop? How many times can the same thing break your heart?"
"If it was love, it won't." Shawn pulled away and cupped my cheeks. He used his thumb to wipe away my tears, "What you did earlier was for the best for both of you. If you didn't do that, you'll just hurt each other."
"Why is the world so unfair to me? When everything gets better, something shit will happen."
"Look, I know it's hard. Lauren... she's always like that. She always dismantle everything because she thought she don't deserve to have them. But I know she loves you, it's just that... drinking her problems away is the only way she knew how—"
"But she's fine now, Shawn! She's not like that anymore. She doesn't drink, she doesn't go to the parties anymore, she's... she's fixed and whole again."
"Camila, we're not sure of that. You can't fix her neither anyone in this world. Lauren can only fix herself. Look, give her some time. Some space. Let her realize that she fucked up and she needs to own up to her actions. Just this once, stop apologizing to her and chase after her when you're the one who's breaking. Please, will you do that?"
I lift up my head to meet Shawn's gaze. He has a point. I need to give her some space, I need to do this so she'll realize how badly we need to fall back on each other's arms.